Tag Archives: Fighting Hard

If I Don’t Like The Taste

It was Thursday 29th March 2012, eleven days earlier I had put the blade down and had taken my last taste of wine at home, and just ten days previous I’d met with my Pastor to work out a path for the rest of my life.

The night of 19th March 2012, Gareth had passed me the Wind Up Torch, it was now up to me take that torch, to keep it charged, to light up the steps to a better life with God, but this night 29th March 2012 things would take a massive leap in the right direction, it was mind over matter and the battle to see who would win was just about to begin.

I finished my karate class at 10.00pm as usual, got changed and started to walk over to the pub next door with one my students, but this night I had a plan, I had a plan for the future.  As I walked over I made my mind up, this was it, I wasn’t going to hide this thought, I had to say it, I had to tell someone in order to believe in it.

So I told my student that I was going to have a pint of cider, but as I hadn’t really liked the taste of it in the last ten days, that if I did not like the taste of that first pint, then that would be it, that would be the end, I would never drink again.  Did I believe in this thought, did I believe I had the will power to go through with it, I really don’t think I did, but once you put it out there, made a public statement, even to just one person, there is more of an onus to act on those words.

Well the long and the short of it is, I went to the bar ordered a pint and went to sit down, with apprehension I picked up the glass, it was strange, but I felt a will in myself to deliberately not like it, even if I did my mind was telling me I just did not want to enjoy that drink.  Well the taste did absolutely nothing for me, there was no relief at that first drink, like there normally would be when I’ve waited over 20 hours since my last drink, I just didn’t like it, I didn’t want it anymore.  So I finished the drink and later went back to the bar.  This time I ordered a different drink, the same drink I’ve been drinking ever since, lime cordial and soda, it tasted great, I didn’t need the alcohol, I felt good about myself for once.

So 29th March 2012, the date for my sobriety, the date I gave up my demon, the date that chain fell, I wasn’t totally free just yet, there was and is still a long way to go.  There would still be trials to face, my drinking had destroyed my health, my relationship, my finances, my self esteem, pretty much everything I had, I had fallen so far into drinking to escape my worries, that I lost myself, I lost who I was, in turn I came close to losing all I had, but this day would be a new start, a day to start fighting hard, a day to start recovering, a day to start rebuilding, towards a journey to being REBORN.

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty
This isn’t who I’m s’pposed to be
I keep on running the hard way
From every mistake
And I’m finding each time that you fall
You’re just becoming who you are
(Becoming Who You Are by Mainstay)

So I am now truly: