Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
Well our One Big Weekend slowly draws to a close, it’s been an amazing weekend although a tiring one, but one to remember.
Yesterday was a long but immensely enjoyable day, that was followed by another early start at Church, to set up the camera’s in the auditorium for recording the preach as part of the first live transmission of our ECTV web program.
It is safe to say that after yesterday’s epic event, there was a fire ignited within everyone, the level of Worship was most definitely turned up another notch, then Justin’s preach was as passionate and driven as always.
I understand that the broadcast of ECTV went well this morning, despite a few minor technical issues which I’m sure will be ironed out for next week, but we will learn from these and therefore improve our service.
I’m beginning to forget how I used to spend my Sunday mornings, the memories of them are becoming more and more distant, I spent so many of them alone in a sort of self imposed isolation, slipping silently into my own dark world.
It’s hard to believe that I live for my Sunday’s now, they are the days I look forward to most, come Monday morning I can’t wait for Sunday to come around again.
The only other days that come close are the Fridays when I’m involved in Amplified, our Youth ministry and the Wednesday’s when we have our Connect Group meetings, which are every other week.
This Wednesday should be Connect Group meeting, but our Group hosts are away this week and so it will take place next week, not sure if I can wait that long.
Back to work tomorrow, but only the one day at work this week, I’ve got a few days off, I have a bit of architectural work to fit in this week, but mainly a bit of downtime and preparation ready for the National Championship’s next Saturday, this will be my last competition before retirement, after 30 years, I will retire from competitive karate and settle back into the role of coach only.
GOD’S GREAT DANCE FLOOR by CHRIS TOMLIN I’m coming back to the start Where You found me I’m coming back to Your heart Now I surrender
Take me This is all I can bring
I’m coming back to the start Our God is freedom And here we feel Your heart Your heartbeat for us
Take me This is all I can bring
You’ll never stop loving us No matter how far we run You’ll never give up on us All of heaven shouts Let the future begin
Take me This is all I can bring
You’ll never stop loving us No matter how far we run You’ll never give up on us All of heaven shouts Let the future begin
I feel alive I come alive I am alive On God’s great dance floor
I am now officially shattered, it’s been a long day, but a fantastic one at that.
It started with that inner struggle, 5am alarm, do I get up and walk or do I lie for a little longer, I could hear the light rain against the window, so I caved in, set an alarm for an hour or so later and turned over to go to sleep, then I came to my senses, jumped up, got ready and set off for a long walk.
I know I haven’t walked as much lately, but I didn’t think that my old 13.5mile route would be too much trouble, but it turned out to be one the hardest walks I’ve ever taken, it just shows how with only a few weeks off we quickly get out of the habit, but I was determined to complete the full route.
Following a quick shower (a cold one I might add), it was straight out to help with the set up for One Big Weekend at Church, it was just the start of a busy day, but what turned out to be a fantastic day.
One Big Weekend was epic, it was fantastic to be part of such an event. Both our Church campuses came together under one roof for the event, it was great to catch up with friends from Wellingborough.
One Big Weekend
It was a great way to spend my 450th SoberDay, to be part of such an unbelievable family, as I’ve said many times before, the more time I spend in their company the more I grow as person, they make both me and my faith stronger, I am blessed to be part of such an amazing Church.
So now I think it will be an early night, it’s the launch of ECTV tomorrow and I’ll be on main Camera in the auditorium, so not sure if I’ll walk tomorrow morning, I had planned to, but I may just take the lay in and be fresh for duty, we’ll see.
Now for a song, it may just be one of those coincidences but a funny thing happened on way home from my walk this morning. Every morning my walk to work takes me past my Nanna’s grave, I stop every morning, talk to her and then pray, my long walks also bring me back past the grave, so as normal I stopped, talked and prayed. As I walk with my iPod on, I tend to leave the headphones in as I stop, just turn the music down, it is mainly Christian music or music I find inspiration in. When I prayed this morning, once again I prayed for my situation with Victoria, it’s a prayer I make almost every time I pray, I pray for God to bring us back together, to make this family complete, the same prayer I nearly always make, then I finished my prayer said goodbye to Nanna and turned to walk home, in that instant of turning around the song on my iPod changed, it changed to of all songs Let It Be by The Beatles, it took me by surprise at first, then when I started singing quietly the lyrics hit me, especially the following lyrics:
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree There will be an answer, let it be For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see There will be an answer, let it be
I felt as though I had my answer, I should just “Let It Be” because He has got it covered. Needless to say I found myself singing out loud as I walked through the cemetery!
