Tag Archives: Josh Wilson

Verse of the Day – Psalm 104:33-34

Psalm 104:33-34

Psalm 104:33-34

Even in times when I am struggling I find I can still sing my praises, I pick the songs that mean the most to me and sing them out to Him.

SING IT by JOSH WILSON
All the words in all the world could never say enough
All the notes in my guitar could never play enough

But You’ve placed this song inside my heart
And all I know to do for You is sing it
No, it’s not much, but it’s what I’ve got
And all I know to do for You is sing it

I have tried so hard to find the perfect melody
But nothing I could ever write comes close to Your glory

But You’ve placed this song inside my heart
And all I know to do for You is sing it
No, it’s not much, but it’s what I’ve got
And all I know to do for You is sing it

The Story So Far – Chapter 23 – Inside The Fear

CHAPTER 23 – INSIDE THE FEAR

I started on the medication the day after I met with the Doctor, he suggested a minimum of a six month course, but stated I should come back within a couple of weeks to assess my condition, I booked an appointment and the only one I could get was on my 40th birthday.

The earlier side effects to the tablets were almost instantaneous, just as the Doctor suggested, which mainly manifested themselves as bouts of diarrhoea and some extreme dizziness.  The diarrhoea thankfully only lasted a day or two, but the dizziness lasted a week or so.  The only way I can describe these feelings was a little bit like on the Lord Of The Rings films, when Frodo puts on the one ring and his world turned to shadows and nothing seemed to be in focus, that was how I was seeing the world in those moments, thankfully they only lasted seconds, but it did leave me feeling very disorientated for a while afterwards.  I spoke with a work mate who I knew had taken antidepressants in the past and described the feelings to him, he identified with the same feelings and said when he knew he had to take them again, he would book off a week so he could get through these side effects, unfortunately because of the days I already had booked, I didn’t have this luxury, I had to tough it out at work.

I had kept Sarah and Paul informed of my visit to the Doctors and how I was feeling, on the Wednesday I went to their house a little bit early, neither of them were present the week before when I sat at Ally’s house in complete tears, but when the rest of the group arrived Sarah let me briefly explain where I was at and the medication I was now on.  It was hard to try and explain what the previous week was all about, as quite honestly, I don’t know what it was about or why it all happened the way it did, but in explaining the visit to the Doctors and the medication, I’m sure they understood things a little better this week.  As always they were all extremely supportive and once again, they prayed for my situation.

Once the early symptoms of the medication had all but worn off, I was left with just the odd mild jittery feeling, it would come and go, the dizziness slowly disappeared, but I would find that I felt really jittery from time to time.  By the time the weekend came around I was feeling relatively normal, compared to the last few weeks anyway, I still was struggling to sleep, I wasn’t getting many hours sleep at all, so it was making me tired, but I was getting through each day and the feelings of desperation were subsiding.

But as the day approached where Victoria was to go away, then a wave of fear began to come over me.  Although I felt that I was doing a lot better, those dark feelings of the previous weeks were still fresh in my mind.  The fear manifested itself as strong feelings that I was going to completely mess up in the ten days or so whilst she was away.  I’ve never had the kids for more than a full day on my own, yes I’ve looked after them alone, increasingly over the last couple of years, but now I had this fear that one of these dark moments would manifest itself and I would end up doing something stupid.  I couldn’t shake the feeling and after all the progress after starting to take the medication, I was beginning to be unravelled.

But I had so many offers of support, so many families at Church all offered their support and said to call them if I was struggling, a few offered to cook a couple of meals for us, which they very kindly did and dropped off for me, it eased the pressure.  Victoria’s mum had them for a couple of night’s so I could attend my Connect Group and took them over the weekend so I could have a bit of a break.

All the while though my struggle for sleep was getting worse.  I would just lay their at night unable to drift off.  The good thing about that was, that on a couple of channels on Sky TV by now were running Christmas films literally 24 hours, so on the nights I couldn’t sleep I would just lay their watching Christmas film after Christmas film, some were good, some were poorly made, but the feel good factor of the films took away any stress I had because of not sleeping.  In the daytime while the kids were at school I would catch up on the odd hour of sleep here and there, but essentially I was still only getting three or four hours sleep each day, but it was enough, I was getting by and gradually feeling better and better.

On the middle Sunday I was invited for dinner at a friend’s, I didn’t have the kids as they were at their Gran’s, so I spent pleasant afternoon in the company of my friend’s family and also a few of our senior Pastor’s who were invited too, it was a really nice way to spend the afternoon and their support and encouragement helped me even more.  Earlier that day at Church I actually felt I was able to participate in worship like I used to.  Over the previous month or so I found I just couldn’t engage with worship, I would sit at the back, on the floor, clutching my knees to my chest and just praying for help, rather than worship, if I tried to get up and worship I just found myself stood there, unable to open my mouth and unable to move, I would just sit down again and go back to that familiar position of holding my knees to my chest and crying into my hands.  But this was the first Sunday where I actually began to feel I was becoming “normal” again, it wasn’t the normal way I would worship, but it was an active worship, not crouching at the back in the shadows anymore, if there were tears, they were more of joy than despair.

