Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel comfortable to acknowledge the name of Christ before others, there is a fear in mentioning His name and what He has done for us. I guess this is human nature, not to be seen as weird or a freak! My truth is that with Christ, I would be nothing, therefore when the time is right, I try to let the Holy Spirit give me the words to speak my story, my story of Christ.
JESUS FREAK by NEWSBOYS Separated, I cut myself clean from a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams Been apprehended by a spiritual force and a grace that replaced all the me I divorced I saw a man with a tat on his big fat belly It wiggled around like marmalade jelly It took me a while to catch what it said, ’cause I had to match the rhythm of his belly with my head “Jesus Saves” is what it raved in a typical tattoo green He stood on a box in the middle of the city and he claimed he had a dream…
What will people think when they hear that I’m a Jesus freak? What will people do when they find that it’s true? I don’t really care if they label me a Jesus freak – there ain’t no disguising the truth There ain’t no disguising the truth No I ain’t into hiding the Truth
Kamikaze, my death is gain – I’ve been marked by my Maker, a peculiar display The high and lofty, they see me as weak – but I won’t live and die for the power they seek There was a man from the desert with naps in his head The sand that he walked was also his bed The words that he spoke make the people assume there wasn’t too much left in the upper room With skins on his back and hair on his face, they thought he was strange from the locusts he ate All the Pharisees tripped when they heard him speak until the king took the head of this Jesus freak
What will people think when they hear that I’m a Jesus freak? What will people do when they find that it’s true? I don’t really care if they label me a Jesus freak – there ain’t no disguising the truth No I ain’t into hiding the Truth
People say I’m strange, does it make me a stranger? My best friend was born in a manger?
What will people think when they find out I’m a Jesus freak? What will people do when they find out it’s true? I don’t care if they label me a Jesus freak – there ain’t no disguising the truth.
What will people think (what will people think)? What will people do (what will people do)? I don’t really care (what else can I say?) There ain’t no disguising the Truth (Jesus is the Way)
At the end of last year I found myself in a dark place, everything I had hoped for was drifting away, yet still the Father called for me to trust Him, that’s all I had left and all I could do, then the darkness fell away and was replaced by peace and joy, which two months later still runs through me.
YOUR LOVE NEVER FAILS by NEWSBOYS Nothing can separate Even if I run away Your love never fails I know I still make mistakes You have new mercy for me everyday Cause Your love never fails
You stay the same through the ages Your love never changes There may be pain in the night But joy comes in the morning And when the oceans rage I don’t have to be afraid Because I know that You love me Your love never fails
The wind is strong and the water’s deep But I’m not alone here in these open seas Cause Your love never fails The chasm is far too wide I never thought I’d reach the other side But Your love never fails
You make all things work together for my good You make all things work together for my good
I am thankful for the amazing gift from God that gave me a second chance at life with Him.
BORN AGAIN by NEWSBOYS I found myself looking into the mirror Knew I wasn’t who I wanted to be I was living life the way that I wanted But my eyes reminded me I’m not free
Believed a lie so everything that I know Says I gotta go, tired of going solo But I’m never gonna go there again
This is what it is, this is who I am This is where I finally take my stand I didn’t wanna fall but I don’t have to crawl I met the one with two scarred hands
Giving Him the best of Everything that’s left of The life inside this man I’ve been born again
I see ya walking like you’re living in fear Having trouble even looking at me Wishing they would give you more than words Sick of people telling how it should be
What’d ya download? Where’d ya get your info? You saw that I’m sure, now you’re in the in though Gonna tell you what I believe
This is what it is, this is who I am This is where I finally take my stand I didn’t wanna fall but I don’t have to crawl I met the one with two scarred hands
Giving Him the best of Everything that’s left of The life inside this man I’ve been born again
We are the ones they call by name I’m never gonna look back Let go, let go, the guilt, the shame Said, I’m never gonna look back This is who I am
This is what it is, this is who I am This is where I finally take my stand I didn’t wanna fall but I don’t have to crawl I met the one with two scarred hands
Giving Him the best of Everything that’s left of The life inside this man I’ve been born again
This is who I am I didn’t wanna fall but I don’t have to crawl I met the one with two scarred hands
Giving Him the best of Everything that’s left of The life inside this man I’ve been born again I’ve been born again
It took a while, but one thing I have learnt on this journey, is that when I feel like it’s all too hard and I can’t do it anymore, I just have to remember this verse and hand it all over to Him.
