Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
We are human, we have all walked in both darkness and light, but it’s that darkness where we stumble the most, so rarely do we stumble in the light, only when we take our eyes of where we are going!
HE KNOWS by JEREMY CAMP All the bitter weary ways Endless striving day by day You barely have the strength to pray In the valley low
And how hard your fight has been How deep the pain within Wounds that no one else has seen Hurts too much to show
All the doubt you’re standing in between And all the weight that brings you to your knees
He knows He knows Every hurt and every sting He has walked the suffering He knows He knows Let your burdens come undone Lift your eyes up to the one Who knows He knows He knows
We may faint and we may sink Feel the pain and near the brink But the dark begins to shrink When you find the one who knows
The chains of doubt that held you in between one by one are starting to break free
He knows He knows Every hurt and every sting He has walked the suffering He knows He knows Let your burdens come undone Lift your eyes up to the one Who knows He knows He knows
Every time you feel forsaken Every time that you feel alone He is near to the brokenhearted Every tear He knows He knows
He knows He knows Every hurt and every sting He has walked the suffering He knows He knows Let your burdens come undone Lift your eyes up to the one Who knows He knows He knows
There will come a day when the world truly wakes up and sees the great deeds of our God, maybe it will be in my time here on earth, the world we live in now could do with that revelation.
THERE WILL BE A DAY by JEREMY CAMP I try to hold on to this world With everything I have But I feel the weight of what it brings, And the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, That we will enter in this rest With wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face But until that day, We’ll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long You feel you’re walking on your own But there has never been a step Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart Cause joy and peace he brings And the beauty that’s in store Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
I can’t wait until that day Where the very one I’ve lived for always Will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me From a life of shame and misery Oh, this is why, this is why I sing…
There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day He will wipe away the tears He will wipe away the tears He will wipe away the tears There will be a day
Christ sacrificed His life for everyone, for those who have passed, those who live and those to come, still many never know or understand what this mean for them, hopefully each will find this truth.
THERE WILL BE A DAY by JEREMY CAMP I try to hold on to this world With everything I have But I feel the weight of what it brings, And the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, That we will enter in this rest With wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face But until that day, We’ll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long You feel you’re walking on your own But there has never been a step Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart Cause joy and peace he brings And the beauty that’s in store Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face But until that day, We’ll hold on to you always
I can’t wait until that day Where the very one I’ve lived for always Will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me From a life of shame and misery Oh, this is why, this is why I sing…
There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day He will wipe away the tears He will wipe away the tears He will wipe away the tears There will be a day
I can certainly testify that these words have been true to me over the last ten days, He watched over me during my accident and has helped the wounds heal.
Today I walked to Church on my crutches, took me longer that usual, but quicker than I was earlier in the week! I managed to stand to worship and then walk back home. Then an afternoon of rest before I go back to work tomorrow.
MY DEFENDER by JEREMY CAMP Though I walk through the valley of the shadow And I stand face to face with the enemy I will know that I am not forsaken You surround me when the fire’s at my feet
You’re my defender You fight for me I will remember You’re all I need You are my healer My remedy Against the power of the unknown And I will not stand alone ‘Cause You’re my defender
I can see You when the night is closing in And I will trust You when it seems that there’s no hope And I hold tight to the promise You have given ‘Cause this I know and I am confident
You’re my defender You fight for me I will remember You’re all I need You are my healer My remedy Against the power of the unknown And I will not stand alone ‘Cause You’re my defender You’re my defender
I’m saved by the blood I’m saved by the blood of Jesus I’m saved by the blood I’m saved by the blood of Jesus I’m saved by the blood And I’m saved by the blood of Jesus I’m saved by the blood And I’m saved…
‘Cause You’re my defender You fight for me I will remember You’re all I need And You are my healer My remedy Against the power of the unknown And I will not stand alone ‘Cause You’re my defender
I know that You are for me I know You will not fail The weapons formed against me Cannot prevail because…
I’m saved by the blood I’m saved by the blood of Jesus I’m saved by the blood I’m saved by the blood of Jesus ‘Cause You’re my defender
There will be a day when the whole Earth sees His glory, when they find the word and the truth.