We had a couple of film nights at home, I would get in sweets and popcorn and get a new DVD, myself and kids would watch the film and tuck in as though we were at the cinema, only in the cinema you’re not really allowed to lay down wrapped in your duvet like we were, but we enjoyed it, after we had done it for the first time, the kids wanted to do it again, they would have done it every night, if I had let them, but we did it a few times and we all loved it.

By the end of the second week of Victoria being away, all those fears of mine of failing and messing up big time were gone.  I surprised myself at how well I coped and began to realise that being a stay at home parent is not as easy as it looks, there’s so much to do each day, it’s not just about sitting down and drinking coffee!

On the last day of Victoria being away it was my 40th birthday, I spent the morning having breakfast with a friend and then went to see the Doctor again.  We chatted for a while and I explained how I was feeling and how I was doing so much better than when we last met, the Doctor was very pleased at the progress, but warned me to stay the course of at least six months, coming off the tablets too early will bring about a relapse, so I agreed to the six months and to come back after that for a review.

That evening at the suggestion of my Connect Group, I took the kids to see Frozen as a treat, I guess even though it was my birthday, the treat was mainly for the kids and how well they had behaved over the last ten days.  I must admit myself and Ben, my Son, both enjoyed the film, even though it was a Disney Princess film, but my daughter who was seven, totally enjoyed it, she sat engrossed in it from the beginning and talked about it all the way home.  She liked it so much so, that she insisted the next morning that she go and watch it again, so I booked her a couple of tickets so she could go with her Mum, who had arrived home in the earlier hours of the morning, I’m not sure she was too pleased to be going, but by all accounts, she enjoyed it too, they must have done, because over the next few weeks they would both go and see it a few more times!

With Victoria back and the Doctor’s pleased with my progress, the pressure was off and I able to relax a little bit.  I was feeling so much better and was actually really pleased with how I had coped, considering all the fears I had beforehand.  Although I still wasn’t sleeping, the Doctor had said it could be a month or so before I got back to regular sleeping patterns, things were going so much better and I felt I was moving forward again, slowly, but I was definitely moving forward.

FALL APART by JOSH WILSON
Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good?
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give you praise
Now it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
They’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to you
And it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when
You will find me when
I fall apart

Verse of the Day – Psalm 37:7

Psalm 37:7

Psalm 37:7

Three weeks without any anti-depressents, it’s been a little up and down and I feel so tired on top of a bad day at work, but for now I rest in him, ready to rise again tomorrow.

HERE I AM ANYWAY by JOSH WILSON
I’m like Moses in the desert
When that bush went up in flames.
You said, “Go and tell your story.”
He said, “God, what will I say?
I’m so scared, unprepared
What difference will I make?”
Sometimes I feel the same.

If it’s weakness that You want,
I’ve got more than enough.
But some days I am so afraid
To show this fragile love.
But I’ll give You all of me
And my insecurities.
God I don’t have what it takes,
But here I am anyway.
Here I am anyway.

God, I’ve got so many questions,
Wonder why You placed me here.
You have given me these passions,
But they come with so much fear.
Sometimes it don’t make sense at all
But I guess if I was brave
Then I wouldn’t walk by faith.

If it’s weakness that You want,
I’ve got more than enough.
But some days I am so afraid
To show this fragile love.
But I’ll give You all of me
And my insecurities.
God I don’t have what it takes,
But here I am anyway.
Here I am anyway.

If You say go (If You say go, if You say go)
I won’t say no (I won’t say no, I won’t say no)
If You say go (If You say go, if You say go)
I won’t say no (I won’t say no, I won’t say no)

Cause it’s weakness that You want,
That’s how You show Your love.
Your power is made perfect,
When we are not enough.

If it’s weakness that You want,
I’ve got more than enough.
But some days I am so afraid
To show this fragile love.
But I’ll give You all of me
And my insecurities.
God I don’t have what it takes,
But here I am anyway.
Here I am anyway.
Here I am anyway, anyway.
Here I am anyway, anyway.

A Journey In Four Songs

I’ve made no secret of how much music has been a part of my life and in particular part of my journey, from a trapped alcoholic to where I am now, messages through the music I listen to have been a vital part of the process.

When I walk I’ve often felt a song has played in answer to a thought or prayer that has been running through my mind at that point.  This morning was a little different, at first I felt one song had begun playing in answer to how I felt at that point, a little on the low side, it was Fall Apart by Josh Wilson, then followed by Becoming Who You Are by Mainstay, these two songs reminded me it’s okay to fail, it’s okay to struggle, God is there for us and as the song says “with every fall you’re just becoming who you are”.  I thought at that point that these two song were the answer to how I was feeling, then a third song played which added to the ongoing response to my feelings, this time Jars of Clay with Weapons, just a reminder that sometimes we don’t need to keep fighting, just let God go before us.  Then finally to complete the story was Our God Reigns by Jesus Culture.

So essentially it was as though I was feeling like I was falling apart, yet being told that’s okay, you can get through this and come out stronger, let God go before you and trust in him, all through four songs.

By the time I arrived at Church, I was once again feeling a completely different person and ready for a fantastic morning at Church once again.

FALL APART by JOSH WILSON
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

BECOME WHO YOU ARE by MAINSTAY
I keep on chasing the wrong things and coming up empty
This isn’t who I’m supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I’m finding each time that you fall, you’re just becoming who you are

WEAPONS by JARS OF CLAY
Lay your weapons down
Lay your weapons down
There are no enemies in front of you

Hallelujah, we can finally see
How the bitterness was bruising on our skin
We didn’t notice that grace had run so thin
Till we’re falling apart and the cracks in our hearts let the truth sink in

OUR GOD REIGNS by JESUS CULTURE & MARTIN SMITH
Our God reigns
Our God reigns
Forever Your kingdom reigns
He reigns, He reigns
He reigns, He reigns
He reigns, He reigns

Simple Trust

Wednesday night was a welcome return to our Connect Groups, the first in some for weeks, I can’t believe how much I’ve missed those meetings, it was so good to be back.

The discussion was about keeping our lives simple and examples of keeping life simple in the Bible.  During our discussion I thought of two instances of simplicity within the Bible, the first example was from Matthew 10 and the instructions from Jesus when he sent out the Disciples.

 ‘Do not get any gold or silver or copper to take with you in your belts – no bag for the journey or extra shirt or sandals or a staff, for the worker is worth his keep.
Matthew 10:9-10

Now that is simple living, don’t take anything with you, just go.

That’s a big command to give to someone, even for the Disciples, take nothing, no money or extra clothes, go and trust!

Then secondly the tribes of the Israelites, wandering the dessert after fleeing from captivity in Egypt,

“Now, this is what the LORD has commanded. Gather as much of it as each needs to eat, an omer for each person for as many of you as there are, each of you providing for those in your own tent.” The Israelites did so. Some gathered a large and some a small amount.  But when they measured it out by the omer, the one who had gathered a large amount did not have too much, and the one who had gathered a small amount did not have too little. They gathered as much as each needed to eat.  Moses said to them, “Let no one leave any of it over until morning.”
Exodus 16:16-19

When the Israelites grumbled about their journey and they’re needs, God provided Manna for them every morning except the Sabbath, they were provided for, every morning they had food for each day, they didn’t need to store it up, they just had to trust it would be there the next day.

That’s the big one isn’t it?  Trust!  They were to trust that everything they needed would be provided, want for nothing, you will have all you need.  Those simple instructions, go take nothing, want for nothing, I will provide, just trust me.

The simplicity is in the word trust, but sometimes that can be the hardest thing in the world.

Since then I’ve had chance to thinl about this two examples, those simple instructions, which essentially is to trust in God.  He wasn’t interested in anything that they had stored up in their lives, their treasures or anything, he was just interested in what was in their hearts, that was all he wanted, not the trappings that we have gathered through our lives.

Just trust in God, that’s all.  That’s something I need right now, a couple of months ago, I focused far too much on those trappings of life around me, now things are just as tight or actually even tighter, but I have to trust that all will be okay and keep my head up and moving forward.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Matthew 16:25-34

SEE YOU by JOSH WILSON
Three months old, hospital bed
Fighting hard for every breath
The doctor says, there’s not much chance
Mom breaks down, oh, once again

And I don’t know how I’m supposed
To see you standing here
Somewhere in this mother’s tears
She cries because her nightmare’s coming true
Maybe my faith’s not that strong
Jesus tell me that I’m wrong
But there’s so much pain in this room
And I don’t see you

Fifteen years, man and wife
All it took was just one night
To break those vows and change their lives
Now they wonder if this is goodbye

And I don’t know how I’m supposed
To see you standing here
Somewhere in these lovers’ tears
Two broken hearts that don’t know what to do
Maybe my faith’s not that strong
Jesus tell me that I’m wrong
But there’s so much pain in this room
And I don’t see You

Sometimes I wanna turn my back
And shake my fist and run so fast
From everything I ever have believed
But on the darkest days I won’t let go
It will still be well within my soul
Even when the answers don’t come easily
‘Cause You said You’d never leave

So I know You’re standing here
You’ve been crying these same tears
You’ve been here all along
So give me strength to just hold on
Until I see you, until I see you
Until I see you, until I see you

It’s Tiring, But I’m Getting There

It’s been another hard week, although I must add it’s been a better week, both mentally and more importantly emotionally it’s been far better and indeed easier.

