Tag Archives: Dream

Broken By A Dream

Broken By A Dream

I know I have been here before, I’ve had bad dreams before, reoccurring dreams that in some way get you every time.  But this one is beyond reoccurring, it tortures in a way that messes with the mind.  I know that I am not the only who suffers from these, I have read many recovering alcoholics write or talk of the same dreams, feel the same pain, anguish and guilt.

When I dream in this way the guilt runs through me hard, when I first wake I can’t get my head around the true reality, usually within minutes I can get my head around it, not today though.

These dreams, dreams where I see myself drinking, alone or with others, but nonetheless drinking, where in the dream there is a moment of realisation and then the guilt hits, that is usually when I wake.  In waking it’s like the dream continues, it hard to tell the difference between the dream and reality.

I used to get these fairly regularly, every couple of months or so, but in the last year I have only suffered from one of these, that was some months ago, over the years they come less and less, generally easier to deal with too.

Before I have even got up and walked around my room and even the house to check that there are no empty bottles, no evidence that the dream was actually real.  Once I have satisfied myself it was all a dream the guilt and the sense of panic goes.  For a while I may feel guilty, like I’ve thrown it all away, but usually within minutes this subsides, I get my head straight and carry on to face the day.

But not today.

The early panic hit when I awoke from my dream. But this was different, I couldn’t shake the feeling that although I may not have drank last night, but that I had definitely drank at some point during the last seven and half years.  Though in my heart I know that I haven’t, that I haven’t thrown anything away, my mind kept telling me I had.

After a while it all settled down, I seemed to get my head straight and move on, as before.  Then I got up to get ready for church, I stood in the shower and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I was so short of breath, my chest was pounding and everything went numb.  I have had panic attacks before, I know how they feel, but never this severe, this relentless, I stood paralyzed beneath the running water, I couldn’t move, only struggle for breath and cry.

Eventually, I got myself out of the shower, but I was shaking, I don’t know how long I was in there, must have been at least ten minutes.  But the panic attacks kept coming in waves, I would struggle for breath, cry for a while and then it cleared, only to follow the same cycle.

I forced myself out of the house and on empty legs made it to Church.  During the walk, the panic kept coming, not as severe, but bad enough.

Then once I got there, I just stood there shaking, until someone spoke to me.  From that point onwards, I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t breathe again, I broke down to my friend Richard and explained it all.  We went to one of the quiet rooms upstairs to talk about it and gradually I began to calm down and come back around.  Over the course of the morning, I spoke with Richard and few close friends, ones that know and understand my story and also know of these dreams, they all offered prayers and support.

It’s hard to explain these dreams and feelings to others that have no experience or reference point to compare.  The killer is the guilt, it makes me feel like I’ve let everyone down, like I failed myself and in turned failed my friends and the Lord Himself.

I can put my hand on my heart and swear I have not touched a drink since Thursday 29th March 2012, for two thousand, seven hundred and forty seven days, I have kept the beast at bay.

Today it did not want to stay caged anymore, if it couldn’t make me drink,
it was out to destroy my mind, my heart and my faith.

I’m working it all out, I’m gradually getting my head around it, it was after all just a dream, but I guess it has triggered something deeper inside.

I feel for too long I’ve held everything within, I know I have in my own way been struggling for at least twelve months, I’ve tried to push through on my own, without bothering anyone else, but you can only push so far alone.  Today I think was the day when it all had to come out.  A few things have been troubling me over the summer, I’ve tried to deal with them and just get on with it, but I think today it all became too much, today it hit the surface.

I have friends coming over later to chat, friends I know I can be genuine with, explain it all, they probably know my story, my fears and my struggles better than anyone else, they know of my past experience with these dreams, I know this can only be a good thing.

I haven’t written too much in the way of stories or articles in the last year or so, I have put all my hurt and struggle into my daily poems, but never fully addressed them.  In a poem I can touch on a subject without getting into explanations, maybe I hide behind them sometimes, but I write them with a truthful heart, sometimes with the pain, sometimes the hope and sometimes the fear, but I still understand I have been hiding and now is the time to stop, to be honest.

In being honest, I know I will help myself deal with this guilt and maybe help others understand that maybe they aren’t the only ones that feel this way too.

I started this blog exactly seven years ago today, maybe the time is right to get back to what I started to do when I began this blog, talk about exactly how I feel.  I’m going to continue with the daily poems, but I am also going to start writing like this again too, maybe once a week, maybe once a month, but I am definitely going to write more and deal with my feelings again.

Time to stop hiding.

