Karate And Me – Part 8 – Becoming The Instructor

KARATE AND ME

PART 8 – BECOMING THE INSTRUCTOR

As 1990 rolled around myself and Darren weren’t left completely on our own in running a karate club, I had just turn 16 and Darren 18, thankfully we had a bit of help from another instructor of a club local to us. Jeff ran the club at Bingham at that time, he would come and train with Alan and when I was able I would go over to his club at Bingham on a Friday evening to train. Alan had asked Jeff to be our advisor and just to help us through, so Jeff would train under us on a Tuesday evening and then teach for us on a Thursday evening, which gave Darren and myself chance to train, I would continue to train at his club on Fridays as and when possible.

I think there are four main types of good karate instructor, yet there are many bad ones.

There is the instructor who has great technique, but lacks the knowledge or personality to convey his message across, he can’t really explain it, you just watch and try to replicate, maybe great for bringing through lower grades, but not always good to give higher grades the knowledge they needed, at this point in my life I think this was about where I was, maybe lacking a little bit in technique though.

Then there is the instructor who is maybe struggling with injuries or older in their years, they lack the technical ability to show the technique the way they want, but can explain the technique is such simple terms that a good student can still learn from. Jeff was like this, he was in his 60’s, both his hips were gone and would in the coming years be replaced, but his knowledge was great, he could spot minor flaws in technique and correct them, I learnt a lot from Jeff, he was a quiet man, but you simply respected him, I owe a lot to Jeff in those early years, I think he taught me how to be an instructor.

There is also the all rounder, this is where Alan fell, he had good technique, very good technique, he had great knowledge which he could convey easily, he could also get that last inch of effort out of you when you really thought you had none left, he was a great instructor, not the greatest technique or knowledge, but still had covered all the bases and could inspire that last drop of energy.

Then there is the instructor who has everything, amazing technique, unequalled knowledge and can get his point across easily and also has that personality that inspires, these guys are few and far between, if you find one, train under them as much as you can and learn everything you can, you’ll love every minute of it.

At that point in my life, I guess I had good technique, I had good knowledge, I just had to get over my shy personality and find a way to put what I knew in to words others could understand without me freezing or looking unsure of myself.

One thing I decided I had to do was get my technique to level I wanted others to do it. I believed that in order for me show the technique and explain it the way I wanted them to do it, then I had to be doing it that way too. I couldn’t correct them on something that they had copied me doing, if I wanted them doing the technique the right way, as far as I was concerned I had to be showing them the right way too. Explaining wasn’t enough, it was all or nothing.

So in a way I became my own teacher, I had to analyse everything I was doing and make sure if I was explaining what I wanted, I was doing it also. It brought my technique on leaps and bounds, I learnt to trust my body to perform the movement the way I wanted it to, if it was wrong it would feel wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I still needed someone like Jeff to run an eye over me from time to time, along with other visiting instructors, I had to keep improving and keep analysing, it was a never ending circle and really, it always should be, we shouldn’t get complacent, shouldn’t think we know everything, nobodies perfect, if I became perfect would there be a reason to carry on training?

In time I would ask my students if they thought they were really knew their Kata for their next grading and could do it well. I know this might sound harsh, but follow me on this one, but they would always answer yes to both questions, so I would respond that they were better than me!

This got a look of consternation from them all, confused, perplexed, how could they be better than me, they looked up to me, parents would say their kids wanted to be as good as me and in truth every instructor should aim for their students to be better than they are, that’s the goal.
But I would explain, that I know the directions of the kata, I know the pattern, but I’m still learning it even now, I may win kata competitions, but I’m not the best in the world, I’m not world champion, I still do not know any of the katas I can do properly, so they should always look to improve, I can do them well, but I still need to study them and do them better, there’s always room for improvement, lots of room for improvement.

Sometimes we have to humble and realise we need to improve, maybe we are trying to help others improve and we are further along the journey in what ever part of life, be it karate or just life in general, then we still need to improve.

I would look at students mistakes and then look back at myself, if I was doing that the. I needed to correct myself and improve, with kids especially it’s a case of monkey see monkey do, even adults would do that to a certain extent, so as an instructor I strove to learn from my students too, you’re never to good to improve or be taught a lesson by your students either.

I found the adults interesting, when older adults came along as new beginners they struggled, we would get very intelligent guys and women come along, teachers, businessmen, all sorts, but they struggled and got so frustrated. I came to the conclusion that they had forgotten how to learn!

