Tag Archives: MercyMe

Broken By A Dream

Broken By A Dream

I know I have been here before, I’ve had bad dreams before, reoccurring dreams that in some way get you every time.  But this one is beyond reoccurring, it tortures in a way that messes with the mind.  I know that I am not the only who suffers from these, I have read many recovering alcoholics write or talk of the same dreams, feel the same pain, anguish and guilt.

When I dream in this way the guilt runs through me hard, when I first wake I can’t get my head around the true reality, usually within minutes I can get my head around it, not today though.

These dreams, dreams where I see myself drinking, alone or with others, but nonetheless drinking, where in the dream there is a moment of realisation and then the guilt hits, that is usually when I wake.  In waking it’s like the dream continues, it hard to tell the difference between the dream and reality.

I used to get these fairly regularly, every couple of months or so, but in the last year I have only suffered from one of these, that was some months ago, over the years they come less and less, generally easier to deal with too.

Before I have even got up and walked around my room and even the house to check that there are no empty bottles, no evidence that the dream was actually real.  Once I have satisfied myself it was all a dream the guilt and the sense of panic goes.  For a while I may feel guilty, like I’ve thrown it all away, but usually within minutes this subsides, I get my head straight and carry on to face the day.

But not today.

The early panic hit when I awoke from my dream. But this was different, I couldn’t shake the feeling that although I may not have drank last night, but that I had definitely drank at some point during the last seven and half years.  Though in my heart I know that I haven’t, that I haven’t thrown anything away, my mind kept telling me I had.

After a while it all settled down, I seemed to get my head straight and move on, as before.  Then I got up to get ready for church, I stood in the shower and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I was so short of breath, my chest was pounding and everything went numb.  I have had panic attacks before, I know how they feel, but never this severe, this relentless, I stood paralyzed beneath the running water, I couldn’t move, only struggle for breath and cry.

Eventually, I got myself out of the shower, but I was shaking, I don’t know how long I was in there, must have been at least ten minutes.  But the panic attacks kept coming in waves, I would struggle for breath, cry for a while and then it cleared, only to follow the same cycle.

I forced myself out of the house and on empty legs made it to Church.  During the walk, the panic kept coming, not as severe, but bad enough.

Then once I got there, I just stood there shaking, until someone spoke to me.  From that point onwards, I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t breathe again, I broke down to my friend Richard and explained it all.  We went to one of the quiet rooms upstairs to talk about it and gradually I began to calm down and come back around.  Over the course of the morning, I spoke with Richard and few close friends, ones that know and understand my story and also know of these dreams, they all offered prayers and support.

It’s hard to explain these dreams and feelings to others that have no experience or reference point to compare.  The killer is the guilt, it makes me feel like I’ve let everyone down, like I failed myself and in turned failed my friends and the Lord Himself.

I can put my hand on my heart and swear I have not touched a drink since Thursday 29th March 2012, for two thousand, seven hundred and forty seven days, I have kept the beast at bay.

Today it did not want to stay caged anymore, if it couldn’t make me drink,
it was out to destroy my mind, my heart and my faith.

I’m working it all out, I’m gradually getting my head around it, it was after all just a dream, but I guess it has triggered something deeper inside.

I feel for too long I’ve held everything within, I know I have in my own way been struggling for at least twelve months, I’ve tried to push through on my own, without bothering anyone else, but you can only push so far alone.  Today I think was the day when it all had to come out.  A few things have been troubling me over the summer, I’ve tried to deal with them and just get on with it, but I think today it all became too much, today it hit the surface.

I have friends coming over later to chat, friends I know I can be genuine with, explain it all, they probably know my story, my fears and my struggles better than anyone else, they know of my past experience with these dreams, I know this can only be a good thing.

I haven’t written too much in the way of stories or articles in the last year or so, I have put all my hurt and struggle into my daily poems, but never fully addressed them.  In a poem I can touch on a subject without getting into explanations, maybe I hide behind them sometimes, but I write them with a truthful heart, sometimes with the pain, sometimes the hope and sometimes the fear, but I still understand I have been hiding and now is the time to stop, to be honest.

In being honest, I know I will help myself deal with this guilt and maybe help others understand that maybe they aren’t the only ones that feel this way too.

I started this blog exactly seven years ago today, maybe the time is right to get back to what I started to do when I began this blog, talk about exactly how I feel.  I’m going to continue with the daily poems, but I am also going to start writing like this again too, maybe once a week, maybe once a month, but I am definitely going to write more and deal with my feelings again.

Time to stop hiding.

THE HURT AND THE HEALER by MERCYME
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say it’s over now

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Verse of the Day – Genesis 2:1-3

Genesis 2:1-3

Genesis 2:1-3

The Father of Creation, the maker of the universe, the maker of the moon and stars, the maker of the sun and the earth, made each one of us also, He loves us like all His creations.

