Tag Archives: Kutless

Verse of the Day – Isaiah 54:13

Isaiah 54:13

Isaiah 54:13

Today is my Son’s 13th birthday, I am blessed with two wonderful kids.  At the time when I looked for a way out, the Lord reminded me how much they needed me and in turn I realized how much I needed them and more importantly we all need the Father.

CHILDREN OF GOD by KUTLESS
Perfect love
Came to rescue us
Holy blood
Claimed us at the cross

Now we are forgiven and free
Adopted, and chosen to be

Children of God
Lift up your voice and sing
Wherever you are
Our father is the King

We are forgiven
We are His children
All is (always) forgiven
We are the children of God

Now we wait
We are waiting for that day
We will praise
Our father face to face

Cause we are forgiven and free
Adopted, and chosen to be

How great, how great is our Father’s love
He gave, He gave us His only Son

Verse of the Day – Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

Yesterday I had one of those moments when I let fear become greater than my faith, I became angry with God in a way.  Then last night when I was praying, I heard the word TOIL, as though I was being instructed to keep working hard, in time I will reap the benefits of my toil.

EVEN IF by KUTLESS
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Verse of the Day – Ecclesiastes 7:14

Ecclesiastes 7:14

Ecclesiastes 7:14

In conversation earlier with my Pastor, I was reminded that regardless of what it is I face each day, life is still so much better now than when I first met with Gareth over two years ago.

EVEN IF by KUTLESS
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise 

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Fearing Yet Another Fall!

I know I touched on this subject in my post on Wednesday evening, but it seems like this is something that just won’t go away, a feeling, a thought that just keeps coming back into my head and everyday just checks my movement forward.

I know I’ve written about this some time ago, but back in October last year I had a vision, I was simply sat in my living room one Sunday lunchtime and it played out in front of me, like I was watching a video screen, an image of me climbing some steps, only to be washed away by an on rushing tide of water, as the waters kept flowing some time passed and I watched as I stood again and once more tried to make it up the steps, only to be washed away once more, before the vision disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

Just weeks later I found myself in a pit of depression, swinging from being in a constant state of tears to a state of nothingness, a numbness, vacantly staring into nothing.  It affected my work, in fact it was all I could do to stop myself from walking out of my job, I nearly did on a number of occasions, before I found the courage to explain to my colleagues what was happening.

Even my faith was rocked, I found myself distant and unable to give anything in Church and even spent one evening in my Connect Group, just sat there in tears, unable to explain, unable to connect to anyone, I just didn’t know how to feel or what to feel, I certainly didn’t know how to truly express it to anybody.

That was until I made the decision to see a Doctor, I was put on anti-depressants, that was six months ago this coming Tuesday, my first course of tablets will come to an end, but for now I will remain on them.  Once the tablets kicked in things gradually improved and I began to get back to my old self.  There have been the odd lapse, the odd time where I dipped back into those dark days of November, but on the whole it been better, a lot better.

But over this last month now, this vision which preceded this depression has been on my mind, “Am I heading for the second downfall?”

I just can’t help but feel I am heading for another breakdown of sorts, I find myself constantly praying each day for The Lord to just hold on to me, just for a little while longer, to stop me from falling again.  Some days I find encouragement is His word that everything will be okay, then other days I just can’t shake the feeling that it will all come crashing down again.

I know a couple of weeks back I started to go through my drafts of poems from the last few months, I hadn’t written any for a while and started by finishing some old ones, then over this last week I have written a few new ones.  Many are sparked by that feeling of fear of failure once more, I write for help and then I write what I feel is the response to the poem, it becomes a form of prayer and answer conversation, between me and God.

This morning as we prayed in Church, I had what ran through my head was a prayer in the form of poetic words, I felt I should write it down, remember it, but even just a few hours later, I actually couldn’t remember what it was, I can’t remember any of the words, even though I felt them quite profound at the time.

I wanted to post that prayer in the form a poem this evening, but obviously I can’t, as I just can’t remember what it was that was going through my head and the words I used.

But that said, when I tried to remember it earlier, to start to capture what I had in my mind, but couldn’t, I got a deep feeling, that this prayer had been taken from me, I wasn’t to worry about it any more, it was in hand, it was being answered, all in good time, His time.

Honestly, I don’t know what the next few weeks or months will hold, whether I will be wiped out again or whether my prayers will be answered.  It’s a hard fight sometimes, each day I have to live with the consequences of my past, it impossible to get away from without just upping sticks and moving away to a brand new start and that’s not something I wish to do.

