Change Is Coming

As the darkness of Sunday 18th March 2012 passed by, Monday morning came with a sense of hope, I knew I had something important to do, something that would change my life, the barrier now was fear and courage.

I had the day off work, there were a few things I had to do later in the day, but the most important thing, the most immediate thing, before anything else was to make a phone call to Gareth.

Everyone had left the house, Victoria had taken the kids to school and then gone straight to work, I was alone and I was shaking with fear.

I sat at the top of the stairs with my phone in my hand, the number ready to dial, now I had to fight the fear and find the courage within to call it.

I had decided the time to call would be around 9.10, time to get in the office, but not enough time to get busy with anything, that’s what I hoped anyway, now I just had to fight my shaking hands and press call.

An inner battle was raging, my soul knew it needed this phone call, if I was going to climb out of this pit I had created for myself, then this phone call was the beginning. Yet the monster of addiction that dwelt within wasn’t letting go that easily, it knew this call would change everything.

For a moment the monster was winning, I just wanted to put the phone down, turn away and carry on down this spiral.

But from somewhere I found the strength to call, I was shaking all over by now, I was so afraid of what was to come.

Gareth answered and I tried to explain who I was. I had met Gareth a number of times, only a year before we watched football together with other members of his church in my front room, but essentially he knew me as Victoria’s partner.

I tried to say hi, it’s Wayne, Victoria’s partner, I got half way through it and broke down into tears. I wasn’t that person anymore, that was over, even I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Thankfully, Gareth seemed to understand and knew who I was, he asked how I was doing, I managed to say not very well and broke down into tears again, I was really a mess and he seemed to appreciate that.

Somehow I managed to be coherent enough to arrange to meet with him later that evening, he was going to come over to see me and chat, from that moment things changed.

From there I jumped in the shower, then went into town, I hadn’t really looked after myself in a long time, I didn’t shave anymore, I didn’t do anything with my hair, my clothes were becoming rags, drenched with the smell of stale sweat and alcohol.

Now was the time to start looking after myself.

I can’t be anything to anyone, if I’m not something to myself.

That night I was so nervous, so afraid, I was still shaking. Victoria was going out, she knew about the meeting, she had checked with Gareth that I had called, she knew it was important too.

She came to me before she went out and asked a question that shocked me, it shouldn’t have done, she asked this every time she went out at night, she only asked if I needed to go to the shop before she went out, which in essence was asking if I needed to go buy alcohol, this surprised me more than anything. How could I think of drinking this night, there was no way, once more though this is how far I had fallen, this had become then norm, she knew it and had seen many times, but I hadn’t seen it.

Gareth was also bringing with him Alex, who I knew, I knew his family had suffered through alcoholism in the past, so I watched anxiously at the window for them to arrive, shaking.

Victoria asked how I was, I said I was scared, to which she asked why, I knew them both, there was no need to fear them.

But it wasn’t them, I was afraid of myself, afraid of truth of who I was would be coming out tonight, that’s what I feared, myself above all.

They arrived and at first I felt okay, Gareth stated that he hadn’t come to preach, but to talk to me to find out what I needed to turn things around, this made me feel a little more comfortable, for a while anyway.

He than asked what had been happening, that’s when it got hard. I tried to explain how things had gone over the previous two and half years, but it’s hard to speak between all the tears that were falling.

I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I did that night, I was a real mess. I could hardly get a statement out with crying at some point.

Each time I broken down I could seen the pain reflected in Gareth’s face, it was hard going for us all, but I was trying to tell the full truth, but in all honesty I didn’t know the truth myself. I tried to say how much I had been drinking, I told him what I believed was the truth, only over the coming weeks I realised it far worse than I knew.

They were with me for over an hour and half, I spent at least half of that time tears. But after that I felt a sense of peace had come over myself. I knew the start of the healing process had begun, I could feel that.

From that night I never drank in the house again, I didn’t stop drinking over night, but I started to gain control over it.

I didn’t know at the time where that strength had come from, but it started that night, it started really after I pressed the button to make that call.

TOMORROW by SIXX A.M.
Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
‘Cause nothing’s gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They’re gone in the blink of an eye

Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can’t hide the scars
Just look at yourself ’cause there’s nowhere to go
And you know

Tomorrow
You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow…
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You’re running out of places to hide
‘Cause everybody’s got a reason
To justify how they’re feelin’
Maybe you should open your eyes

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, ’cause there’s nowhere to go
And you’ll know

Tomorrow
You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow…
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing’s gonna stand in your way…

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?

Tomorrow
You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow…
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Verse of the Day – 2 Thessalonians 1:3

2 Thessalonians 1:3

I thank God for every person of faith who has stood beside me, encouraged me, prayed for me, prayed with me, laughed with me, cried with me and believed in me, without these people that the Father brought into my life, I would not have made it this far.

I thank you all and most I thank you God.

EVEN ME by I AM THEY
He knows my thoughts
The things that no one sees
He knows my heart
It’s every broken piece
Somehow still I’m held by this one thing
And somehow still I’m held by this one thing

Yes, Jesus loves me
Even me, even me
I stand forgiven and free
Even me, even me

He knows my past
The choices I have made
When I have wandered
When I pushed away
Somehow still I’m held by this one thing
Somehow still I’m held by this one thing

Yes, Jesus loves me
Even me, even me
I stand forgiven and free
Even me, even me
Even me, yes even me

Nothing could ever stop this love
Nothing could ever take it away
My life was lost, His life He gave
Even to the grave, even to the grave
Even to the grave

Yes, Jesus loves me
Even me, even me
I stand forgiven and free
Even me, he loves even me

Yes, Jesus loves me
Even me, even me
I stand forgiven and free
Even me, he loves even me
Even me, he loves even me
Even me, even me

 

Leaving The Past Behind

Sometimes we have to put aside that which holds us down, that which keeps us trapped, that which is the destroyer of our souls.

Five years ago life was changing rapidly, I was now finding a way through that I had never dreamed off, only a week before I was torn between life and death, between holding on and simply giving up on life and everything that goes with it.

But that voice, the voice I later found to be God’s stopped me in my tracks, made me see I had some worth to someone, even if I had none to myself. From that moment chains were snapping, things were changing, a mind set for despair began to see life. That morning after I made a phone call that changed everything for good, last week I described how that single call to my Pastor tore the veil that was shrouding me, the world began to see my pain and more importantly I began to see God.

Two nights later, I prayed for the first time. It had been a long hard day at work, after a nine and half hour shift, I went straight to the architects to do what I thought would only be about an hours work, then home. But they had more work for me than I anticipated and the more I rushed, the more mistakes and the longer it took, I was getting stressed, I had not had much more than three hours sleep over the preceding two nights and I wanted to go home and have a drink, the desperation was returning. I remember thinking to myself it would be fine, on the way home pick up two bottles of wine, drink them both and relax!

After about two hours I finally left, it was gone 7.30pm, over twelve hours since I left home that morning for work, I was tired, irritable and desperate.

I went home, had something to eat, watched some TV and then decided I was bored, so time for bed.

What I didn’t realise was that was almost 11.30pm, but not only that I hadn’t had a drink, I hadn’t stopped off at the shop in the way home, I had gone straight home and what’s more, I don’t remember any of the anguish or desperation that had been there in the preceding weeks. At no point had I paced the house, scratching at the skin on my arms, whilst I tried to resist a drink, there was none of that, but a sense of peace was there.

I turned everything off, laid down, closed my eyes and prayed, I thanked God for that strength to get through without drinking and I asked for the strength to get through each day like that, then I closed my eyes and slept.

Having not really being able to sleep at anytime without a drink over the last few years, in particular the previous two nights, when I woke with my alarm, I realised I had just experienced the most peaceful sleep of my whole life, at that moment I cried as I realised God had heard and answered my prayer, He had brought a peace that is hard to describe, other that absolutely amazing.

By the time Sunday came around, I had only had six pints since the previous weekend, a fraction of what I drank on the previous Sunday and since my phone call, I had brought nothing into my house and had drunk nothing in my house either.

From the previous weekend there was about a third of a bottle of wine left, I had placed it on the top of the fridge. All week I had walked past that bottle, but eventually I began to speak out to it, I told this bottle that it couldn’t have me, it had no power over me, I had a plan for it and as Sunday came around, it was time to action that plan. It was time to say goodbye to some of my past.

I didn’t feel I was ready for Church yet, although I knew that was to be my destiny, but I knew certain things had to be dealt with before I could walk into Church. So I set off into town, I needed the largest plastic container that I could find, yet still carry home.

