Tag Archives: Excuses

Resisting Excuses

I had every excuse in the world available to me this morning and I chose none.  Did I ache this morning, tired muscles and few bruises, it reminds me of my old squad days when after three hours of hard training, then a 125mile trip home on a train sat on my bag on the floor next to the doors of a train.

A week ago I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep, awaiting a second alarm, this morning I got up, got changed and got out.

It was certainly an odd walk with a bit of a limp, but just as good as any walk I’ve done in a while, despite it being another mist filled, overcast morning, the sun did begin to break through eventually.

Breaking Through The Mist

Breaking Through The Mist

Morning Rays

Morning Rays

Swimming In Gold

Swimming In Gold

Shining Through

Shining Through

Reflective Glow

Reflective Glow

I actually started this post about 2½ hours ago, but I fell asleep, regardless I feel alive again.

ALIVE by POCKET FULL OF ROCKS
There was a time I was dead inside. 
You’d call my name and I’d try to hide. 
My heart was dark and so full of shame, 
Full of shame. 
But like the dawning of a brand new day 
Your love has chased my shame away. 
How amazing, now to hear You singing over me! 
Over me! 

Loudly, I sing 
Loudly, I live 
Giving You all I have to give, 
Until the world knows the Love that’s made me so alive 
I’m alive, I’m alive! 

Well, every day I find Your mercy new. 
And every moment that I spend with You 
I am overwhelmed by Grace I can’t keep to myself! 
To myself! 

Loudly, I sing 
Loudly, I live 
Giving You all I have to give, 
Until the world knows the Love that’s made me so alive 
I’m alive, I’m alive! 

Loudly, I sing 
Loudly, I live 
Giving You all I have to give, 
Until the world knows the Love that’s made me so alive 
I’m alive, I’m alive! 

Out of my sorrow, out of my night, 
You called me into Glorious Light. 
Where all of the lost, lonely and broken 
Find Your Light. 
Shine Your Light. 

Loudly, I sing 
Loudly, I live 
Giving You all I have to give, 
Until the world knows the Love that’s made me so alive 
I’m alive 

Loudly, I sing 
Loudly, I live 
Giving You all I have to give, 
Until the world knows the Love that’s made me so alive 
I’m alive, I’m alive! Yeah, 
I’m alive, I’m alive, yeah!

Excuses

Okay, so while I’m being honest, there is one thing I’ve been avoiding for a while, partially because I’ve been so busy and partly because I’ve just been avoiding it.

It something I know I can’t keep leaving, even if I’ve been so busy I can’t just put it aside, I’ve done that before and it doesn’t help at all.

One of my earlier posts “My Broken Heart” detailed my health problems that predated my drinking and certainly weren’t helped by it.  I have suffered from my late teens with an hereditary high blood pressure problem, as a teenager I was told it was high than normal, but following a chest problem in early 2000, a check up showed that my blood pressure was extremely high, somewhere around  180 over 118, after many check ups over the following weeks and months, then an ECG that highlighted a heart strain, the Doctor referred me to a Heart Specialist, I was 26, i remember the Doctor saying, if I was 56 this would be fairly normal and he would simply treat it, but as I was 26 and there was no obvious course (I wasn’t drinking heavy then, at that point I was a casual drinker), I was devastated.

But the Specialist could shed no further light on it, I came do simply to a generic issue in my family I had to live with, the experimented with different medications until a combination of tablets brought it back down to a high normal average and he referred back to my Doctor.  Since then at least once a year I have to go back for a series of tests, I’m actually supposed to go back every six months, but in reality I go once a year.

Over the years as my drinking slowly increased, I lied about how much I was drinking, I never told the truth, I would tell them something just very slightly over the considered normal amounts for an adult to drink, but never the real amount.

When I quit drinking last year, I had been on my tablets, I had hardly missed a day in months, but my blood pressure was sky high again, almost back to those recordings of twelve years earlier, on top of that my liver results were abnormal as well.  I spent three months go backwards and forwards to the Doctors every few weeks for different tests.  Over those months my blood pressure came back down to a high normal and my liver results righted themselves.  So over a year ago I was told to come back in six months, I didn’t, I got a letter a few months ago requesting I attend, I haven’t.  Then over a month ago my tablets ran out and without seeing the Doctor my prescription can’t be renewed.  My pharmacists are quite good, they will issue me tablets until I can get a renewal, but I’ve not had chance to go and request that.  So for the best part of months I’ve not taken my Blood Pressure medication and having checked it myself, it is rising again.

One problem is my Doctor’s have a very restrictive booking system, getting an appointment is not easy, having been so busy at work I’ve just not been able to a) find time to make a call, if you not on the phone to them as soon as they open you’ve no chance and that’s our busiest time at work, and b) you can only book for that day or exactly a week in advance, most of the days bookings are gone anyway and getting time off the same day is not easy either. So I’ve just left it, but I know I need to do something about it and soon.

I guess I’m posting this so I actually then have to do something about it, again if I hide it, I could go on without anyone else knowing, until it’s too late, so in a way I’m issuing myself a challenge here.

EXCUSES by DEAS VAIL
Bring yourself and no one else
You come alone or don’t come at all
This is your chance to believe in
Something more than walls and ceilings
Your saving face to be on your way

Come on, come on,
don’t wait until the damage is done
It’s gone when it’s gone—
Don’t you want to know
What we could become?
On and on we run and we run from life
It’s time we chased the smoke of our guns
and made this right

Save yourself, now don’t be scared
I’ll do my part and be right there
I will probably come out running,
With exploding buildings right behind me.

Come on, come on,
don’t wait until the damage is done
It’s gone when it’s gone—
Don’t you want to know
What we could become?
On and on we run and we run from life
It’s time we chased the smoke of our guns
and made this right