Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
I am thankful that for the last 140 weeks I have been free of the darkness that I once belonged to.
CHILDREN OF THE LIGHT by HILLSONG LIVE Children in the wilderness Following the love You poured out for us Covered by the Name that we confess Jesus Saviour forever
Roaming through the dark of night Clinging to the word that burns deep inside Eyes fixed on Your Name and endless light Jesus Saviour forever
Set alight to follow In the shadow of Your Name The world is Yours and I know Everything will find its place Under Your Name
Walking on through the fire Knowing I will not be burned but refined Fearless in Your Name ever by my side Jesus Saviour forever
Taking on the raging storm Anchored to the kingdom unshakable Holding to Your Name that outshines all Jesus Saviour forever
Set alight to follow In the shadow of Your Name The world is Yours and I know Everything will find its place Under Your Name
Children of the light Blazing through the night Taking back what the devil had stolen
Calling on Your Name Breaking every chain Jesus everlasting freedom
Running through the wild Dancing in the fire Taking back what the devil had stolen
Calling on Your Name Breaking every chain Jesus everlasting freedom
Set alight to follow In the shadow of Your Name The world is Yours and I know Everything will find its place
Set alight to follow In the shadow of Your Name The world is Yours and I know Everything will find its place Under Your Name Jesus under Your Name
Jesus All the power All the glory All the praise be to Your Name forever All the power All the glory All the praise be to Your Name forever
After a life of hiding from the world in the shadows, walking in the sun light is great, but walking in His everlasting Light is the most amazing feeling.
ENDLESS LIGHT by HILLSONG LIVE From the highest throne To the earth below You laid down Your life For the likes of us Great is the love of the Saviour
From a wounded heart To a life made whole Every human heart Will declare as one Great is the love of the Saviour
Lord of endless light Let Your glory shine forever All the earth All the earth Will sing Your praise
From the mountain heights To the valleys low All created things Given life to show Jesus we live for Your glory
From the rising sun To the still of night Every waking moment For Your delight Jesus we live for Your glory
Lord of endless light Let Your glory shine forever All the earth All the earth Will sing Your praise
Hope of every heart Let Your name be lifted higher All our hearts All our hearts Will sing Your praise
God be exalted God be exalted In everything We live for Your glory Live for Your glory
God be exalted God be exalted In everything We live for Your glory Live for Your glory
God be exalted God be exalted In everything We live for Your glory Live for Your glory
Lord of endless light Let Your glory shine forever All the earth All the earth Will sing Your praise
Hope of every heart Let Your name be lifted higher All our hearts All our hearts Will sing Your praise
God be exalted God be exalted In everything We live for Your glory Live for Your glory
God be exalted God be exalted In everything We live for Your glory Live for Your glory
In the two years since I’ve been attending Everyday Champions Church, I’ve had many moments, where you just know you’ve experienced something, sometimes you can’t explain, just like the first time I sat in a service on 1st April 2012, that day I didn’t really know what was happening, I knew as I listened to the service that I knew I had found the place I needed to be, I had stopped drinking just a three days before and really was then just looking to find myself. That morning I cried on at least three occasions and felt something inside, something that I couldn’t explain, it felt a little scary, but at the same time it felt comforting in a moment of my own pain.
Since then I’ve had many such experiences, some were great feelings and moments, others were painful to take, but powerful all the same.
But all of those moments have been personal, just me experiencing them and just my actions and feelings.
Yet this morning, I had one of those moments, but this time it was different, so different.
As part of our Resurrection Sunday service, our Worship team put on a performance of the song Man Of Sorrows, from my vantage point on my platform behind the camera, I had a great view of the whole church, sat watching the great performance our band were putting on for them, then midway through the song, something happened that gave me one of those spine tingling moments and almost drew a tear from my eye.
It took just one person, one person to stand and raise their hands and almost immediately and at once the whole Church stood to their feet, raised their hands and their voices, at that moment it just felt electric. Apart from the band, I probably had the best view, but it really was a moment of amazing worship, as the whole Church rose to give thanks for Christ’s sacrifice for us upon the Cross.
From that point onwards, their seemed to be just an amazing atmosphere within the building, probably the best that I every experienced in the Church, apart from the day of my Baptism, but that was an amazing personal buzz, not one where everyone just seemed to give their everything in praise and worship.