THERE WILL BE A DAY by JEREMY CAMP I try to hold on to this world With everything I have But I feel the weight of what it brings, And the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, That we will enter in this rest With wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face But until that day, We’ll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long You feel you’re walking on your own But there has never been a step Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart Cause joy and peace he brings And the beauty that’s in store Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face But until that day, We’ll hold on to you always
I can’t wait until that day Where the very one I’ve lived for always Will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me From a life of shame and misery Oh, this is why, this is why I sing…
There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face There will be a day with no more tears, No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day He will wipe away the tears He will wipe away the tears He will wipe away the tears There will be a day
Sometimes we shy away from doing what is right, out of fear for what people will say, but He promises that we will be blessed, He says not to fear them, so is it time to keep on doing what is good, not turning away in fear.
THE WAY by JEREMY CAMP All creation cried out with longing With groans only You could comprehend And with wisdom, You always answer And give the words of life so unfailing
And Your glory shines all around us Your faithfulness shown for all to see When we think of all of Your wonders The beauty of Your plan that’s been revealed We walk in Your light, we walk in it
Shine, bright Let Your glory fill this land Lift high, the King of Kings and great I am Jesus, You are the way
We can see the works of Your loving hands With a hope and peace not made by man When You poured out Your grace and Your mercy And You held out Your arms so we could see You bled for all mankind and set the captives free
Shine, bright Let Your glory fill this land Lift high, the King of Kings and great I am Jesus, You are the way
It seems to come so easy to be downcast at the moment, my only hope rests in the fact that I’ve been to darker places and each time I have been led out by the hand of my God.
HE KNOWS by JEREMY CAMP All the bitter weary ways Endless striving day by day You barely have the strength to pray In the valley low
And how hard your fight has been How deep the pain within Wounds that no one else has seen Hurts too much to show
All the doubt you’re standing in between And all the weight that brings you to your knees
He knows He knows Every hurt and every sting He has walked the suffering He knows He knows Let your burdens come undone Lift your eyes up to the one Who knows He knows He knows
We may faint and we may sink Feel the pain and near the brink But the dark begins to shrink When you find the one who knows
The chains of doubt that held you in between one by one are starting to break free
He knows He knows Every hurt and every sting He has walked the suffering He knows He knows Let your burdens come undone Lift your eyes up to the one Who knows He knows He knows
Every time you feel forsaken Every time that you feel alone He is near to the brokenhearted Every tear
He knows He knows He knows He knows Every hurt and every sting He has walked the suffering He knows He knows Let your burdens come undone Lift your eyes up to the one Who knows He knows He knows
It seems some time since I have posted about how things are going around here, somehow I seem to find myself too busy or simply motivated to do other things. I do veil some of my feelings into my daily poetry, particularly in Sunday’s Blackened Mind, which I will attempt to explain later in this post.
Things have settled down a little at work, myself and my colleague were issued with a written warning for not following correct procedure, both of us were caught out by a fraudster, which cost the company thousands of pounds, it’s a lesson learnt, a slap on the wrist and we carry on, but I won’t make that mistake again.
During all of the investigation for that, there was a chance that we both could lose our jobs, my colleague was especially worried as even though he doesn’t have the debt that I have, he couldn’t afford to lose his job. Myself, I’m still paying back all the debt I amassed in my dark years.
If I’m honest, even before I “had a problem” with the drink, we were still living to our income, we weren’t saving and like many around us living on credit, but back then I was paying it back as I should. When I lost my work and my way, any money that came in I pretty much spent on drink, I stopped paying all bills, I looked at what I had for alcohol before considering bills and debts, that was where my addiction took me and I seemingly had no control.
So for almost two years, my payments were bouncing all over the place, I was amassing so many bank charges, my overdraft which was only £450, but eventually ran to a total of over £1100, after the bank added charge after charge to my account, eventually they closed it when the Citizen Advice Bureau took over our case and rearranged my debts.