I brought the container home and began to fill it. Firstly I took all my bedding and put it at the bottom of the box, it all stank of the alcohol I had spilt on it over the years, I had become quite good at falling asleep with an open bottle of wine in my hand, eventually I didn’t spill much, I would wake in the morning with this open bottle, drink the rest and then go to work, that was who I had become, so the smell of sweat and alcohol mixed had to go, I had purchased new bedding, so this was to go.

On top of that I placed the clothes I had been sleeping in, just a tatty tracksuit, a couple of t-shirts and all my worn out underwear and socks, these were the clothes I would lounge about the house in and drink in, like my bedding they had that stale smell of sweat and alcohol mixed, they had to go too. On top of those I added my watch, the fabric strap had the same smell, that had to go with the rest of it.

Then with the box almost full there was one thing left to go in, the last bottle of wine that I had ever purchased, is was only a third full, but it wasn’t going to be drank, this was the plan I had for it all week, to be put in this box and put it away with the rest of my past. I placed it carefully on top of everything else and closed the box. On the box in marker pen, I wrote the date and “This Is Where The Healing Begins”. Then I took the box down into the cellar and placed it with all the other forgotten rubbish we had collected over the years.

The box remains there, five years on.

The Forgotten Box

I honestly don’t remember what prompted me to do this, I cannot remember that actual point that I came up with the idea, it just became a plan that I thought of and put into action. In a way I had to make a symbolic gesture of packing away a part of my life that I didn’t need or want anymore, to make a positive action to say goodbye to the part of me that would lounge around the house drinking, the new me was rising and there was no space in my life anymore for this version of me,it had to be packed away.

I do recall reading a story of a girl in America who gave away a razor blade that she had used to cut herself with to the band Tenth Avenue North, one of their songs had inspired her to quit self harming, so when she met the band she made that gesture, maybe this was what inspired me, I can’t honestly remember, but I knew it was something I had to do.

Four days later, 29th March 2012, I took my last drink, the next morning I woke free, knowing I had made the choice to never drink again, I knew I had the strength now to resist and that I would never have to wake feeling fuzzy ever again, then just a few days later I would walk into the Everyday Champions Church and knew I had found my home.

God had lead me home!

BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY ft LACEY STURM
Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn’t looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I’ve never known
That I’ve never felt before

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
In my life

Tearing The Veil

It’s still hard to believe that five years ago this very day something happened that changed everything, that changed my life forever, it was the difference between death and life itself, without that moment in time this could all be so different and I really do not believe I would be writing this, I am convinced my life would have ended soon after.

The 19th March 2012 was the turning point of life, where what had gone before was ending and something new sprang forth. The day before I was on the edge of myself, staring into a mirror questioning my own life’s validity, I was convinced it had none,not until a voice silenced the screams and told me my children needed me, now I had resolved to make a change.

I now had the number for Gareth, the Pastor at Victoria’s church, I had met him a number of times, I had just a year before spent the afternoon in my own living room watching football with him and other people from his church, now I knew I had to speak with someone and I knew it had to be him.

Victoria had taken the kids to school and I was alone in the house. I remember sitting there that morning on the top step of my stairs with my phone in my hand, Gareth’s number at the ready, but in a state of turmoil, part of me knew I had to make that call, I needed to start living, but the other part of me, the addicted part, just couldn’t let go of it’s hold and sought to keep hiding.

I sat there for over 20 minutes, I had set a time in my head of 9.10am to call, just enough time to get into the office and at his desk, but not quite enough time to be busy with anything.
It took all I had to press the call button, I had to force myself, I was still in turmoil. I had created this veil for myself, one which I could hide behind, hiding my true self from the world and a veil which stopped me from seeing God, part of me desperately wanted to stay hidden.

Thankfully Gareth answered and I tried to explain who I was, he knew me as Victoria’s partner, I tried to tell him that, but then I realised I didn’t know who I was anymore, I wasn’t her partner anymore, that was over, so who was I? At that point I just broke down into tears, I could say no more than it’s Wayne, Vict…. Thankfully he realised who it was, Victoria had warned him I may call, so he asked how I was and managed to say something like not very good before breaking down once again. Every time he spoke to me I managed a few words before crying once again. But the long and short of it was, he realised I needed help and agreed to come to see me that evening, he said he would confirm it with me later, but we were set for that evening at 7.30pm.

