Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
If we are the servants of the Lord, we have received His word, His wisdom. As His servants we must prove faithful by spreading this great word, this great wisdom, there are those that do not know, those that need to find a way out of where they are.
I was once like that, then one night, someone came and told me of the word of God, since that day my life has not been the same, that night doors opened, light came in and I came alive.
BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY and LACEY STURM Today I found myself After searching all these years And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be I was lost when you found me here And I was broken beyond repair Then you came along and you sang your song over me
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time For the very first time In my life
Make a promise to me now Reassure my heart somehow That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything I’ve a feeling in my soul And I pray that I’m not wrong That the life I have now, it is only the beginning
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time For the very first time It feels like I’m breathing It feels like I’m moving For the very first time For the very first time
I wasn’t looking for something that was more Than what I had yesterday Then you came to me and you gave to me Life and a love that I’ve never known That I’ve never felt before
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time I’m living for the first time It feels like I’m breathing It feels like I’m moving For the very first time I’m living for the first time In my life
Where would this world be if we didn’t have the Lord’s love? Maybe not everyone has felt it, but it is there, there for us all, both the lost and the found.
JUSTICE AND MERCY by FLYLEAF We can’t be oblivious We are not ignorant
Blood in our hearts Blood on our hands
We’re human We reason We’re breathing Protecting You’re living and dying, surviving, we’re trying To breathe in safety Come home safely
Mercy screams its violent love Justice.. And mercy Justice.. And mercy The death of us created for Justice.. And mercy Justice.. And mercy This is where they kiss
Life, here sacrificed Someone who payed the price Blood in our hearts Blood on our hands We cry out, we’re fighting, it’s warfare, we’re dying Believing we’re winning, it’s ending, we’re singing It’s already done We’ve overcome
Mercy screams its violent love Justice.. And mercy Justice.. And mercy The death of us created for Justice.. And mercy Justice.. And mercy This is where they kiss
With a life on the line (the fire..) That consumes or refines (the fire..) To ascend or decline To retreat or to climb Out of sight, out of mind ’til attacked from behind Will this fire.. Consume or refine?
Mercy screams its violent love Justice.. And mercy Justice.. And mercy The death of us created for Justice.. And mercy Justice.. And mercy This is where they kiss
We have hope because of Christ, we have life because of His sacrifice, if we do not embrace the life we have been gifted by that great sacrifice, then we may as well be dead lions.
ALL AROUND ME by FLYLEAF My hands are searching for you My arms are outstretched towards you I feel you on my fingertips My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being Burning I’m not used to seeing you
I’m alive, I’m alive
I can feel you all around me Thickening the air I’m breathing Holding on to what I’m feeling Savoring this heart that’s healing
My hands float up above me And you whisper you love me And I begin to fade Into our secret place
The music makes me sway The angels singing say we are alone with you I am alone and they are too with you
I’m alive I’m alive
I can feel you all around me Thickening the air I’m breathing Holding on to what I’m feeling Savoring this heart that’s healing
So I cry (Holy) The light is white (Holy) And I see you
I’m alive I’m alive I’m alive
And I can feel you all around me Thickening the air I’m breathing Holding on to what I’m feeling Savoring this heart that’s healing
Take my hand I give it to you Now you own me All I am You said you would never leave me I believe you I believe
I can feel you all around me Thickening the air I’m breathing Holding on to what I’m feeling Savoring this heart that’s healed
Sometimes we have to put aside that which holds us down, that which keeps us trapped, that which is the destroyer of our souls.
Five years ago life was changing rapidly, I was now finding a way through that I had never dreamed off, only a week before I was torn between life and death, between holding on and simply giving up on life and everything that goes with it.
But that voice, the voice I later found to be God’s stopped me in my tracks, made me see I had some worth to someone, even if I had none to myself. From that moment chains were snapping, things were changing, a mind set for despair began to see life. That morning after I made a phone call that changed everything for good, last week I described how that single call to my Pastor tore the veil that was shrouding me, the world began to see my pain and more importantly I began to see God.
