Tag Archives: Hatred

Blackened Minds And All That

It seems some time since I have posted about how things are going around here, somehow I seem to find myself too busy or simply motivated to do other things.  I do veil some of my feelings into my daily poetry, particularly in Sunday’s Blackened Mind, which I will attempt to explain later in this post.

Things have settled down a little at work, myself and my colleague were issued with a written warning for not following correct procedure, both of us were caught out by a fraudster, which cost the company thousands of pounds, it’s a lesson learnt, a slap on the wrist and we carry on, but I won’t make that mistake again.

During all of the investigation for that, there was a chance that we both could lose our jobs, my colleague was especially worried as even though he doesn’t have the debt that I have, he couldn’t afford to lose his job.  Myself, I’m still paying back all the debt I amassed in my dark years.

If I’m honest, even before I “had a problem” with the drink, we were still living to our income, we weren’t saving and like many around us living on credit, but back then I was paying it back as I should.  When I lost my work and my way, any money that came in I pretty much spent on drink, I stopped paying all bills, I looked at what I had for alcohol before considering bills and debts, that was where my addiction took me and I seemingly had no control.

So for almost two years, my payments were bouncing all over the place, I was amassing so many bank charges, my overdraft which was only £450, but eventually ran to a total of over £1100, after the bank added charge after charge to my account, eventually they closed it when the Citizen Advice Bureau took over our case and rearranged my debts.

The biggest of my debts was the £8000 I owed to the Inland Revenue in taxes, this January I finally paid that off, which means a big amount that was going straight out of my account after my wages went in is no longer going out, although the Inland Revenue at first failed to cancel the payment after I contacted them, took out another payment and now owe me money, which I have applied for back, but am still waiting for, the wheels of bureaucracy run slow, they like to take your money pretty quickly, but not give it back without a fight!

But with this being the largest of my monthly repayments by some way, it took a bit of pressure off me financially, so when I realised I could lose my job, I actually wasn’t that worried by it all.  I prayed on it over and over again, each time I got a strong word from God that He has bigger things planned for me, whatever happens don’t be afraid, He wouldn’t let me fall again.

So even though my job is safe, providing I don’t screw up in the next six months at least, I am still not worried about the future, I keep praying for God to reveal His plan for me, but for now, I just keep working away, doing everything that’s asked of me.  Yes I work from 7.30 to 5pm each day, plus Saturday mornings, I teach karate too and then do work for the Architect’s.  I need the money from my work and the karate to cover our outgoings here, the work for the Architect’s is a nice bonus, it has to being seeing as they aren’t that good at paying anyway.  I can go months without getting any money from them, I still have to jump to deadlines, but I’ve managed to keep things in the time schedule I want to do them, I won’t just drop everything anymore, I would get a text at work expecting me to do what they say is just a few minor changes that evening, I would respond by telling them when I could do it and that would be that, no matter how many begging texts I got in response.  I’m sorry but if I was paid on time, I would be more inclined to put myself out, but as they don’t put themselves out to pay me, I will do things in my time and after all there minor changes were never an hour or so of work, it would end up being a few nights work or a full weekend!

Back to “Blackened Mind”, I was having a pretty good weekend, on Saturday I finally received a payment from the Architect’s, some of the invoices were from last autumn.  So I took the kids out on Saturday to do a bit of shopping in Lincoln, we had a good day out.  Then Sunday morning I felt quite positive when I left the house for Church, when I got there I felt pretty good.

During the morning I had a conversation with a friend who asked about the situation at home, between Victoria and myself.  I explained things hadn’t changed, we still live together in separate rooms, it still the same, I would start all over again tomorrow, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.  I told him how I still pray regulary for the situation and when I do I always feel like God says to me “don’t you worry about that, I have all that in hand, you just keep walking with me”, I told him how I feel all the pain and the weight of the situation lifted from me.

At the very moment I told him that, I had this overwhelming sense of warmth spread through my back, a feeling so comfortable that you just know that you’ve just had the arms of God thrown around you.  It was like God was saying to me “that’s my boy, you just keep doing that”.

All in all it was a fairly positive morning and a good preach from Sam, very encouraging, until towards the end when he began to speak about something that set me off.  He began to speak about his anniversary that weekend and how they had enjoyed it and spent it.  It set me off because that day, Sunday 10th May, was the anniversary of the first date that myself and Victoria had eighteen years before.

I don’t forget dates like that, I will forever remember, but I can’t do anything about it, for the first time in years, I had the means to celebrate it, for the first time in years I had some spare money with which to do something with, but my relationship is bankrupt and there is nothing I can do about it.

From my positive mood I slipped into the darker region of my mind and all that self hatred.  All I wanted to do was get out of the place go home.  I hate that I lie to people around me at times like that, everyone that asks how I am, I lie to, I say I’m okay and then move on, avoiding further conversation.  I packed up the camera’s and left straight away, I barely spoke to anyone on the way out, I wanted to avoid any kind of conversation, I just wanted out.