I still have a lot of wrongs to right, in many different areas of my life, I fight on many fronts and it can be tiring, it wears me down from time to time, plus that fear of yet another fall lingers strong.

But for tonight, I’m going to have faith that my prayer of earlier has been lifted from me, that I needed worry about what was wrapped up in those words, it’s all in hand, just carry on everything will be all right.

 GRACE AND LOVE by KUTLESS
Many things in life are hard for me 
Many things can pull us down 
I don’t understand why I do what I do 
How could I take my eyes off you 
After all You’ve done for me 
And after all You’ve done for me 

It’s by Your grace and love I am saved 
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me 
And by that love and grace I’m amazed 
It’s by Your grace and love I am free 
I am free, I am free, I am free 

And it’s by grace and love that I am free 
I’ll live with You eternally 
I thank you Lord that I am free 
I thank You Lord for loving me 
I thank You Lord for dying upon the tree of Calvary 
I thank You Lord for loving me 
I thank You Lord for dying for me 

Because it’s by grace and love I am saved 
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me 
And by that love and grace, I’m amazed 
It’s by Your grace and love I am free 
I am free, I am free, I am free 

Many things in life are hard for me 
Many things can pull us down 
But by grace and love You’ve forgiven me 
And by grace and love we are free 

Verse of the Day – Proverbs 3:24

Proverbs 3:24

Proverbs 3:24

I so remember those dark nights of being unable to sleep, that’s why I drank, to drink myself to sleep and escape.  But now, since that first time that I prayed, I have been receiving the sweetest sleep ever.

EVEN IF by KUTLESS
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Verse of the Day – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

This last week I seem to have been constantly reminded not to get lost in the now, but focus on the journey ahead.

BELIEVER by KUTLESS
I can see thru the laughter
I know you’ve cried your share of tears
But you don’t have to do this by yourself 
You tell me that you feel abandoned
Carrying the weight of all this pain inside
You trust in someone else
But you’re crying out for help

I’m a believer
That He’s strong enough to hold you now where you are
I’m a believer 
In the One who’s always reaching out to your heart
He understands you
There’s not a greater love that you’ll find in this life
I’m a believer in Christ

You’re trying to escape the landslide 
Running from the choices that you’ve made
When will you surrender to His grace
He promises He’ll never leave you
Offering to free you from your past
Cause that’s the sacrifice He’s made
He can be your shelter and your strength

No matter what you’ve done
Or how far you’ve run
There is hope for you
For every broken heart
He’ll meet you where you are
He will rescue you
Let Him rescue you

Bring On Christmas Eve

So this morning I woke completely sober for the 701st consecutive time, all I could think about was when the 1000th SoberDay would be, so I worked it out and it will be on Christmas Eve, which means a double celebration and after last years slightly subdued Christmas period, it give me a real reason to face it positively, which I really couldn’t bring myself to do last December.

So just in case you’re interested, that makes Christmas 300 days away!

I didn’t choose the day I quit drinking, I hadn’t really planned it, I just had that feeling as I followed my usual routine after teaching, as I headed over to the pub it struck me I wasn’t actually enjoying it anymore and if indeed I ddin’t like that first drink, then that would be it, thankfully that last pint tasted bloody awful, the rest is history.

But the first anniversary last March turned out to be on Good Friday and now the 1000th day will be on Christmas Eve, I couldn’t have picked it that way, but it makes it even more special I guess.

This week has been my best week for some time, the deep depression of last November seems to be well in the past and I feel I am moving on again, things are really turning around, my eyes are fixed beyond my current predicaments and firmly fixed on the future.

Having said that, I’m not really looking forward to tomorrow, it’s the first anniversary of my Nan’s death, although I’ve got a busy day ahead, which hopefully will keep me focused, I will drop by her grave in the morning on the way to work.

Tomorrow evening is also my Boss’s stag night, but I have declined to go, even though out of all those at work, I’ve known him longer than any of them.  Since the end of last year I seem to panic when it comes to going out in these situations, it’s not that I can’t be around people drinking, but I really seen to work myself up.  I’ve used the excuse that I can’t really afford it, which is partially true, but the real truth is I just can’t face it.  I’ll speak with him at work tomorrow morning, I’m sure he’ll understand, he’s been very supportive over the last two years, he’s cut me a lot of slack when I’ve needed it.

But then I’m sure I pick up again on Sunday morning, as it will be 100 weeks of attending Everyday Champions Church, another reason for me to celebrate, just try to stop me from being there!

ALWAYS by KUTLESS
Have you not known, have you not heard,
The Lord is an everlasting God, an everlasting God.
Have you not known, have you not heard,
He is creator of the earth, the ends of the earth.

