Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
Not everyone’s gonna be happy Not everyone’s gonna smile Some will ever struggle With the expectations of the world Struggle is okay To feel low is fine For all the “snap out of its” For all the “it’ll be okays” That never hit the soul That never ease the heart Not everyone’s gonna be happy Not everyone’s gonna smile But the Lord’s still with them The Lord still loves them The One who protects The One who holds them I just pray they find His face
All the fake smiles All the forced laughs Let them go Just forgotten moments Of a sorry and distant past Embrace a future Shining like starlight Through grace Let go of all past mistakes To Him none of it matters Let your smile be one of joy Beneath the love of God A day is to come When the smile is true And the laughs are full of joy But just for now If the tears should fall Just keep on holding on
Please don’t take another pill You’ve sucked it down How do you feel? Has it lifted you from there? Or dragged you down Down deeper far Is this the answer? Is this the way? The artificial Will it save the day? Will it release the pain? You hold deep down The pain that erodes the hope inside A pill won’t help It just delays it all Tomorrow the pain will still be there Tearing apart the fragile mind Of a broken soul beyond the world I speak of this I’ve took the bottle It never helped Just numbed it all But it returns when it all wore off And I took it again to try and hide it all A bleeding heart in the dead of night Lost his way Dying inside Until a day I could face no more And as I stared to death beyond His voice came through above the chaos To shine a light upon the pain inside From that day I sought Him more The bottles, the pills had no hold I put them down and sought His love To find a way out of this pain Through open doors I found the light And I walk free once more So is this pill the answer for you? Or can you hear Him calling you To rise from just where you are He loves you as He loves me He cries for you in heaven above He waits for you My friend I pray Embrace His love
I’ve seen the lonely child Shivering in the night Seen them tear the skin Looking for a feeling Where hope is near Yet nothing works As shadows close Shadows just close I’m calling out to them Still they do not hear So my children Spread my word For I am the light To tear wide the darkness For those in pain Buried in shadows I will bring light To their darkest night Yet they know not my name So my children Spread my word So the lost may find the light
Walked blindly In a darker world Addiction taken The life I owned Steeling the hope And the light in these bones In shadows shivering As the fears fell No smile No laughter Under addiction’s spell Then the voice spoke Just before the light came To throw wide the shadows To release all the pain No longer down cast The light consumed the soul And now when darkness visits When it fights for my heart I look back to the moment When the voice set me free I may still see shadows But His love brings me hope With Him never consumed When I have His unending love
I’m trying to raise my voice Trying to sing beyond my night With darkness so thick It steels the words from my heart Is it silence I sing As I try to raise Your name Lord though I’m subdued and silent I’m trying to hold to Your heart But these shadows are stifling The very words I long to say In this heart I cry I cry and long for the touch That I’ve felt in the darkness The one that leads me to the light Where I can sing my true praise Without the fear in my heart
Am I that strong? Do I have the strength to stand? It feels the other comes so close And I don’t have the power to resist anymore The darkness he brings That breaks the light in my soul I’m breaking I shrink In need of a new beginning To find a way forward To find the strength to fight Oh come find me here I long to hear Your voice To set me free From the darkness the evil ones brings
Six years has gone by so fast, I still remember the events of that evening. Just eleven days before my world had collapsed in around me and I was looking for the end. I couldn’t take my life that day, I was to live to fight another day and the fight was to take control of my life. I then met with Gareth, the Pastor of a local Church and things began to change.
The more I faced the truth, the more I actually found out about myself and how bad things had got. For months now I had found myself on my settee drinking wine until the early hours, drinking until I simply fell asleep, sometimes I would even fall asleep clutching an open bottle! I couldn’t leave an open bottle, I had to finish it, even if I awoke at six o’clock in the morning, I would drink the half bottle or so, go upstairs, get ready for work and set off for a days work, just as if this was a normal thing to do. The people at work never suspected a thing, they couldn’t believe it when I tried to explain, they certainly couldn’t understand it.
After meeting with Gareth I never brought any alcohol into the house, I hadn’t drank at home at all, I fought that urge and I was winning. Even going to the pub after training I had began to conquer too. Instead of trying to drink five pints before going home to continue on wine, I had set my limit at two and gone home early, I hadn’t totally stopped drinking, but had taken control.
What I was beginning to realise though, was that with every pint, I disliked the taste more and more. So that night six years ago, after training as we walked across to the pub, I stated to a friend that if I didn’t like the taste of the first pint, then that would be it, I would never drink again.
It’s surprising what state of mine can do when you have control, because that pint tasted like vinegar, it was awful, so I simply finished it and have never drank again.
It was almost as though I was willing that drink to be so bad that I wouldn’t drink ever again, because it was quite simply the worst taking drink I have ever had. I am sure in reality it was a perfectly good pint of cider, but in that moment it tasted like the worst, I wanted it to taste that way and by some miracle it did.
That was at about 10.30pm Thursday 29th March 2012, now six years on, I am still sober, I still haven’t had a drink and still do not want to have a drink, ever again.
I can’t say I haven’t wanted to drink since then, the first few months were hard, especially when withdrawals set in. For a few weeks every muscle and joint seemed to ache continuously, it started with constant headaches and spread right through my body. I remember sitting in Church one Sunday when they were at their worst, I was just crying with the pain, it was painful to simply sit still and painful to move, pain killers weren’t having any effect, I was struggling. I remember sitting alone wishing for it all to go away, so tempted to drink, because I knew the body was simply craving the alcohol that it had become accustom to, I knew if I had drink most of the pain would go away, but I also knew if I did drink, that all the pain of the previous few years would return and I would finally crack under the pressure of it all.
I saw a Doctor who prescribed me cocodomal, I knew this was an addictive painkiller, so I used it sparingly, but in all honesty by the time I got this the pain was beginning to slow and I think I was over the worst of it, so I used it only when I needed to and used only about half a dozen of the tablets I was prescribed.
Over time things got easier, when life hit bit bumps, like when my two Nans died within two months of each other, both times I was really low, even one occasion I felt like just walking out into the middle of the local lake, to be not be seen again, I felt like drinking, but knew I couldn’t. Things were hard, but the different now was, that since God had been speaking into my life, He brought me into a group of people who cared for me, they were and still are my support group, they stand by me in my low moments and they celebrate with me in my high moments.
I can honestly say that in the last couple of years there has been little or no temptation to drink, but I still have trigger points that shake me. I don’t go out on work parties, I don’t want to be where people are drinking to get drunk, I can go with people to a pub or restaurant who are drinking, if it is just social and they aren’t simply getting drunk, I can handle sitting there with my coke while the enjoy one or two pints, I can accept that, it’s fine for people to drink, if they have the control, but where people just want to get lost, I am not interested, the thought of even going brings me to a panic attack, so I simply say no and don’t go.
I can’t drink from anything that resembles a wine glass, I have been served fruit juice in a glass that looked like a wine glass, even though the contents were purely innocent and it was handed to me in all sincerity, I asked for it to be put into a different glass and explained my reasons, they were very understanding and apologized immediately. Even those fruit juices in bottles that resemble wine bottles freak me out, I sat at a friends where they had some of these, again purely innocent fruit juice, but the look of the bottles were like what I used to drink and they freaked me out, that night I didn’t mention it, but I did explain the next time I saw them, they understood.
If a glass bottle or glass jar bang together in a bag I get freaked out, I have to carry glass jars in separate bags, the sound of glass bottle against bottle reminds me of how I used to sneak wine into the house, how I would try to keep them quiet so Victoria would know, when I hear that noise now, I feel like I have to hide them just the same and then I realise how stupid I am being, so I carry glass jars or bottles in separate bags, I’m not weird, I just have my reasons!!!
Life hasn’t been simple since then, it’s had it’s ups and downs, it’s had it’s highs and lows, but for the most part it has been good.
I have had my bad times, but I have hope that conquers it, I have been low and depressed, but my God has walked through every dark night with me, it has been six strong years and I pray for the next six and beyond, that they will all get stronger.
I love this song, it says everything I have to say to God.
FROM THE DAY by I AM THEY When You found me, I was so blind My sin was before me, I was swallowed by pride But out of the darkness, You brought me to Your light You showed me new mercy and opened up my eyes
From the day You saved my soul ‘Til the very moment when I come home I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow From the day You saved my soul
Where brilliant light is all around And endless joy is the only sound Oh, rest my heart forever now Oh, in Your arms I’ll always be found
From the day You saved my soul ‘Til the very moment when I come home I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow From the day You saved my soul
My love is Yours My heart is Yours My life is Yours Forever
My love is Yours My heart is Yours My life is Yours Forever
From the day You saved my soul ‘Til the very moment when I come home I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow From the day You saved my soul
From the day You saved my soul ‘Til the very moment when I come home I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow From the day You saved my soul From the day You saved my soul