Tag Archives: Rebuilding

Verse of the Day – Psalm 91:1-2

Psalm 91:1-2

Psalm 91:1-2

The first time I truly felt the shelter of the Most High was when I woke the morning after my first prayer, I had experience rest and sleep like I had never had before.  Over the weeks that followed He gave me the strength to quit drinking and brought me to His family, life was never the same again.

THE CROSS HAS THE FINAL WORD by CODY CARNES

The Cross Has the Final Word
The Cross Has the Final Word

Sorrow may come in the darkest night
but The Cross Has the Final Word

The Cross Has the Final Word
The Cross Has the Final Word

Evil may put up it’s strongest fight
but The Cross Has the Final Word

The Cross Has the Final Word
The Cross Has the Final Word

The Savior has the come with the morning light
The Cross Has the Final Word

The Cross Has the Final Word
The Cross Has the Final Word

He traded death for eternal life
The Cross Has the Final Word

There is nothing stronger,
Nothing higher,
Nothing greater,
Than the name of Jesus

All the honor,
All the power,
All the glory,
to the name of Jesus

There is nothing stronger,
Nothing higher,
Nothing greater,
Than the name of Jesus

All the honor,
All the power,
All the glory,
to the name of Jesus

There is nothing stronger,
Nothing higher,
Nothing greater,
Than the name of Jesus

All the honor,
All the power,
All the glory,
to the name of Jesus

The Cross Has the Final Word
The Cross Has the Final Word

The Savior has the come with the morning light
The Cross Has the Final Word

The Cross Has the Final Word
The Cross Has the Final Word

He traded death for eternal life
The Cross Has the Final Word

Whatever may come by, by his side
The Cross Has the Final Word

 

Rebuilding The Ruins

Rebuilding The Ruins

I have been hiding
Here among the broken ruins
That were created by my lies
Just waiting for a magic wand
To rebuild everything I’ve broken
I was left lying on the floor in the dust
Where my tears left a stain

But now I’ve awoken
By the mighty hand of God
My eyes have been opened wide
That I no longer see these ruins
Block by block, stone by stone
I’m rebuilding this city of mine
By the strength of grace and love
I can rebuild this to be new

The dust has gone
These floors of bright stone
Shine within the light of His glory
The Son is here by my side
Now I truly know that He never left
This part of His kingdom is rising high
With His strength I place these stones
To rebuild a life that once was broken
Yet by Grace has been made alive

Through Darkness to 250 Weeks Sober

If you have following my series of poems and verse of the day posts since the beginning of December, you may recall reading about my struggles during early December.  I didn’t elaborate on the issues back then, just wrote in my poems my deepest fears, my prayers and my pain.  In a way I have had to work through the issues before I could really write objectively about that period of my life and the changes that have happened.

If you have followed me for some time, you will know that a number of years ago I began to struggle in life, no work, no money and very little opportunity to get out of the situation.  Although even at that point I enjoyed a drink, I began to rely on drinking to get through, to the point I put drinking before paying bills and looking after my partner and our two kids, I was a mess.  That was until March 2012, when I began to realise that Victoria and I had severely drifted apart, I tried to put things right, to say I was sorry, but it was too late, it was unrepairable.

I went into a spiral of just drinking for a week, I realised I had no control over it anymore, it had control of me, I was trapped.  On 18th March 2012, I seriously considered taking my own life, I felt I was a burden on those around me and everyone would be better off without me around.  But I couldn’t do it, through all the thoughts of hopelessness I heard a voice, it told me “it is better that you kids live with you as you are now, rather than the memory of what they will find”.  I couldn’t do it after that, I realised my kids would be the ones who found my lifeless body and I couldn’t do that to them.

The next day I met with my now Pastor, I was reaching out for help, I wasn’t a Christian at that point, I had no real concept of God, He didn’t exist to me, but after meeting with Gareth, things began to change.  A few nights later I began praying for help and finally on Thursday 29th March 2012 I took my last drink and vowed never to drink again, three days later I walked into Church and found my home.

These past few years have had their ups and downs, but I’ve made it through sober all the way.  But I make no secret that I have prayed over and over again for the restoration of my relationship with Victoria, I have prayed and prayed for it.  We still lived in the same house with the kids, but in different rooms, we lived different lives, but made it work, in a way.  It was hard seeing her every day, but not being able to change anything, but I kept praying.

Earlier last year, she informed me that she would be looking to move out within a year, then later in the year she said her friends were doing up a house they had brought and when it was done she would be renting that from them.  In November she confirmed the date for her and the kids to move out would be the 10th December.

I did everything I could not to think about it, I believed it would never happening, I had been praying over this for years and there was no way this was going to happen, God would come through, wouldn’t He?

I didn’t tell anyone what was happening, I kept it hidden, until the weekend before, when a friend asked about the situation at Church, then I broke down, the reality that this could happen was sinking in.

On Saturday 10th December I went to work as usual, when I came home they were taking the last load of furniture and things, I was broken, the kids had already gone, I went into the bathroom and just cried, I could hear Victoria calling to me, but I just sat there on the bathroom floor crying with my head in my hands, then the house was quiet.