MIGHTY TO SAVE by NEWSBOYS Shine your light and let the whole world see Shine your light and let the whole world see
Everyone needs compassion, love that’s never failing Let mercy fall on me Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a saviour The hope of nations
Saviour, He can move the mountains My God is mighty to save He is mighty to save Forever, author of salvation He rose and conquered the grave Jesus conquered the grave Shine your light and let the whole world see Shine your light and let the whole world see
So take me as you find me – all my fears and failures Fill my life again I give my life to follow everything I believe in Now I surrender
We’re singing shine your light and let the whole world see We’re singing for the glory of the risen King
Saviour, He can move the mountains My God is mighty to save He is mighty to save Forever, author of salvation He rose and conquered the grave Jesus conquered the grave
We’re singing shine your light and let the whole world see We’re singing for the glory of the risen king
My Saviour, You can move the mountains You are mighty to save You are mighty to save Forever, author of salvation You rose and conquered the grave Oh You conquered the grave
Shine your light and let the whole world see We’re singing for the glory of the risen King
Although there is no doubt that my life is better in many ways since I stopped drinking and set myself upon a walk with God, there are things from that past life that still haunt me, they still rise at times, not to tempt me back into that former self, but just enough to take the edge of things, not a real downer, but just taking the gloss of things.
There are times when like this evening, I see people on nice warm evenings like this, sat outside my former local pub, enjoying a cold glass of beer or wine, if only. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t so much that I want to drink, I know that’s a no no, but I did have memories of so good times, sat there with both friends and family, it was the upside of drinking, spending time with others, but I know I can’t go back there, it’s just a memory, one I have to deal with and overcome.
Then there is of course the financial burden I have created for myself, for a while I wasn’t earning as much as I was spending each week on alcohol. I was in that place where my drinking came before anything else, including paying bills, I only paid them when I knew I had enough to keep me going for the week, then I would pay a bill. But my tax bill went unpaid, along with a credit card and a loan, in total my personal debt, not including what Victoria has also, was around £21000. I have no car, I don’t drive, when the bailiff from the Inland Revenue knocked on the door that was all he wanted, we rent our house, all our furniture is second hand, we really have nothing of value, obviously he went away empty handed.
Unfortunately the Tax man is not bothered about anything else other than recovering the money owed, there are some helpful people there who are understanding and will work with you, but more often than not, I got the complete jobsworth who didn’t give a monkeys about your situation, they just have a remit to get the money and that’s just what they will do. The Citizens Advice Bureau took on our case and negotiated all our repayments into manageable ones, which we are keeping to, although it doesn’t leave us with much money each month. I know I still have a lot of money outstanding from the Architect’s and that doesn’t seem to be forthcoming very quickly, so in the mean time we just have to manage, I’m doing everything I can to make it put it right.
There is light at the end of that tunnel, at one point my tax liability was around £7500, I’ve been making regular monthly payments (on top of the tax on my earnings) to get that down to a point where it should be paid by the end of the year, that will be a massive millstone from around my neck, one of those consequences will be removed and one of my burdens released.
The other major consequence is the situation with Victoria, although we still live together, there is no relationship, there seems to be no sign of any movement either. It’s something I pray about regularly and the thing that probably gets me down more than most, especially when things seem more frosty than normal.
There are times when I need something physical, when I get home and I’m stressed or just down, I miss having someone to cuddle up to, to hold tight and be held tight be. I miss the little things that maybe once I found so annoying, that now I long for.
But all I can do is pray and just trust that God has in store what is best for both of us and our two children, it’s all in his hands, by his will.
These consequences are what get me down more than most, at times I can rise above them, I can wake each day and just get on with moving forward, dwelling on these things too much can bring me down big time, this is what happened last November, I let these things get bigger than God, I let them control my thoughts and distract me from Him. These things do still get to me, but at the moment I’m not letting them control me. I have hope for the future and faith in His promise that what ever happens, things will be alright, there is a bright future, I just have to keep climbing, keep walking and keep believing.
