Tag Archives: Dreams

Deepest Dreams (John 15:7)

Deepest Dreams (John 15:7)

Your deepest dreams
Of your heart’s desire
Of love or hope
Rescue or release

So hold on to Him
And His mighty word
Embrace the Son
And call upon His great name

Your heartfelt prayers
Will be received in Heaven
Made in the name of the Son
And answered by the Father

John 15:7

John 15:7

As Dreams Fade

As Dreams Fade (Psalm 130:5)

What is it I have?
What is it I lack?
What this heart desires
Fills my dreams
I see it there
Night after night
There I reach
It will all be alright
Then morning comes
A new sun rises
As dreams fade
I walk on by
Hope to despair
I leave into the day
I cry, I cry
When, when
Will this dream come to pass?
I lift my hands
I raise my eyes
And once more I hear You ask

“Do you trust in me?”

Psalm 130:5

Psalm 130:5

Guilt & Self Loathing, Is This Really Just A Dream?

I woke last night in a state of panic, in a state of self loathing, hatred and guilt, not knowing if what  I had just witness was a guilt ridden truth or just a trick of my imagination as I slept, it’s not the first time I’ve woken this way and sadly I guess it won’t be the last.

I woke staring at the floor, right next to where I lay, was an empty bottle of 20Cl Captain Morgans Dark Rum, the same bottle I had just drank right down and tossed to the floor.

I don’t remember any other detail from the dream, I don’t remember why I was drinking the Rum, all I remember is those few seconds where I emptied the bottle of rum in one go and threw it to the ground.

At that moment in the dream there was this immense feeling of guilt and self loathing when I realised that I had drunk the rum, then at point that I woke, for a moment it was hard to fathom out if I was still in the dream or I had actually woken from it.  For those few moments upon waking the guilt remained, along with the self loathing until having looked at the floor and realising there was no bottle, it dawned on me that it was only a dream.

I’ haven’t had one of these dreams for a number of months and to be fair they only come along once in a while.  Usually there is no trigger, they just come along rather randomly and have the same effect each time, that over whelming feeling of guilt.

The guilt comes with the realisation that I have drank again, which makes me feel like I have totally let everyone down, which leads to the self loathing and hatred.

One thing is, that if these are the feelings that come from a dream, how much more intense will the feelings be if this was for real.  In a way this drives me on, it serves as a kind of constant reminder that I am never going back, I can’t go back to who I was.

But I also hate these dreams, I really do, it’s just that moment of confusion, that fleeting moment of deep guilt really does hurt, it takes a while to come around to the realisation it is all a dream and get myself to the point of comfort that I can get back to sleep.

I thank God so much that His grace allowed me this freedom from the addiction that controlled me, but these dreams evoke that the guilt of feeling that I have betrayed His love and mercy for me, that is the part hard to take.

GRACE AND LOVE (ACOUSTIC) by KUTLESS
Many things in life are hard for me
Many things can pull us down
I don’t understand why I do what I do
How could I take my eyes off you
After all You’ve done for me
And after all You’ve done for me

It’s by Your grace and love I am saved
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I’m amazed
It’s by Your grace and love I am free
I am free

And it’s by grace and love that I am free
I’ll live with you eternally
I thank you Lord that I am free
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying upon the tree of Calvary
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying for me

Because it’s by grace and love I am saved
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I’m amazed
It’s by Your grace and love I am free
I am free

Many things in life are hard for me
Byt my grace and love You’ve forgiven me
And by grace and love we are free

Blink

BLINK

You know all this can change
None of this is beyond My reach
Just bring it all to Me
Place your dreams within My hands

Worry not for tomorrow
Know My heart holds all your hopes
But sometimes what took an age to break
Can take as long to put back together

Believe Me when I say
I have only the best planned for you
I’ll breathe life into dry bones
And I’ll build a stronghold from your ruins

Keep walking with Me each day
Feel I’m with you in every fight
But things can happen in a moment
And lives can change in the blink of an eye

The Trumpet’s Call

THE TRUMPET’S CALL

Can you stand?
Will you rise before the climbing of the sun?
I know that you have dreams
For I’ve collected all the tears wrapped within your prayers
Come take a walk with me
Let us march around the fortress that holds captive all your hopes
For if you’re not there
At the sounding of the mighty trumpets call
How will you ever know?
That I’ve thrown wide open the mighty fortress walls

Verse of the Day – 2 Chronicles 15:7

2 Chronicles 15:7

2 Chronicles 15:7

There are still times when I lose faith in my hope and dreams for my future.  The shame of the past is a big mountain to climb, the financial burden is a heavy weight to carry, it can be hard to get up and keep going.  But I know He keeps telling me not to worry, to just stay strong, don’t give, it will all work out, it’s just every now and again something happens that knocks me down again, but I will keep trying, I’m not ready to give up just yet.