LET IT BE by THE BEATLES When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree There will be an answer, let it be For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see There will be an answer, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be There will be an answer, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me Shine until tomorrow, let it be I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be There will be an answer, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
So here we are just 24 hours from the launch of ECTV, one of the most exciting projects I’ve even been involved in, to say I’m a little excited is an understatement.
Today is our launch event One Big Weekend at Church, which comes on my 450th Sober Day, another reason to celebrate and what a great day to do it on.
I am officially shattered this evening, it’s been a long, long weekend, it’s Sunday evening and I’ve just finished work at 8.15pm!!!! On a Sunday!!! Sunday’s are for Church then Karate, but work as well?
I could just close my eyes and sleep, if I wasn’t so hungry and still actually mentally buzzing!
Friday was a great night at Amplified once again, our youth ministry is growing each week, but for me it makes a long day, but I don’t mind. I work from 7.30am to 4pm, then leave to teach karate from 4.30 to 6pm, then rush home change and out to Church until gone 10pm, a long, but extremely enjoyable day.
Yesterday was a crazy day too, I went for a 3 hour walk first thing, then at 10.30am went to Ursula’s for what I thought would be 3 or 4 hours of architectural work, wrong, eight hours later I walked home with a fried brain!!!!
So this morning another early start at Church to get the cameras set up, then filming the main service, Justin was preaching this week and boy did he cover every inch of the stage, he never stood still for too long, I had to concentrate so hard on the tiny viewing screen to follow him and keep in view, hard work, but I enjoy it, I actually enjoy the test, it helps me improve my camera work, especially with ECTV due to go live in two weeks.
A bit if lunch then off to karate for two and half hours of teaching, then leave there to go back to Ursula’s for another two and half hours staring at a computer screen, now I’m completely brain fried, but I’m not finished yet, I’m back there tomorrow night after work as well.
So now for tea and then, hopefully, a long and peaceful sleep!!!!
I heard this song on my iPod whilst walking yesterday, I’ve listened to it many times, but yesterday morning it really caught my attention, so I thought I would share it with you all.
STREETS by ABOVE THE GOLDEN STATE When shadows turn to faces, and when faces take on names When names tell us their stories, of their brokenness and pain When love flows through the cities, through the grid of all the streets Under bridges in the alleys, like blood through our veins
Love is real Love will bleed Love will heal Love will need
When love is used like money, it turns into our greed When love is more like water, then everyone will drink So let it flow through all our cities, and flood them like the sea Fill the souls that hunger, Lord give us what we need
Love change the world … Love change the world …
You can see it when He walks around You can feel it when He moves the ground We’re all colored with a crimson stain Can you see it now, can you see Him now
From the clouds to the world below From the mountain to the city of gold Love is coming like an urgent rain Can you feel it now, can you feel Him now
It’s been another eventful day, an early start at Church this morning, in early to set up the cameras and test the live stream, job done set up on time and tested successfully!
More camera practice during the service, prior to the last few weeks, I’ve only been on camera a handful of times, but I’m getting the hang of it and hopefully improving my technique.
Following lunch with other members of the team which will be heading ECTV, we returned to Church to begin practice runs for the launch in just over a months time, the whole project seems extremely interesting. Practice will continue over the next few weeks on Sundays and also further practice on Friday evenings, busy times, but good times.
I’m so glad I found my way to Everyday Champions Church, I don’t think I’ve felt so much a part of something as exciting as this, maybe when I was on the England Karate squad and competing around the world comes close, but back then I was ruining my potential by drinking, even back then when I wasn’t drinking to runaway from everything, I was just drinking, it didn’t have a hold on me, but it was something I just did out of habit, I guess that’s how these things happen, habits become addictions.
But now, as I said last week, it’s a completely different feeling, last year I was lost, after everything around me seemed to collapse, I had this enormous feeling that it was all over for me, I was washed up and worthless to anyone and everyone, I no longer had a use or purpose, at least those were the thoughts when I had that penknife at my wrists, those were the feelings that were driving my despair, they just ran through my mind, bouncing around in there, those and many others of worthlessness. Lucky for me I wasn’t supposed to end my life, I was supposed to continue the fight and make it through, so I guess I’ve made it this far.
I’ve thought about those moments a lot over the last few days, not in a bad way, actually in a good way, on the way home after Wednesday evening’s Connect Group, Sarah our host asked me to prepare something to share with the group that explained what Christ’s death up on the cross meant to me, well straight away it was a no brainer, simple, I thought straight away back to those moments in my bathroom with that knife, those moments that through all the sad tormenting thoughts that were driving me, forcing that blade closer to my wrist, that just when those thoughts seem to have dominion, that blade stopped it gradual movement closer and one single thought seemed to blow the rest out of my mind, MY KIDS, it was the same thought every time, all those numerous times that this event played out.
