Tag Archives: Depression

Not Everyone

Not Everyone

Not everyone’s gonna be happy
Not everyone’s gonna smile
Some will ever struggle
With the expectations of the world
Struggle is okay
To feel low is fine
For all the “snap out of its”
For all the “it’ll be okays”
That never hit the soul
That never ease the heart
Not everyone’s gonna be happy
Not everyone’s gonna smile
But the Lord’s still with them
The Lord still loves them
The One who protects
The One who holds them
I just pray they find His face

To Smile

To Smile

All the fake smiles
All the forced laughs
Let them go
Just forgotten moments
Of a sorry and distant past
Embrace a future
Shining like starlight
Through grace
Let go of all past mistakes
To Him none of it matters
Let your smile be one of joy
Beneath the love of God
A day is to come
When the smile is true
And the laughs are full of joy
But just for now
If the tears should fall
Just keep on holding on

Pills?

Pills?

Please don’t take another pill
You’ve sucked it down
How do you feel?
Has it lifted you from there?
Or dragged you down
Down deeper far
Is this the answer?
Is this the way?
The artificial
Will it save the day?
Will it release the pain?
You hold deep down
The pain that erodes the hope inside
A pill won’t help
It just delays it all
Tomorrow the pain will still be there
Tearing apart the fragile mind
Of a broken soul beyond the world
I speak of this
I’ve took the bottle
It never helped
Just numbed it all
But it returns when it all wore off
And I took it again to try and hide it all
A bleeding heart in the dead of night
Lost his way
Dying inside
Until a day I could face no more
And as I stared to death beyond
His voice came through above the chaos
To shine a light upon the pain inside
From that day I sought Him more
The bottles, the pills had no hold
I put them down and sought His love
To find a way out of this pain
Through open doors I found the light
And I walk free once more
So is this pill the answer for you?
Or can you hear Him calling you
To rise from just where you are
He loves you as He loves me
He cries for you in heaven above
He waits for you
My friend I pray
Embrace His love

The HurtAnd The Healer

The Hurt And The Healer

Don’t you know I’m hurting
Behind the smile I force for you
Can you feel this pain
When you say snap out of it

Do you sense the turmoil
Behind the tears I yield
Have you seen the loneliness
Within the scars I hide

Have you felt the coldness of a heart
That’s given up on life
Could you yield a mighty flame
To reignite this soul that’s died

This weight you could not carry
It’s a burden I must endure
So could you breathe beneath this grave
Of the lost life I threw away

You cannot hold this feeling
It belongs to me alone
You cannot taste this pain
Only I can keep it within

You could never hold back the walls
That close in around my soul
And who could ever free themselves
From the chains I form for myself

No one one earth could understand
Not one could feel this way
None hold the pain that I hold
It’s mine and mine alone

And when the shadows creep
There’s no one here but me
And when the voices scream
No one hears them only me

But I hear them child
I hear the lies they say
I see beyond the shadows
I the light is within

I’ve seen the scars you make
I felt the pain of each
I watched the tears fall
I’ve collected every one

I’ve been with you everywhere
You just chose not to see
I’ve looked over you since forever
You just never to turned to me

And I’m here with you now
Now you’re crying out to the world
Though it seems none are listening
I am feeling every word

I’m calling you from the shadows
Calling you into this light
I’m taking you from this darkness
To be a beacon to people of the night

Stand with me my child
Take your refuge beneath my wings
Walk with me my child
Into all I have for you

I promise I will carry it all
The pain of all you’ve been
Look around I’ve set you free
All your chains have been released

So My Children – 2 Samuel 22:29

So My Children – 2 Samuel 22:29

I’ve seen the lonely child
Shivering in the night
Seen them tear the skin
Looking for a feeling
Where hope is near
Yet nothing works
As shadows close
Shadows just close
I’m calling out to them
Still they do not hear
So my children
Spread my word
For I am the light
To tear wide the darkness
For those in pain
Buried in shadows
I will bring light
To their darkest night
Yet they know not my name
So my children
Spread my word
So the lost may find the light

2 Samuel 22:29

2 Samuel 22:29

I Look Back – Lamentations 3:19-22

I Look Back – Lamentations 3:19-22

Walked blindly
In a darker world
Addiction taken
The life I owned
Steeling the hope
And the light in these bones
In shadows shivering
As the fears fell
No smile
No laughter
Under addiction’s spell
Then the voice spoke
Just before the light came
To throw wide the shadows
To release all the pain
No longer down cast
The light consumed the soul
And now when darkness visits
When it fights for my heart
I look back to the moment
When the voice set me free
I may still see shadows
But His love brings me hope
With Him never consumed
When I have His unending love

Lamentations 3:19-22

Lamentations 3:19-22

Stifled – Psalm 92:1-2

Stifled – Psalm 92:1-2

I’m trying to raise my voice
Trying to sing beyond my night
With darkness so thick
It steels the words from my heart
Is it silence I sing
As I try to raise Your name
Lord though I’m subdued and silent
I’m trying to hold to Your heart
But these shadows are stifling
The very words I long to say
In this heart I cry
I cry and long for the touch
That I’ve felt in the darkness
The one that leads me to the light
Where I can sing my true praise
Without the fear in my heart

Psalm 92:1-2

Psalm 92:1-2

Not That Strong – 1 John 2:13-14

Not That Strong – 1 John 2:13-14

Am I that strong?
Do I have the strength to stand?
It feels the other comes so close
And I don’t have the power to resist anymore
The darkness he brings
That breaks the light in my soul
I’m breaking
I shrink
In need of a new beginning
To find a way forward
To find the strength to fight
Oh come find me here
I long to hear Your voice
To set me free
From the darkness the evil ones brings

1 John 2:13-14

1 John 2:13-14

6 Years Sober!!! – 29/3/12 to 29/3/18

Six years has gone by so fast, I still remember the events of that evening.  Just eleven days before my world had collapsed in around me and I was looking for the end.  I couldn’t take my life that day, I was to live to fight another day and the fight was to take control of my life.  I then met with Gareth, the Pastor of a local Church and things began to change.