SOMETHING GLORIOUS by REVIVE
You’re staring at the ceiling 
But the stars are out tonight
You’re looking for some meaning
But you’re afraid of the Divine
Open your eyes 
To see through the walls of doubt
Open your heart
To live beyond the shell that hold you down

Show me something Glorious
Show me something Glorious
I’ll show you the Maker of it all
Show me something beautiful
Show me something beautiful
I’ll show you the One behind it all

You’re standing on the surface
You can’t tell how deep it goes
Searching for a purpose
To this life you’ve come to know
Open your eyes
To see through the walls of fear
Open your heart 
To live behind the shell that keeps you here

Show me something Glorious
Show me something Glorious
I’ll show you the Maker of it all
Show me something beautiful
Show me something beautiful
I’ll show you the One behind it all

You ain’t seen nothing yet
You ain’t seen nothing yet
You ain’t seen nothing yet
Open your eyes

Show me something Glorious
I’ll show you the Maker of it all
Show me something beautiful
I’ll show you the One behind it all

Show me something Glorious
Show me something Glorious
I’ll show you the Maker of it all
Show me something beautiful
Show me something beautiful
I’ll show you the One behind it all

You’re staring at the ceiling
But the stars are out tonight

The Haunting

It happened again last night, I had another of those dreams or if you like nightmares.  It’s happened before, where I’m convinced I have been drinking again and when I come to write my journal, the pain and remorse hits when I try to write the SoberDay number at the top of the page.

As I say, I’ve had similar dreams before, this time around it was just one night of drinking, a skin full of cider down the pub, no wine at home, I had just been out drinking.  The funny thing was I actually don’t remember drinking in the dream, just the feeling when I tried to write my journal, it was at that point it seemed I remember drinking.

I’ve not had that many dreams like this, just a few, which I guess as I approach 500 days of sobriety, that’s not bad going.  Maybe the dream was just bad karma after kicking a poor defenceless hedgehog (well, as defenceless as a hedgehog gets).

Oh well, a day off work today to sort a few things out, although over twenty minutes on the phone to the Tax Department has took the gloss of the day, I have a few hours of drawing to do this afternoon and then this evening I’m out to work once again, I may just get chance for a another post later, we’ll see.

EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW by STELLAR KART
All alone, it’s confusion
All the guilt, and all the blame

I was lost and afraid
I was praying I was hoping for an end to the pain
Oh how my heart was broken 
What a sad sad song
But that was yesterday

Everything is different now
You’re the love I finally found
Everything is different now
Because of you

It’s beautiful
How you surround me
Pull me in
And don’t let go

I am yours to the end
I am caught in your gravity
I’m not going back to the way that it used to be
A sad sad song
But that was yesterday

Everything is different now
You’re the love I finally found
Everything is different now
Because of you
Everything is different now because of you
(Everything is different now)

I, am yours forever
You have my heart
You have me

Everything is different now
You’re the love I finally found
Everything is different now
Because of you(Because of you)
Everything is different now
You’re the love I finally found
Everything is different now
Because of you

Hey!

My Nightmare

Last night I had a dream, that for me turned from celebration to nightmare, a vision of a possible reality that scares me something chronic.

I was celebrating with friends, celebrating another landmark day in my journey through my sobriety, I’m not sure it was my one year anniversary but it was a celebration all the same.

It was all going rather well until in my dream I picked up a bottle of wine and started innocently drinking from it in celebration, in the dream when I realised what I was doing I freaked, I threw the bottle down and went absolutely crazy.

I was so distraught, primarily because my counting of my SoberDays had stopped and in my thinking my life was now heading back to where I was, if my counting had stopped and then so would my journey with God.

In the midst of this chaos I woke, slightly sweaty and a little confused as to whether this was a dream or reality. I finally got a grip and realised it was just a dream, but the possible reality of the situation scared me, that something so seemingly innocent, a momentary lapse in this process of celebration, could have catastrophic consequences in my life.

In jubilation the guard was neglected and even though in the dream there was no temptation, I wasn’t drawn to the bottle fighting an urge, I just picked it up, I came to the realisation that I may be close to a year free of that demon, but it chases me always and I must remain on my guard, forever.

Though I rarely feel tempted by drinking these days, something out there will be there to attack me when I least expect it, so I’ll keep praying for the strength to keep resisting and to be ready to fight with all I have, when that innocent moment may arise.

But for now, I’m in a good place, I’m still counting, I’m still walking my path and I’m seeing the world with different eyes, life is good, but I know not to get too complacent, the fight is not over!

Awake, awake, awake my soul,
God resurrect these bones
From death to life, through you alone
Awake my soul

(Awake My Soul by Chris Tomlin)