Even the young will stumble and fall,
You are the one that helps me through it all…

You lift me up on eagle’s wings,
I can run and not grow weary,
Always, when I wait for You,
In You I will renew my strength,
I can walk and never faint,
Always, when I wait for You…

Is it not told, not understood,
Since the beginning of all time, the beginning of all time,
Lift up your eyes, behold His great might,
He is the maker of all things, the maker of all things,

Even the young will stumble and will fall,
You are the one that helps me through it all…

You lift me up on eagle’s wings,
I can run and not grow weary,
Always, when I wait for You,
In You I will renew my strength,
I can walk and never faint,
Always, when I wait for You…

When I hope, when I trust, I will find my strength in You.
When I hope, when I trust, I will find my strength in You.
When I hope, when I trust, I will find my strength in You.
When I hope, when I trust, I will find my strength in You.

You lift me up on eagle’s wings,
I can run and not grow weary,
Always, when I wait for You,
In You I will renew my strength,
I can walk and never faint,
Always, when I wait for You…

You lift me up on eagle’s wings,
I can run and not grow weary,
Always, when I wait for You,
In You I will renew my strength,
I can walk and never faint,
Always, when I wait for You…

Always, when I wait for You.

Verse of the Day – Isaiah 12:2

Isaiah 12:2

Isaiah 12:2

For the last 100 weeks, He has been my strength and my salvation and I couldn’t be more thankful.

GRACE AND LOVE by KUTLESS
Many things in life are hard for me 
Many things can pull us down 
I don’t understand why I do what I do 
How could I take my eyes off you 
After all You’ve done for me 
And after all You’ve done for me 

It’s by Your grace and love I am saved 
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me 
And by that love and grace I’m amazed 
It’s by Your grace and love I am free 
I am free, I am free, I am free 

And it’s by grace and love that I am free 
I’ll live with You eternally 
I thank you Lord that I am free 
I thank You Lord for loving me 
I thank You Lord for dying upon the tree of Calvary 
I thank You Lord for loving me 
I thank You Lord for dying for me 

Because it’s by grace and love I am saved 
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me 
And by that love and grace, I’m amazed 
It’s by Your grace and love I am free 
I am free, I am free, I am free 

Many things in life are hard for me 
Many things can pull us down 
But by grace and love You’ve forgiven me 
And by grace and love we are free 

Just A Normal Saturday Morning At Work?

It was certainly an interesting morning, after a night watching the football (or more precisely Wolverhampton Wanderers verses Crawley) with Paul and Ally, it was once again almost midnight before I went to sleep, actually I remember laying down with the TV on and I don’t remember turning it off!

But I woke early from the middle of a dream, this time it was a good dream, I only hope and pray it was more than a dream, but alas it may just remain a dream!

Incidentally when I woke the TV had gone on to standby mode, when I passed out after drinking with the TV on previously I always thought Victoria came in and turned the TV off!  Maybe I have a TV fairy!

But before the wedding I had to work until midday, which is fine, Saturday mornings pass quite quickly, usually anyway.  We always have the radio on in the shop at work, but Saturday morning radio can be full of talking a very little music, so as I have done on a number of occasions I plugged my iPod into the radio and put one some of my music.

Although my colleagues understand that I am now a Christian and know fully about my struggles over the last few years, I don’t discuss my faith with them, it’s a builders merchants, the conversations around me don’t very often revolve around faith, not usually in a positive anyway.

Although I’ve listened to Christian music for many years, way before I even entered my dark years, my music since last April has predominantly been Christian music, previous to that it was a mixture of Rock music, Christian Rock and some heavy rock music, but not too heavy.  My favourites playlist has a range of different artists and song types, extremely diverse, so I put that on rather than my current playlist of Christian music, although all my current playlist are also on that old playlist.

What was of particular interest was what happened when a Christian song came on, in the past I’ve looked across nervously to check if anyone has noticed and whether their reaction is to turn it off, I’ve even rushed across to the iPod and skipped tracks before as soon as I realised what was playing, but today I just left it.  A number of songs came on and it was interesting to see a customer humming along to “Oh Beautiful” by Skyler Smith and Kim Walker-Smith, not a response I was expecting.

Then as I was talking with my work colleague Andy, it was plainly evident that he was tapping along to Better Is One Day by Kutless, if only he really knew what he was enjoying and tapping along to!

There was one point in the morning when the shop was quite busy, but I could hear a song playing that I hadn’t heard in some time, in fact I couldn’t even remember hearing the song before, it was off that old playlist and not my new one, I think I added it just before I changed what I listened to, however, I couldn’t recall the song, but it caught my attention, maybe because of this or maybe because of the words of the song, I moved over to the iPod to find out what it was.