That night Gareth came over with Alex, I had known Alex and his family for some time, so I was okay with that. When he came in he made it clear he wasn’t there to preach to me or to try to convert me there and then, but to speak with me and find out what help it was I needed and how it could be found. He asked questions about my drinking and the situation at home, I tried my best to answer them all honestly, between outbreaks of tears, I cried so much that night. But when they had left I felt so much better, much more at peace. I didn’t drink that night, for the first time in so long I got by without alcohol and I can’t actually remember wanting or needing a drink either.

Although that meeting is a major moment in my life, a real big part of what was a big turning point in my life, but now when I look back at it five years later, I realised the most important moment happened that morning.

Things could have been so different had Gareth had been like me. When my phone rings, if I don’t recognise the number, I do not answer it, I guess you get so many cold calls, you tend to vet them, so my attitude is leave a message and when I get time I will respond to it then. I know many people who do the same thing, I think many of us, unless we use our phones for business, probably do the same thing. But thankfully Gareth didn’t, he sacrificed his time to take the call.

In truth things began to change as soon as I ended that call. I hadn’t really been looking after myself, I was a mess, I hadn’t shaved for weeks, I didn’t really do anything with my hair, I was wearing worn clothes, socks full of holes and torn underwear. So when I put that phone down, I cleaned myself up and headed off into town to replace my worn attire, I began the process of looking after myself.

After all, you can’t be anything to anyone, if you’re not something to yourself.

But from that moment also, the fight against the grip of my alcohol addiction began, from that day onwards I never brought anymore alcohol into the house or consumed any within these walls, note I was still drinking at the pub, but far less and I had an element of control and was even losing the taste for it, until ten days later when I took that last drink.

We know that the ultimate sacrifice was Christ giving His life for us upon the cross,
at that moment the veil was torn so we could all see God.

When Gareth made that small sacrifice by giving up his time to answer my call, my veil was torn too, I let the world in and from that moment I began to see God, only two days later I would  pray for the first time and experience a peace I had never felt before.

Everything changed because of that phone call, had it not been answered, would I have had the courage to leave a message? I don’t think I would have, I think I would have bottled it that day, would Gareth have called back anyway? To be fair he probably would, but the impact and the moment may have been lost and the effect not as great as it was.

I truly believe that I was on a spiral to my own death, maybe the day before I wasn’t able to take my own life, but my health was a mess, my blood pressure was sky high, I have chronic high blood pressure anyway and without medication it rises to dangerous levels, but at that point I was on medication and it was still through the roof, almost as high as when I first went on the tablets, so I’m convinced I would probably have suffered a heart attack by the end of the year, had things not changed. Not only that, but I believe the episode of the day before would have repeated itself until the screams in my head had their way, that day wasn’t the first time I had considered taking my own life, but it was the last. So had I not made that call and had Gareth not answered, the consequences would be so different.

I got to share this in Church this morning, almost precisely five years to the moment that I made the call, I’m so grateful for getting that chance. My point was that so many people have their own personal veils, which stop them from seeing God and getting help, so what small sacrifices can we make that will tear the veil for someone?

BETTER LOVE by GREEN RIVER ORDINANCE
Faith is not an idle grace
Guide my fears and lead my way
Darkest heart that You have saved
I can’t find a better love

When I set out for ruined lands
Shadows heavy where I stand
You took death and called me friend
I can’t find a better love

You take me as I am
Now I understand

The greatest gift to give a man
Is to give him grace to live again

Faith is not an idle grace
Guide my fears and lead my way
The darkest heart that You have saved
I can’t find a better love

You take me as I am
Now I understand

The greatest gift to give a man
Is to give him grace to live…

My wages of captivity and death,
it waited there for me
You took me in and washed me clean
And gave me words and songs to sing

You take me as I am
Now I understand

You take me as I am
Now I understand

The greatest gift to give a man
Is to give him grace to live again

The greatest gift to give a man
Is to give him grace to live again

Verse of the Day – Proverbs 17:17

Proverbs 17:17

A year before I found God and through Him sobriety, He sent a number of people to come and sit with me one afternoon.  I sat there a none Christian in a room full of people from Church, most of them I had never met before, but during that afternoon we became friends.  Then one year later these very same people were the ones who were there when I needed the support to sort my life out, they led me to God, just as He had led me to them.