THE HURT AND THE HEALER by MERCYME
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say it’s over now

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

The Dream – Genesis 40:5-8

The Dream – Genesis 40:5-8

Last night I dreamt I drank again
Stole the wine and hid it away
In solitude I drank three jars
And hid the empty vessels again
I lied to those around me
Denied I had stole or drank the wine
As the disgrace and guilt arose
But was this all just a dream
I couldn’t tell as I awoke
Through the day I felt so guilty
Dream or coming reality I couldn’t tell
Lord tell me it’s all a dream
None of this will come to pass
All this belongs to the old me
Not the one who rose again
These dreams darken my being
Makes the guilt stronger than my hope
Lord tell me none of this vision
Will ever awaken again

Genesis 40:5-8

Genesis 40:5-8

Dreams – Genesis 40:5-8

Dreams – Genesis 40:5-8

I’ve dreamed for much
And dreamed for little
Some make sense
Many so unbelievable
Will any come true?
Will I touch the vision?
Or is it all just in my mind?
To be lost to the pillow
So I take them to the Father
Pray upon their image
To hear of His word
To clarify my dreams
In Him I will find
All the truth that will be
So for now I will carry on
And have the courage to dream

Genesis 40:5-8

Genesis 40:5-8

The Dream

The Dream

I’ve seen it
Night after night
In my dreams
All I need is simple courage
To just take a hand
And all will become new
Yet when morning comes
And I see it all there just as my dreams
My finger tips long to reach a hand
Still I walk on by
Defeated by eternal fear of rejection
The pain rises with the sun
To wear off with the day
I’ll see it once again this night
And repeat this pain again
A vision I pray for
A vision of hope I hold to
Still this fear inside
Rules my life
I walk defeated by my pride
So before I slumber
I close my eyes
I pray to You my Lord
Bring my dreams back to life
To erase this fear
Rebuild these ruins
To a fortress of love
Brought to life under Your light
Tonight I’ll dream
In the morning I’ll wake
I just pray it won’t be the same

Drinking Dreams

I had another dream about drinking last night, it seems so long since I had one, yet this was different, not like the others.

Usually they take the form of me drinking something and the realising what I have done, usually at that point I wake from the dream in a deep sense of panic and guilt, not knowing if it was real or indeed just a dream.  There I scan the room for any evidence, a bottle or a can, when I find nothing and eventually convince myself it was just another dream, I attempt to get back to sleep, hoping the dream or should I say nightmare doesn’t return.

Last night was different, I didn’t see myself drink, there actually was no evidence of any drink in the dream at all. I seemed to believe that at some point I had drank something by mistake, I don’t know how, that wasn’t revealed, but in the dream I was convinced I had and I was trying to reason with myself if I was okay with that or not.

In the dream there wasn’t a sense of panic or guilt, I hadn’t drank purposely, it had happened by accident or at least that’s what I understood had happened. But I seemed to reach no conclusion as to whether I was okay with it. The dilemma seemed to hinge on whether I could keep counting my SoberDays or if I should start again, counting once more from day one!

Obviously in the dream I woke before I reached a conclusion. I woke with no sense of guilt or panic like before. Just intrigue as to how I would feel if that actually happened, if I innocently drank alcohol by mistake, how would I feel?

I’m pretty sure I would be angry, especially if it was avoidable and a mistake on someone else’s part. If someone had done it as a deliberate trick, I’m sure I would be livid, I don’t think I would be in any mind to forgive them, even though I know I should, that’s one of the reasons I avoid nights out with work colleagues and people I don’t know so well, not that I don’t trust them, but I just don’t want to take the chance of it happening.

I guess the real question is would I see this as falling off the wagon, in the dream it appeared to be just a sip or a glass of something, not a continuation of drinking until I was drunk, just that one drink. Would I see this as a reason to stop counting, if I kept counting would I feel I was cheating?

I honestly don’t know how I would take it, should the scenario arise.  I guess if it does, then I’ll find out then for sure.

But for now I keep counting, currently SoberDay 1208.

I love this song, I was a fan of it years before I realised I had a problem, I listened to it earlier today, maybe the answer to my question is in the lyrics.

ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN by SIXX A.M.
Don’t give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it’s alright
You’re not alone
If you don’t love this anymore
I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there’s a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

So don’t give up
It takes a while.

My Pain

My Pain (John 15:7)

Here I cling to You
Holding on so tightly
Your words I desire
To speak unto my heart

My pain You see it all
This pain I know You feel
It’s source it runs so deep
Yet You know from where it flows

So here I pray to You
And dream of it’s ending
My wish is so simple
To bring this hurting to it’s end

John 15:7

John 15:7

As Morning Comes

AS MORNING COMES

As the evenings came
My skies fell in
When the darkness rises
Once more my heart sinks
Down to the bottom I descend
In a broken moment
As the tears stream
A desperate prayer
From the heart I make
Upon the tear soaked pillow
I rest a shattered mind
Hoping for sleep
And a moment peace
When morning comes I awake
No tear stains mark the face
All washed away
And kept someplace safe
You heard my prayer
You’ve saw my dreams
For the morning has come
I rise once more
With a rejoiceful heart
I give praise to Your name

Fighting For Rest

Fighting For Rest

Sleep creeps along these aching bones
My mind wanders along a lonely road
No need to count the sheep as they pass
They quietly drift by as my tired eyes fight

I carry on pushing through the hours
No time for sleep as I’ve still so much to do
Still wrestling with the urge to lay my head
Now I’m closing on the moment I consent

I hit the pillow so hard I sink right within
Now it’s my time to fall so very deep
To embrace the peaceful dreams I so crave
To rest the bones that carry me through each day

The weekend has once again come back around
Thankfully I have made it through this week
Upon minimal rest I’ve walked this busy path
So now I can relax and take that well earned rest