On the way home, I was in a real mess.  My mind was back in the dark days when I fell into depression.  I began to think about the times I wanted to end my life and began wishing I had actually done it, if I had I wouldn’t have to keep going through this pain over and over again.  Then I began to think that maybe this time I shouldn’t bother cutting my wrist, just cut my throat, I couldn’t get that wrong, even better, when I get home I should take the sharpest knife I could find and thrust it through my heart, just put it out of it’s misery.

When I got home I wrote out “Blackened Mind”, posted it, prayed and then just simply laid down on the settee and went to sleep.  By the time I woke a few hours later, all the darkness had gone and I was back to the more positive feeling I had earlier that morning.

It’s been so much better this week since then, on Monday evening I set up the verses for this weeks poems.  I randomly chose seven verse at the beginning of each week, the first three that came out, all spoke of perseverance through the trials, all different verses, but the same message, keep going, keep walking through the storms, things will be better on the other side, I knew that was once again the message I was being given, I felt so encouraged.

I must say that those few hours on Sunday were the darkest I have had in a long time, I have low moments, but not dark thoughts like that, indeed I don’t think I ever felt about things as darkly as that, but thankfully it went just as quickly as it came about.

Hopefully this was just a one off, triggered by a memory, I’m sure there will be others, many others, but God keeps telling me His has a plan, for the time being I just have to keep walking with Him.

I came across this song by Jeremy Camp earlier today, the lyrics made me stop and think once again, another message to keep persevering, there is a bigger plan for me.

PERFECT LOVE by JEREMY CAMP
If perfect love casts out fear
Then here I am Lord drawing near

Days have come, days have gone
I know one thing’s sure
Hanging on by the words of Your promise, Lord
You are good, you are true
Even in my pain

And I’m thankful for this suffering
‘Cause it’s brought me right here on my knees

If perfect love casts out fear
Then here I am Lord drawing near
I’m crying out and You hear my prayer
I feel the depth of how much You care
In Your perfect love
You are perfect love

I’m wide awake, wide awake
Now my eyes can see
All the hope, all the plans that you have for me
I count in joy ever time I am in this place

And I’m thankful for this suffering
It’s deepened every part of me

If perfect love casts out fear
Then here I am Lord drawing near
I’m crying out and You hear my prayer
I feel the depth of how much You care
In Your perfect love
You are perfect love

I cast my cares, cast my cares
On Your altar Lord (always, always)
‘Cause You are good, You are good
And Your love endures (always, always)
I will rest, I will rest
In Your perfect love (always, always)
There’s no more fear, no more fear
In Your presence Lord

If perfect love casts out fear
Then here I am Lord drawing near
I’m crying out and You hear my prayer
I feel the depth of how much You care
In Your perfect love
You are perfect love

Guilt & Self Loathing, Is This Really Just A Dream?

I woke last night in a state of panic, in a state of self loathing, hatred and guilt, not knowing if what  I had just witness was a guilt ridden truth or just a trick of my imagination as I slept, it’s not the first time I’ve woken this way and sadly I guess it won’t be the last.

I woke staring at the floor, right next to where I lay, was an empty bottle of 20Cl Captain Morgans Dark Rum, the same bottle I had just drank right down and tossed to the floor.

I don’t remember any other detail from the dream, I don’t remember why I was drinking the Rum, all I remember is those few seconds where I emptied the bottle of rum in one go and threw it to the ground.

At that moment in the dream there was this immense feeling of guilt and self loathing when I realised that I had drunk the rum, then at point that I woke, for a moment it was hard to fathom out if I was still in the dream or I had actually woken from it.  For those few moments upon waking the guilt remained, along with the self loathing until having looked at the floor and realising there was no bottle, it dawned on me that it was only a dream.

I’ haven’t had one of these dreams for a number of months and to be fair they only come along once in a while.  Usually there is no trigger, they just come along rather randomly and have the same effect each time, that over whelming feeling of guilt.

The guilt comes with the realisation that I have drank again, which makes me feel like I have totally let everyone down, which leads to the self loathing and hatred.

One thing is, that if these are the feelings that come from a dream, how much more intense will the feelings be if this was for real.  In a way this drives me on, it serves as a kind of constant reminder that I am never going back, I can’t go back to who I was.

But I also hate these dreams, I really do, it’s just that moment of confusion, that fleeting moment of deep guilt really does hurt, it takes a while to come around to the realisation it is all a dream and get myself to the point of comfort that I can get back to sleep.

I thank God so much that His grace allowed me this freedom from the addiction that controlled me, but these dreams evoke that the guilt of feeling that I have betrayed His love and mercy for me, that is the part hard to take.

GRACE AND LOVE (ACOUSTIC) by KUTLESS
Many things in life are hard for me
Many things can pull us down
I don’t understand why I do what I do
How could I take my eyes off you
After all You’ve done for me
And after all You’ve done for me

It’s by Your grace and love I am saved
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I’m amazed
It’s by Your grace and love I am free
I am free

And it’s by grace and love that I am free
I’ll live with you eternally
I thank you Lord that I am free
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying upon the tree of Calvary
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying for me

Because it’s by grace and love I am saved
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I’m amazed
It’s by Your grace and love I am free
I am free

Many things in life are hard for me
Byt my grace and love You’ve forgiven me
And by grace and love we are free