The more I faced the truth, the more I actually found out about myself and how bad things had got.  For months now I had found myself on my settee drinking wine until the early hours, drinking until I simply fell asleep, sometimes I would even fall asleep clutching an open bottle!  I couldn’t leave an open bottle, I had to finish it, even if I awoke at six o’clock in the morning, I would drink the half bottle or so, go upstairs, get ready for work and set off for a days work, just as if this was a normal thing to do.  The people at work never suspected a thing, they couldn’t believe it when I tried to explain, they certainly couldn’t understand it.

After meeting with Gareth I never brought any alcohol into the house, I hadn’t drank at home at all, I fought that urge and I was winning.  Even going to the pub after training I had began to conquer too.  Instead of trying to drink five pints before going home to continue on wine, I had set my limit at two and gone home early, I hadn’t totally stopped drinking, but had taken control.

What I was beginning to realise though, was that with every pint, I disliked the taste more and more.  So that night six years ago, after training as we walked across to the pub, I stated to a friend that if I didn’t like the taste of the first pint, then that would be it, I would never drink again.

It’s surprising what state of mine can do when you have control, because that pint tasted like vinegar, it was awful, so I simply finished it and have never drank again.

It was almost as though I was willing that drink to be so bad that I wouldn’t drink ever again, because it was quite simply the worst taking drink I have ever had.  I am sure in reality it was a perfectly good pint of cider, but in that moment it tasted like the worst, I wanted it to taste that way and by some miracle it did.

That was at about 10.30pm Thursday 29th March 2012, now six years on, I am still sober, I still haven’t had a drink and still do not want to have a drink, ever again.

I can’t say I haven’t wanted to drink since then, the first few months were hard, especially when withdrawals set in.  For a few weeks every muscle and joint seemed to ache continuously, it started with constant headaches and spread right through my body.  I remember sitting in Church one Sunday when they were at their worst, I was just crying with the pain, it was painful to simply sit still and painful to move, pain killers weren’t having any effect, I was struggling.  I remember sitting alone wishing for it all to go away, so tempted to drink, because I knew the body was simply craving the alcohol that it had become accustom to, I knew if I had drink most of the pain would go away, but I also knew if I did drink, that all the pain of the previous few years would return and I would finally crack under the pressure of it all.

I saw a Doctor who prescribed me cocodomal, I knew this was an addictive painkiller, so I used it sparingly, but in all honesty by the time I got this the pain was beginning to slow and I think I was over the worst of it, so I used it only when I needed to and used only about half a dozen of the tablets I was prescribed.

Over time things got easier, when life hit bit bumps, like when my two Nans died within two months of each other, both times I was really low, even one occasion I felt like just walking out into the middle of the local lake, to be not be seen again, I felt like drinking, but knew I couldn’t.  Things were hard, but the different now was, that since God had been speaking into my life, He brought me into a group of people who cared for me, they were and still are my support group, they stand by me in my low moments and they celebrate with me in my high moments.

I can honestly say that in the last couple of years there has been little or no temptation to drink, but I still have trigger points that shake me.  I don’t go out on work parties, I don’t want to be where people are drinking to get drunk, I can go with people to a pub or restaurant who are drinking, if it is just social and they aren’t simply getting drunk, I can handle sitting there with my coke while the enjoy one or two pints, I can accept that, it’s fine for people to drink, if they have the control, but where people just want to get lost, I am not interested, the thought of even going brings me to a panic attack, so I simply say no and don’t go.

I can’t drink from anything that resembles a wine glass, I have been served fruit juice in a glass that looked like a wine glass, even though the contents were purely innocent and it was handed to me in all sincerity, I asked for it to be put into a different glass and explained my reasons, they were very understanding and apologized immediately.  Even those fruit juices in bottles that resemble wine bottles freak me out, I sat at a friends where they had some of these, again purely innocent fruit juice, but the look of the bottles were like what I used to drink and they freaked me out, that night I didn’t mention it, but I did explain the next time I saw them, they understood.

If a glass bottle or glass jar bang together in a bag I get freaked out, I have to carry glass jars in separate bags, the sound of glass bottle against bottle reminds me of how I used to sneak wine into the house, how I would try to keep them quiet so Victoria would know, when I hear that noise now, I feel like I have to hide them just the same and then I realise how stupid I am being, so I carry glass jars or bottles in separate bags, I’m not weird, I just have my reasons!!!

Life hasn’t been simple since then, it’s had it’s ups and downs, it’s had it’s highs and lows, but for the most part it has been good.

I have had my bad times, but I have hope that conquers it, I have been low and depressed, but my God has walked through every dark night with me, it has been six strong years and I pray for the next six and beyond, that they will all get stronger.

I love this song, it says everything I have to say to God.

FROM THE DAY by I AM THEY
When You found me, I was so blind
My sin was before me, I was swallowed by pride
But out of the darkness, You brought me to Your light
You showed me new mercy and opened up my eyes

From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul

Where brilliant light is all around
And endless joy is the only sound
Oh, rest my heart forever now
Oh, in Your arms I’ll always be found

From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul

My love is Yours
My heart is Yours
My life is Yours
Forever

My love is Yours
My heart is Yours
My life is Yours
Forever

From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul

From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul
From the day You saved my soul