Then I looked up the lyrics of the song, it was by an artist I had not attributed as Christian, a band that I had dismissed over the last 18 months, but now the song was stuck in my head.

There have been many songs that I have received at the right time, obviously Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North is a definite point at which I can say I was sent a song that I had to listen to, a song that spoke the right words at the right time for me.  This time was no different, after the last week, the lyrics were just what I needed to hear, so whilst I’ve been at home between the wedding and the reception later I’ve just had it on repeat and why not, it’s a great song with a great message.

Take a listen, read the lyrics, I hope it encourages you like it has me today.

LOST IN THE WORLD by GREEN RIVER ORDINANCE
Summer rain falling all around you
Washing all the doubts to the bone
In the madness this world, it has created
Don’t forget you are beautiful

IF YOU GET LOST IN THE WORLD, LOST IN THE WORLD
I’LL BE THERE TO FIND YOU
GIVE YOUR HEART AND YOUR SOUL, HEART AND SOUL
FIGHTING TO REMIND YOU
IF YOU GET LOST IN THE WORLD, LOST IN THE WORLD
I’LL BE THERE TO FIND YOU
JUST KNOW I BLEED LIKE YOU, I BLEED LIKE YOU

Someday, somewhere there’ll be a silver lining
Break through wars you’re fighting here
We both know there’s no easy way around
Do you hear my words ringing out?

There’s no higher mountain I would climb
To rid you of the fears that rule your mind
There’s no higher mountain I would climb
For you to see that I am on your side

Walking Into The Wind

So did I regret the 20 mile walk yesterday, did I pay for it, well yes and no.

I thought I would wake up with my muscles screaming at me, but I was in luck, they weren’t but at 4.00am in the morning I could hear the rain pounding on the window, so I decided to have a lie-in, yes a lie-in until 5.30am, so just after 5.30am I was on the road and walking once again.

I was going for the normal 13 mile Sunday walk, up and down Beacon Hill, then down the cycle track to Cotham, but as I started up Beacon Hill, I started to feel the miles in the legs from yesterday, walking up that hill has never felt so hard, it felt harder than the second journey up the hill yesterday, so as I passed the 4 mile mark on the way down I was ready to go home, I had had enough already, so as I walked toward the off ramp of the cycle track near my house I was ready to turn for home, but my feet just kept me going, I somehow continued the walk!

But then the wind got up, I couldn’t be lucky enough for it to be behind me, no it was right in my face, in fact it was in my face in strong gusts for the next five miles up the cycle track, I found myself bent forward pushing on as hard as I could, my music kept me going, it drove me on, that and the knowledge that if it was blowing into my face now, when I returned home it would be pushing me along from behind!

Well I got that wrong as well, when I turned to come home, I took the unusual step of taking a rest on the bench at the side of the track, I was so tired, the walk had been so hard, my friends from Church live across the field from that bench, part of me wanted to walk to their house and ask for a lift home!  But when I set off back the wind died down and although it did push me along for a while it died to a calm breeze, so I walked on home but at a slow pace.  This was a harder walk than yesterday, I would go as far to say it was the hardest walk I’ve taken, but I don’t regret it, not one bit.

When I got home I headed straight for the shower, set it as cold as I could and jumped in, it seemed to do the trick, I can see why athletes jump into an ice bath, it was freezing and took my breath away for a moment, but I stuck with and left the shower refresh and ready for the rest of the day.

There were though a few bright moments along the walk, the high winds blew the rain clouds away and the sun finally showed it’s self.

Escaping

Escaping

Power Lines

Power Lines

Beyond

Beyond

I try to see it as a challenge, when it got hard I wanted to give in, but I didn’t I pushed on, walking on into the wind, it tried to push me back, to turn me around, to make me give in, but I didn’t, I walked on through it, it was hard but I persevered, then I returned home in the calm.

It’s like facing the madness that came my way last month, then it got hard, life got hard and I wanted to give up once again, but I pushed on, I walked through all that was trying to push me back, it was hard but I made it through, to face a calm return to the fantastic anniversaries the ended the month.

I have other storms and high winds to face at the moment, it doesn’t stop there, but more on that later, I will push on through and return home to the calmness.

When you come back home
I’ll be running out to meet you
When you come back home
You’ll find that I’ve never left you
You’ll see every wrong turn every bridge you’ve burned
It’s all forgiven and gone
When you come back home
When you come back home
 (Come Back Home by Kutless)