I suppose as a kid or young adult, you spend all your time in a learning environment, learning all the time and especially as kids with sports and maybe even young adults in new manual jobs where you are actually training your body as well as your mind, you will find it easier to learn karate. If you haven’t been in a learning environment or done any training where body coordination comes into play you will struggle. Don’t get me wrong that doesn’t stop anybody training, with the right mentality that can and will be over come, but the frustration of some of these guys was plain to see.

We had adults who just could grasp which was their left or right leg, they knew left and right, but getting the to move the right one, as well as say punch or block at the same time was hard work. They just hadn’t been in that kind of learning environment for such a long time and they began to show their frustration, they wanted to train hard and strong, they believed that’s what an adult like them should be doing, but in reality it was the opposite, I tried to get them to slow down, pay attention to their body, to feel their way through and concentrate on the basics, the speed and strength could come later, but no they were like bulls in a china shop, they had to go hard and strong.

Eventually I would get through to some, others we lost in frustration, some just wanted to fight and didn’t understand you have to do the basics first, over and over again, and keep doing it until they were of a reasonable quality and control to allow them to fight. I think people expect to come in and fight straight away, kids want to be ninja turtles or power rangers straight away, like on the TV and films, adults wanted to be like the higher grades straight away, they don’t understand the process to get to the level where they are, it’s a journey, not a quick fix, just like life.

Sometimes we all have to slow down and go back to the basics. Sometimes we all have to look at our life technique and reevaluate it, never be afraid to learn from someone at a different stage of the journey, whether that be ahead or behind us, there are lessons to be learnt from everyone.

BECOME WHO YOU ARE by MAINSTAY
So it seems that I’m wrong ’cause you said that
I would never want for anything again
But my eyes are set low and I’m holding
To the things I know I can’t keep

I keep on chasing the wrong things and coming up empty
This isn’t who I’m supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I’m finding each time that you fall
You’re just becoming who you are

So it seems that I’m wrong ’cause I keep on
Searching for the answers that I don’t need
I know I don’t need

I keep on chasing the wrong things and coming up empty
This isn’t who I’m supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I’m finding each time that you fall
You’re just becoming who you are

Becoming who you are
You’re just becoming, just becoming
You’re just becoming, just becoming

I keep on chasing the wrong things and coming up empty
This isn’t who I’m supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I’m finding each time that you fall
You’re just becoming who you are

I’m finding each time that you fall
I’m finding each time that you fall
We’re finding each time that you fall
You’re just becoming who you are

Under Blood Red Skies

This morning, despite a problem with my hip, which I will explain in another post, I managed to get out walking again this morning, no inner arguments or excuses, today marks a new start and a new season, so it was time to get walking again, spending time with God and it was a great walk, I came home with numerous ideas for posts I would like to draft, so over the next week hopefully I can get to them.

There wasn’t a great sunrise this morning, but the rising sun did turn the clouds a deep red, at times blood red and at others a fiery red.

Under Blood Red Skies

When I looked at the skies I was reminded of two verses, firstly from Matthew 16.

He replied, “When evening comes, you say, ‘It will be fair weather, for the sky is red,’ and in the morning, ‘Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast.’ You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times.  (Matthew 16:2-3)

Where Jesus has been asked by the Pharisee for a sign from heaven, he talks about the saying which we are all taught at young age, although I know it as…

Red sky at night shepherds delight, red sky in the morning shepherds warning.

But having said that most of the time I find this to be wrong, I have many times walked under red morning skies and found the day to turn out to be great.  When I walked under this sky this morning, I was as far away from the lake as I could be on my walk and wished I had been at the lake to capture the reflection of the clouds upon the lake too.  That started my thinking about a story from the Old Testament that has always intrigued me, this time the signs were definitely interpreted incorrectly.

Now all the Moabites had heard that the kings had come to fight against them; so every man,
young and old, who could bear arms was called up and stationed on the border.²² When they
got up early in the morning, the sun was shining on the water. To the Moabites across the
way, the water looked red—like blood. ²³ “That’s blood!” they said. “Those kings must have
fought and slaughtered each other. Now to the plunder, Moab!”²⁴ But when the Moabites
came to the camp of Israel, the Israelites rose up and fought them until they fled. And
the Israelites invaded the land and slaughtered the Moabites.  (2 Kings 3:21-24)

The Moabites just got it wrong, they simply saw the reflection in the water and saw what they wanted to see, not the reality of the situation, they simply saw the sky in the water and jumped to the completely wrong conclusion and this lead to their destruction.

