Fear In The Heart – Psalm 56:3-4
Fear in the heart
Seeking the soul
It’s grip tight
Taking hold
Little I have left
Little within
But to trust in God
Put it all onto Him
And watch it fall
See it all disappear
Free to believe
I can be myself
Once again
Always Here – Deuteronomy 31:8
Even in the darkest place
The lord is ever beside me
In the place where I fear to go
The Lord says He will go with me
In the moment I feel so alone
The Lord’s voice I hear calling
When I feel my strength has failed
The Lord, He will never forsake me
So if I have these moments
Yet the Lord I know is always here
Then what is there to discourage me
For in the Lord I have no fear
Deuteronomy 31:8
The Light – John 8:12
The Light came
And fear left me
Slipped back to the shadows
As I face the Light
The Light of the world
Darkness has no dominion
Try as it may
For I’ll ever face
The Light of the world
John 8:12
Fear And Shadows – Proverbs 12:25
Weighed down by the lack of hope
Set in shadow by the fear
As anxiety holds to these bones
A heart and mind can’t break free
Oh who can bring this soul some light
Who could lift this weight
Maybe I just need a kind word
Just one to set this soul alight
Proverbs 12:25
Not Alone – Jeremiah 1:8
Not alone
In this fight
We face them together
I shall not fear
For stood beside me
As I face the battle
Is our one true God
So of who shall I be afraid
Jeremiah 1:8
If There’s A Beat – Hebrews 12:28-29
And now they’ve come
To steal it all
To shake me down
To break it all
Beaten down
Not much left
Just a heart beat
No matter how faint
And if there’s a beat
Then there’s a song I can sing
It may be faint
Yet with every word
The beat gets stronger
Louder to be heard
So here I am singing
This worship song
To the only beat left
Beneath it all
Hear this song
It’s word of hope
There maybe little else left
Yet my worship will be heard
Hebrews 12:28-29
The Caged Beast – Romans 16:20
If there’s ever a moment
Ever a time
The time is now
The moment is here
Lord, the beast within is stirring
Messing with my mind
It’s taking my hopes
Attacking my dreams
And I am falling
Deeper and deeper
To where it lies
Deep within the pit
From which You pulled me out
Oh, my Lord
Here I am
Struggling against the grip
Of this beast inside
Oh, my Lord
I pray to crush my enemy
Set it beneath Your feet
So when the evening comes
I feel Your peace
And when sleep arrives
This days is forgotten
And I am free
Just one more time
From the caged beast
The beast inside
Romans 16:20
Broken By A Dream
I know I have been here before, I’ve had bad dreams before, reoccurring dreams that in some way get you every time. But this one is beyond reoccurring, it tortures in a way that messes with the mind. I know that I am not the only who suffers from these, I have read many recovering alcoholics write or talk of the same dreams, feel the same pain, anguish and guilt.
When I dream in this way the guilt runs through me hard, when I first wake I can’t get my head around the true reality, usually within minutes I can get my head around it, not today though.
These dreams, dreams where I see myself drinking, alone or with others, but nonetheless drinking, where in the dream there is a moment of realisation and then the guilt hits, that is usually when I wake. In waking it’s like the dream continues, it hard to tell the difference between the dream and reality.
I used to get these fairly regularly, every couple of months or so, but in the last year I have only suffered from one of these, that was some months ago, over the years they come less and less, generally easier to deal with too.
Before I have even got up and walked around my room and even the house to check that there are no empty bottles, no evidence that the dream was actually real. Once I have satisfied myself it was all a dream the guilt and the sense of panic goes. For a while I may feel guilty, like I’ve thrown it all away, but usually within minutes this subsides, I get my head straight and carry on to face the day.
But not today.
The early panic hit when I awoke from my dream. But this was different, I couldn’t shake the feeling that although I may not have drank last night, but that I had definitely drank at some point during the last seven and half years. Though in my heart I know that I haven’t, that I haven’t thrown anything away, my mind kept telling me I had.