I’ve been tear free since the last ones that I shed at Paul and Sarah’s on Sunday evening, which is a good thing I guess, five days and counting!

I’m still exceptionally tired and still have so much to do over the coming weekend that it’s hard to get the chance to relax, but hopefully after this weekend things will calm down a little and I can get back to a little bit of normality.

There have been times this week when I’ve felt a little withdrawn, but they have been few and far between. But I have been able to talk also, I spoke with David at length yesterday evening, that helped too.

I took Ben to Amplified this evening, I really enjoyed being back there after a few weeks away, even if I was just too tired to really engage with everyone, but just being there has also been helpful.

It’s been a long day and a long week, work hasn’t been easy, during the week I’ve had to go through ForkTruck training and then the driving test, three days of that wasn’t easy. In a way it was a good distraction from everything else, it gave me something to focus on, but then the pressure from everyone around me at work wasn’t really appreciated either, but in the end I passed anyway.

So hopefully I’ve turned the corner this week, being honest to myself and sharing my issues with friends has been as massive help, it’s brought breakthrough, so note to self, stop running away and hiding everything.

The other morning I was reminded of a quote from one of my favourite films, it’s a great quote:

“Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.”
Clarence Odbody, AS2

FALL APART by JOSH WILSON
Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good?
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give you praise
Now it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
They’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to you
And it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when
You will find me when
I fall apart

Morning Mist

I have a number of days holiday left which need using up before the end of the year, so with a few appointments to make this week, I booked the whole week off from work.  So this morning I woke to clear skies, although it was still dark, at 5.30am I ventured out for a long walk, everything looked good for a great sunrise and the timing should see me reach the lake in time for the sun to rise over it.

Well, that was the plan, but as the darkness subsided, the Newark Mist replaced it, masking the sun and it’s rise.  When I got to the lake there was no sign of the sun beyond the thick mists, the first photo was taken at 6.49am, just the lake shrouded in mist.  I continued along the cycle track for a number of miles, until the mist started to clear and the sun and the moon were both visible in the blue skies beyond the mists.  But as I turned back to come home, it wasn’t long before I walked back into the same mists I had just left, it was Newark just hidden under clouds of mists, again.  A few miles out of town it was quite clear, but Newark, it just seems to hold on to the mist, all day sometimes. Oh well, I’ll just have to try again tomorrow.

6.49am - Newark Mist

6.49am – Newark Mist

7.20am - Breaking Through

7.20am – Breaking Through

7.24am - Through Morning Mists

7.24am – Through Morning Mists

7-.27am - In The Clearing

7-.27am – In The Clearing

7.28am - Beyond The Web

7.28am – Beyond The Web

7.30am - Moon In Clear Blue

7.30am – Moon In Clear Blue

7.38am - Back Into Mist

7.38am – Back Into Mist

7.48am - Hidden Again

7.48am – Hidden Again

8.10am - Still Surrounded

8.10am – Still Surrounded

8.11am - Back In Newark Mists

8.11am – Back In Newark Mists

PUSHING BACK THE DARK by JOSH WILSON
One million reasons why, you shouldn’t even try.
After all you’re just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don’t have what it takes – who are you to make a change?

But oh, oh, don’t underestimate the God you follow.

Whatever you do, just don’t look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don’t lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah.

Whatever you do, just don’t look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don’t lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

(Let your lights all shine…)
Oh, oh, don’t underestimate the God you follow.
He is the light that burns inside your soul,
So keep on shining ’til the whole world knows.

Whatever you do, just don’t look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don’t lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Just keep on pushing back the dark, dark.

Whatever you do, just don’t look back.
Cause somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don’t lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark, yeah

(Let your lights all shine)
When you feel like you’re too small
(Let your lights all shine)
To do any good at all
(Let your lights all shine)
Like a sunrise through the window
(Let your lights all shine)
Like a symphony crescendo
(Let your lights all shine)
We are waking up again, we are rising from the dead
(Let your lights all shine)
We are shining like the stars, we are pushing back the dark
(Let your lights all shine)
Yeah, we are pushing back, pushing back the dark
(Let your lights all shine)
We are pushing back, we are pushing back, pushing back the dark
(Let your lights all shine)
Just pushing back, we are pushing back, pushing back the dark
(Let your lights all shine)