Tag Archives: Pain

Change Is Coming

As the darkness of Sunday 18th March 2012 passed by, Monday morning came with a sense of hope, I knew I had something important to do, something that would change my life, the barrier now was fear and courage.

I had the day off work, there were a few things I had to do later in the day, but the most important thing, the most immediate thing, before anything else was to make a phone call to Gareth.

Everyone had left the house, Victoria had taken the kids to school and then gone straight to work, I was alone and I was shaking with fear.

I sat at the top of the stairs with my phone in my hand, the number ready to dial, now I had to fight the fear and find the courage within to call it.

I had decided the time to call would be around 9.10, time to get in the office, but not enough time to get busy with anything, that’s what I hoped anyway, now I just had to fight my shaking hands and press call.

An inner battle was raging, my soul knew it needed this phone call, if I was going to climb out of this pit I had created for myself, then this phone call was the beginning. Yet the monster of addiction that dwelt within wasn’t letting go that easily, it knew this call would change everything.

For a moment the monster was winning, I just wanted to put the phone down, turn away and carry on down this spiral.

But from somewhere I found the strength to call, I was shaking all over by now, I was so afraid of what was to come.

Gareth answered and I tried to explain who I was. I had met Gareth a number of times, only a year before we watched football together with other members of his church in my front room, but essentially he knew me as Victoria’s partner.

I tried to say hi, it’s Wayne, Victoria’s partner, I got half way through it and broke down into tears. I wasn’t that person anymore, that was over, even I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Thankfully, Gareth seemed to understand and knew who I was, he asked how I was doing, I managed to say not very well and broke down into tears again, I was really a mess and he seemed to appreciate that.

Somehow I managed to be coherent enough to arrange to meet with him later that evening, he was going to come over to see me and chat, from that moment things changed.

From there I jumped in the shower, then went into town, I hadn’t really looked after myself in a long time, I didn’t shave anymore, I didn’t do anything with my hair, my clothes were becoming rags, drenched with the smell of stale sweat and alcohol.

Now was the time to start looking after myself.

I can’t be anything to anyone, if I’m not something to myself.

That night I was so nervous, so afraid, I was still shaking. Victoria was going out, she knew about the meeting, she had checked with Gareth that I had called, she knew it was important too.

She came to me before she went out and asked a question that shocked me, it shouldn’t have done, she asked this every time she went out at night, she only asked if I needed to go to the shop before she went out, which in essence was asking if I needed to go buy alcohol, this surprised me more than anything. How could I think of drinking this night, there was no way, once more though this is how far I had fallen, this had become then norm, she knew it and had seen many times, but I hadn’t seen it.

Gareth was also bringing with him Alex, who I knew, I knew his family had suffered through alcoholism in the past, so I watched anxiously at the window for them to arrive, shaking.

Victoria asked how I was, I said I was scared, to which she asked why, I knew them both, there was no need to fear them.

But it wasn’t them, I was afraid of myself, afraid of truth of who I was would be coming out tonight, that’s what I feared, myself above all.

They arrived and at first I felt okay, Gareth stated that he hadn’t come to preach, but to talk to me to find out what I needed to turn things around, this made me feel a little more comfortable, for a while anyway.

He than asked what had been happening, that’s when it got hard. I tried to explain how things had gone over the previous two and half years, but it’s hard to speak between all the tears that were falling.

I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I did that night, I was a real mess. I could hardly get a statement out with crying at some point.

Each time I broken down I could seen the pain reflected in Gareth’s face, it was hard going for us all, but I was trying to tell the full truth, but in all honesty I didn’t know the truth myself. I tried to say how much I had been drinking, I told him what I believed was the truth, only over the coming weeks I realised it far worse than I knew.

They were with me for over an hour and half, I spent at least half of that time tears. But after that I felt a sense of peace had come over myself. I knew the start of the healing process had begun, I could feel that.

From that night I never drank in the house again, I didn’t stop drinking over night, but I started to gain control over it.

I didn’t know at the time where that strength had come from, but it started that night, it started really after I pressed the button to make that call.

Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
‘Cause nothing’s gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They’re gone in the blink of an eye

Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can’t hide the scars
Just look at yourself ’cause there’s nowhere to go
And you know

You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you

And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You’re running out of places to hide
‘Cause everybody’s got a reason
To justify how they’re feelin’
Maybe you should open your eyes

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, ’cause there’s nowhere to go
And you’ll know

You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you

Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing’s gonna stand in your way…

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?

