Tag Archives: Echoing Angels

Finding Peace

For the second night running I had very little sleep. Just two pints in two days was not enough to take the edge off what was happening. Although I had a sense of change, I was changing things about myself, fighting the urges of addiction and generally trying to be a better me, I don’t think as yet I had fully embraced the effect God was already having on my life.

I didn’t know who had spoke to me on Sunday afternoon, I didn’t known who had whispered that my children needed me. I didn’t know who had said I had to listen to “Healing Begins”, these were just voices in my head, I didn’t know then that they were the voice of God.

Work for me is pretty much a nine and half hour shift, then at times a would leave work, walk fifteen minutes to where I used to work for the architects and do a few hours work there, come Wednesday evening this was my day.

It had been a hard day at work and then the work at the architects wasn’t straight forward either, I wanted to get in there do what I needed to do, then get out, but this wasn’t happening, things were going on and on, it seemed like there was more and more things I had to sort out.

I remember beginning to get stressed with it all and thinking to myself, it would all be alright, on the way home I could nip to the shop, pick up a couple of bottles of wine and then when I get home, all would be alright, I had something to look forward to!

I finally finished my work and set off home. I got home, had tea, watched a bit of tv with the kids and then decided it was time for bed, then it hit me…

I hadn’t had a drink.

I hadn’t gone to the shop or grabbed those couple of bottles and I hadn’t missed it or craved for it since leaving the architects, something had changed, there was a Spirit within I never knew I had.

At that moment I closed my eyes, put my hands together and prayed, I thanked God for the strength He had given me to get through this night, I prayed for that continued strength to keep fighting, to get through all of this.

Then I put my head on the pillow and went to sleep. I woke the next morning with the alarm and immediately felt I had had the most peaceful nights sleep ever, at that moment I felt with all certainty that God had heard my prayer and answered it.

In that moment God became real to me, for years I had not believed, now I knew He was there and I knew He was for me, all I could do was cry, but now for the first time in ages, they were tears of joy.

That morning my journey with God started in earnest, things had really changed.

GIVE YOU PEACE by ECHOING ANGELS
I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Verse of the Day – Job 11:18-19

Job 11:18-19

Job 11:18-19

This is the amazing promise of our God, I have felt fear overcome me before, but God’s promise is stronger than anything, His peace overcomes all.

GIVE YOU PEACE by ECHOING ANGELS
I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

I’ll give you peace

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

I’ll give you peace

Verse of the Day – John 14:25-27

John 14:25-27

John 14:25-27

When we have the Holy Spirit and we learn to trust in the power of the Holy Spirit, we find peace in the most unlikeliest of places and situations.

GIVE YOU PEACE by ECHOING ANGELS
I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Verse of the Day – Proverbs 19:23

Proverbs 19:23

Proverbs 19:23

Whatever you may be going through, good times or bad, may the Lord give us all peaceful and satisfied sleep.

GIVE YOU PEACE by ECHOING ANGELS
I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Verse of the Day – Numbers 6:24-26

Numbers 6:24-26

Numbers 6:24-26

Whatever day you’ve had, good or bad, may the Lord bless you and bring you peace.

GIVE YOU PEACE by ECHOING ANGELS
I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Verse of the Day – Matthew 11:28

Matthew 11:28

Matthew 11:28

Sometimes I am guilty of letting the chaos rule over me, rather than just rest in His peace.

GIVE YOU PEACE by ECHOING ANGELS
I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful

Verse of the Day – John 14:27

John 14:27

John 14:27

So many times over the last couple of years I have received His peace when I have needed it.

So many times has this song been a reminder of His promise too, so many times has this played on my iPod just when I need it.

GIVE YOU PEACE by ECHOING ANGELS
I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Verse of the Day – Psalm 29:11

Psalm 29:11

Psalm 29:11

I love this verse, it echoes the very night, exactly 100 weeks ago, when at about this time of night I prayed for the first time, I simply asked for strength to get through, having not slept for a few nights before, what I received was the most peaceful nights sleep I’ve ever had.

When I woke the next morning, I had this incredible feeling, that my prayer had been answered, that morning my relationship with God started in earnest.