“It would be better for my children to live with me as I am,
than live with the memory of what they were going to find!”
That one thought made me put that blade down, but I would be so angry, so so angry with myself, I felt I was in a state of limbo, neither living nor dead, trapped between the two, without the COURAGE TO LIVE or the COURAGE TO DIE.
But now I realise, now I know, Jesus died upon that cross for my sins,
He gave His life so I didn’t have to take mine.
Quite simply on that those sad days something was happening that it would take months to realise:
He held my wrists safe and whispered in my ear, He wouldn’t let me do it, it wasn’t my time.
So now I feel part of something exciting and I’m really looking forward to next few weeks, I now at least have a use and purpose.
On a sadder note tonight, after I got home this afternoon, I had a bit of tea and decided to take a nap, until I was woken a couple of hours later by the phone ringing, it was Victoria ringing to see if I had got home, as our street had been closed off by the Police.
Unbeknownst to me shortly after I fell asleep, a house only around the corner from where we live had been destroyed in a gas explosion, I never heard a thing, but that’s not uncommon, I once slept through a small earthquake, on that occasion I vaguely remember Victoria trying to wake me to tell me everything was shaking and things were falling off the walls, but I knew nothing until she told me in the morning, it seems this evening was no different, all this was happening around me and I was sound asleep.
My understanding is that there are casualties, but I’m not sure how badly the injuries are, but my thoughts and prayers are with those families affected by this evenings events.
I stand amazed at your love for me That lonely night in Gethsemane This sinner’s heart can’t help but thrill To hear you pray Father not my will
What depth of love, what reach of grace O how my grateful heart now aches To sing it louder the refrain Jesus died my soul to save
Atonement full, applied to me The blood that spilled at Calvary Has swallowed all my sin and shame Now reconciled, in Jesus’ name
O such pleasure, o such pain The Father’s wrath and fury laid On Christ whom saints and angels praise Jesus died my soul to save
Come you broken bound by sin Let your weary journey end Come and lay your burdens down Where mercy rules and peace abounds
What can wash away my sin Nothin’ but the blood What can make me whole again Nothin’ but the blood (Jesus Died My Soul To Save by Pocket Full Of Rocks)
It’s been another good day today, a great day at Church that is.
After yesterday’s long day at the Show, I skipped walking this morning, I knew it would be a fairly long day at Church, seeing as I was on main camera, where concentration is key, I wanted to be as awake as I possibly could.
Justin gave another great preach as part of the current Life Detox series, I’ll need to listen to the podcast again as I walk sometime this week, unfortunately I find as I’m concentrating on following Justin’s every movement on stage, I don’t take in as much of what he is saying as I would like, but what I did take in sounded great as usual.
Then after a short lunch break Gareth took the stage to outline our Church’s current vision for the future, for expansion both short term and long term. Once again as I was on the camera for Gareth’s presentation, I couldn’t take it all in detail, but I got the basic outline of what he was saying and the vision for expansion, which sounds exciting.
Part of that vision will include the expansion of the current live streaming of our services. We currently film our services and live stream the preach to our other campus in Wellingborough and to the internet, as well as uploading an audio podcast to iTunes for download. Podcasts of our services can be found here. The plan is starting next month we will be launching ECTV, which will broadcast parts of our service and other features live to the internet each Sunday, as well as broadcasting other media and information for our Connect Groups and anyone else who maybe interested.
It’s certainly an honour to be part of something as exciting as this and to be trusted to carry out camera duties for many of the forthcoming live services.
When I look back to Sunday 18th March 2012, when I was in the middle of an alcoholic bender and staring into a mirror with a penknife at my wrist, on the edge, almost over, to where I find myself now, the change in my life is an absolute miracle, nothing short of amazing.
That’s all thanks to what God did for me that day, when He blew all those destructive thoughts away, when He whispered in my ear and held my wrists safely apart, He started the process of breathing life back into these dry bones.
The very next day He gave me the courage to call Gareth, which just two weeks later brought me to the Everyday Champions Church, where I now find myself part of a family.
For those interested I will keep you informed over the coming weeks regarding the launch of ECTV next month, in the mean time I believe we will still be live streaming from our services, I will let you know where you can find them on the internet later this week.
I know I’ve used this song before, but something Justin said in his preach earlier, from 2 Corinthians 2:17, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, There is freedom”, brought this song straight into mind.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is There is freedom Where the Spirit of the Lord is There is hope Where the Spirit of the Lord is There is healing Your blood is enough To break every chain Your blood is enough To break every chain (Deliverer by Vicky Beeching)
