Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
I’ve just come across this song this evening, I believe it’s absolutely amazing and thought I would share it.
NO LONGER SLAVES by BETHEL MUSIC, JOHNATHAN DAVID HESLER & MELISSA HESLER You unravel me, with a melody You surround me with a song Of deliverance, from my enemies Till all my fears are gone
I’m no longer a slave to fear I am a child of God
From my mothers womb You have chosen me Love has called my name I’ve been born again, into your family Your blood flows through my veins
I’m no longer a slave to fear I am a child of God
You split the sea So I could walk right through it All my fears were drowned in perfect love You rescued me So I could stand and sing I am child of God
Son, I’ve heard your call and I’ve sent you words Although you will not know And though you will never see But you will hear them I’ve wrapped them up for you in song I know that you will listen and even sing along You’ll know not why But you will praise my name For now I send to you these words To hold onto in the darkest nights Until the times comes For the true light to be revealed
A few days ago I picked up my journal from last year, this time last year everything seemed to be going dark, I’ve never been that way before, never felt so distant from the world. Even in the midst of my deepest drinking, I never felt so low.
I guess in a way, the drinking just masked those feelings. There was no doubt I had my low points in the last few years of my drinking, you don’t find yourself repeatedly holding a knife to your wrist without being low. But the ability to turn to your comfort zone of getting slowly drunk, alone, was the way out of feeling that way, there was always a way to control those feelings or so it seemed. That’s the thing, you’re not really controlling those feelings, just hiding them deep inside, at sometime it all has to come to the surface.
Back in March 2012 those feelings were brought to the surface with a bang and that’s when this amazing journey started. Quitting the drink was the start of journey of self discovery and a walk with the God I had previously dismissed.
There were some early struggles, fighting the urges to turn back to that comfort zone, especially when the withdrawals kicked in, that little voice inside that said all this can be taken away if you drink again, seemed to get louder and louder, it took some real strength to get through some hard days, strength I found through prayer, not my own strength.
But as the weeks and months passed, everything seemed to be going fine, some ups and downs, but as my journey went along, the more I seemed to grow.
Then as October came around last year, I began to struggle and by this time last year, I was a mess. I had never felt that way before and thankfully, since. I found I would just break out crying for no reason, I didn’t know why, I didn’t even know how to feel.
I would find I would become lost, just staring out into nothingness, then I would come back into myself and not know where I was, which wasn’t very convenient at work. I struggled to sleep and found myself praying at night, that if I did sleep, not to wake in the morning, because I just didn’t want to feel this way anymore.
In the middle of all this, my manager at work decided to put me through my forklift test. I couldn’t tell anyone at work what was happening, I was doing everything I can to hide it all, cracks were being to show, but everyone was too busy to really notice.
Any other time I would have been happy to take the training and the test, but what bothered me most was that I was struggling to concentrate on anything and these moments where I would find myself drifting off. The last thing I wanted was to go into one of these moments whilst operating a fork lift. After all, I don’t even drive, I’ve never taken a driving lesson or sat behind the wheel of a car in my life, nevermind a forklift.
After two days of training, it came time to take the test, with the watchful eyes of my work colleagues looking on too. But I found a way to get through the test, to keep my mind on what I had to do and ultimately to pass the test without any problems, it came through the words of a song.
When you walk into the room
Everything changes
Darkness starts to tremble
At the light that you bring
And when you walk into the room
Every heart starts burning
And nothing matters more
Than just to sit here at your feet
And worship you
We worship you
Every time I felt doubt, I sang this song to myself, somehow it kept me in the now, rather than drift off to place I didn’t need to be going. I had recently come across the Bryan & Katie Torwalt song and found some peace through it, I’m not sure why this was the song that came into my head when I needed it, but I’m glad it did, it brought me comfort and clarity when I needed it most, it reminded me of where I had previously found the strength to get through.