By this time my mind was thinking back to a number of things from last weekend, starting with my poem, Faded Mirror.

FADED MIRROR

I’ve been looking in the faded mirror
The face I see I do not like
I don’t see the one You see

When I see ugly
You see only beauty

When I feel old
You call me child

When I feel alone
Your arm reaches around me

When I see failure
You proclaim my victory

When my scars begin to show
You wipe away my guilt

Forget that old faded mirror
Who I see is not who I’m made to be
Because You created me for greater things

I wrote this partly out of how I have been feeling at times over the last year, but mainly out of deep memories of some of the lowest moments of my life, the times when I looked deep into the mirror and saw only a life not worth living.

As an addict looking back, I guess you never really see the signs of who you are at the time, they’re easy to see now, but when you’re deep in this cycle, while your addiction does everything it can to hide it from those around you, it hides itself from you also.

But there were moments of strange clarity, painful clarity, when you knew who you were, but had no control of how to free yourself.  For me these moments came on Thursday evenings and Sunday afternoons, when I was alone in the house and was forced to stay sober as I had karate later.  I never drank before karate, maybe one pint or so, but never so I couldn’t carry out my duties, I drank after karate, but somehow this was the only thing I really kept sober for.

But being alone in the house brought out my most sinful nature, then I would go to get ready for karate, probably take a bath, but whatever would find myself in the bathroom, facing into the mirror with a penknife in my hand, questioning why I existed at all.

At those moments of sinful guilt, so many thoughts of how I was just a wreck of human being and not worthy of a place on earth, dark thoughts ran through my head, telling me it was time I just ended it all.

EVERYONE WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF I WAS DEAD!

I’M JUST THROWING EVERYTHING AWAY, I’M NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE!

I’M JUST A WASTE OF A LIFE!

IF I’M DEAD THE SYSTEM WILL PROVIDE FOR THEM, BECAUSE I CAN’T ANYMORE!

And so on and so on….

These dark thoughts ran through my head over and over again, there was no light only darkness and death of a life not worth living anymore.

But as the tears fell, there came just one thought that put an end to it all…

“THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN, THEY’RE BETTER OFF WITH YOU AS YOU ARE,
THAN LIVING WITH THE MEMORY OF WHAT THEY’RE GOING TO FIND IF YOU DO THIS!”

Then I knew that my daughter, who then would only be about five or six when all this was happening, would probably be the first person to run up the stairs to look for me, she would find me in the laid in a bath of my own blood.  Oh yes, I had planned it all, cut the wrists, then get in the bath and just wait to die.

But this one thought that I still had two little people that needed me, even like this, broken me, I put down the knife and turned away from the mirror, darkness lifted for a while, until the next time that is, oh yes, there were plenty of next times, but every time the same process, alone, sober, the knife, the darkness, the dark thoughts, then the “think of the kids”, the same cycle every time.

But the worst feeling then was the feeling of nothingness that followed, the hatred for oneself, the self loathing, the limbo I found I was in.

I WAS TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO LIVE AND TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO DIE!

I hated that feeling, it hurt, it was painful, it was as though I didn’t belong anywhere anymore.

Somehow I always managed to get in the bath, wash away those feelings for a while and go and do what I needed to do at karate, then afterwards ply myself with as much alcohol as I could.

The last time this happened was the day before I started this journey, the day before I called Gareth and put in place the changes in this life that would see me find God, stop drinking and start a journey I never thought I would ever take.

In that mirror, the reflection I was seeing was a lie, a deception, the darkness was telling me I wasn’t worth it, those voices in my head lied to me, now I know what was happening each and every time.

Over all the dark thoughts that wanted my death, a single voice shouted louder, a whisper in the ear which was heard within the heart not just in the head, a whisper from God saying hang on, there is a life worth leading here, just hang on.

Last weekend a friend from Church, who descended into a depression around the same time as I did last year, discussed how this depression brought him to attempt to take his own life, to cut his wrists, he said to everyone that maybe they wouldn’t understand, but he felt God was holding his wrists, keeping him safe.  Maybe many couldn’t comprehend that, but I could, because I now know that I could never get my hands to move in those moments, I know now that my wrists were being held safe too, I know God held my wrists and whispered in my ear, He did this for me and I didn’t even know Him back then, but He did it anyway.

It seems that like those Moabites, who saw a reflection that deceived them to their death, I saw a reflection that deceived me, I didn’t see what God saw, I saw a life not worth living, He saw one with a great future, I saw a life that was waste to the world, He saw a life that was needed by others.

