Tag Archives: Evans Blue

On The Fringes

I’ve come to realise that pretty much all my life I have been on the fringes of things, involved, but never really getting too deeply involved.  Not in such that I never give my all, far from it, more such that I can’t really say that I fit into one group or another, I just do what I do, if possible to the best of my ability and then when it’s over, most of the time I just go my separate way and back to my own little world.

When I was young I would say that I had lots of friends, but as I was one who was pretty happy with my own company, I never really hung with one group or the other, I was accepted by most, but never really part of any solid group.  My parents used to say that I was an easy child to bring up, I was happy on my own, I was quiet and most of the time they would forget I was there, unlike my sister, who was loud, lively and never stuck at one thing or another, she would get bored quickly and try something else.

I stuck at karate through the years, even though friends I made there came and went.  From the age of around nine I was training four or five times a week.  The few nights I had free, I probably wouldn’t go out, so when my friends met after school, more often than not I was out training, they would discuss the next day what they got up to, sometimes it sounded like fun, at others not the sort of thing I would want to do anyway.  As I say they were friends and I was never excluded, I just chose not to hang with them, but to commit myself to something else.

In my working life, it’s only at my current job that I have worked as part of a larger team, previously I’ve worked in small companies, most of the time just me and the boss, then from time to time someone else would join, but they wouldn’t last long.  The only issue with working in a small company, you have to do everything, from general work, to baby sitting and even feeding donkeys, oh yes feeding donkeys!

You learn to put up with the fact the boss has had an argument at home and will take everything out on you, for that day you can do no right, you just get your head down and get on with it, there’s no one else to complain to, I learnt to nod in the right places, take my dressing down, work that bit harder through the day and then later in the day, when they come with what is an explanation for their actions, you take it as an apology even though they never actually said sorry, but they had realised they had overstepped the mark.  As I say I learnt to take it in my stride and focus on the job, once I committed to a job, I would stay with it until the job was no longer there, many came and went, they couldn’t take that commitment to the job, to do it whatever.

But even now at work, I don’t really feel I fit in with the small groups of people that form in these places.  I guess I’m not really used to it, I’ve pretty much always worked in my own way on my own, I have no problem working as a team and getting the job done, I just don’t get into the tight groups that form, I go to work, do my job and then go home, that’s it, that’s just me.

Even with karate I sat on the fringes of things.  Since the age of fifteen, I’ve been the instructor at my club, firstly as an assistant, but mostly as the main instructor.  At first it alienated me from the friends that were my peers at the time, they were all the same grade, although they hadn’t been training quite as long, some were more successful than I was, but I was chosen as one of two to succeed my instructor when he emigrated to Australia, friendships became distant until they eventually left the club for various reasons.  For that reason although I formed friendships in the club, being the instructor and defacto leader, it was a little different to the normal friendships.  I easily became social worker to some of them, trying my best to sort out their lives, all the time whilst mine was collapsing around me, I put on a brave face through my addiction, never let anyone see it or understand it, acted like the tough guy leader they expected from a karate instructor, meanwhile back at home everything was in a deep state of turmoil.  When I stopped being that person to sort my own life out, these so called friends disappeared.

When I was drinking, the majority of it was done alone, I would bring the drink into the house and drink myself to sleep, it was the only way I could sleep.  I would drink with a few of the guys from karate, but as I said, the friendships were on a slightly different level, but mostly I was quite happy to be alone in the house, even with the family around me, I was alone, doing my thing on my own path to self destruction.

Since I’ve been in Church, things have changed a lot, I have made lots of supportive friends, my connect group is amazing, they have been there for me so many times, but yet I still find that I tend to find myself alone in a crowded room.  Not that people avoid me, no, it’s me, It’s the way I am, I gravitate towards my own company and I seem to be happy like that.

Today I just didn’t feel like being around anyone, I was happy to do my tasks, be involved in our team’s duties for the morning, get set-up, do our jobs and pack away, but as soon as that was done, I just wanted to get out.  I had a great morning at Church, don’t get me wrong, the services were great, the messages were great, the worship was awesome, but I wanted to be alone, I didn’t really want to talk with anyone, mainly because I couldn’t quite put my finger one what was wrong at the time, I felt I needed time and space to work that out.

When I came home I wrote When I … You Are, I had a line for that poem which I had been mulling over when it was going through my head at Church, when I got home I forgot about it, until I started writing this, the line was….