THE KINGDOM by STARFIELD
Oh Oh Oh
We have come to testify
Oh Oh Oh
Our God is surely Great
Oh Oh Oh
His love is like a river wide
So let everyone beneath His skies
Lift their voice and sing

For the Kingdom of our God
Carries on
Carries on
Carries on

Oh Oh Oh
His kingdom is inside of you
Oh Oh Oh
It’s everywhere you are
Oh Oh Oh
Celebrate your life made new
Come on let His freedom bloom
Lift your voice and sing

For the Kingdom of our God
Carries on
Carries on
Carries on

Everybody sing Hallelujah

 

Through Darkness to 250 Weeks Sober

If you have following my series of poems and verse of the day posts since the beginning of December, you may recall reading about my struggles during early December.  I didn’t elaborate on the issues back then, just wrote in my poems my deepest fears, my prayers and my pain.  In a way I have had to work through the issues before I could really write objectively about that period of my life and the changes that have happened.

If you have followed me for some time, you will know that a number of years ago I began to struggle in life, no work, no money and very little opportunity to get out of the situation.  Although even at that point I enjoyed a drink, I began to rely on drinking to get through, to the point I put drinking before paying bills and looking after my partner and our two kids, I was a mess.  That was until March 2012, when I began to realise that Victoria and I had severely drifted apart, I tried to put things right, to say I was sorry, but it was too late, it was unrepairable.

I went into a spiral of just drinking for a week, I realised I had no control over it anymore, it had control of me, I was trapped.  On 18^th March 2012, I seriously considered taking my own life, I felt I was a burden on those around me and everyone would be better off without me around.  But I couldn’t do it, through all the thoughts of hopelessness I heard a voice, it told me “it is better that you kids live with you as you are now, rather than the memory of what they will find”.  I couldn’t do it after that, I realised my kids would be the ones who found my lifeless body and I couldn’t do that to them.

The next day I met with my now Pastor, I was reaching out for help, I wasn’t a Christian at that point, I had no real concept of God, He didn’t exist to me, but after meeting with Gareth, things began to change.  A few nights later I began praying for help and finally on Thursday 29^th March 2012 I took my last drink and vowed never to drink again, three days later I walked into Church and found my home.

These past few years have had their ups and downs, but I’ve made it through sober all the way.  But I make no secret that I have prayed over and over again for the restoration of my relationship with Victoria, I have prayed and prayed for it.  We still lived in the same house with the kids, but in different rooms, we lived different lives, but made it work, in a way.  It was hard seeing her every day, but not being able to change anything, but I kept praying.

Earlier last year, she informed me that she would be looking to move out within a year, then later in the year she said her friends were doing up a house they had brought and when it was done she would be renting that from them.  In November she confirmed the date for her and the kids to move out would be the 10^th December.

I did everything I could not to think about it, I believed it would never happening, I had been praying over this for years and there was no way this was going to happen, God would come through, wouldn’t He?

I didn’t tell anyone what was happening, I kept it hidden, until the weekend before, when a friend asked about the situation at Church, then I broke down, the reality that this could happen was sinking in.

On Saturday 10^th December I went to work as usual, when I came home they were taking the last load of furniture and things, I was broken, the kids had already gone, I went into the bathroom and just cried, I could hear Victoria calling to me, but I just sat there on the bathroom floor crying with my head in my hands, then the house was quiet.

The place was a mess, I was a mess.  That afternoon I went to teach at Karate, I managed to get through that, it took my mind off things, then went to a friend’s from our Connect group to watch the boxing, again my mind was kept occupied.

It was the next day when the deepest pain come to the fore.  I was supposed to be going to a karate course down south, a few of my students were grading for their black belts, I was really needed to go with them, but I couldn’t face it, so I cancelled my lift and decided I needed to be in Church.

I was okay at home that morning, then I set off for Church, I was on team, so I always get there early, usually one of the first.  As I walked to Church I began to feel more emotional, like I was just ready to burst.  When I got there, a few people were milling around, I said hello and got on with my set up.  Then one of the guys asked how I really was, they knew what was going on, this time I couldn’t hide or hold it in anymore, I just broke down into tears.  I spent almost all the morning in tears, it all came out, I just cried and cried, every time someone spoke to me or asked how I was I broke down again, I cried on so many shoulders.  On this journey I have cried so many times, over so many things, but not like this and not in so public a way, so many people came past, people I didn’t even know, but they all reached out with a hand upon my shoulder, a gesture, but a welcome one.

