Tag Archives: Of Men And Angels

Drinking Dreams

From time to time, like most people, I have quite vivid dreams. Some just strange, some fairly normal (not many) and some with reoccurring themes. There’s nothing strange about that, this is I guess fairly normal for most people.

Just one dream haunts me now, only a few months ago I remember thinking that I hadn’t experienced this dream in a long time, in the previous five years it had been one of those bad reoccurring dreams, that left me frozen. But now I remember thinking that if this dream had passed into memory them I have made another significant step in recovery from my alcohol addiction.

Then just a few days later it came back.

The worst thing about this reoccurring dream is the immense feeling of guilt, when I wake it leaves me confused, stunned and filled with guilt and sorrow.

In these dreams I see myself having innocently taking a drink of alcohol, it doesn’t matter if it is just a sip or a skin full, as soon as I see that image in my mind and there within the dream I experience a mass of guilt and then immediately I wake and that guilt stays.

I wake in a state of complete confusion, not knowing if the guilt is real, I’m cold inside, frozen, I believe I’ve lost it all. Sometimes I even have to look around my room to check the evidence of drinking is not there, looking for the glass or bottle that I have just seen myself drink from, I search for it to make sure it was just a dream.

It can take a while to come to the realisation that this is only dream, trying to get back to sleep, still shaking from the overriding guilt is hard. The last thing you want is to drift back into the same dream, but at the same time you need the peace that sleep can bring, I hate these dreams, they are my nightmares.

You would say that a night,are would generally involve a monster of some kind chasing after you, in my dreams the monster is me, that part of my past that will probably always chase me. I had hoped I had ran far enough away for it not to catch and chase me anymore, but it is still there, my monster is still chasing, but I am determined that it will never catch me.

It can try to take in my sleep, but it won’t get me in my life.

I was given the strength by God to resist, that strength I will carry with me always, if I choose to, and I do.

Psalm 46:1-3

Psalm 46:1-3

Dreams will always come and go in life, but God doesn’t, He never leaves.

OF MEN AND ANGELS by THE ROCKET SUMMER
Stop the press, everything’s a mess
You can look alive, but you are not at rest.
And i-ideas are flowing through your head
A million miles an hour while lying in your bed
A lucid life you never thought you’d lead
Are you working everyday?
Are you working just to bleed?
I know

You’re staring at the names of the famed that are dipped in gold
The feeling you deserve what you’ve heard
But it doesn’t go that way

Oh, the tongues of men and angels
I speak but lack love.
Oh, love, will I stab you in the back?
Working everyday,
I’m afraid I forgot to show what’s most important: love

Here I am, dear Lord, tasting hints of fame
And I don’t want it anymore
If it’s not you that I gain
Wanna fall at your feet
Don’t wanna fall from your peace
I understand

Have you ever been the man that just ran
When you knew that God was talking?
Have you ever heard his voice through the noise
But just let it go away?

Oh, the tongues of men and angels
I speak but lack love.
Oh, love, will I stab you in the back?
How can I go with mine instead of yours
When yours is always right
I’m sorry just pour into me love

Here I am, dear Lord, tasting hints of fame
And I don’t want it anymore
If it’s not you that I gain
Wanna fall at your feet
Don’t wanna fall from your peace
I understand

A heart at rest is harder now
Don’t let it go away
A hard earned pay, a hard earned pain
Right now they’re just the same
What’s the use, why work so hard
When it’s not what you crave
When what you need is: love.

Here I am, dear Lord, tasting hints of fame
And I don’t want it anymore
If it’s not you that I gain
Wanna fall at your feet
Don’t wanna fall from your peace
I understand

Here I am, dear Lord, tasting hints of fame
And I don’t want it anymore
If it’s not you that I gain
Wanna fall at your feet
Don’t wanna fall from your peace
I understand

Walking Tall

“Although I may only be 5 feet 4½ inches tall, tonight I thank God that I walk taller than any man.”

The last 24 hours or so have been a major break through in my life, the whole weekend marks a point in my life when I am free from the pain of my past. I know there will still be times when it will come back to haunt me, to bite at me once again, but for now I am no longer holding it inside, my deepest secrets have been released and the Hot Coal been extinguished, the scars are beginning to heal.

It’s been a fantastic weekend with the guys from Church at the Unleash Getaway, as part of last night’s meeting, I was asked if I was up for being interviewed about my past in front of the 60 others that were gathered, having posted Holding on to Hot Coals last Friday I knew it was time to let out the things I was holding in, the ones that were causing my pain, I jumped at the chance.  So Friday night I let it all out, the response from the guys was fantastic and I felt truly blessed to be in the company of these people.

Saturday morning was just as inspirational as a friend, who had previously told me some of his story, was interviewed.  I have to say he cried when I was Baptised, now I was crying as he told his story in detail, the connection between the two of us is stronger than I ever knew, I feel inspired by his story.  If he can rebuild his life with the faith he has shown, then he is further inspiration for me to continue rebuilding mine.

Saturday afternoon’s story was from a young man, who had luckily realised at an early age that his life had spiralled out of control on drink and drugs, he changed his life and turned to God, yet another inspiration for me on my journey.

I was blessed to be in the company of these two, together with all the other great guys, who were so supportive, the whole weekend was just brilliant, the only draw back was that it’s over so quickly, I want to be back there now, soaking up all the inspiration and faith that was in the place.

In the morning seminar I got the chance to speak briefly on last nights experience, I said:

“There was freedom in speaking last night, I feel that most of the chains that hold me down have now been broken”.

Stop the press, everything’s a mess
You can look alive, but you are not at rest.
And i-ideas are flowing through your head
A million miles an hour while lying in your bed
A lucid life you never thought you’d lead
(Of Men And Angels by The Rocket Summer)

I beg you all, don’t hold on to those hot coals, let them go, take them out and drop them in that bucket, only then can you be truly free from the pain inside.