WE BELIEVE by NEWSBOYS In this time of desperation When all we know is doubt and fear There is only one foundation We believe, we believe In this broken generation When all is dark, You help us see There is only one salvation We believe, we believe
We believe in God the Father We believe in Jesus Christ We believe in the Holy Spirit And He’s given us new life We believe in the crucifixion We believe that He conquered death We believe in the resurrection And He’s comin’ back again, we believe
So, let our faith be more than anthems Greater than the songs we sing And in our weakness and temptations We believe, we believe!
We believe in God the Father! We believe in Jesus Christ! We believe in the Holy Spirit! And He’s given us new life! We believe in the crucifixion! We believe that He conquered death! We believe in the resurrection! And He’s comin’ back again!
Let the lost be found and the dead be raised! In the here and now, let love invade! Let the church live love our God will save We believe, we believe! And the gates of hell will not prevail! For the power of God, has torn the veil! Now we know Your love will never fail! We believe, we believe!
We believe in God the Father We believe in Jesus Christ We believe in the Holy Spirit And He’s given us new life! We believe in the crucifixion! We believe that He conquered death! We believe in the resurrection! And He’s comin’ back, He’s comin’ back again! He’s comin’ back again! We believe! We believe
I don’t think I need to say anything else, because we can achieve all this through Christ.
ON YOUR KNEES by NEWSBOYS Lately she’s been thinking what her daddy said How when you’re winning, you got more friends But are they your friends if you fall they’re gone Something about those kind of people seems wrong Who’s gonna be there when the phone call knocks her down? All of the steeples but she can’t hear a bell sound Jumps on a bus to head downtown And picks up a paper that’s been blowing around It says..
When your heart breaks He’ll hurt for you Dreams are out of reach He’ll pull you through When you lose hope All you gotta do Is get on your knees again Not long now and you’re gonna see No mountain’s too high for you or for me Or fall too far if you can believe And get on your knees On your knees again
She pulls up her paper and puts in her bag Knows she really needs a savior like that Walkin past her church just up the street Says “maybe it’s time to get on my knees” Cause He was there when no one was around All of the people but no one made a sound Thinks of her brother who’s been feelin down Pulls out her paper and reads it aloud..
When your heart breaks He’ll hurt for you Dreams are out of reach He’ll pull you through When you lose hope All you gotta do Is get on your knees again Not long now and you’re gonna see No mountain’s too high for you or for me Or fall too far if you can believe And get on your knees On your knees again
Givin everything you’ve got Still it’s hard to believe Love comes from the inside out If you wanna be free Gotta give your life and never stop When you’re thinkin about givin up Get on your knees
When your heart breaks He’ll hurt for you Dreams are out of reach He’ll pull you through When you lose hope All you gotta do Is get on your knees again Not long now and you’re gonna see No mountain’s too high for you or for me Or fall too far if you can believe And get on your knees On your knees again
When you’ve givin everything you’ve got Gotta give your life and never stop If you wanna be free On your knees again
I know. probably like many others, that this is something I have failed at so many times in the last few months. Sometimes I find it hard to see a way forward, I forget to turn to God and to trust in him, it’s my biggest failing!
RUNNING TO YOU by NEWSBOYS Somebody told me about a place Oh I can see it But I’ve gotta change my ways Day after day, its the same old thing I keep repeating No reason to stay this way I know what I have got to do Get back to what I know is true
When everything is broken Theres’ a door wide open You’ll find me running through More than just emotion My heart has chosen Jesus, I’m running to you
I can see the tear on your face You feel defeated Wonder what are you living for? Selfish dreams left you time and time Empty-handed There’s gotta be something more You know what you have to do Get back to who you know is true
When everything is broken Theres’ a door wide open You’ll find me running through More than just emotion My heart has chosen Jesus, I’m running to you
You’re the only one Who can fix what I’ve become Oh GOD I believe in your love
Okay, today has been rough, very rough, so many tears, coming again in waves, whether alone or with friends.
At times I just wanted to lie once again, I really wanted to say “I’m okay!” when asked how I was, that would have been the easier option, it was harder to be truthful, with the truth came the tears, they seem to go hand in hand.