That was the worst day.  From then I had to question my faith.  Over the next few days I had to work out what I was going to do from there.  I had prayed for our situation so many times, I believed I had God’s promise that we would be restored, the ruins would be rebuilt, now it seemed all was at an end, where did that leave me and how do I feel about it?

Though I didn’t cry much after that Sunday, it was still a dark place.  I have always struggled up to Christmas, it’s not a great time for alcoholics, drinking and partying is everywhere and you see all these families having a great time, all I can do is dream of having what they have.  So now it felt darker and the fears of slipping back into old ways was closer to the surface than ever.

I was in a place where my faith was severely tested, if God’s promise was for restoration, what is this place I find myself, how could I get this so wrong, did God lie to me, does He really exist or do I really believe?  But the only way through this was the thought that I had been to even darker places, I had been to the edge of life, but each time God had led me out, if He had done this for me before, then He would do it again, no matter how dark the situation.

Once I placed my trust in this belief, that God has my back, no matter what, then I began to pull through.  The emptiness of the house, the mess I was living in was nothing, just temporary, get through these next few days, get to Christmas, make it through New Year and everything would be fine.

A few months ago, I had one of those despair moments whilst walking to work, crying out for restoration, but as I walked God clearly said:

“Trust me, the seven year drought will soon be over, then prosperity will come”

I believed the drought was our relationship, but now I believe it is me, I was the drought, I was dry and barren within, He has repeatedly called out to me to trust Him, I have prayed for my desires, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I was also getting hung up on it, setting my life on it happening, letting it define me, that I believe was the drought.

As Christmas came closer, I began to sort the house out, so I had at least something comfortable when the kids came over.  Money fell into place at the right time, I got paid for all my extra work the week before Christmas, I could get the kids presents and get things for the house.

I have to say this, I have just got through Christmas over the last few years, not really enjoyed them, just been glad to get through them unscathed.  But this time around, I loved Christmas, it was the best Christmas I have had in a long while, for at least seven years anyway.  I haven’t felt so happy or optimistic in many a year.  As New Year came, my Connect Group friends came through with beds and other furniture for me and the kids.  Apart from items in the kitchen and one sofa, Victoria took everything else, which was fine, they needed it more than I did, I would rather the kids be comfortable and have everything they needed than myself.

My parents helped with many things too, they are going to help me decorate the bedrooms for the kids, they are retired and have the time in the day.  I am gradually getting the house how I want it, I am becoming domesticated too, I worked out the washing machine, the oven, all that sort of stuff.  I don’t leave pots on the side any more, I wash them straight away, in fact I am a little worried about how tidy I am becoming, this is not my natural self.

In this moment I am happier than I have been in such a long time.  I am more enthusiastic for my future than ever and fully content with where I am at the moment, today is even more special, as;

I AM 250 WEEKS SOBER TODAY, 1750 SOBERDAYS!!!!!!!

This could have gone so wrong over Christmas, but it didn’t, once again God led me out and now I place my trust in Him fully, I put my faith in Him and face my future with optimism and hope.  I don’t know what prosperity looks like, but I can’t wait to find out.  I certainly feel the drought is over.

I could never have got through this without God, the amazing people of my Connect Group and Church have been immense, without them this would have been so much harder, they have kept me going when it would have been easier to give in, I haven’t and I am still here by the grace of God.

And I am staying here!

I want to add thank you for all of you who continue to read, like and comment on my writings, I know I don’t always respond, but I do appreciate everything.

I considered stopping writing at one point last year, I even thought about pulling down my blog, I have also had a few issues with an ex student targeting my on Facebook, with so very insulting and obscene comments about me, my family and my karate club, this is currently with the Police, although I don’t believe they can do much, it was something I could do without, I add that to get through it, I have not responded or retaliated in anyway on Facebook or anywhere else, I chose to pray for them, for their heart and their soul, I prayed that they may find God and find peace in their life, it made it easy to get through and get beyond.