MAN OF SORROWS by HILLSONG LIVE Man of sorrows Lamb of God By His own betrayed The sin of man and wrath of God Has been on Jesus laid
Silent as He stood accused Beaten mocked and scorned Bowing to the Father’s will He took a crown of thorns
Oh that rugged cross My salvation Where Your love poured out over me Now my soul cries out Hallelujah Praise and honour unto Thee
Sent of heaven God’s own Son To purchase and redeem And reconcile the very ones Who nailed Him to that tree
Now my debt is paid It is paid in full By the precious blood That my Jesus spilled
Now the curse of sin Has no hold on me Whom the Son sets free Oh is free indeed
See the stone is rolled away Behold the empty tomb Hallelujah God be praised He’s risen from the grave
Do you ever get the feeling that you can’t go on any further?
I know I did last year, I reached a mountain I couldn’t climb, but now I feel rested and ready to go for it again.
I certainly feel I found that shelter under the shadow of His wings!
GLORIOUS RUINS by HILLSONG LIVE When the mountains fall And the tempest roars You are with me When creation folds Still my soul will soar on Your mercy
I’ll walk through the fire With my head lifted high And my spirit revived in Your story And I’ll look to the cross As my failure is lost In the light of Your glorious grace
Let the ruins come to life In the beauty of Your Name Rising up from the ashes God forever You reign
And my soul will find refuge In the shadow of Your wings I will love You forever And forever I’ll sing
When the world caves in Still my hope will cling to Your promise Where my courage ends Let my heart find strength in Your presence
This afternoon I broke an old tradition of mine, one that is now feel is a bit of an embarrassment.
Basically today I attended a wedding!
Okay, so no big deal why is that such a breakthrough?
Before I became a Christian last year, attending a Church was the last thing I wanted to. This wasn’t just confined to my years in darkness, this went right back to being a kid.
I just wasn’t comfortable being in a Church, in many ways it just didn’t sit right with me. Most Weddings I was invited to were held in traditional Churches, just like today, medieval stone buildings with wooden pews, not particularly inviting to me. Then secondly religion just wasn’t on my agenda, it just wasn’t, so I did everything I could to avoid any Church service.
There were many family weddings where I could not avoid attending, I would begrudgingly stand/sit quietly, not really interested in the proceedings, just waiting to get out of there as quickly as possible, maybe there was an element of I just wanted to skip that and get to the reception, let the drinking commence! But regardless, I never enjoyed them at all, indeed although myself and Victoria became engaged of sorts, I really didn’t see myself getting married either, simply as I wasn’t a believer I saw it as hypocritical so say vows in a Church.
If it was a friend’s wedding, I would find an excuse to miss it, Victoria would go, but females just love weddings anyway, but we would come up with a cover story where I was at a karate course or couldn’t get cover for my classes, but I would be at the reception. Essentially she would lie for me.
But today I attended Dom and Sam’s wedding in Dom’s village Church, but today I went with great anticipation, I was looking forward to it and dare I say it, I really enjoyed it.
Although in a traditional Church and not our own Church which I have become comfortable with, traditional hymns were replaced with worship songs played by members of our own worship band and get this, I actually sang at a wedding for the first time without keeping my head down and mumbling into the hymn sheet. Having said that I had no choice really, I was sat next to Becca, one of our Worship leaders, but her singing simply put mine to shame, plus she knew all the words.
It all seems a little bit surreal, after all these years, in fact a lifetime avoiding events like this, to actually attend without any resentment and to enjoy the whole thing is a big breakthrough for me. I know I’ve been in Church for over a year and I hate missing Sunday services, this is a big thing for me, it broke the habit of a lifetime.
It was a really great service, the bride looked beautiful and the groom never lost his smile, just a really great afternoon with fantastic people.
So after a week of quiet I’ve come home to a house full of life again, although the kids have just been packed off to their Gran’s as both Victoria and I are at the reception this evening, it good to come back to house that has it soul back. In a way it’s been a tough week, but it’s over with and I feel great now. Oh and Muffin the rabbit made it through too!
It will be an interesting evening, I’ve never been to a wedding reception without drinking, not since I was a kid anyway, another first, it will have its own tests, but I’m determined to come through it and thoroughly enjoy it completely sober.
BENEATH THE WATERS (I WILL RISE) by HILLSONG LIVE This is my revelation Christ Jesus crucified Salvation through repentance At the cross on which He died
Now here my absolution Forgiveness for my sin And I sink beneath the waters That Christ was buried in
I will rise (But now I rise) I will rise As Christ was raised to life Now in Him Now in Him I live
I stand a new creation Baptised in blood and fire No fear of condemnation By faith I’m justified
I rise as You are risen Declare Your rule and reign My life confess Your Lordship And glorify Your Name
Your word it stands eternal Your kingdom knows no end Your praise goes on forever And on and on again
No power can stand against You No curse assault Your throne No one can steal Your glory For it is Yours alone
I stand to sing Your praises I stand to testify For I was dead in my sin
After my hard walk this morning, “Walking Into The Wind” and my cold shower, I felt good and ready for Church, I was refreshed and fully alive.