That day, when I last found myself with that knife in my hand, facing the deception in the mirror, I gave that knife away, I left it on Victoria’s beside table, with a note saying “I don’t need this anymore”.  Though this last time was painful, I felt that nothingness of a life in limbo, afraid to live and afraid to die, I knew that this time it was different, I didn’t know then I was going to call Gareth the next morning, I had asked Victoria to ask if I could speak to him, but I didn’t know what was going to happen, even if I had his number, I doubted I had the strength to actually call him, all I knew was that this cycle wasn’t going to happen again, it couldn’t, this time I thought….

If I couldn’t kill myself, then maybe it’s time to start living.

But that said, when I fell into a depression last year, I had moments, bad moments, moments when death seemed better than living.

At my lowest moments, I didn’t want to go upstairs into the bathroom and cut my wrists, no I saw myself, carving words into my arms, I always saw myself cutting the words “I WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH” deep into my arms, yet once again, as the vision played out, the thought that once again, my young daughter would be the one to look and find me, shut down this thought process, for a while at least, until the next time anyway.

Through November and December, I had trouble sleeping, I just couldn’t sleep, I would lie in bed, pleading with God, not praying, pleading with God not to let me wake up in the morning.  If this was life, I didn’t want to live it.  I wanted Him to take me to heaven now, because I felt nothing here on earth.  Night after night I pleaded to fall into a sleep I would never awake from, because I felt so empty.

I don’t think I have ever told this to anyone, not even my Connect Group or my closest friends at Church, I guess I am ashamed of this memory, ashamed that after everything the Father did for me, I was letting Him down.

He warned me I would fall, He showed me that in a vision, then He showed me that I shouldn’t run away from Him either.  Although I never ran away, I did doubt Him, I argued with Him, I fought Him, I ignored Him, I let Him down, yet He never left my side.

Someday’s I still look in the mirror and feel I’m still “NOT ENOUGH”, but I guess that we all feel that sometimes, I let the mirror deceive me still.

But something changed this weekend.

This time last year, I started my descent into depression, it pretty much started on the week before I went to our Church’s Unleash Men’s Getaway, there I realised I was falling and got the vision of being swallowed by a whale, God was telling me not to runaway, there I began the process of discussing how I was feeling with friends, so I had support as I walked into the deluge that was to wash me away over and over again.

This weekend saw this year’s Unleash Getaway, but this year over the weekend I got the overwhelming feeling that God was telling me, that what started here on this weekend last year, ends this year, my sins are forgotten, the battle, the struggle is over, now it’s time to start walking with Him again.

Which is why, despite the hip pain, I was determined to start walking again this morning and I loved every second of it, the pain faded as I walked in the presence of God.

 YESTERDAY by MAINSTAY
Watch my mind grow legs and wander
What did I expect to find out here, out here?

I am only halfway here tonight
Say that You can take this off of my mind
Every time I go back I realize
That yesterday is never as good as it seems

I’m lost in the feelings that I thought were gone
Come in and make all of their light fade out, it fades out

I am only halfway here tonight
Say that You can take this off of my mind
Every time I go back I realize
That yesterday is never as good as it seems

Oh, make their light fade out
Oh, make their light fade out

I am only halfway here tonight
Say that You can take this off of my mind
Every time I go back I realize
That yesterday is never as good as it seems
Yesterday is never as good as it seems

A Journey In Four Songs

I’ve made no secret of how much music has been a part of my life and in particular part of my journey, from a trapped alcoholic to where I am now, messages through the music I listen to have been a vital part of the process.

When I walk I’ve often felt a song has played in answer to a thought or prayer that has been running through my mind at that point.  This morning was a little different, at first I felt one song had begun playing in answer to how I felt at that point, a little on the low side, it was Fall Apart by Josh Wilson, then followed by Becoming Who You Are by Mainstay, these two songs reminded me it’s okay to fail, it’s okay to struggle, God is there for us and as the song says “with every fall you’re just becoming who you are”.  I thought at that point that these two song were the answer to how I was feeling, then a third song played which added to the ongoing response to my feelings, this time Jars of Clay with Weapons, just a reminder that sometimes we don’t need to keep fighting, just let God go before us.  Then finally to complete the story was Our God Reigns by Jesus Culture.

So essentially it was as though I was feeling like I was falling apart, yet being told that’s okay, you can get through this and come out stronger, let God go before you and trust in him, all through four songs.

By the time I arrived at Church, I was once again feeling a completely different person and ready for a fantastic morning at Church once again.