The biggest of my debts was the £8000 I owed to the Inland Revenue in taxes, this January I finally paid that off, which means a big amount that was going straight out of my account after my wages went in is no longer going out, although the Inland Revenue at first failed to cancel the payment after I contacted them, took out another payment and now owe me money, which I have applied for back, but am still waiting for, the wheels of bureaucracy run slow, they like to take your money pretty quickly, but not give it back without a fight!
But with this being the largest of my monthly repayments by some way, it took a bit of pressure off me financially, so when I realised I could lose my job, I actually wasn’t that worried by it all. I prayed on it over and over again, each time I got a strong word from God that He has bigger things planned for me, whatever happens don’t be afraid, He wouldn’t let me fall again.
So even though my job is safe, providing I don’t screw up in the next six months at least, I am still not worried about the future, I keep praying for God to reveal His plan for me, but for now, I just keep working away, doing everything that’s asked of me. Yes I work from 7.30 to 5pm each day, plus Saturday mornings, I teach karate too and then do work for the Architect’s. I need the money from my work and the karate to cover our outgoings here, the work for the Architect’s is a nice bonus, it has to being seeing as they aren’t that good at paying anyway. I can go months without getting any money from them, I still have to jump to deadlines, but I’ve managed to keep things in the time schedule I want to do them, I won’t just drop everything anymore, I would get a text at work expecting me to do what they say is just a few minor changes that evening, I would respond by telling them when I could do it and that would be that, no matter how many begging texts I got in response. I’m sorry but if I was paid on time, I would be more inclined to put myself out, but as they don’t put themselves out to pay me, I will do things in my time and after all there minor changes were never an hour or so of work, it would end up being a few nights work or a full weekend!
Back to “Blackened Mind”, I was having a pretty good weekend, on Saturday I finally received a payment from the Architect’s, some of the invoices were from last autumn. So I took the kids out on Saturday to do a bit of shopping in Lincoln, we had a good day out. Then Sunday morning I felt quite positive when I left the house for Church, when I got there I felt pretty good.
During the morning I had a conversation with a friend who asked about the situation at home, between Victoria and myself. I explained things hadn’t changed, we still live together in separate rooms, it still the same, I would start all over again tomorrow, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen. I told him how I still pray regulary for the situation and when I do I always feel like God says to me “don’t you worry about that, I have all that in hand, you just keep walking with me”, I told him how I feel all the pain and the weight of the situation lifted from me.
At the very moment I told him that, I had this overwhelming sense of warmth spread through my back, a feeling so comfortable that you just know that you’ve just had the arms of God thrown around you. It was like God was saying to me “that’s my boy, you just keep doing that”.
All in all it was a fairly positive morning and a good preach from Sam, very encouraging, until towards the end when he began to speak about something that set me off. He began to speak about his anniversary that weekend and how they had enjoyed it and spent it. It set me off because that day, Sunday 10th May, was the anniversary of the first date that myself and Victoria had eighteen years before.
I don’t forget dates like that, I will forever remember, but I can’t do anything about it, for the first time in years, I had the means to celebrate it, for the first time in years I had some spare money with which to do something with, but my relationship is bankrupt and there is nothing I can do about it.
From my positive mood I slipped into the darker region of my mind and all that self hatred. All I wanted to do was get out of the place go home. I hate that I lie to people around me at times like that, everyone that asks how I am, I lie to, I say I’m okay and then move on, avoiding further conversation. I packed up the camera’s and left straight away, I barely spoke to anyone on the way out, I wanted to avoid any kind of conversation, I just wanted out.
On the way home, I was in a real mess. My mind was back in the dark days when I fell into depression. I began to think about the times I wanted to end my life and began wishing I had actually done it, if I had I wouldn’t have to keep going through this pain over and over again. Then I began to think that maybe this time I shouldn’t bother cutting my wrist, just cut my throat, I couldn’t get that wrong, even better, when I get home I should take the sharpest knife I could find and thrust it through my heart, just put it out of it’s misery.