GIVE YOU PEACE by ECHOING ANGELS
I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

What Do You See When I Say I’m An Alcoholic?

Over the last few weeks it’s fair to say that I’ve had a number of occasions where I’m pretty certain the people around me have no idea what an alcoholic actually is or even should look and act like. Even my own parents seem to me like they fail to see me as an alcoholic, either they can’t accept that their Son has failed in this way or they just don’t know what an alcoholic actually is!

A couple of weeks ago at work when the discussions turned to the Christmas dinner and I said I would be going straight home after the dinner itself, I was asked if I could have a drink and still be okay. Obviously I said no, I couldn’t trust that myself and know it would be okay and as it almost destroyed my life, I would not take that chance of falling back into that hole, it was a case for me that I just couldn’t take that one drink, it wasn’t worth it, for that I was called weak!

This was one of the reasons why I didn’t want to go to the dinner. Sometimes opinionated people just aren’t worth arguing with, there is no way I can really explain it, only with the experience of living out this or indeed any other addiction can you really appreciate how it is.

But what does the world see as being an alcoholic?

In this day and age we see what the media shows us, the stereotypes, the drunken bum, staggering the streets, slurring all his words and generally a bit of mess, a little bit mad.  There’s the guy that props up the bar every night, he’s lost everything already and drinks as if it’s all he has left, you know the type, whisky or brandy, no soft stuff, just hard liquor every night.

Then there’s the load mouth, getting tanked up on as many pints as possible, fighting anyone who looks at him the wrong way, he then probably goes home and beats up his wife/girlfriend or even his kids, we’ve all heard the stories and seen it on TV.

There are so many images of an alcoholic we can all see in the everyday media, but essentially we assume that an alcoholic gets out of his tree every time, he has to blackout, not remember who they are or what they did.  I admit there were a few times I can’t remember what I did or how I got home, some embarrassing times, but these were when I went out with others, this was a once a year sort of thing, not my everyday alcoholic lifestyle.

I don’t think I fit into any of these stereotypical vision of an alcoholic, that’s why I managed to hide it so well, people just didn’t know what they were looking at, they didn’t read the signs, because society tells us something different, it paints a very different picture of this addiction call alcoholism.

I know many people who “get out of their tree” more in a couple of months than I did in all my years where I would consider myself an alcoholic.  But I don’t believe they have a drinking problem, they drink maybe a little a few nights a week and then go out and party once in a while.

But that wasn’t my style, it wasn’t me, I didn’t mind a few drinks in the pub while chatting with others, but the pub crawl and night club lifestyle, well I hated it, I don’t see how people can do it each week, but many of those that do and get stinking drunk once a week, society now says have a drinking problem, they are binge drinkers and something has to be done about the problem.

But what about me, the silent drinker, the guy that prefers to do his drinking in solitude, behind closed doors, away from the public eye.  I might not have got drunk every night or even once a week, but isn’t that a bit of a problem, I got to the point that in my own home I could almost drink as much as I wanted and still not feel drunk, not pass out without remembering the night before, no I would just drink until I fell asleep, still remembering everything, as each month passed my resistance to the stuff grew and grew, how much could I drink or need to drink until I passed out.

But I am convinced that society doesn’t see this as alcoholic, it doesn’t recognise it, because they never see this side of the problem.  The silent drinker doesn’t make a fool of themselves in the pub or embarrass people at parties, they may do once in a while, but let’s face it most people whether heavy drinkers or not have done that.

These binge drinkers that party at the weekend and if you like sober up during the week, are they truly alcoholics?  I would personally say not, they don’t drink because they actually have to, because there is no other way for them, they drink for the most part of peer pressure or to fit in with the crowd, it’s a social thing, I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s the way I see it.

Why did I drink, initially because I enjoyed it, then when life began to take a turn and the stress was hard to deal with, when I found that the nights I didn’t drink I couldn’t sleep, the stress would keep me awake all night, but the nights when I drank, I would be nice and relaxed and sleep through, it became a no brainer, drink each night, problem solved.  Then a couple of drinks became four pints, then four became six, then eight, then I moved to wine, one bottle, then two, then eventually I found myself drinking five pints and two bottles of wine a night, not just one night, but most nights, a minimum would be at least five or six pints of strong lager or cider, I couldn’t drink the weak stuff, it had to be min 5% alcohol, nothing else would do.