I got to Church after another mile plus walk, a steady one this time, no mad rush, I met Alex for a chat on the way in, then a chat with a others, including James before taking my seat, yes you know the one, right at the back in the corner.
I was ready to worship, I was ready sing out loud, I was feeling good, well so I thought anyway, the current calm of my life didn’t last for long, I was about to be brought down once again.
I wrote on Friday in my post “Keeping My Head High Amid The Turmoil” about my current issues, the lack of current finances and my relationship status, the money is a problem that is starting to rear it’s head again and is causing a few problems at home to deal with, then the relationship or lack of it is obviously on going and gets to me quite often, both are issues I have prayed continuously about for the last week and indeed before, I had these bases covered, I knew I needed help to address these situations and therefore handed them over to God for his help.
That’s what I thought anyway, until Justin got up and began to talk about Ezekiel 37, 11-14 and how he had felt recently his bones had become dry and he needed God’s help to breathe life back into him.
Ezekiel 37, 11-14 “Then He said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They indeed say, ‘Our bones are dry, our hope is lost, and we ourselves are cut off!’ Therefore prophesy and say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Behold, O My people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel. Then you shall know that I am the Lord, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves. I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken it and performed it,” says the Lord.”
He told us all that God could breathe life into our situations and his first two examples smacked me right in the face, relationships and finances, so okay I thought, this is meant for me, I need to listen.
As his talk on Ezekiel 37 went on I felt like I just wanted to stand up or raise my arm, I needed God to breathe life into my situation, the more it went on the more my insides began to freeze and my body go numb, this has happened many times before, usually when I feel God is telling me to do something, this was no different, maybe just more intense than usual.
When Justin finally asked anyone who felt God had spoken to them today about their situations to stand as he prayed, I jumped up, I certainly had been spoken to and I had been ready to stand for a while. I knew I had to stand, I knew I had to make that declaration, but as I stood I couldn’t stop the wave of emotion that came over me, once again I found myself crying, I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t keep it all in anymore.
He then asked anyone who needed God to breathe life into their situations to come to the front so everyone could pray for them, again I jumped up and walked to the front and once again I couldn’t control the emotion, the wave upon wave of tears just kept coming as the members of the front row laid their hands on me and the others that had made their way along with me.
I thought I had all this under control, I had been praying for both issues, I had realised I couldn’t do this alone anymore, I needed help from God to find my way through it all, I was more than willing to admit in front of everyone I needed help, I’ve even written that on here the other day, but why the emotion, why all the uncontrollable tears, I don’t know where they came from, I didn’t feel down at all this morning, I was awake and alive, I was feeling really positive despite it all, I knew there would be breakthrough in time as I trusted in God to come through for me, I still do, what I can’t tell is whether the tears were of joy or sorrow or just simply relief at the feeling that God was moving in my situation, I could feel it inside.
The funny thing was also, I couldn’t stop shaking, as I stood there at the front, trying to sing along with the worship song at the end of the service, my knees felt like they were going to give way, my hands and arms were shaking, I just felt like slumping down to the floor, it took a while for the shaking and numbness to subside.
I had wanted to get away as quick a possible, I had a bit of work to do before I went to Karate, but the service was already running late and I got taking to a number of people, then I got speak with James again, he is a member of the front row at Church as service co-ordinator, so he knew I had been at there, so we discussed my issues in length once again, ironically ending up stood against the same radiator, in the entrance, that we stood at during our first lengthy discussion on my first trip into Church just over a year ago, we had a laugh about that!
I honestly can’t quite put my finger on what was happening today, why the not so much a breakdown, but such an outpouring of emotion, I’ve said many times how emotional I can get, today was not an exception, but usually I can pinpoint why, today I can’t it was just simply raw emotion.
I felt good after my walk and cold shower this morning, I felt positive and I still do, I will pray tonight as usual, similar prayers to what I have said over the last few weeks, that will not change, but my hope has been renewed now, I will certainly pray now in hope rather than despair, what do I have to despair about, God is moving inside, he is there with me, I’m not alone!
I share this song with you today, this song our worship team played whilst I stood there at the front of our Church, the song I sung with everything I had through all the tears and emotion.
I stand to sing Your praises I stand to testify For i was dead in my sin But now I rise I will rise As Christ was raised to life Now in Him Now in Him I live (Beneath The Waters (I Will Rise) by Hillsong Live)