Once again a song became my comfort when I needed it, so many times along this journey have the words of a song inspired me in my low times, so many times I have been spoken to by the words of a song when I needed it. When I look back to the three years before I quit drinking, when my habit and my problems were at their worst, there were songs that were speaking to me then, although I didn’t know it.
WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE ROOM by BRYAN & KATIE TORWALT When You walk into the room Everything changes Darkness starts to tremble At the light that you bring When You walk into the room Every heart starts burning Than just to sit here at your feet
And worship you
We worship you
We Love You, and we’ll never stop We can’t live without You, Jesus We Love You, We can’t get enough All this is for You, Jesus
When You walk into the room Sickness starts to vanish Every hopeless situation Ceases to exist When You walk into the room The dead begin to rise Cause there is resurrection life In all You do
We Love You, and we’ll never stop We can’t live without You, Jesus We Love You, We can’t get enough All this is for You, Jesus
Come and consume God All we are We give You permission Our hearts are Yours We want You We want You
Come and consume God All we are We give You permission Our hearts are Yours We want You We want You
Come and consume God All we are We give You permission Our hearts are Yours We want You We want You
Come and consume God All we are We give You permission Our hearts are Yours We want You We want You
We Love You, and we’ll never stop We can’t live without You, Jesus We Love You, We can’t get enough All this is for You, Jesus
So it’s day one without the anti-depressants, which coincides with my 851st SoberDay. So far it’s been okay, a few headaches as the day went on, but other than that it’s been pretty good, although it will be too early to tell.
This morning on the way to work I had one of those moments of inspiration and support. As I do every time on the way to work, I stop by my Nan’s grave and pray. Obviously today I prayed for support today, for help to get through the next few days as I try to get through without the anti-depressants, I know it won’t be easy and I know I will need His strength to get me through.
I always leave me headphones in and the music on quietly when I pray, so as I finished my prayer and started to walk away, the song changed in that instant. Now I’ve experienced this before, where no sooner than I’ve finished my prayer, the song changes and brings comfort. Well this happened again this morning, usually though the song is from a Christian artist with a strong Christian theme, this time it was a little different. It was not a song which inspired from start to finish, not even a song by a Christian artist, it was only a part of the chorus that seemed to speak to me, the song itself seemed loader than usual and the chorus even loader, I couldn’t ignore it.
Light up, light up As if you have a choice Even if you cannot hear my voice I’ll be right beside you dear
I have to say I have heard this song so many times over the years, it’s a great song, but never before has it put me on the verge of tears. This sort of thing happens quite often to me, I can hear a song I have heard time after time and suddenly this one time, it resonates with how I am feeling and provokes a strong emotional response, just like this morning.
I still know this will be a rough few days, maybe weeks, but I know I can get through it, because He is right beside me.
RUN by SNOW PATROL I’ll sing it one last time for you Then we really have to go You’ve been the only thing that’s right In all I’ve done
And I can barely look at you But every single time I do I know we’ll make it anywhere Away from here
Light up, light up As if you have a choice Even if you cannot hear my voice I’ll be right beside you dear
Louder louder And we’ll run for our lives I can hardly speak I understand Why you can’t raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes Makes it so hard not to cry And as we say our long goodbye I nearly do
Light up, light up As if you have a choice Even if you cannot hear my voice I’ll be right beside you dear
Louder louder And we’ll run for our lives I can hardly speak I understand Why you can’t raise your voice to say
Slower slower We don’t have time for that All I want’s to find an easy way To get out of our little heads
Have heart, my dear We’re bound to be afraid Even if it’s just for a few days Making up for all this mess
Light up, light up As if you have a choice Even if you cannot hear my voice I’ll be right beside you dear
I must admit I had never heard of Brady Toops until yesterday evening. As you will know on YouTube you have suggestions down the right hand side of the page, when I was selecting a song to go with a post yesterday evening, I saw this song listed.
Normally I don’t bother clicking on any of these, I just select the video I want and then shut it down, but for some reason I clicked on this song. I absolutely loved it the first time I heard it, it’s such a great song. I downloaded the album version, but I think this version is so much better, it’s worth a listen.
O FOR GRACE by BRADY TOOPS Oh for grace to lay down all my dreams in Him be found O for faith to keep it true and never stop believing you
And when it’s strong or when it falls through Oh lord to know my answer is you
And oh for love to trust some more to fix my eyes on heaven’s shore And for hope with every step every word my every breath
When it’s strong or when it falls through Oh lord to know my answer is you
For your light I lose my all, cause I’m not staying here, I’m moving on So give me strength to hold on tight through stormy gales ‘til morning light
When it’s strong or when it falls through When it’s strong or when it falls through When it’s strong or when it falls through Oh lord to know my answer is you
Over the last few days I’ve written a few times about my fears and thoughts on the vision that I witnessed back in October.
There have been a few things this week that have helped to calm this fear, together with a number of other things this week that I’ve managed to get under control.
But this morning I had one of those moments which put my mind at complete rest. Once more it was in the form of a song that I’ve heard dozens of times, but this morning the song rang out with words which spoke to me in my current predicament.
Even when the rain falls Even when the flood starts risin’ ‘Cause even when the storm comes I am washed by the water
There have been so many times I’ve been spoken to via my music, not just since I found God, but before also, but this morning this song did just what I needed it to do.
WASHED BY THE WATER by NEEDTOBREATHE Daddy was a preacher She was his wife Just tryin’ to make the world a little better you know, shine a light
People started talking Just to hear their own voice Those people tried to accuse my father said he made the wrong choice
Though it might be painful You know that time will always tell Those people have long since gone My father never failed
Even when the rain falls Even when the flood starts risin’ ‘Cause even when the storm comes I am washed by the water Even when the rain falls Even when the flood starts risin’ Even when the storm comes I am washed by the water
Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet Even when the ones I love, turn around and crucify me I won’t never ever let you down I won’t fall I won’t fall I won’t fall as long as You’re around me
Even when the rain falls Even when the flood starts risin’ ‘Cause even when the storm comes I am washed by the water Even when the rain falls Even when the flood starts risin’ Even when the storm comes I am washed by the water
Even when the rain falls Even when the flood starts risin’ ‘Cause even when the storm comes I am washed by the water Even when the rain falls Even when the flood starts risin’ Even when the storm comes I am washed by the water
Sometimes the words we need to hear are said but not heard, I spent so much time hearing the Truth, but stuck in the seemingly never ending circle of an addiction you never seem to take things in, you carry this “I’m alright, it’s everybody else” attitude, you believe they are the ones with the problem and really you just wish they would go away, leave you alone.
For me these words were not just coming from those close to me, but also in the form or music, it’s no secret that music has formed a large part of my everyday life, it’s very rare I go anywhere without my headphones on.
About eighteen months before I began to really struggle, I started listening to Christian artists, I’m not sure why or how, but I liked the music and actually began to gravitate towards that as opposed to secular music, but still I never heard the messages within the words, the Truth still passed me by.
Now I rarely listen to anything other than Christian artists. I have certain songs that I listen to if I feeling a certain way, some songs to match a mood or simply for inspiration.
Since New Year when I put together a number of bible verses to go with the empty wine bottles that remained in my cellar, I’ve been choosing a verse each day, dependant on how I feel, I search for something to go with my feelings, whether I need inspiration, strength or for gratitude and praise, I search for a verse and place it onto one of the photo’s I’ve taken over the last year, then of course I add a song to the post and a brief thought to go with the verse. All of these images with verse I have saved in a folder on my laptop. A while back I set my screen saver to scroll through these images.
Now from time to time I find myself just looking at the laptop as the screen saver scrolls through the numerous verses, there is nearly always one that pops up that gives me a lift, that bit of inspiration, simply put it must be the best screen saver ever!
I try not to let these words pass me by anymore, I spent too much time letting the Truth just breeze by, rather than stop, listen and take it.