FALL APART by JOSH WILSON
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

BECOME WHO YOU ARE by MAINSTAY
I keep on chasing the wrong things and coming up empty
This isn’t who I’m supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I’m finding each time that you fall, you’re just becoming who you are

WEAPONS by JARS OF CLAY
Lay your weapons down
Lay your weapons down
There are no enemies in front of you

Hallelujah, we can finally see
How the bitterness was bruising on our skin
We didn’t notice that grace had run so thin
Till we’re falling apart and the cracks in our hearts let the truth sink in

OUR GOD REIGNS by JESUS CULTURE & MARTIN SMITH
Our God reigns
Our God reigns
Forever Your kingdom reigns
He reigns, He reigns
He reigns, He reigns
He reigns, He reigns

Back In Training

It’s been a long and tiring day, ironically I’ve spent all day in Wellingborough, which is the site of our other Church Campus, but unfortunately I never made it to Church at all today, due to karate commitments.

For the first time in a year I attended one of our association’s National courses, I was due to attend one last December, but at the last moment I chickened out, at the time I was just getting used to my Anti-Depressant medication, I didn’t feel up to it back then, so when this course came up, I decided it was time to get back to training.

So three hours of training, after not doing any training at all since last November and only a few teaching sessions in the months in between.  In all honesty I felt okay during the first two hours of training, apart from cracking my thumb, again, and the hips being a little stiff, I went okay.

Unfortunately, when you partner off with someone who is a lot less experienced than you are, there is always a danger of an injury, indeed he panicked a little at the speed of my punches and instead of managing a block, he managed to elbow my thumb, nice!

The last hour was kata training, well here is my speciality, plus it tends to be a lot lighter and more technical, so a good way to ease down, WRONG!

The problem is, it is my speciality and I am current National Champion, that means there is no hiding place and indeed there wasn’t.  The instructor, my former squad coach, pulled my out to demonstrate on a number of occasions, where I was happy to take it easy at the back, I was placed in front of all the other students to demonstrate the movements, well whilst you are in that position there is only one way to do it and that’s as hard, as fast and as technically correct as you can.  After the first time my legs were like jelly, but there was still no hiding, I was called out again and again.

Despite the aches, that in itself is a major compliment, Sensei Adel has that much faith in my ability to use me as an example, he has always supported me and even through the last few years, he has been very encouraging.  We chatted after training and I explained what’s been happening over the last few months, he let me know he is always there to talk to if I need to.

I spoke with a number of people who are aware of my struggles over the last few years and discussed the last few months, it’s seems though that I’m not the only one, there were a couple of other people, who I would never have suspected, that admitted to me that they had recently started a course of anti-depressants too, I guess only by being strong enough to admit it do you realise you aren’t the only one who is struggling through life.

It’s been a good day, I hate to miss Church, but it is only a few times a year and it has renewed my enthusiasm for karate again, over the last few months that has been waning a little with everything that has been going on, but remembering I still have some great friends in karate that are supporting me all the way is very comforting.

BECOME WHO YOU ARE by MAINSTAY
So it seems that I’m alone ‘cuz you said that
I would never want for anything again
But my eyes are set low and I’m holding
To the things that I know I can’t keep

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty
This isn’t who I’m s’pposed to be
I keep on running the hard way
From every mistake
And I’m finding each time that you fall
You’re just becoming who you are

So it seems that I’m alone ‘cuz I keep on
Searching for the answers that I don’t need
I know I don’t need

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty
This isn’t who I’m s’pposed to be
I keep on running the hard way
From every mistake
And I’m finding each time that you fall
You’re just becoming who you are

Who you are
We’re just becoming, just becoming

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty
This isn’t who I’m supposed to be
I keep on running the hard way
From every mistake
And I’m finding each time that you fall
You’re just becoming who you are

(I’m finding each time that you fall)
Who you are
(I’m finding each time that you fall)
You’re just becoming who you are

Sometimes I Still Hear With Blind Ears

No, you have read the title correctly, I do mean blind ears, trust me as I try to explain.

This was from a line that came to me this morning, a line of poetry that was going around my head as I walked to Church, the problem is I can’t remember the rest because this line had me perplexed.  I was intrigued by the line, what did I mean, did I get it wrong, surely I meant blind eyes or deaf ears, but as I reasoned with it, I worked out I was right, I meant blind ears, I had them once before and from time to time I get them again.

When I was struggling, when work was scarce, money tight and my alcohol problem was beginning to take a grip that I couldn’t control, life was slowly falling apart around me but I was oblivious, just stuck in a never ending cycle that I couldn’t get out of.