I apologise to everyone I cried before today, I appreciate it’s awkward, but thank you for understanding.
I wasn’t going to post this evening, I felt I had nothing positive, just more low points, but since I came home this evening I’ve picked myself up a little, maybe something has clicked into place in this messed up head of mine.
This low spot has been building over a number of weeks, since the morning a preach messed with my head, since then I seem to have been hit with wave after wave of reminders of everything I got so wrong in my past and as a few small problems mounted up, these reminders began to define who I am now, but I’m not that person any more. Tonight I have been reminded of the following verse…
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin. Romans 6:6
So the fight starts again, I know this isn’t going to be an overnight change, it’s a process and that starts tomorrow. I plan to arrange a Doctor’s appointment, I haven’t slept properly in weeks and I’m sure this depression won’t just disappear, so we’ll see what they say.
Come Tuesday my SoberDay count will reach 600 days, I have to say usually I get excited when significant dates come around, but that hasn’t been so these last few days, in fact I’m going to be honest and say that for the first time in a very long time the thought of drinking again has been bouncing around my head, I have to say there’s been a real temptation, which has been hard to fight, but I WILL BE CELEBRATING 600 SOBERDAYS!!!
The other thing that has bounced around my head over the last week or so, is something that came previously in my lowest moments, the last of these moments was 608 days ago, I must stress these thoughts haven’t been as strong as drinking, but they have been there and they were picking up that old penknife again, the one I desperately held again my wrists whilst cycling through thoughts of how worthless I was, it’s been painful recalling my lowest moments as an option to end the current pain.
But as Romans 6:6 says, the old self was crucified with Christ, I have been made new and no longer a slave to sin, so time to start believing it.
WE BELIEVE by NEWSBOYS In this time of desperation When all we know is doubt and fear There is only One Foundation We believe, We believe In this broken generation When all is dark, You help us see There is only One Salvation We believe, We believe
We believe in God the Father We believe in Jesus Christ We believe in the Holy Spirit And He’s given us new life We believe in the crucifixion We believe that He conquered death We believe in the resurrection And He’s comin’ back again, we believe
So, let our faith be more than anthems Greater than the songs we sing And in our weakness and temptations We believe, We believe!
We believe in God the Father! We believe in Jesus Christ! We believe in the Holy Spirit! And He’s given us new life! We believe in the crucifixion! We believe that He conquered death! We believe in the resurrection! And He’s comin’ back again!
Let the lost be found and the dead be raised! In the here and now, let love invade! Let the church live love our God will see We believe, We believe! And the gates of hell will not prevail! For the power of God, has torn the vail! Now we know Your love will never fail! We believe, We believe!
We believe in God the Father We believe in Jesus Christ We believe in the Holy Spirit And He’s given us new life! We believe in the crucifixion! We believe that He conquered death! We believe in the resurrection! And He’s comin’ back, He’s comin’ back again! He’s comin’ back again! We believe! We believe!
I make no secret of the fact that music forms a large part of my life, over the last few years I have received many messages through music. And even though I may not have heard the messages at the time, there were many songs in those dark years of mine that only now can I hear the message to me within the words.
I listen to a lot of music and nowadays it’s predominately Christian music or songs of some inspiration. Many times over the last 20 months has the right song played at the right time, lifting my spirits or breaking me to tears.
In fact often when I’m walking and things just don’t seem quite right, I just ask for a song to give me a lift, almost always the next song, if not a song after that, does the job.
Yesterday was a little different, when I set off for Church, I was tired after being awake since 4am, apart from half an hour’s nap, plus I think I was still carrying a little of last Sunday’s painful memories, the long and the short if it was I felt a little empty, something just wasn’t right.
So I prayed for a sing to lift me, but strangely it was one which I expected, what played was a song called “Worthless” by A Thorn For Every Heart, a little strange I thought.
Now I’ve listened to this song so many times, it’s a good song, but I have to say I’ve never really heard the lyrics, but yesterday they did speak to me and into my situation, it was almost exactly the way I was feeling last week and of course at the beginning if this journey, it summed up my feelings, this was a little hard hitting.
The next two songs didn’t really lift me, but they were telling a story, my story, firstly “Headlights” by The Classic Crime and then “Enemy” by Newsboys.