WHAT IF I MADE A MISTAKE? by STEPHANIE SMITH There’s a gentle guiding in my gut It shows me the way out when I’m in a rut This time it led me to my knees Instead I chose to do as I please Now I think it is too late
What if I made a mistake? What if I heard you but I ignored you How many tries will it take? What if I made a mistake?
Oh the steady burning in my heart It gave me direction right from the start This time I took the long way around Until I found myself face on the ground I guess it is never too late
What if I made a mistake? What if I heard you but I ignored you How many tries will it take? What if I made a mistake?
It’s real relentless and it won’t let me go I can’t fight this, this dirt on my soul It’s relentless and it won’t let me go I can’t fight this, this dirt on my soul
What if I made a mistake? What if I heard you but I ignored you How many tries will it take? What if I made a mistake?
What if I made a mistake? What if I made a mistake? What if I made a mistake?
The new Jake Hamilton album was only released earlier today, I started to listen to the full album this evening, but after hearing the title track I couldn’t listen to anything else, I’ve had it on repeat ever since.
BEAUTIFUL RIDER by JAKE HAMILTON How beautiful is the rider on the white horse How beautiful is the lamb that was slain How beautiful is the rider on the white horse Worthy is your name. Worthy is your name.
Our only hope was wrapped in hay Our Fathers promise to show the way He lived to set the captive free And died to live inside of me He is Savior He is Lord Emanuel The living word
How beautiful is the rider on the white horse How beautiful is the lamb that was slain How beautiful is the rider on the white horse Worthy is your name. Worthy is your name.
There’s a man who’s wrapped in light With eyes of fire burning bright With feet like bronze and a blinding glow A golden sash and hair like snow He is King and he is judge He is mercy and he is love
How beautiful is the rider on the white horse How beautiful is the lamb that was slain How beautiful is the rider on the white horse Worthy is your name. Worthy is your name.
Your a Lion, Your a lamb Your a Lion, Your a lamb Your a Lion, Your a lamb And all creation bows before you
Your a Lion, Your a lamb Your a Lion, Your a lamb Your a Lion, Your a lamb And all creation bows before you
Your a Lion, Your a lamb Your a Lion, Your a lamb Your a Lion, Your a lamb And all creation bows before you
Your a Lion, Your a lamb Your a Lion, Your a lamb Your a Lion, Your a lamb And all creation bows before you
These days I’m getting used to waking up at random hours in the morning, it’s become the norm for me. Like many I guess one of the first things I do, especially in these days of smart phones, I check my social networking accounts.
Usually it’s Twitter or WordPress then maybe Facebook, although to be honest I don’t spend much time on there these days, I only check to see if I’ve become a target for more veiled attacks from people I once called friends.
I’m aware of late I haven’t been responding to any comments on my blog, to be quite honest I’ve been posting, but not really interested in my blog of late, I’ve not been too positive over the last few months, which is not what I set out to be. I haven’t been visiting many of my followers either,interactive blogging has been a chore and one of many things that have slipped over the past weeks.
But one comment this morning has breathed a bit of new life into my blogging life. When I checked my interactions this morning I had a notification to approve a comment, not from a fellow blogger, not even one of my recent posts either, but from a search which found a post of mine from back in March.
Back in March just three days after my Nan died the song that I wanted as a tribute to her I couldn’t find on YouTube to go with a post about her, so I made a lyric video for the song Mama by Flyleaf.
So I was amazed this morning to find a comment from Lori Mosley, the Mother of Lacey Sturm, the former lead singer of Flyleaf. Not only that but Lori wrote and sings the last part of the song.
I still find it unbelievable that in this day and age of technology, that not only does my blog and testimony reach out across the world, but it was also found and commented upon by the Mother of someone I admire and respect, in fact for nearly two years Flyleaf’s song All Around Me was the ringtone on my phone.