But now when I look back at those years and what was going on in my life, I can identify times when I now know that God was speaking to me, through music, through Victoria and through people who came into my life that I now count as friends and counsellors.  But at the time I didn’t recognise it, I just carried on with my descending cycle into darkness.

It’s not that I didn’t hear, I wasn’t deaf, the messages were there, but I was in that place where words weren’t enough, I had to see also, if I heard about God and Jesus, well I wanted to see it before I believed, that was my opinion, I had to see it, words alone were not enough and as my ears couldn’t see, I ignored it and carried on with my descent.

Since I turned to God, accepted Jesus as my saviour and turned this life around, I have had some profound experiences with God, experiences where He spoke directly into my life, on all those occasions I didn’t need to see, I didn’t need eyes to experience God, just belief.

But from time to time I still find I need to see to believe what I hear, I still have blind ears, my brain won’t process it without viewing it first, yet I know what I have experienced, but still I find it hard to believe and hold faith sometimes, probably more so in the last few months.

So I know It’s time to get back to keep praying about the things in my life and keep believing and having in faith that those prayers will be answered, not in my time, but in His.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFQrD0O5vwU

BELIEVE by MAINSTAY
I don’t know if I still have
the strength to get up again
I don’t know if I can face my own reflection
Jesus, take this heart that feels
So cold again, and make it new
I hold this hope inside
that you’ll never leave me

When all around me starts to fall,
And when my faith it seems so small
Even in my darkest hour, I will believe

I don’t know how I could turn
my back and walk away
All I really want is for your love to hold me
Jesus, take this heart and make it whole again
I know you’ll never leave me

When all around me starts to fall,
And when my faith it seems so small
Even in my darkest hour, I will believe

Even if the sun begins to fall,
Even when I feel nothing at all
Even if I’m all alone, I will believe

When all around me starts to fall,
And when my faith it seems so small
Even in my darkest hour, I will believe

If I Don’t Like The Taste

It was Thursday 29^th March 2012, eleven days earlier I had put the blade down and had taken my last taste of wine at home, and just ten days previous I’d met with my Pastor to work out a path for the rest of my life.

The night of 19^th March 2012, Gareth had passed me the Wind Up Torch, it was now up to me take that torch, to keep it charged, to light up the steps to a better life with God, but this night 29^th March 2012 things would take a massive leap in the right direction, it was mind over matter and the battle to see who would win was just about to begin.

I finished my karate class at 10.00pm as usual, got changed and started to walk over to the pub next door with one my students, but this night I had a plan, I had a plan for the future.  As I walked over I made my mind up, this was it, I wasn’t going to hide this thought, I had to say it, I had to tell someone in order to believe in it.

So I told my student that I was going to have a pint of cider, but as I hadn’t really liked the taste of it in the last ten days, that if I did not like the taste of that first pint, then that would be it, that would be the end, I would never drink again.  Did I believe in this thought, did I believe I had the will power to go through with it, I really don’t think I did, but once you put it out there, made a public statement, even to just one person, there is more of an onus to act on those words.

Well the long and the short of it is, I went to the bar ordered a pint and went to sit down, with apprehension I picked up the glass, it was strange, but I felt a will in myself to deliberately not like it, even if I did my mind was telling me I just did not want to enjoy that drink.  Well the taste did absolutely nothing for me, there was no relief at that first drink, like there normally would be when I’ve waited over 20 hours since my last drink, I just didn’t like it, I didn’t want it anymore.  So I finished the drink and later went back to the bar.  This time I ordered a different drink, the same drink I’ve been drinking ever since, lime cordial and soda, it tasted great, I didn’t need the alcohol, I felt good about myself for once.

So 29^th March 2012, the date for my sobriety, the date I gave up my demon, the date that chain fell, I wasn’t totally free just yet, there was and is still a long way to go.  There would still be trials to face, my drinking had destroyed my health, my relationship, my finances, my self esteem, pretty much everything I had, I had fallen so far into drinking to escape my worries, that I lost myself, I lost who I was, in turn I came close to losing all I had, but this day would be a new start, a day to start fighting hard, a day to start recovering, a day to start rebuilding, towards a journey to being REBORN.

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty
This isn’t who I’m s’pposed to be
I keep on running the hard way
From every mistake
And I’m finding each time that you fall
You’re just becoming who you are
(Becoming Who You Are by Mainstay)

So I am now truly:

FIGHTING HARD, RECOVERING, REBUILDING, REBORN