When I got home I wrote out “Blackened Mind”, posted it, prayed and then just simply laid down on the settee and went to sleep. By the time I woke a few hours later, all the darkness had gone and I was back to the more positive feeling I had earlier that morning.
It’s been so much better this week since then, on Monday evening I set up the verses for this weeks poems. I randomly chose seven verse at the beginning of each week, the first three that came out, all spoke of perseverance through the trials, all different verses, but the same message, keep going, keep walking through the storms, things will be better on the other side, I knew that was once again the message I was being given, I felt so encouraged.
I must say that those few hours on Sunday were the darkest I have had in a long time, I have low moments, but not dark thoughts like that, indeed I don’t think I ever felt about things as darkly as that, but thankfully it went just as quickly as it came about.
Hopefully this was just a one off, triggered by a memory, I’m sure there will be others, many others, but God keeps telling me His has a plan, for the time being I just have to keep walking with Him.
I came across this song by Jeremy Camp earlier today, the lyrics made me stop and think once again, another message to keep persevering, there is a bigger plan for me.
PERFECT LOVE by JEREMY CAMP If perfect love casts out fear Then here I am Lord drawing near
Days have come, days have gone I know one thing’s sure Hanging on by the words of Your promise, Lord You are good, you are true Even in my pain
And I’m thankful for this suffering ‘Cause it’s brought me right here on my knees
If perfect love casts out fear Then here I am Lord drawing near I’m crying out and You hear my prayer I feel the depth of how much You care In Your perfect love You are perfect love
I’m wide awake, wide awake Now my eyes can see All the hope, all the plans that you have for me I count in joy ever time I am in this place
And I’m thankful for this suffering It’s deepened every part of me
If perfect love casts out fear Then here I am Lord drawing near I’m crying out and You hear my prayer I feel the depth of how much You care In Your perfect love You are perfect love
I cast my cares, cast my cares On Your altar Lord (always, always) ‘Cause You are good, You are good And Your love endures (always, always) I will rest, I will rest In Your perfect love (always, always) There’s no more fear, no more fear In Your presence Lord
If perfect love casts out fear Then here I am Lord drawing near I’m crying out and You hear my prayer I feel the depth of how much You care In Your perfect love You are perfect love
When it was mentioned in our meeting last night, that God has forgotten all our past sins, I felt a great weight lifted from my chest, like that shadows that laid heavy on my heart had been taken away.
WE MUST REMEMBER by JEREMY CAMP We must remember That You have forgotten And You don’t remember our sins anymore We must remember That You have forgotten And You, You died once and for all
You are the God that bore our shame You are the taker of our pain And we know that You are, yes You are The one true life we need
You are the pure and spotless Lamb You are the only Great I Am And we know that You are, yes You are The God of the redeemed
And we must remember That You have forgotten And You don’t remember our sins anymore And we must remember That You have forgotten And You, You died once and for all Once and for all
The power of Your blood is all that we need You laid down Your life and the captives were free The veil was torn and there was victory
We must remember, we must remember That You’ve forgotten, yes You’ve forgotten We must remember, there is victory There is victory There is victory There is victory
We must remember That You have forgotten And You don’t remember our sins anymore And we must remember That You have forgotten And You, You died once and for all
For me this can be so hard, when all I see before me sometimes is everything that is going wrong, rather than remembering who it was that set me free when everything was far darker than what is before me.
WALK BY FAITH by JEREMY CAMP Would I believe you when you would say Your hand will guide my every way Will I receive the words You say Every moment of every day
Well I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see Well because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears You’ve been so faithful for all my years With one breath You make me new Your grace covers all I do
yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya
Well I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see Well because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Well I’m broken- but I still see Your face Well You’ve spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see Well because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Well I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see Well because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith) Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith I will, I will, I will walk by faith