You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you

Turning Point

Having finally admitted that the consequences of my drinking and actions had put a wedge between myself a Victoria, causing a crack that could no longer fix fixed, I was a mess.

After the talk we had on Tuesday night, I lost my appetite for everything, except for drinking, I didn’t eat a meal until Friday evening, I tried to eat as the days passed, but my appetite was gone and all I wanted was to drink, the spiral was getting tighter and tighter.

Come the weekend it got worse, Saturday evening after karate I went to the pub with a couple of friends, I forced them to stay long enough to get five pints of strong cider in, then on the way home I picked up a couple of bottles of wine, went home and drank them both. I was now so far in that I could drink all this and still go to bed feeling like I was sober. There was no hangover come the morning, I guess I was in a permanent state of fuzziness, that hangovers just didn’t happen anymore.

Sunday morning was Mother’s Day, come mid morning I realised the kids hadn’t got anything for their Mum, no present or card, I should really say that I hadn’t got them anything to give, that I suppose is my responsibility, but I was in such a state I had completely forgotten.

This realisation of how far removed from this world I was in hit hard. I went upstairs to run a bath, then I just there looking at myself in the mirror, I began telling myself how useless I was, in my mind all these statements came rolling through, telling myself how they were all better off without me, I was draining them, holding them back, I was a waste.

I came to the conclusion that they would be better off if I was dead, I picked a penknife, opened the blade and held it against my wrist. These thoughts kept running through my mind of how they would be better off without me. My plan now was to get in the bath, cut my wrists and simply wait to day, that was it, it was all over.

Then it happened, I heard a voice, His voice.

Out of nowhere in my head, I heard a voice say “it’s better that your kids live with you as you are now, than live with the memory of what they will find”.

As I heard it, I looked to the bath and there I saw an image of myself laying there pale as anything, dead in a bath full of blood, then I looked to the bathroom door and saw the face of my daughter, just six years old, in shock at the sight of what she had just seen.

I put the knife down and simply broke down. I was so angry, angry with myself, I felt like I was in this state of nothingness, having neither the courage to live or the courage to die, I was in a void, I was lost.

Somehow I cleaned myself up and made it to karate, put on a brave face so no one there could tell there was anything wrong in my life, I carried on like it was just another normal day. Then followed the same routine as Saturday night, five pints, pick up two bottles of wine, only this time I did’t quite finish the second bottle.

I think that evening I knew things were going to change, I had made it to the edge and just clung on for while longer, but hope was on the horizon, Victoria had given me Gareth, her Pastor’s mobile number, now I just had to have the courage to call it.

It’s hard now to think about the importance of those words that I heard. For the previous couple of years I had literally stolen from my kids, their birthday and Christmas money was usually put away in the cupboard, but before they could spend it, I had taken it to buy alcohol with, this is low I had become, stealing from my kids.

And now a voice I had never heard before says they need me.

This wasn’t the first time this scenario had played out, but this was the first time I had probably seriously consider ending my own life, this was definitely the lowest moment of my life.

Things could only get better and come the morning things were going to change.

Can you hear my voice
Where you are?
When I’m without you
Every moment falls apart
I’m a burned out light in the dark
In my empty shell I am calling out

I’ve lost my faith,
Lost my way
It’s all so far away

What have I become?
Can’t face the morning sun
Just save me
You’re the only one
Who can pull me out
Save me from myself
Just save me
Just save me

Pull me closer to you
I can’t escape this
Emptiness I fell into
Caught in a shadow
I can’t see through
I’m nothing without you

What have I become?
Can’t face the morning sun
Just save me
You’re the only one
Who can pull me out

Save me from myself
Just save me
Just save me

Lost my faith
Lost my way
I need to feel you here again
Just save me

From what I’ve become
Look what I’ve become

I bleed for you
I bleed for you 
I bleed for you

What have I become?
Just save me
Can’t face the morning sun
Just save me
Now I’m screaming out
Save me from myself 

What have I become?
You’re the only one
Who can pull me out
Save me from myself
Just save me
Just save me

And Another Child Dies

And Another Child Dies

And another child dies
As the parents simply weep
How could they bring the end?
Cold steel upon the skin
Or bitter pills taken in
Because in this world
They just didn’t fit

Teased cruelly by their piers
For just not fitting in
Not looking or feeling the same
Their words just cut upon the soul
Why does it come to this?
We reject what simply doesn’t fit
And another child dies
For trying to fit in to this world

But it just looks on
Shakes it’s head in disdain
Stupid little child
Just another wayward teen
Who just wouldn’t fit in

But why should they try?
Why should we make them?
Why should we push them?
To become what we wish

The Father sees them as beautiful
The Father sees them as unique
Made within His image
So why do they need to fit in?