Two nights later, I prayed for the first time. It had been a long hard day at work, after a nine and half hour shift, I went straight to the architects to do what I thought would only be about an hours work, then home. But they had more work for me than I anticipated and the more I rushed, the more mistakes and the longer it took, I was getting stressed, I had not had much more than three hours sleep over the preceding two nights and I wanted to go home and have a drink, the desperation was returning. I remember thinking to myself it would be fine, on the way home pick up two bottles of wine, drink them both and relax!
After about two hours I finally left, it was gone 7.30pm, over twelve hours since I left home that morning for work, I was tired, irritable and desperate.
I went home, had something to eat, watched some TV and then decided I was bored, so time for bed.
What I didn’t realise was that was almost 11.30pm, but not only that I hadn’t had a drink, I hadn’t stopped off at the shop in the way home, I had gone straight home and what’s more, I don’t remember any of the anguish or desperation that had been there in the preceding weeks. At no point had I paced the house, scratching at the skin on my arms, whilst I tried to resist a drink, there was none of that, but a sense of peace was there.
I turned everything off, laid down, closed my eyes and prayed, I thanked God for that strength to get through without drinking and I asked for the strength to get through each day like that, then I closed my eyes and slept.
Having not really being able to sleep at anytime without a drink over the last few years, in particular the previous two nights, when I woke with my alarm, I realised I had just experienced the most peaceful sleep of my whole life, at that moment I cried as I realised God had heard and answered my prayer, He had brought a peace that is hard to describe, other that absolutely amazing.
By the time Sunday came around, I had only had six pints since the previous weekend, a fraction of what I drank on the previous Sunday and since my phone call, I had brought nothing into my house and had drunk nothing in my house either.
From the previous weekend there was about a third of a bottle of wine left, I had placed it on the top of the fridge. All week I had walked past that bottle, but eventually I began to speak out to it, I told this bottle that it couldn’t have me, it had no power over me, I had a plan for it and as Sunday came around, it was time to action that plan. It was time to say goodbye to some of my past.
I didn’t feel I was ready for Church yet, although I knew that was to be my destiny, but I knew certain things had to be dealt with before I could walk into Church. So I set off into town, I needed the largest plastic container that I could find, yet still carry home.
I brought the container home and began to fill it. Firstly I took all my bedding and put it at the bottom of the box, it all stank of the alcohol I had spilt on it over the years, I had become quite good at falling asleep with an open bottle of wine in my hand, eventually I didn’t spill much, I would wake in the morning with this open bottle, drink the rest and then go to work, that was who I had become, so the smell of sweat and alcohol mixed had to go, I had purchased new bedding, so this was to go.
On top of that I placed the clothes I had been sleeping in, just a tatty tracksuit, a couple of t-shirts and all my worn out underwear and socks, these were the clothes I would lounge about the house in and drink in, like my bedding they had that stale smell of sweat and alcohol mixed, they had to go too. On top of those I added my watch, the fabric strap had the same smell, that had to go with the rest of it.
Then with the box almost full there was one thing left to go in, the last bottle of wine that I had ever purchased, is was only a third full, but it wasn’t going to be drank, this was the plan I had for it all week, to be put in this box and put it away with the rest of my past. I placed it carefully on top of everything else and closed the box. On the box in marker pen, I wrote the date and “This Is Where The Healing Begins”. Then I took the box down into the cellar and placed it with all the other forgotten rubbish we had collected over the years.
The box remains there, five years on.
The Forgotten Box
I honestly don’t remember what prompted me to do this, I cannot remember that actual point that I came up with the idea, it just became a plan that I thought of and put into action. In a way I had to make a symbolic gesture of packing away a part of my life that I didn’t need or want anymore, to make a positive action to say goodbye to the part of me that would lounge around the house drinking, the new me was rising and there was no space in my life anymore for this version of me,it had to be packed away.
