Tag Archives: NeedToBreathe

Poems Or Prayers

Earlier on in the year I seemed to have a barren spell with regard to poetry, I had the odd idea or lines, but couldn’t put anything together, very often I would forget them before I could even record them or if I did write it down, I just couldn’t get it to work, many times I just left everything half finished.

When I first started out trying my hand at poetry, I was very insecure about it, I was trying different things, different ideas, maybe trying too hard to form ideas with which I wasn’t particularly comfortable with, but gradually my poems formed into two areas, either covering my recovery from alcoholic to redeemed or just simply how I felt at the time.  I left behind just trying to make things out of my comfort zone and just seemed to write from the heart, rather than trying to force something out for the sake of it.

When things got a little dark towards the end of last year, then so did the poems, they were directly from where I was at the time, raw, but also real.

Then as I say things dried up, not that I wasn’t comfortable with what I was trying to write, I just couldn’t get my head into what I was trying to say, although I was in a good place mentally, I guess there was a period of drifting with things a little, maybe a time to not put too much pressure on myself after such a period of fighting so many things from my past.

Then a few weeks ago, I got the urge to finish all those half started poems, all those from the end of last year and earlier this year, everyone that was started was finished, some needed more thought than others, but when I picked them up again, they fell into place rather easily.

The response to some of my recent works have been extremely positive, not only in what I have written for myself, but that others have found comfort in the words also.

Some of the response to my poem Walk With Me on Sunday got me thinking yesterday morning as I walked to work, where do these words come from, are they mine?

As I have already stated, I tend to now write in two ways, about my journey or how I’m feeling.  But more often than not when I write about how I’m feeling, it tends to turn into a question and answer session between myself and God, it seems like I write out what is essentially a prayer I’m saying within my head, then I end it with answer from God to what I’m asking or how I’m feeling, simply….

I PRAY … GOD ANSWERS

When I write about my journey, particularly those early days when I came from the dark drinking, suicidal being, to move into the light and start a new walk, I feel I’m being reminded that whatever it is I feeling, however low I’m feeling or how hard I feel things are, that I just have to remember the miracles of those early weeks and what was done for me then, that if I can come through that, then how much more can I come through.

I can honestly say that I don’t feel insecure about writing poetry any more, now I see what I write as so much more.

HOW CAN YOU BE INSECURE ABOUT A CONVERSATION WITH GOD.

So, I guess I will keep writing, keep trying to inspire myself and hopefully others.

MULTIPLIED by NEEDTOBREATHE
Your love is like radiant diamonds,
bursting inside us, we cannot contain.
Your love will surely come find us, 
like blazing wildfires 
singing your name.

God of mercy, sweet love of mine,
I have surrendered to your design.
May this offering stretch across the skies,
these hallelujahs be multiplied.

Your love is like radiant diamonds,
Bursting inside us, we cannot contain.
Your love will surely come find us,
like blazing wildfires 
singing your name.

God of mercy, sweet love of mine,
I have surrendered to your design.
May this this offering stretch across the skies,
these hallelujahs be multiplied.

(Multiplied, Multiplied, Oh Multiplied)

God of mercy, sweet love of mine,
I have surrendered to your design.
May this this offering stretch across the skies,
these hallelujahs be multiplied.

These hallelujahs be multiplied.

Your love is like radiant diamonds,
bursting inside us, we cannot contain.
Your love will surely come find us,
like blazing wildfires singing your name. 

Washed By The Water

Over the last few days I’ve written a few times about my fears and thoughts on the vision that I witnessed back in October.

There have been a few things this week that have helped to calm this fear, together with a number of other things this week that I’ve managed to get under control.

But this morning I had one of those moments which put my mind at complete rest. Once more it was in the form of a song that I’ve heard dozens of times, but this morning the song rang out with words which spoke to me in my current predicament.

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
‘Cause even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

There have been so many times I’ve been spoken to via my music, not just since I found God, but before also, but this morning this song did just what I needed it to do.

WASHED BY THE WATER by NEEDTOBREATHE
Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin’ to make the world a little better you know, shine a light

People started talking
Just to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father said he made the wrong choice

Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
‘Cause even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love, turn around and crucify me
I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as You’re around me

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
‘Cause even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
‘Cause even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Time To Shine!

Okay, so today didn’t start exactly as planned, everything seemed alright, until I got ready for work after a shower, in fact it was going well, but then my watch strap snapped!

So not a big deal in the scheme of things in all honesty, but I do feel a little naked without my watch on.  I always keep it a few minutes fast.  The hands all always five minutes fast and the digital time about two minutes fast!

