Usually I am quite a shy person, I don’t let my feelings be easily seen by others. In the past my inner most feelings only surfaced after I became drunk or relaxed through drink, where my inhibitions were laid dormant, the alcohol became dominant over my natural shyness.
But not everyone would see this, yes people would say I would talk more or express more of an opinion when I was happily drunk, but other than that there were times when my deepest feelings surfaced, but these would only be seen by Victoria, I don’t remember how many times I would end up crying myself to sleep in her arms, I miss those days, not the drink mind you, just being able to let go of all my feelings and feel safe in the physical embrace of loving arms.
Obviously in my dark years of drinking to hide all my feelings, I kept them in, there were the odd times in the early days where I would let some out, but the more I isolated myself, the further away Victoria arms seemed and less I sought their safety and security.
When eventually that world I created collapsed around me and Victoria’s arms were finally closed to me, when I fell face down on the floor, a lost soul and finally sunk as low as to contemplate suicide one more time, then my world changed, I had to change.
I sought out a different way of life and found God and redemption through Christ. When I met with Gareth my now Pastor, I had to be honest to find the change I need, I had to let it all come out, it was the only way, to finally admit my problems and find a possible solution and recovery.
Then when I walked into Church, I had a big decision to make, people would ask why I was there, no one knew anything about what was happening in my life, I had the choice, keep hiding and admit just a little of who I was and what I had been through or be completely honest, tell the truth about everything, not hide any thing, let it out. We discussed being honest at the #MMV meeting last Sunday evening, I pointed out that us men in particular aren’t good at sharing our inner most feelings, women do it far more naturally than us males, we see letting our inner most thoughts as showing our weakness and that isn’t a very male thing to do.
But in order to face our problems, we have to expose our problems.
“You have to take it out of the box, if you keep it hidden away in a box it can never be dealt with, it remains hidden, when it’s taken out of the box, you have to do something with it!”
When your problems are exposed, when it’s out in the open, then you have to do something about it, you can no longer hide behind it.
Having said all that though, I still find that writing on here I can just let go, I write about things in detail on here that I maybe struggle to admit to people face to face, not about them, this Blog isn’t a vehicle for dissing others, but about myself, I can expose so much more by the written word, than in a face to face discussion.
There are people over this last 400 Days of Sobriety, that maybe I have let see more of my inner self than others, in particular James and a few others, but still, I think I have certainly been more open on here, not necessarily more honest, it’s not that I lie about anything to the others, I just don’t always feel the time or the place for certain discussions about where I am is right, on here that doesn’t matter, when I’m ready to write, it writes itself and I just post it, a bit like this, as soon as I saw the prompt, I just started typing, no thought process, just a flow of words.
When my first Nanna died at the beginning of March, I couldn’t express myself to those close to me, I was in such a low place, I thought I was letting them down by feeling so low after all they had done to help me change my life. But on here I could be honest, I could write it, but not say it.
That I guess is the way I am, but I’m glad I’ve found this medium to express myself, to let out those thoughts, which in the past have eaten away at myself, that I would hide beneath the volumes of alcohol, now I don’t hide them, I expose them on here and more importantly nothing that goes on here is hidden from God, I speak to him more freely about things than I do on here, sorry but He comes first, I’m sure you’ll understand.
But thank you all for reading my thoughts, reading through my pain, laughing with me, crying with me, encouraging me and most of all caring for me, I may never have met any of you, but all those that take the time to like and to comment, thank you, you are all wonderful people and great friends.
I heard this song this morning, I think the lyrics fit, Does The Song You Sing Have Enough Meaning?
The words I wrote
Keep calling out
Keep calling out
Forever let them ring
Hear them echoing, hear them echoing
Does the song you sing
Have enough meaning
Inspire us to sing along
Does the song you sing keep echoing
Inspire us to sing the song you sing
(The Song You Sing by Creed)