I do recall reading a story of a girl in America who gave away a razor blade that she had used to cut herself with to the band Tenth Avenue North, one of their songs had inspired her to quit self harming, so when she met the band she made that gesture, maybe this was what inspired me, I can’t honestly remember, but I knew it was something I had to do.
Four days later, 29th March 2012, I took my last drink, the next morning I woke free, knowing I had made the choice to never drink again, I knew I had the strength now to resist and that I would never have to wake feeling fuzzy ever again, then just a few days later I would walk into the Everyday Champions Church and knew I had found my home.
God had lead me home!
BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY ft LACEY STURM Today I found myself After searching all these years And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be I was lost when you found me here And I was broken beyond repair Then you came along and you sang your song over me
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time For the very first time In my life
Make a promise to me now Reassure my heart somehow That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything I’ve a feeling in my soul And I pray that I’m not wrong That the life I have now, it is only the beginning
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time For the very first time It feels like I’m breathing It feels like I’m moving For the very first time For the very first time
I wasn’t looking for something that was more Than what I had yesterday Then you came to me and you gave to me Life and a love that I’ve never known That I’ve never felt before
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time I’m living for the first time It feels like I’m breathing It feels like I’m moving For the very first time I’m living for the first time In my life
Only when we find God, do we begin to find a sense of who we truly are and who we can be.
THE REASON by LACEY STURM All my life I’ve searched For something To Satisfy The longing in my heart And every time I’d come away… Emptier than before…
And now I finally see The Reason ‘Cause I was made to be yours alone
You formed my heart with your own hands But I just could not understand If I gave you my life I’d be healed by your grace I was made, for your love And gave others your place…
I’d spent my days giving my heart away To anything new Only to ache from the, poison Of my temporary muse
And there were times I’d cry myself to sleep at night Only to wake up, wishing that I didn’t
And now I finally see the reason ‘Cause I was made to be yours alone
You formed my heart with your own hands But I just could not understand If I gave you my life I’d be healed by your grace I was made, for your love And gave others your place
Thank you for never giving up, on me When I looked to everything else And lived, so selfishly You bled, you died To be with me Why would you do Something like that? For someone like me?
And now I finally see The Reason ‘Cause I was made to be yours alone
You formed my heart with your own hands And now I finally understand That I gave you my life And I’m healed by your grace I was made For your love That no one can replace This is it, I won’t miss… Everything I am made for!
For a time my eyes focus on everything that was wrong, all I could see was dark clouds hanging over my life, then the darkness grew within to and my addiction fed it further, but then the light came, my eyes were opened and I found Christ, now that darkness has turned to light and dark clouds to blue skies, but only if I keep my eyes fixed upon Christ.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE by LACEY STURM It’s been hard for me to breathe for such a long time I only stayed so I could hold you, maybe ease your mind I can’t hold you anymore tonight And I feel your heart is breaking as I let go And it hurts me to be leaving but you must know I can’t hold you anymore tonight
When no one else can save you Remember
You’re not alone Beyond the universe Echoes out a promise to us Where the darkness meets the day You’re not alone Close as the two of us Stronger than the pain runs through us You can hear the angels say You’re not alone You’re not alone
When the memories come to haunt you with the sad lie “No one loves you, they all leave you! So why even try?” Let truth hold you in loving arms tonight When you feel like you’re the only one you can trust And it proves a lie when you’re the one who self-destructs Let truth hold you in loving arms tonight
When no one else can save you Remember
You’re not alone Beyond the universe Echoes out a promise to us Where the darkness meets the day You’re not alone Close as the two of us Stronger than the pain runs through us You can hear the angels say You’re not alone
This love will never leave Truth will not forsake Eternal thoughts will keep your heart safe The love will never leave Truth will not forsake Eternal thoughts will keep your heart safe
You’re not alone You’re not alone Beyond the universe Echoes out a promise to us Where the darkness meets the day You’re not alone Close as the two of us Stronger than the pain runs through us
With out God I would have perished so long ago, without Him I am nothing, so in Him I rejoice for the life that I have.
MERCY TREE by LACEY STURM On a hill called Calvary Stands an endless mercy tree Every broken weary soul Find your rest and be made whole Stripes of blood that stain its frame Shed to wash away our shame From the scars pure love released Salvation by the mercy tree
In the spot between two thieves Hung the blameless Prince of Peace Beaten, battered, scarred, and scorned Sacred head pierced by our thorns It is finished was his cry The perfect lamb was crucified His sacrifice, our victory Our Savior chose the mercy tree
Hope went dark that violent day The whole earth quaked at love’s display Three days silent in the ground This body born for heaven’s crown On that bright and glorious day When heaven opened up the grave He’s alive and risen indeed! Praise him for the mercy tree!
Death has died, love has won Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome He has risen from the dead
One day soon, we’ll see his face And every tear, he’ll wipe away No more pain or suffering Praise him for the mercy tree
Death has died, love has won Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome He has risen from the dead
Death has died, love has won Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome He has risen from the dead
On a hill called Calvary Stands an endless mercy tree
Sometimes we think we are strong, we think everything is fine, then suddenly we fall and we cannot understand why. Maybe we just think we can do so much on our own that we no longer need the Father, but ultimately it is He who picks us up and revives us.
RUN TO YOU by LACEY STURM You tell me I’m the one holding you back And something about how far we’re off track Well all I hear is your heart beat loud and strong And I just want to wrap you in my arms
But I’ll let you go, if that’s what you want But I hope you know my love won’t stop You say it’s not true and you call me a fool But call out my name, I’ll run to you
I know you, I know your eyes so well And I know you’re not sure of yourself But something made you restless years ago ‘Til you forgot that I’m part of your soul
But I’ll let you go, if that’s what you want But I hope you know my love won’t stop You say it’s not true and you call me a fool But call out my name, I’ll run to you
I’ve always believed in you You used to believe in me too Remember the day that you turned away It killed me to lose you It killed me to lose you
But I’ll let you go, if that’s what you want But I hope you know my love won’t stop You say it’s not true and you call me a fool But call out my name, I’ll run to you
I’ll run to you, I’ll run to you I’ve always believed in you Run to you, I’ll run to you And ’cause I love you I’ll let you go If that’s what you want But I hope you know My love won’t stop
This video was recorded back in March, just a few weeks before my four year Sober anniversary. For weeks leading up to the recording I would find myself going over and over the story in my head, it had be suggested some time before that I make a testimony video, so I bit the bullet and arranged with Phil to record one, this is the result.
It has been played at all of our Church campuses, but this is the first time it has been shared on-line, I choose to share it now, the 225th week of my sober journey.
I am so thankful for those few days, where darkness turned to light and I felt the touch of God upon my soul, when the bottle fell from my hands.
I have to thank Gareth and Leanne, the senior Pastors at Everyday Champions Church, for not only giving me the chance to make this video, but for being there when I needed a second chance at life, also a big thank you for everyone who has stood by me on the journey so far.
Please feel to share this testimony.
MERCY TREE by LACEY STURM On a hill called Calvary Stands an endless mercy tree Every broken weary soul Find your rest and be made whole Stripes of blood that stain its frame Shed to wash away our shame From the scars pure love released Salvation by the mercy tree
In the spot between two thieves Hung the blameless Prince of Peace Beaten, battered, scarred, and scorned Sacred head pierced by our thorns It is finished was his cry The perfect lamb was crucified His sacrifice, our victory Our Savior chose the mercy tree
Hope went dark that violent day The whole earth quaked at love’s display Three days silent in the ground This body born for heaven’s crown On that bright and glorious day When heaven opened up the grave He’s alive and risen indeed! Praise him for the mercy tree!
Death has died, love has won Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome He has risen from the dead
One day soon, we’ll see his face And every tear, he’ll wipe away No more pain or suffering Praise him for the mercy tree
On a hill called Calvary Stands an endless mercy tree
On a hill called Calvary Stands an endless mercy tree
I have to say that so far this has been the most awesome Easter Day ever, for me it feels like a day of total redemption.
This coming Tuesday I will be celebrating 4 years sober, which in its self is a massive achievement, that I am both proud of and thankful for the strength of God to make it through this far.
But it was the events that led up to that in the preceding weeks, that are first and foremost in my thoughts following the events of today. Eleven days before that last drink, I found myself wanting to end my own life, to give up on everything, I felt so worthless and was convinced that my family and Victoria would be better off without me. I stood facing the mirror with a knife against my wrist, going through all these thoughts of worthlessness.
Then out of nowhere I heard a voice that said “It’s better that your kids live with who you are now, than what they are going to find!”
I remember seeing a vision of myself dead in a bath of blood and knowing that my six year old daughter would have been the one to come looking and find me. After that I put down the knife.
That started the process of seeking help, praying and discovering God, becoming sober and starting to attend Church.
So today just over four years on from that day I had the amazing experience of Baptising my now 10 year old daughter. Eve asked to be baptised so Victoria asked if I could be in the pool and do the actual baptism, which I am thankful I was able to do.
It was an amazing experience and very emotional, afterwards so many people came up to say that they had shed a tear whilst watching. I am so thankful I got that chance to do this for my daughter, it was an amazing experience for her too. She recorded a testimony video which was shown on the screen, she stated she wanted to be baptised because she wanted to do something that Jesus had done!
Eve – waiting
Eve – baptised
For me this feels like I put aside some of my guilt, my torment of what I did and became, the pain of that day four years ago now seems so distant, as I say, it feels like total redemption. To be able to do this and on Easter Sunday, celebrating Christ’s sacrifice and rising from the dead, is so special.
To top it off, my Mum and Dad attended Church. My Dad is now recovering well from his heart bypass operation, he’s still not able to drive for a few weeks, so my friends from my Connect Group chipped in to collect them and take them home. My Dad stated that he usually only goes to Church for weddings, funerals etc, but I have a feeling that he actually enjoyed it, although I’m not sure he was quite ready for the way we do church, neither of them have ever been to a Church like ours before. Although I’ve got a feeling they will be back, they brought my niece too, who went into Kids Church, she absolutely loved it, so I’ve got a feeling she will want to come back too.
So roll on now Tuesday evening, I have arranged for a number of the guys from Church, who have been amazing supporters on my four year journey to join me for a meal in town to celebrate, it’s going to be a great evening, I can’t wait.
My life may not be perfect, but at the moment it feels amazing.
All because of the sacrifice of the one, the one who conquered death.
MERCY TREE by LACEY STURM On a hill called Calvary Stands an endless mercy tree Every broke and weary soul Find your rest and be made whole
Stripes of blood that stain its frame Shed to wash away our shame From the scars pure love released Salvation brought the mercy tree
In the sky, between two thieves Hung the blameless Prince of Peace Bruised and battered, scarred and scorned Sacred Hands pierced by our thorns
It is finished was his cry The perfect Lamb was crucified The sacrifice, our victory. Our Savior chose the mercy tree
Hope went dark that violent day The whole earth ‘quaked at love’s display Three days silence in the ground This body born for Heaven’s crown
On that bright and glorious day Heaven opened up the grave He’s alive and risen indeed Praise him for the mercy tree
Death has died. Love has won! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome. He has risen from the dead.
Death has died. Love has won! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome. He has risen from the dead.
One day soon we’ll see His face And every tear, He’ll wipe a way No more pain or suffering Oh, praise him for the mercy tree
Death has died. Love has won! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome. He has risen from the dead.
Death has died. Love has won! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome. He has risen from the dead.
On a hill called Calvary Stands an endless mercy tree
The Bottom of a Bottle 