ALL OF CREATION by MERCYME
Separated until the veil was torn
The moment that hope was born
And guilt was pardoned once and for all

Captivated but no longer bound by chains
Left at an empty grave
The sinner and the sacred resolved

And all of creation sing with me now
Lift up your voice and lay your burden down
And all of creation sing with me now
Fill up the heavens let his glory resound

Time has faded and we see him face to face
Every doubt erased forever we will worship the king

And all of creation sing with me now
Lift up your voice and lay your burden down
And all of creation sing with me now
Fill up the heavens let his glory resound

ohh ah ohhh…ohh ah ohhh

The reason we breathe is to sing of his glory
And for all he has done praise the father praise the son and the spirit in one

And all of creation sing with me now
Lift up your voice and lay your burden down
And all of creation sing with me now
Fill up the heavens let his glory resound

And all of creation sing with me now
Lift up your voice and lay your burden down
And all of creation sing with me now
Fill up the heavens let his glory resound

And every knee will bow oh and every tongue
Praise the father praise the son and the spirit in one

Verse of the Day – Psalm 100:4-5

Psalm 100:4-5

Psalm 100:4-5

In the tougher times it can seem so hard to lift our head and give thanks and praise.

I find that maybe sometimes I am not loud with my praise or dancing like many others, though I may seem quiet in those harder times, I still give thanks for who I am and what He has given me.

The times may be hard, but He always goes through them with me, never abandoned, always guided, it can be a long hard road, but it leads to brighter places and stronger times.

FINISH WHAT HE STARTED by MERCYME
I don’t have to know you
To know that you will go through hard times
It’s just part of life
Don’t let that moment blind you
And don’t let it define you
Take heart, that’s not who you are

Our God is able, more than capable
To be faithful to the end
He’ll finish what He started

No matter what you’ve done
Grace comes like a flood
There’s hope to carry on
He’ll finish what He started
No matter what you face
His mercy will not change
He’s with you all the way
He’ll finish what He started

Remember you’re forgiven
So there’s no need to give in
To the lie that you’re disqualified

Our God is able, more than capable
To be faithful to the end
He’ll finish what He started

No matter what you’ve done
Grace comes like a flood
There’s hope to carry on
He’ll finish what He started
No matter what you face
His mercy will not change
He’s with you all the way
He’ll finish what He started

This work He started in you now
He’s faithful to complete it
The promise was sealed when He cried out
It is finished

He’ll finish what He started

No matter what you’ve done
Grace comes like a flood
There’s hope to carry on
He’ll finish what He started
No matter what you face
His mercy will not change
He’s with you all the way
He’ll finish what He started

He’ll finish what He started

Verse of the Day – Psalm 89:1-2

Psalm 89:1-2

Psalm 89:1-2

I have tried to keep singing my song, even in the darker moments of life, when the future looked bleak, despite what my mind told me, I knew I had to keep singing and praising the Father, even though the words were hard to find at times, I kept singing.

EVEN IF by MERCYME
They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad
I’ve stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it’ll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can’t

It’s easy to sing
When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well, good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Verse of the Day – Matthew 6:13

Matthew 6:13

Matthew 6:13

Far to often do we hear the whispering lies of the evil one in our ears, it’s easy to be draw to it, so let us pray that the Lord will deliver us from his lies once and for all.

DON’T GIVE UP ON ME by MERCYME
Will You find me no matter where I am
Will You forgive time and time again
I feel like a child wondering
It’s hard to believe, to comprehend
That You would love me in the state I’m in

When I’m falling
When I’m falling down
When it’s all stripped away
When my world comes crashing
Crashing down
Will You still be with me

Who am I You’d even say my name
Within the same the same breath as grace
You cross every bridge I have burned
You reach for me when it’s undeserved

When I’m falling
When I’m falling down
When it’s all stripped away
When my world comes crashing
Crashing down
Will You still be with me

Oh don’t give up on me
Oh don’t give up on me

Be still I’ll never leave you
When you’re far I am near
My grace will always be greater
Than the sum of all your fears

Be still I’ll never leave you
When you’re far I am near
My grace will always be greater
Than the sum of all your fears

When I’m falling
When I’m falling down
When it’s all stripped away
When my world comes crashing
Crashing down
Will You still be with me

Oh don’t give up on me (don’t give up, don’t give up on me)
Oh don’t give up on me (don’t give up, don’t give up on me)
When I’m falling down (don’t give up, don’t give up on me)
You don’t give up, don’t give up on me
 

Verse of the Day – John 14:21

John 14:21

John 14:21

To truly love, is to obey and trust, this is the true love we should show Christ, after all Christ shows us a love we could never receive anywhere else.

IN CHRIST ALONE by MERCYME
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied –
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine –
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.
 

Verse of the Day – Deuteronomy 7:9

Deuteronomy 7:9

Deuteronomy 7:9

So many times I have prayed and wanted to see the immediate results, to wake and find that which I prayed for is there before me.  It has been over time that I have found that God’s timing is perfect, I have found patience in the waiting, learning to trust in Him, because He is our faithful God.