I decided to continue with the series of poems into this year, I have written at least one poem everyday for two years now, I thought I would be all poemed out, but no I decided I would carry on for another year at least, so I have created a number of bible verse images to write about and will continue for the next year at least.

So this next year, only God know what’s in store, but I am so enthusiastic, so happy and so content!!!

DAYLIGHT by BRAVE SAINT SATURN
Did you hear the news today?
I’m not coming home, no
And I wished it all away
I felt so alone, yeah
And the darkness crept it’s way
Like stars we know will die too soon
There is never any sunrise here in the shadows of eclipsing moons
Crawling on a tightrope
The bravest thing I have is hope

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, tonight

Halogen, the lights will flicker
Incandescent burning lies
And the silence stands for nothing
Desperate I search the skies
Aching for a spark
Trembling in pitchest dark

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, tonight

Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?
We have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria

U.S.S. Gloria: Mission Control, this is the U.S.S. Gloria, do you read me?
Mayday, we have lost primary guidance functions

News Reporter: The crew is now out of radio contact.
Presently there is no way for us to know whether they
Are alive or dead.
Our hopes and prayers go out with you all.

Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?

U.S.S. Gloria: Houston this is the U.S.S. Gloria.
Good to hear your voice
We are coming out of the eclipse now.
I see the sunlight. it’s beautiful
The sunlight is beautiful.

Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness, You held me
Still held me
When desperate nights I cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone
Your words are life
Cut marrow through
The darkness, to the bone
A heart of flesh You gave me
Only You can save me

Savior
Daylight
I am coming home

A Better Place – 1 Peter 5:5-7

A Better Place – 1 Peter 5:5-7

I couldn’t do this by myself
No way I could get this far
God knows my heart
Far better than I know myself
While I tried to hide my woes
He opened up my heart
Before those I call my friends
Their wisdom brought me to a place
Where I could lay it before the Lord
All my anxiety wrapped up in their prayers
So now I find myself so much stronger
Thanks to the family He surrounds me with
His mighty hand has kept me from falling
And now I approach the New Year
A better person, in a better place

1 Peter 5:5-7

For Each Other – 1 Thessalonians 3:12

For Each Other – 1 Thessalonians 3:12

I was brought before His people
Drawn from a state of nothingness
He led me to a family
To oversee the rebuilding of my soul
With the love they held for the Lord
They placed it all upon my heart
As they watch me grow again
But now it seems I’ve fallen
Still these loving hearts are by my side
With the love He has bestowed them with
They shower me one more time
Without love for each other I would be lost
He has showed me how to love them all
Those who in the dark times are beside me
And lead me back to His unfailing love

1 Thessalonians 3:12

Verse of the Day – Isaiah 54:4

Isaiah 54:4

I shed so many tears in front of so many people on Sunday morning, it would be easy to feel so ashamed.  I wasn’t going to be in Church Sunday morning, but I cancelled my arrangements and went knowing that was the place I was meant to be.

I was meant to be there so I could cry, to remove the barriers that were holding back my emotions.

I was meant to be there so I could show my weakness in that moment, without feeling ashamed or disgraced.

I was meant to be there so I could find peace through the love of God and His people.

THE SUN IS RISING by BRITT NICOLE
When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning
And you don’t know if you’ll ever find the healing

You’re gonna make it
You’re gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you’re facing
If your heart is breaking
There’s a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

The sun is rising

Every high and every low you’re gonna go through
You don’t have to be afraid I am with you
In the moments you’re so weak you feel like stopping
Let the hope you have light the road you’re walking

You’re gonna make it
You’re gonna make it
The night can only last for so long

Whatever you’re facing
If your heart is breaking
There’s a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

Even when you can’t imagine how
How you’re ever gonna find your way out
Even when you’re drowning in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

Just look beyond the clouds

Whatever you’re facing
If your heart is breaking
There’s a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

The sun is rising

Even when you can’t imagine how
How you’re ever gonna find your way out
Even when you’re drowning in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

Children Of God – 1 John 3:10

Children Of God – 1 John 3:10

Today I have found
The true children of God
All those who placed an arm upon me
As my tears fell to the floor
They brought God’s word to comfort me
I’ve made it through by their love
For a brother who struggled this day
Tomorrow I’ll rise and surely know
That those friends are all children of God

1 John 3:10