After a while it all settled down, I seemed to get my head straight and move on, as before. Then I got up to get ready for church, I stood in the shower and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I was so short of breath, my chest was pounding and everything went numb. I have had panic attacks before, I know how they feel, but never this severe, this relentless, I stood paralyzed beneath the running water, I couldn’t move, only struggle for breath and cry.
Eventually, I got myself out of the shower, but I was shaking, I don’t know how long I was in there, must have been at least ten minutes. But the panic attacks kept coming in waves, I would struggle for breath, cry for a while and then it cleared, only to follow the same cycle.
I forced myself out of the house and on empty legs made it to Church. During the walk, the panic kept coming, not as severe, but bad enough.
Then once I got there, I just stood there shaking, until someone spoke to me. From that point onwards, I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t breathe again, I broke down to my friend Richard and explained it all. We went to one of the quiet rooms upstairs to talk about it and gradually I began to calm down and come back around. Over the course of the morning, I spoke with Richard and few close friends, ones that know and understand my story and also know of these dreams, they all offered prayers and support.
It’s hard to explain these dreams and feelings to others that have no experience or reference point to compare. The killer is the guilt, it makes me feel like I’ve let everyone down, like I failed myself and in turned failed my friends and the Lord Himself.
I can put my hand on my heart and swear I have not touched a drink since Thursday 29th March 2012, for two thousand, seven hundred and forty seven days, I have kept the beast at bay.
Today it did not want to stay caged anymore, if it couldn’t make me drink,
it was out to destroy my mind, my heart and my faith.
I’m working it all out, I’m gradually getting my head around it, it was after all just a dream, but I guess it has triggered something deeper inside.
I feel for too long I’ve held everything within, I know I have in my own way been struggling for at least twelve months, I’ve tried to push through on my own, without bothering anyone else, but you can only push so far alone. Today I think was the day when it all had to come out. A few things have been troubling me over the summer, I’ve tried to deal with them and just get on with it, but I think today it all became too much, today it hit the surface.
I have friends coming over later to chat, friends I know I can be genuine with, explain it all, they probably know my story, my fears and my struggles better than anyone else, they know of my past experience with these dreams, I know this can only be a good thing.
I haven’t written too much in the way of stories or articles in the last year or so, I have put all my hurt and struggle into my daily poems, but never fully addressed them. In a poem I can touch on a subject without getting into explanations, maybe I hide behind them sometimes, but I write them with a truthful heart, sometimes with the pain, sometimes the hope and sometimes the fear, but I still understand I have been hiding and now is the time to stop, to be honest.
In being honest, I know I will help myself deal with this guilt and maybe help others understand that maybe they aren’t the only ones that feel this way too.
I started this blog exactly seven years ago today, maybe the time is right to get back to what I started to do when I began this blog, talk about exactly how I feel. I’m going to continue with the daily poems, but I am also going to start writing like this again too, maybe once a week, maybe once a month, but I am definitely going to write more and deal with my feelings again.
Time to stop hiding.
THE HURT AND THE HEALER by MERCYME
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say it’s over now
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
To The Lost And Alone – Romans 8:26
Part (4 of 4)
Am I the only one?
To feel this lost and alone
To feel like there’s no one
To whom I can turn
Surely not in the world of hurt
So many more will feel this pain
If you do
If you are
So lost and alone
And you’ve found your way to these words
That I write unto myself
Well you should know
We have a spirit within
To help us through
And a God that surrounds
Who loves us so
No matter where you are
Or in the depths you feel
There’s a Father
Waiting on a voice
To simply say
“Save me Lord”
And this I know
And I say to you
You will be saved
Romans 8:26
Thoughts Of The Lost And Alone – Proverbs 2:8
(Part 3 of 4)
Even though the way was dark
And here I felt so lost and alone
I hear the words He says to me
I feel His arm surrounding me
To guard a heart that suffers so
From the disease of lost and alone
I’ve shown my faith in darker days
I’ve held to Him through stronger waves
And He’s the One that always protect my way
It’s up to me to open these eyes and see
That even when I feel so lost and alone
He’s the One that is ever at my side
Proverbs 2:8
The Bottom of a Bottle 