Why?

So I don’t like being late!  As someone who has managed to get to the age of 40 without ever getting behind a wheel and learning to drive (although I can now drive a folklift truck), I’ve never even applied for a driving license or taken a lesson, but that’s another story.  But walking everywhere can take longer than expected, it’s not so bad on journeys I do often, I know exactly what time I can walk it in, but other times I’ve no idea.

So if I’m in a rush and I glance at my watch, my mind just sees the time and I speed up, I still get there early if I arrive on time according to my watch.  I know, it’s a bit weird, but makes perfect sense to my crazy mind!

So all day at work I’ve not had a clue what time it was, all the computers have random times on the screens, we reset them, but they always end up at a random time.  The amount of times I’ve glanced at my wrist today, just to see nothing!  I’ve been a little lost!

So this morning as I walked to work, I had a reminder that I could easily sort this out without resorting to buying a new watch, that I really can’t afford at the moment!  There is another watch, exactly the same as mine, with a perfect strap, even the watch is working, I could just use that one, easy, problem solved!

But then another part of my mind sprung into action and yelled “NO WAY!!!” 

You see this watch was carefully placed in a box on Sunday 25th March 2012, 772 days ago, just four days before I quit drinking!

The Box

The Box

This box formed a major step in starting my recovery, on that I day I placed in that box everything that tied me to the wine drinking slob that lived in my skin for a while, that watch was one of those things.  The strap stunk of stale alcohol, like many of the things placed in that box, I purchased a watch exactly the same that very day and placed the old one, that was part of a life I wanted to put behind me, in that box with the rest of my old life.

So this morning I was faced with the choice, do I revisit that box and that old life to reclaim part of those memories for inclusion with the life I lead now or do I leave that gathering dust where it is and go without for a while, until the opportunity to replace it comes along.

It was fairly simple really, despite feeling that little bit lost without a watch, I’ll get by, I don’t need to visit a part of me that is no longer living, I have been living a new life since that box has been in the cellar gathering dust and grime.

I don’t need anything covered with dust and dirt, I’VE BEEN CALLED TO SHINE!!!

SHINE ON by NEEDTOBREATHE
Somewhere between the end
And the point where we begin
There’s a fire burning brightly
That’s found it’s way to dim
When the feeling’s gone…

Shine on Shine on
and onto something new
It’s long and overdue
I will remember you
Shine on shine on
And let the other’s see you’ve got your victory
Will you remember me

I was with you in the valley
And up upon that hill
So take just one more step in front of you
For I am with you still you still
And you’re not alone

Shine on Shine on
And onto something new
It’s long and overdue
I will remember you
Shine on shine on
And let the other’s see you’ve got your victory
Will you remember me

Can you see my hands are open I am waiting just ahead
And you think you need it all now
But you needed me instead

Shine on shine on shine on shine on won’t you won’t you shine

Shine on Shine on
And onto something new
It’s long and overdue
I will remember you
Shine on shine on
And let the other’s see you’ve got your victory
Will you remember me

Somewhere between the end and the point where we began

Verse of the Day – Psalm 144:1-2

Psalm 144:1-2
Psalm 144:1-2

Praise indeed, is there much more we can say about our God.

DIFFERENCE MAKER by NEEDTOBREATHE
Yeah, isn’t it amazing how a man can find himself alone
Calling through the darkness for an answer that is never known
Yeah, isn’t it amazing how God can take a broken man
And let him find a fortune and then ruin it with his own two hands
And he climbs on up the hill, on the rock on which he stands
He looks back at the crowd, he looks down at his hands and he says

I am the Difference Maker
Oh, I am the only one who speaks to Him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God

Yeah, isn’t it amazing how a man can find himself so alone
Calling through the darkness for an answer that is never known
Yeah, isn’t it amazing how a God can take a broken man
Yeah, let him find a fortune, let him ruin it with his own two hands
And he walks on up the hill to the rock on which he stands
He looks back at the crowd, he looks down at his hands and he says

I am on the fence about nearly everything I’ve seen
And I have felt the fire get put out by too much gasoline
And we’re all strangers passing through places one afternoon
Life is but a vision in a window that we’re peeking through
Helpless conversation with a man who says he cares a lot
A passive confrontation about who might throw a punch or not
And we are all transgressors, we’re all sinners, we’re all astronauts
So if you’re beating death then raise your hand, but shut up if you’re not 

Finding Calm Waters

It’s fair to say that 2013 was certainly a rocky year for me, the path I walked wasn’t easy at all.  There were times when everything seemed to be going fine, but there were definitely other times which hit me hard.