Eventually though you get into this cycle, where what you are going to drink that night takes precedent over everything else, affording that is more important that paying bills, you work out what you need for drink that week or even that night and the rest can wait, that will get paid when it get’s paid, I must drink, I have to, I can’t survive unless I get my drink.  There were night’s when I didn’t have money to drink, Victoria had long since challenged me about my drinking, but I brushed it off, but on these night’s even she gave me money to go to the shop, she knew I would be impossible to be around unless I had something to drink, that’s how bad it was, she even called me FUN BOBBY, for all you die hard Friends fans will no doubt get the reference!

When I was home alone during the day I would watch the clock, in my head it was okay to drink at tea time, to start when my tea was ready, that was okay, wasn’t it?  Funny how the clock never seems to tick by fast enough, eventually I couldn’t take waiting, I would have a few cans in the quiet of the afternoon and dump the cans before anyone knew, it was okay as long as no one found out.

Are these the actions of the alcoholics we see in the media, I would say not, that’s probably why I never thought I had a problem, because I wasn’t like the drunks we are told are alcoholics, nothing like them at all.  But I drank because it took control, if I didn’t I would be restless, short tempered, I would rub my hands and scratch at my arms, all the while whilst pacing around the house, trying to fight it, but losing.

The night it all blew up here with Victoria and I finally realised what I was and that I no longer had any control over it, indeed I hadn’t for some time, that night I knew this was destroying me, but for a while it got worse, I wasn’t eating, only drinking, drinking everything I could get my hands on and all I could do was apologise each and every time I left the house to go to the shop, I would say I’m sorry as I walked out again, unable to control the urge, to fight the addiction.

Then I found myself desperate to die, I was ready to go, I had the knife, I had it at my wrist, I had all the reasons floating around my head, how bad I was and how everyone was better off without me, but I couldn’t do it, I should rephrase that, I wasn’t allowed to do it.  The next morning obviously I made the call to Gareth and he brought God into my life, from there my life began to change, I began to gain control over this problem, over the next ten days I slowly lowered my intake until on 29th March 2012, I took my last drink.

Since then it’s been a roller coaster, the withdrawals were hard, but they could have been worse, you can’t explain to people how they affect you, everything ached, my whole body, nothing escaped it, pain killers hardly did anything, it was a case of just ride it out.  I’m not saying I haven’t been tempted since I stopped, I have, but I know there is no going back to that, it’s not worth it.

But the problem is, how many others are suffering this disease in silence, drinking themselves into a hole in their own house, where the world doesn’t see them and doesn’t recognise their problem.  It may not be a big amount they’re drinking, but it’s the reason they are drinking that is key, I drank to remove me from my problems, which I’m sure many of the silent drinkers do also.  The people I knew where taken completely by surprise when I announced I was an alcoholic, the usual, “we knew you liked a drink, but we didn’t see you as an alcoholic”, no one saw it, because they don’t know the signs, they’ve never been shown them!

How many people will silently drink themselves into a grave, I was lucky, I got saved, I know I was heading that way, when I stopped drinking my blood pressure was sky high, I was a heart attack waiting to happen, but that may not of killed me first, I may just have succeeding in taking my own life first, that Sunday 18th March 2012, that wasn’t the first time I stood there with a blade to my wrist, far from it, but it was the last time in a probably a dozen times where I had stood there in that scenario, each time when I put the blade down I was so angry, I was so mad with myself because I neither had the courage to live or the courage to die, I was in the void, lost in the darkness.

When God came into my life my whole world began to change, everything changed, I changed, when I prayed that first time, all I asked for was strength to get through this and to sleep, that night my prayer came true, I had the best night’s sleep and not a drop of alcohol in sight, I knew then God was with me, I knew I had got it right.

The Lord gives strength to his people;
The Lord blesses his people with peace.
Psalm 29:11

GIVE YOU PEACE by ECHOING ANGELS
I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

And I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace