Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
Without love and faithfulness there is no way through, the moment I let these slip I start to struggle with life, the only way to get back on track is to set my heart and soul on Him.
BATTLE FOR PEACE by LUMINATE There’s a trench in the floor From my knees, from my knees I’ve prayed for years, I’ve wanted more Down on my knees, on my knees
And I have lost my voice Crying out, crying out Until I hear You speak I’m crying out, I’m crying out
I will fall down, I will fall down I will fall down at Your feet And all this time I was blind I couldn’t see, I couldn’t see
That Your love is never earned Oh, it’s free, it’s free What am I fighting for Is it for peace, is it for peace
How can I stop this war Inside of me, inside of me I will fall down, I will fall down I will fall down, at Your feet
I’m trading this battle for peace I’m trading this battle for peace
Sometimes we are given tasks to do which we just don’t like, we could like many grumble and give it a half hearted attempt or we could throw ourselves fully into it and do it to the best of our ability.
That is what the Lord expects of us, to do it the best way we can, even if we hate it, even if it too hard.
It’s okay to fail, as long as we try the best we can.
NEVER GIVE UP by LUMINATE I’m sick of hearing the same things Sick of all this heartache ’cause it’s everywhere I turn We’re fighting the good fight but we’re tired on the inside Beaten down by all this hurt, it’d be so much easier to run away
But we’ll never give up, no, we’ll never give up When the fear rolls in and the lights go out We’ll never give up, no we’ll never give up When it all falls down, it all falls down
You reign, You are everything, Your love is enough So we’ll never give up, no, we’ll never give up When it all falls down, it all falls down No way, no way, no way
There are times that I trust You, there are times that I blame You ‘Cause the pain’s so hard to take But I’m not gonna try to figure out how You move ‘Cause Your promises don’t change, no
But we’ll never give up, no, we’ll never give up When the fear rolls in and the lights go out We’ll never give up, no we’ll never give up When it all falls down, it all falls down
You reign, You are everything, Your love is enough So we’ll never give up, no, we’ll never give up When it all falls down, it all falls down No way, no way, no way
So bring on the fire, bring on whatever ‘Cause there’s no disaster that You can’t handle
We’ll never give up, no, we’ll never give up When the fear rolls in and the lights go out We’ll never give up, no we’ll never give up When it all falls down, it all falls down
You reign, You are everything, Your love is enough So we’ll never give up, no, we’ll never give up When it all falls down, it all falls down No way, no way, no way
I guess that I have made this prayer and other similar so many times, but God always answers, maybe it’s not always the answer I am looking for, but He always answers.
HEAR OUR CRY by LUMINATE What have I become? What mercy have I shown without Your love? ‘Cause time and time again A broken man, I stand, only on Your love
Hear our cry with our hands lifted high All strength and might comes from You Only You So gentle whisper come, fill these hollow lungs Fill them with Your life Though time and time I fail with bruised and broken hands I’m reaching for Your love I keep on reaching for Your love
It comes from You, my God Only from You, my God All comes from You, my God All from You, my God
Oh, so hear our cry with our hands lifted high
All strength and might comes from You (All power is Yours, God) Oh, hear our cry with our hands lifted high All strength and might comes from You Oh, It comes from You
The only problem with December is it brings with it the dark side of the Christmas festivities, well I guess the dark side of my Christmas was to drink more than I usually would during the rest of the year. Who needs an excuse to drink at Christmas, it’s almost like it a ritual that goes with the holiday. Certainly even before when I worked pretty much full time for the Architects, we would close over the Christmas period and when we were doing well I would get a bonus before we broke up.
Although I used that to get the kids and Victoria presents for Christmas, it would also allow me to pretty much fill the house with booze. We didn’t usually get many visitors, so I wouldn’t really buy for anyone else, all for my own consumption and off course there were the bottles of wine I would buy in specially for Christmas day. When I was off work over Christmas I would probably start drinking during the day and then carry on through the evening too, not at a great pace, not at the pace I eventually was able to drink at, but it was definitely a time to enjoy alcohol.
But since I had had this new job at the merchant’s the concept of Christmas meals was introduced too. The first year I joined in with the other’s, drank whilst we ate and then ventured around town to the various pubs and carried on drinking, eventually turning to shorts, before going home a little worse for wear.
Although before I liked to drink, I didn’t like the atmosphere of the busy pubs in town, especially over the Christmas period, where things were generally more hectic, people had consumed more alcohol and things were more likely to kick off. Thankfully that time nothing kicked off, but I guess I didn’t really enjoy the evening, I just took part because I didn’t want to be left out.
The year after that was my first Christmas sober, it was difficult sitting in the restaurant watching everyone around me drink. Sometimes it’s not the urge to drink that makes it difficult, but when you look and see what people are actually drinking, you’re reminded of how much you actually enjoyed the taste and I guess kind off miss it. Let’s be honest here, I don’t miss all the side effects and mess that drinking brought me too, but I do sometimes miss the taste. Even when I see adverts on TV I sometimes wish I could just taste it again, but I know I can never do that again. That Christmas I stayed for the meal and then went home alone, I didn’t miss the pub crawl and actually enjoyed watching TV with my Son at home more than the meal anyway.
So now December 2013 was moving on and I was still trying to get my head back to some form of normal, the tablets had by now kicked and I was beginning to feel a degree of normality to my mindset, the drawback still was that I couldn’t sleep at nights and would still spend them watching Christmas movies. But having said all that I still felt a better person, much better than I had done just a month before.
This Christmas meal was arranged for a pub in town, which also had restaurant facilities, the meals were booked for a Saturday evening and the usual pub crawl would take place afterwards.
The week before someone at work asked me about my drinking, they asked if I felt I could ever drink again and I said no, I couldn’t trust myself if I did, to that the reply was “that’s because you’re weak!” I was livid, absolutely livid, I tried to laugh it off and walked away, but it was eating away me as I worked, when I walked home it was boiling over, but during the twenty minutes of so it takes me to get home, I started to get over it.
But after that the panic attacks that I had suffered earlier in the year returned, not as severe as back then, but they were uncomfortable, especially coupled with the jittery feelings I was still experiencing.
During the week I began to question whether I really wanted to go, I felt I didn’t, but as it was all booked, I also felt I couldn’t really pull out either. On the afternoon of the actual meal itself the panic got worse. I was so undecided as to what to do, one minute I was adamant that I wasn’t going, then I was going, then not, it went on all afternoon. About forty five minutes before we were due to meet at the pub, I finally made my mind up that I was going, but as before, coming straight home afterwards.
As I generally dislike being late, I was the first to arrive at the pub, so I ordered a coke, stood there looking completely out of place and waited for everyone else, I felt so awkward as I waited. Thankfully I only had to wait about five minutes, but that was bad enough. We went upstairs to the restaurant area and sat down for the meal. I didn’t have to sit near the person who had called me weak, but I did sit opposite her partner. During the evening we spoke about my not drinking and I explained things to him, he totally understood and commended me for my will not to drink.
Despite all of that, I still felt out of place and that I just didn’t want to be there, I couldn’t wait to get out of the place. Then when the conversation around me turned to first politics and then religion, I felt an even stronger desire to get out of there, there’s one guy at work who definitely likes the sound of his own voice and won’t listen to anybody else’s opinions, he will just continue to force his and try to provoke a reaction that he can argue against, it’s was getting a bit like that and in the end I just sat there, talking to no one and hoping that everyone would just finish eating and talking, so they would all leave to go continue drinking and I could just go home.
Eventually their conversations came to a close, everyone had finished eating and the consensus amongst them all was to move on to another pub, that was my cue, thank you all for “a pleasant evening”, but I’m going home and I’ll see you all Monday.
I was so glad when I left the place, I didn’t want to go in the first place, I knew why and everything was pretty much just as I thought it would be, bloody hard work! As I walked home I resolved that that would be the last time I went to the work’s Christmas meal, I wasn’t going next year, wherever my head was next year, no doubt it would be in a better place, but I still wasn’t going to subject myself to all that again, if I didn’t feel comfortable, what’s the point in being there.
I made that decision that night, but I didn’t tell anyone about it until a year later when the discussions about the Christmas meal came around again.
BATTLE FOR PEACE by LUMINATE There’s a trench in the floor From my knees, from my knees I’ve prayed for years, I’ve wanted more Down on my knees, on my knees
And I have lost my voice Crying out, crying out Until I hear You speak I’m crying out, I’m crying out
I will fall down, I will fall down I will fall down, at Your feet And all this time, I was blind I couldn’t see, I couldn’t see That Your love, is never earned Oh, it’s free, it’s free
What am I fighting for Is it for peace, is it for peace How can I stop this war Inside of me, inside of me I will fall down, I will fall down I will fall down, at Your feet I’m trading this battle for peace I’m trading this battle for peace
Some days I approach things with doubt, yet I pray in hope, that’s when the day turns out better than hoped for.
HOPE IS RISING by LUMINATE This is the time for the rising When our souls stand as one This is the time for redemption When all will see You come
This is the time for the healing Where broken lives are made new This is the time for revival When all will bow to You
‘Cause every prison has a door Every captive can be free Every sinner has a hope And hope is rising up in me
This is the will of the maker To see His children made whole This is the will of a Savior To lead His children home
‘Cause every prison has a door Every captive can be free Every sinner has a hope And hope is rising up in me Now hope is rising up in me
Holy Spirit, send Your power ‘Cause only You can save us now Oh Holy Spirit, send Your power ‘Cause only You can save us now
This is the time for the rising Yeah, this is the time for the rising This is the time, this is our time Now is the time for the rising
And every prison has a door Every captive can be free Every sinner has a hope Now hope is rising up in me
Oh, every prison has a door Every captive can be free Every sinner has a hope Now hope is rising up in me Oh, hope is rising up in me Now hope is rising up in me
Every prison has a door Every captive will be free Every sinner has a hope And hope is rising up in me
To love beyond the pain, to love beyond the heartache, to love beyond the anger or to love beyond the resentment, all these test the soul, but I resolve to stay true to His command and walk in love.
THIS IS LOVE by LUMINATE I’m burning inside These thoughts of you control my mind A love I can’t shake as I lie awake tonight This is different from the rest It’s more than a feeling or a second guess ‘Cause I can’t breathe till you’re holding me again
‘Cause this is love, keeping me awake tonight This is love, I can’t free You from my mind ‘Cause I’ve never felt apart Of something greater than myself until now I’m waking up ’cause this is love
I have to be with you ‘Cause I can’t make it on my own My fears are forgotten When I’m standing here with you
So where do we go from here? They say the future’s so unclear But I don’t care, I’ll go anywhere with you I’ll go anywhere, we can go anywhere
‘Cause this is love, keeping me awake tonight This is love, I can’t free You from my mind ‘Cause I’ve never felt apart Of something greater than myself until now Oh, I’m waking up
To a love I can’t deny You are the dawn that breaks the night You have my heart, You have everything ‘Cause this is love
‘Cause this is love, keeping me awake tonight This is love, I can’t free You from my mind ‘Cause I’ve never felt apart Of something greater than myself until now Oh, I’m waking up
This is love, oh This is love, oh ‘Cause this is love ‘Cause this is love
I’m thankful once more for the strength I have received to get through this current trial, strength that allowed me to see the sunset this evening.
MY GOD by LUMINATE Are you lost, my runaway? All is spent, squandered away You’ve had your taste; you’ve had your fill It’s not enough; you’re wanting still He said, My son, if you come home I’ll wrap you in My finest robes And we will dance until the dawn No greater love; you are My son
My God, my God What mercy You have shown to me My God, my God Forever I will sing to Thee
Do you feel broke beyond repair? The crushing weight is too much to bear And with no hope for innocence Who will stand in your defense?
But One has come, to claim His own To fight for you, oh, weary soul The world you fear, a threat no more For Earth will hear the victor’s roar This song will rise, from shore to shore We are free; we’re bound no more And we will dance, and all will know For it’s the coming of my Lord
This song will rise, from shore to shore We are free, where bound no more