The year certainly drew to an end with a state of confusion, falling into a depression was something I certainly wasn’t expecting and something I certainly failed to cope with.  I struggled with myself, I just didn’t know what was happening or indeed at times who I was.

There were times when I just didn’t want to wake up in the morning, I would lie in bed just wanted to die, I didn’t know what was wrong with me and I certainly didn’t feel myself, I felt I was letting everyone down, all those who I helped me through all the other trials.  I can safely say that despite everything I’ve been through in the last four years, the struggles that led to my drinking problem, the contemplations of suicide, the devastation of the end of my relationship with Victoria and the pain of withdrawals, they were all hard, but this was the lowest I have ever felt and certainly something I really don’t want to go through again.

I kept going to Church, even though I was an empty shell, I couldn’t lift myself to sing or worship, I just hung at the back with my head in my hands, hiding in the shadows.  I all the while trying my best not to break down, in the end it was too much and I just cried when anyone spoke to me, as I say tough times.

Although I started to feel better as December came around, I can say that today was the first time I can say I really let go at Worship, the first time I felt free to sing from the heart.

As I walked home I remembered the two visions I had way back in October, just before it all started, the first one coming on a Sunday, where I saw myself washed away by a rush of water, I tried to get back up and walk on again, but the water washed me away once more.  But the vision I had forgot about until this afternoon was the one that followed that three days later, in that vision I simply saw calm water, an expanse of still waters.  For the first time this afternoon I felt like that I may have found those still waters, that despite everything that surrounds me I have found a peace in my heart for the first time in a long time, in fact at the end of worship this afternoon I felt the happiest and most content that I have in a long time, I had the definite feeling that everything is going to be alright.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10

I know that I still have little things to work on, things to sort out, but as I say I feel good at the moment, I have a feeling it’s going to be a good year!

WASHED BY THE WATER by NEEDTOBREATHE
Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin’ to make the world a little better you know, shine a light

People started talking
Just to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father said he made the wrong choice

Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
‘Cause even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love, turn around and crucify me
I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as You’re around me

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
‘Cause even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts risin’
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

The Sunset After The Rise

Weekly Photo Challenge: Saturated

After a great sunrise yesterday morning, the only way to begin a great evening at Amplified, was a great sunset as I walked to Church.

As Ben and myself walked, we took a time out grab a few shots of a great sunset over Newark town centre and in particular the parish Church, enjoy.

Evening Falls

Evening Falls

Burning Skies

Burning Skies

In The Fire

In The Fire

In Burning

In Burning

Beyond The Spire

Beyond The Spire

Above The Lights

Above The Lights

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL by NEEDTOBREATHE
In your ocean, I’m ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin’ on my feet
It’s like I know where I need to be
But I can’t figure out, yeah I can’t figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There’s only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin’ quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can’t be sure when it will subside
So I won’t leave your side, no I can’t leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn’t live like this
I wouldn’t stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won’t have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

Beautiful Memories

Daily Prompt: Moved To Tears

Does something beautiful really have to be something we have to see to appreciate?

Is beauty purely visual?

Or is it something we truly feel within our hearts?

Over the last 18 months I’ve been moved to tears so many times, probably more than the rest of my life put together. Mostly they were tears of pain, especially in the early months, emotional pain of a relationship break up, of the loss of myself and the intense pain of withdrawals. Earlier this year I had the pain of the death of both of my Nans to deal with, deep emotional pain hits hard.

But the last few times I’ve been moved to tears the only thing in front of me, the only thing in my physical vision, were my own words.

The beauty which has moved me to tears of late, including just this last Sunday, was memories of people’s actions, these simple memories  move me to tears every time.

On Sunday in my post “Alone In A Crowded Room” I wrote about my first morning in Church, about going in alone, sitting quietly at the back, until an elderly couple, John and Eve, came and sat with me, as I wrote about that moment and I ran through the images of that morning in my mind, I shed tears as the ‘beautiful’ actions of two wonderful people filled my head and my heart. A scared sinner, in a strange place, far outside his comfort zone, trying to stay anonymous, afraid of how people would conceive him when they knew the truth, but all of that was wiped away, John and Eve weren’t bothered who I was or what I had done, none of that mattered as they welcomed me to Church and offered their help in anyway possible, the memory of that moment was a beautiful vision as I’ve ever seen, it moved me to tears.