When I feel invisible
You Are the only one that sees me

It has meaning to me, it reflects something that cuts into me a lot, something that hurts and it’s not to do with any friends from Church, it’s closer than that.  In the past it’s broke me into to tears and put me on the edge of depression.  It did happen again this morning, at first I brushed it off, but when I thought about this line, it came flooding back, maybe from that point it was when I wanted to be alone, away from the world, so they didn’t see that pain, I don’t know, I just know it’s not easy to deal with and not easy to actually fully explain what it is on this Blog, except to say it’s hurts when it happens.

Maybe I am destined to go through life on the fringes of things, it seems it’s the way I’ve been made, the fact is I’m happy being involved and I’m happy being me, it’s who I am.

WHO WE ARE by EVANS BLUE
I lie awake to the sound of it all
Will it ever reach me
As I wander around this hole
Will the burden break me

Have the words been made to take the pain
When the truth cannot be safe
Can the truth remain when everything, everything’s okay
And now the world surrounds us
Will we ever live

Now here we are, going down, down, down
Will we turn this around or fall apart
Now here we are, looking down, down, down
We can turn this around; it’s who we are

So I try, break habit, and fall
The walls consume me
Rely on having it all
And it all goes through me

Have the words been made to take the pain
When truth cannot be safe
Can the truth remain when everything, everything’s okay
And now the world surrounds us
Will we ever live

Now here we are, going down, down, down
Will we turn this around or fall apart
Now here we are, looking down, down, down
We can turn this around; it’s who we are

And all you are
You cannot fall
You move the world
You have it all
You cannot fall
You cannot fall

And now here we are, going down, down, down
We can turn this around; it’s who we are

Now here we are, going down, down, down
Will we turn this around or fall apart
Now here we are, looking down, down, down
We can turn this around; it’s who we are

Poetry Dump & Prayer Visions

I know that’s not a particularly polite title, but it’s the one I kept coming back too, I tried for something different, but I just returned to “Poetry Dump”, I added the Prayer Vision after I decided to share something I would normally hide!

Yesterday the exhaustion of last week and the lack of sleep at the weekend, after receiving the news of my Nanna’s passing, well it caught up with me and took a big swipe at me.  During the morning, whilst at work, my energy just disappeared, I was spent,  I ached and felt I just had to get out of there.  My Boss gave me the rest of the week off and I return home, a quick salad for dinner and then much needed sleep!!!!

On awaking I picked up my phone and instantly went for the notepad feature, I don’t know why?  I often prepare early drafts of posts or poems on my phone, just as I am now whilst in the bath (sorry if you are now suffering from disturbing visions!), but on there I found a number of poems drafted between mid February and March this year.  I honestly don’t remember writing two of these and vaguely remember writing the third one, which was incidentally the oldest of the three.

I’m not sure without reading my journals from the days they were written where my head was, why or what inspired me to write them, either good or bad, I just don’t know why I wrote them and then abandoned them.

Quite often I don’t connect with the poems I’m trying to write, so I just leave them, if it doesn’t for the most part write itself, it’s not for writing!  Sometimes I return to them and find the words needed to complete them, but these were fairly complete, I added on a verse to “Because You Promise”, the last verse just to finish it, I rearranged or edited the other two, albeit only minor changes, then uploaded them one by one, in other words instead of leaving them abandoned for no one to see, I dumped them on my blog.

Some of my poetry, as I have said before, I don’t really like or connect with, when reading them back I just can’t reconnect with where I was at the time I wrote it.  Others grow on me, especially when my faithful followers find something within the words I fail to see myself, others I love from the beginning, they maybe don’t get the responses some of my other work does, but I feel those words every time I read them back.

I have written a number of poems that haven’t appeared on here, personal words of thank you to friends who have been there for me on my journey over this last year, they are personal and directly written for the recipient, it is theirs now to do with what they wish.

There is one other that remains complete in my rough note book of poems, read only by me, but not for me, for Victoria, will I ever find the courage to pass it on to it’s intended owner, who knows? Maybe?

I prayed for us again last night, I saw a vision of her upside down, I asked God what that meant, why was she upside down, after a brief pause, the image of rotated around slowly until she was upright again.

If I’ve read this vision correctly, I see her world as being upside right now, messed up somewhat, but to wait and God will turn it around, He will stand her back up the right way again, I just have to endure and be patient, hold on to his promise.

I very often write something like this, then erase it, but not today, I’m going to share it with you all.

And all you are you cannot fall
You move the world, you have it  all
You cannot fall, you cannot  fall
Now here we are, going  down, down, down
We can turn this around, it’s who we are
And now  here we are, going down, down, down
Will  we turn this around or fall apart?
And  now here we are, looking down, down, down
We  can turn this around, it’s who we are?
(Who We Are by Evans Blue)