But another a child dies
And a family just weeps
And the world just stands by
To throw its ugly words
Against another troubled teen
Until another child dies

The Cutting

The Cutting

Can she find another space
To make another cut
Can she find another moment
Just to feel okay
Just a fleeting glimpse
Of how it is to feel
To release all the emptiness
Even if for just a second
For nobody is listening
Nobody can understand
What it takes to break the skin
Where a mind is that takes it there
She’s just searching for a feeling
One just to feel okay
For the world has turned it face
Without ever understanding
Just a silly girl they say
Is she crying out of attention
Or just crying for it’s all she feels
All the pictures of this world
Of how she should look
Just twists the mind further
Driving a blade only deeper
Don’t she know she’s beautiful
In the eyes of her Maker
Loved within a Father’s arms
He who cries with every cut
If she just could see His face
Maybe the blade would slowly fall
And those moments pass by
Without a cut at all

To Smile

To Smile

All the fake smiles
All the forced laughs
Let them go
Just forgotten moments
Of a sorry and distant past
Embrace a future
Shining like starlight
Through grace
Let go of all past mistakes
To Him none of it matters
Let your smile be one of joy
Beneath the love of God
A day is to come
When the smile is true
And the laughs are full of joy
But just for now
If the tears should fall
Just keep on holding on



Please don’t take another pill
You’ve sucked it down
How do you feel?
Has it lifted you from there?
Or dragged you down
Down deeper far
Is this the answer?
Is this the way?
The artificial
Will it save the day?
Will it release the pain?
You hold deep down
The pain that erodes the hope inside
A pill won’t help
It just delays it all
Tomorrow the pain will still be there
Tearing apart the fragile mind
Of a broken soul beyond the world
I speak of this
I’ve took the bottle
It never helped
Just numbed it all
But it returns when it all wore off
And I took it again to try and hide it all
A bleeding heart in the dead of night
Lost his way
Dying inside
Until a day I could face no more
And as I stared to death beyond
His voice came through above the chaos
To shine a light upon the pain inside
From that day I sought Him more
The bottles, the pills had no hold
I put them down and sought His love
To find a way out of this pain
Through open doors I found the light
And I walk free once more
So is this pill the answer for you?
Or can you hear Him calling you
To rise from just where you are
He loves you as He loves me
He cries for you in heaven above
He waits for you
My friend I pray
Embrace His love

The HurtAnd The Healer

The Hurt And The Healer

Don’t you know I’m hurting
Behind the smile I force for you
Can you feel this pain
When you say snap out of it

Do you sense the turmoil
Behind the tears I yield
Have you seen the loneliness
Within the scars I hide

Have you felt the coldness of a heart
That’s given up on life
Could you yield a mighty flame
To reignite this soul that’s died

This weight you could not carry
It’s a burden I must endure
So could you breathe beneath this grave
Of the lost life I threw away

You cannot hold this feeling
It belongs to me alone
You cannot taste this pain
Only I can keep it within

You could never hold back the walls
That close in around my soul
And who could ever free themselves
From the chains I form for myself

No one one earth could understand
Not one could feel this way
None hold the pain that I hold
It’s mine and mine alone

And when the shadows creep
There’s no one here but me
And when the voices scream
No one hears them only me

But I hear them child
I hear the lies they say
I see beyond the shadows
I the light is within

I’ve seen the scars you make
I felt the pain of each
I watched the tears fall
I’ve collected every one

I’ve been with you everywhere
You just chose not to see
I’ve looked over you since forever
You just never to turned to me

And I’m here with you now
Now you’re crying out to the world
Though it seems none are listening
I am feeling every word

I’m calling you from the shadows
Calling you into this light
I’m taking you from this darkness
To be a beacon to people of the night

Stand with me my child
Take your refuge beneath my wings
Walk with me my child
Into all I have for you

I promise I will carry it all
The pain of all you’ve been
Look around I’ve set you free
All your chains have been released