I didn’t realise until I prayed last night about what I was hearing on that walk, but when I asked I then understood, only then did I fully appreciate the last song I heard as I walked to Church, “The Becoming” by Jenny Simmons.
There is not a lot more to say, this song says it all.
THE BECOMING by JENNY SIMMONS After the destruction In the wake of every storm The sun reveals the suffering And all I’ve known is gone Well I can take the rising waves But when I’m washed up on the shore Feeling just like driftwood And nothing makes sense anymore
Jesus meet me Be everything I need In the waiting In the in between Jesus, hold me And keep me from running Cause I don’t want to miss The beauty of becoming
Something new is growing I can feel it come alive In the dead of winter Spring is on the other side
Jesus meet me Be everything I need In the waiting In the in between Jesus, hold me Keep me from running Cause I don’t want to miss The beauty of becoming
Give me beauty in the ashes of this pain Give me water in the wasteland, let it rain As I wonder, in the darkness, be my guide Oh Creator, oh Redeemer bring new life
And Jesus Be everything that I need In the waiting In the in between Jesus, hold me Keep me from running Cause I don’t want to miss The beauty of becoming No, I don’t want to miss The beauty of becoming
Yesterday morning I received a really nice surprise. Although I was told it would happen some time this month, to be honest I had forgotten as slowly September passed by, so it really did take me by surprise.
Since my Nanna was buried earlier this year, back on the 12th March, I’ve visited her graveside almost daily ever since, I walk that way to work, so I take a small detour and spend a few minutes there.
For months there has been just a patch of earth, slowly as the weeks passed, it gradually became covered by grass and the flowers my family leave each week, but no headstone. A couple of months ago I asked my Mum when the headstone was arriving, she said sometime in September, adding that the ground had to harden first.
So Friday morning it looked just as had over the last few months, but yesterday morning as I approached it all looked very different, all the flowers had moved and when I got closer I saw the new headstone.
She shares a grave with her first husband and my Grandad, who died back in 1957 (when my Mum was just five), I remember so many times going with my Nan to tend his grave, she always kept it neat and tidy, but he never had a headstone, just a small stone vase with an inscription, they were quite poor and I guess she couldn’t afford much at the time. Now they share a new headstone over the grave they share together (with the vase moved to the foot of the grave).
Reunited
As I read the inscription, I have to say it brought a tear to my eye.
My Nanna never stopped, even when she was approaching ninety she would get the bus into town to go shopping, almost daily up until she had a knee replacement a few years back.
Even when she retired and moved into a bungalow, I remember going with her to arrange bingo and other activities for fellow pensioners. She even mowed lawns (generally with a push mower) and shopped for her neighbours well into her late seventies, until my Mum and her sisters made her slow down, but that was only after she suffered a fall.
A month or so ago I noticed that the grass was growing nicely over the grave, except for one area, down at her feet. I thought that was funny, as my Nanna never seemed to stop to rest long enough to let the grass grow under her feet, so I told it was okay now, she was now free to rest, since then it seems the grass has started to grow there.
When I got back home yesterday, I was quite eager to listen to the new Newsboys album, I was actually a little disappointed, until I heared this song and it made me think of Nanna.
THAT HOME by NEWSBOYSThere was a home in town
Where broken kids, the lost & found
Would come from miles around
Just to see, what love was all about
‘Cause Momma had a way of makin’ things okay
She’d cook us our favorite meal Sit and listen to how we feel Oh, how the pain was real How many families what the devil steal? Momma had a way of makin’ things okay
In that home We knew we were safe To be young enough to dream Find the faith to believe And in that home Love, it had no end It’s where we learned to forgive In that home
Momma always had the music on Sometimes loud, sometimes soft When I asked her ’bout her favorite song She opened the bible to the book of Psalms She always found a way to talk about grace
In that home We knew we were safe To be young enough to dream Find the faith to believe And in that home Love, it had no end That’s where we learned to forgive In that home
And on that day I got the news That Momma’s stay here was almost through I stayed all night by her side Held her hand, looked in her eyes And said, Momma
When you’re home I know you’ll be safe Strong enough to see The faith that you believed And in that home Life will have no end I know I’ll see you again