That got me thinking again though, that was way back in autumn 2008, at the time I was far from a Christian and thought that the song was about a relationship, now when I hear it I understand that yes it’s about a relationship, but one with God (although I still want to answer my phone we it comes on). There are many Christian songs I listened to before I was saved, many I heard and never understood, that’s all changed a little bit now. Music is a big part of my life and Christian and inspiring music is something I listen to a lot, especially when walking. My current favourites aren’t hard to spot, they tend to accompany my recent posts, over the last few months the music of Jesus Culture and associated artists has been my go to music when I’m low and in need of lifting, but the music of Flyleaf and other artists still make up my regular daily playlist.
Thank you Lori for your kind comment and encouragement, I really appreciate it, as I do all the comments I receive, I read them all and appreciate everyone of them, thank you all so much.
As things improve each day and I feel more positive as each one passes, maybe I can get back to the more positive and hopefully inspirational posts.
ALL AROUND ME by FLYLEAF My hands are searching for you… My arms are outstretched towards you I feel you on my fingertips… My tongue dances behind my lips for you This fire runs in through my being… Burning… I’m not used to seeing you
I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I’m breathing Holding on to what I’m feeling, savoring this heart that’s healing
My hands float up above me…. And you whisper you love me And I begin to fade… Into our secret place The music makes me sway… The angels singing say We are alone with you… I am alone and they are too with you
And so I cry… The light is white… And I see you…
I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
I can feel you all around me, Thickening the air I’m breathing Holding on to what I’m feeling, Savoring this heart that’s healing
Take my hand I give it to you Now you own me , all I am.. You said you would never leave me I believe you, I believe… I can feel you all around me thickening the air I’m breathing Holding on to what I’m feeling, Savoring this heart that’s healed
I make no secret of the fact that music forms a large part of my life, over the last few years I have received many messages through music. And even though I may not have heard the messages at the time, there were many songs in those dark years of mine that only now can I hear the message to me within the words.
I listen to a lot of music and nowadays it’s predominately Christian music or songs of some inspiration. Many times over the last 20 months has the right song played at the right time, lifting my spirits or breaking me to tears.
In fact often when I’m walking and things just don’t seem quite right, I just ask for a song to give me a lift, almost always the next song, if not a song after that, does the job.
Yesterday was a little different, when I set off for Church, I was tired after being awake since 4am, apart from half an hour’s nap, plus I think I was still carrying a little of last Sunday’s painful memories, the long and the short if it was I felt a little empty, something just wasn’t right.
So I prayed for a sing to lift me, but strangely it was one which I expected, what played was a song called “Worthless” by A Thorn For Every Heart, a little strange I thought.
Now I’ve listened to this song so many times, it’s a good song, but I have to say I’ve never really heard the lyrics, but yesterday they did speak to me and into my situation, it was almost exactly the way I was feeling last week and of course at the beginning if this journey, it summed up my feelings, this was a little hard hitting.
The next two songs didn’t really lift me, but they were telling a story, my story, firstly “Headlights” by The Classic Crime and then “Enemy” by Newsboys.
I didn’t realise until I prayed last night about what I was hearing on that walk, but when I asked I then understood, only then did I fully appreciate the last song I heard as I walked to Church, “The Becoming” by Jenny Simmons.
There is not a lot more to say, this song says it all.
THE BECOMING by JENNY SIMMONS After the destruction In the wake of every storm The sun reveals the suffering And all I’ve known is gone Well I can take the rising waves But when I’m washed up on the shore Feeling just like driftwood And nothing makes sense anymore
Jesus meet me Be everything I need In the waiting In the in between Jesus, hold me And keep me from running Cause I don’t want to miss The beauty of becoming
Something new is growing I can feel it come alive In the dead of winter Spring is on the other side
Jesus meet me Be everything I need In the waiting In the in between Jesus, hold me Keep me from running Cause I don’t want to miss The beauty of becoming
Give me beauty in the ashes of this pain Give me water in the wasteland, let it rain As I wonder, in the darkness, be my guide Oh Creator, oh Redeemer bring new life
And Jesus Be everything that I need In the waiting In the in between Jesus, hold me Keep me from running Cause I don’t want to miss The beauty of becoming No, I don’t want to miss The beauty of becoming