FINISH WHAT HE STARTED by MERCYME
I don’t have to know you
To know that you will go through hard times
It’s just part of life
Don’t let that moment blind you
And don’t let it define you
Take heart, that’s not who you are

Our God is able, more than capable
To be faithful to the end
He’ll finish what He started

No matter what you’ve done
Grace comes like a flood
There’s hope to carry on
He’ll finish what He started
No matter what you face
His mercy will not change
He’s with you all the way
He’ll finish what He started

Remember you’re forgiven
So there’s no need to give in
To the lie that you’re disqualified

Our God is able, more than capable
To be faithful to the end
He’ll finish what He started

No matter what you’ve done
Grace comes like a flood
There’s hope to carry on
He’ll finish what He started
No matter what you face
His mercy will not change
He’s with you all the way
He’ll finish what He started

This work He started in you now
He’s faithful to complete it
The promise was sealed when He cried out
It is finished

He’ll finish what He started

No matter what you’ve done
Grace comes like a flood
There’s hope to carry on
He’ll finish what He started
No matter what you face
His mercy will not change
He’s with you all the way
He’ll finish what He started

He’ll finish what He started
 

Verse of the Day – Proverbs 3:21-22

Proverbs 3:21-22

Proverbs 3:21-22

My life is littered with mistakes, I am sure most of them felt right at the time, but these choices lacked wisdom and understanding, they led in directions I should never have gone.  Now I try to have that wisdom, that understanding to ask the question, is this right?

Maybe if I listen for the answer, I will get it right.

YOU KNOW BETTER by MERCYME
You’d think I’d know by now
Who’s running the show
And what really matters.
But I keep picking a fight.
With “letting go”
And keep getting hammered

It’s a knock down.
Drag out.
Oh and I am face down.
For the count.
And I’m reminded.
I’m not the one in control.

I know You know better so
Why don’t I go whenever
You say come follow wherever You lead.
So won’t You help me

Would You wake me up
And make me aware
Of what You are doing.
And from my point of view
It’s not very clear
Where this is going

But it’s Your call.
Help me understand.
It’s not how I fall.
But where I land.
So I’m reminded
I’m not the one in control.

I know You know better so
Why don’t I go whenever
You say come follow wherever You lead.
So won’t You help me

Whatever You have in store.
Whatever I am in for.
I want to trust You more and more and more…

Oh oh oh oh, You know better
Oh oh oh oh, You know better

And I know You know better so
Why don’t I go whenever
You say come follow wherever You lead.
(I know You know better so)
I know You know better so
Why don’t I go whenever
You say come follow wherever You lead.
So won’t You help me
I know You know better
I know You know better…

 

Verse of the Day – 1 John 3:20

1 John 3:20

1 John 3:20

There are so many times that my heart condemns me, I’m thankful I can turn to the Lord and find peace.

GREATER by MERCYME
Bring your tired
Bring your shame
Bring your guilt
Bring your pain
Don’t you know that’s not you’re name
You will always be much more to me

Every day I wrestle with the voices
That keep telling me I’m not right
But that’s alright

‘Cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed
When others say I’ll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world

Bring your doubts
Bring your fears
Bring your hurt
Bring your tears
There’ll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed

Every time I fall
There’ll be those who will call me
A mistake
Well that’s ok

There’ll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn’t matter
‘Cause the cross already won the war
He’s Greater
He’s Greater

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how He sees me
And it makes me love Him more and more
He’s Greater
He’s Greater

Verse of the Day – Romans 15:4

Romans 15:4

Romans 15:4

There are things I pray for regularly, things I still hope can be put right, sometimes as each day passes I lose my hope for these things and become discouraged, but then I find a word or vision which reminds me to stay steadfast and wait upon the Lord, lifting my spirit and my hope.

GLORIOUS by MERCYME
The worlds shaking, with the love of God
Great and Glorious, let the whole earth sing
Let it sing

The worlds shaking, with the love of God
Great and Glorious, let the whole earth sing

And all You ever do, is change the old for new
And people, we believe that…

God is bigger than the air I breathe
And the world we’ll leave
God will save the day, and all will say
My Glorious, my Glorious

Clouds are breaking, heavens come to earth
Hearts awakening, let the church bells ring

And all You ever do, is change the old for new
And people, we believe that…

God is bigger than the air I breathe
And the world we’ll leave
God will save the day, and all will say:
My Glorious, my Glorious
My Glorious, my Glorious
My Glorious, my Glorious
My Glorious, my Glorious
My Glorious

God is bigger than the air I breathe
And the world we’ll leave
God will save the day, and all will say:
My Glorious

God is bigger than the air I breathe
And the world we’ll leave
God will save the day, and all will say:
My Glorious, my Glorious
My Glorious, my Glorious
My Glorious