But these memories that move me to tears are not confined to just that single moment, but so many different moments, so many times over this last 18 months when I have been shown such kindness, the  hope and inspiration I receive from people as I meet them for the first time, as my story unravels and none of it matters.

To me these moments are priceless, memories I will treasure for ever and hold on to when times are so good, when things aren’t so fantastic, I can remember how I feared so much before, how when I was afraid to let people see who I was and how I was feeling, none of that mattered.

There have been so many times since those first weeks when I’ve been low or struggling and the members of Everyday Champions Church have picked me up and put me back on my feet, so many time where they have carried me and rebuilt me, I could never repay them for what they have done for me.

I am so thankful to all these friends for the care and love they have shown me, but mostly I am so thankful to God, for releasing me from my chains and for bringing these people into my life.

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL by NEEDTOBREATHE
In your ocean, I’m ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin’ on my feet
It’s like I know where I need to be
But I can’t figure out, yeah I can’t figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There’s only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin’ quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can’t be sure when it will subside
So I won’t leave your side, no I can’t leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn’t live like this
I wouldn’t stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won’t have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful (fade out)

Aches And Pains

After yesterday today is not a day of recovery, it’s a day of aches and pains, the exertions of the days events are now in earnest beginning to be felt and the worst thing is, they always seems to be more painful the day after the day after.

I woke not feeling that bad, I got ready and stepped out of the house just after 5.30am, set up the Podcast from yesterdays Church service and started walking.  A little snow had fallen over night, but the paths and roads were clear, it had struggled to settle after yesterdays rain and was only really visible on the grass verges and gardens.

The podcast sounded great, there was so much in there that I may have to listen to it a few more times to grasp the content, but that’s good.

But as the day has gone on my legs, in particular my thighs and my knees are really aching.  I was in good shape up to Christmas, all the hard work I put in following my withdrawals was lost over the Christmas and New Year period, that lazy period which caught me by surprise has taken it’s toll and today I know I have to get back to where I was, six months of hard work has been undone in just six weeks, the problem is I am just so tired, I’m not sure if I have the energy to do it all again.

I may be over reacting here, at one point last year I got down to 10 stone in weight, but I averaged around 10 stone 4 pounds at the end of the year, but since New Year I am averaging around 10 stone 9 pounds, okay it’s not like I’ve gone back to the 13 stone I was this time last year, but I am a little disappointed with myself to be honest.

Despite the feeling of disappointment, I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, I have to look at the last twelve months, if look at where I was and what I have done to get where I am now, the change is as I have said recently, is nothing short of a miracle, I couldn’t have foreseen this last February, I was stuck in my own prison, I was ruled by a glass bottle and lost, truly lost.  I have had to overcome so much, I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, I am tired, but I mustn’t give up the fight, I mustn’t take my eyes of where I am going, I mustn’t be distracted and allow my self to slip back too far.

I have relaxed a little in some of the routines I put in place to sort my weight and fitness levels and since Christmas I have struggled to pick those routines back up and carry on with them, so it’s time for a little re focus, as my first year of sobriety slowly approaches, I want to be back at the average weight I had before Christmas, so I just need to focus and work a little harder, as well a be a little more disciplined with my little urges to snack.

On a plus note, last night I completed my first cycle through the Bible, I always told Victoria I would one day read the Bible to form an opinion on it, as I believed one could not criticize it if they actually hadn’t read it, oh how people change.

When I started this journey with God I downloaded a bible app and started reading the Old Testament from the beginning, when I started going to Church and accepted that I wanted to receive Jesus into my life, I was given the New Testament, so I switched my reading to the New Testament, when I had completed that I return to where I had left the Old Testament and continued with that, so last night just after midnight I finished the Old Testament to complete my reading of the Bible.  But it won’t stop there, I am going to continue into the New Testament again, reading it again, but this time I intend to study it as well as just read it, that’s the plan, time allowing obviously.

The only problem is the next month will not slow down, I have work to do at home, some Architectural work I’ve got to fit in around everything else, a grading for my karate students in the middle of March, so lots of karate and paperwork to sort and obviously I would like to celebrate my first SoberYear in some way, shape or form, but at least I am busy now and not just sat at home, hidden behind the curtains, hating life and doing absolutely nothing of any use to anyone!

Before the truth will come to fill our eyes
The wool comes down in the form of fire
And when the answers and the truth have cut their ties
Will you still find me
Will you still see me through smoke
(Through Smoke by NeedToBreathe)