The place was a mess, I was a mess.  That afternoon I went to teach at Karate, I managed to get through that, it took my mind off things, then went to a friend’s from our Connect group to watch the boxing, again my mind was kept occupied.

It was the next day when the deepest pain come to the fore.  I was supposed to be going to a karate course down south, a few of my students were grading for their black belts, I was really needed to go with them, but I couldn’t face it, so I cancelled my lift and decided I needed to be in Church.

I was okay at home that morning, then I set off for Church, I was on team, so I always get there early, usually one of the first.  As I walked to Church I began to feel more emotional, like I was just ready to burst.  When I got there, a few people were milling around, I said hello and got on with my set up.  Then one of the guys asked how I really was, they knew what was going on, this time I couldn’t hide or hold it in anymore, I just broke down into tears.  I spent almost all the morning in tears, it all came out, I just cried and cried, every time someone spoke to me or asked how I was I broke down again, I cried on so many shoulders.  On this journey I have cried so many times, over so many things, but not like this and not in so public a way, so many people came past, people I didn’t even know, but they all reached out with a hand upon my shoulder, a gesture, but a welcome one.

That was the worst day.  From then I had to question my faith.  Over the next few days I had to work out what I was going to do from there.  I had prayed for our situation so many times, I believed I had God’s promise that we would be restored, the ruins would be rebuilt, now it seemed all was at an end, where did that leave me and how do I feel about it?

Though I didn’t cry much after that Sunday, it was still a dark place.  I have always struggled up to Christmas, it’s not a great time for alcoholics, drinking and partying is everywhere and you see all these families having a great time, all I can do is dream of having what they have.  So now it felt darker and the fears of slipping back into old ways was closer to the surface than ever.

I was in a place where my faith was severely tested, if God’s promise was for restoration, what is this place I find myself, how could I get this so wrong, did God lie to me, does He really exist or do I really believe?  But the only way through this was the thought that I had been to even darker places, I had been to the edge of life, but each time God had led me out, if He had done this for me before, then He would do it again, no matter how dark the situation.

Once I placed my trust in this belief, that God has my back, no matter what, then I began to pull through.  The emptiness of the house, the mess I was living in was nothing, just temporary, get through these next few days, get to Christmas, make it through New Year and everything would be fine.

A few months ago, I had one of those despair moments whilst walking to work, crying out for restoration, but as I walked God clearly said:

“Trust me, the seven year drought will soon be over, then prosperity will come”

I believed the drought was our relationship, but now I believe it is me, I was the drought, I was dry and barren within, He has repeatedly called out to me to trust Him, I have prayed for my desires, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I was also getting hung up on it, setting my life on it happening, letting it define me, that I believe was the drought.

As Christmas came closer, I began to sort the house out, so I had at least something comfortable when the kids came over.  Money fell into place at the right time, I got paid for all my extra work the week before Christmas, I could get the kids presents and get things for the house.

I have to say this, I have just got through Christmas over the last few years, not really enjoyed them, just been glad to get through them unscathed.  But this time around, I loved Christmas, it was the best Christmas I have had in a long while, for at least seven years anyway.  I haven’t felt so happy or optimistic in many a year.  As New Year came, my Connect Group friends came through with beds and other furniture for me and the kids.  Apart from items in the kitchen and one sofa, Victoria took everything else, which was fine, they needed it more than I did, I would rather the kids be comfortable and have everything they needed than myself.

My parents helped with many things too, they are going to help me decorate the bedrooms for the kids, they are retired and have the time in the day.  I am gradually getting the house how I want it, I am becoming domesticated too, I worked out the washing machine, the oven, all that sort of stuff.  I don’t leave pots on the side any more, I wash them straight away, in fact I am a little worried about how tidy I am becoming, this is not my natural self.

In this moment I am happier than I have been in such a long time.  I am more enthusiastic for my future than ever and fully content with where I am at the moment, today is even more special, as;

I AM 250 WEEKS SOBER TODAY, 1750 SOBERDAYS!!!!!!!

This could have gone so wrong over Christmas, but it didn’t, once again God led me out and now I place my trust in Him fully, I put my faith in Him and face my future with optimism and hope.  I don’t know what prosperity looks like, but I can’t wait to find out.  I certainly feel the drought is over.

I could never have got through this without God, the amazing people of my Connect Group and Church have been immense, without them this would have been so much harder, they have kept me going when it would have been easier to give in, I haven’t and I am still here by the grace of God.

And I am staying here!

I want to add thank you for all of you who continue to read, like and comment on my writings, I know I don’t always respond, but I do appreciate everything.

I considered stopping writing at one point last year, I even thought about pulling down my blog, I have also had a few issues with an ex student targeting my on Facebook, with so very insulting and obscene comments about me, my family and my karate club, this is currently with the Police, although I don’t believe they can do much, it was something I could do without, I add that to get through it, I have not responded or retaliated in anyway on Facebook or anywhere else, I chose to pray for them, for their heart and their soul, I prayed that they may find God and find peace in their life, it made it easy to get through and get beyond.

I decided to continue with the series of poems into this year, I have written at least one poem everyday for two years now, I thought I would be all poemed out, but no I decided I would carry on for another year at least, so I have created a number of bible verse images to write about and will continue for the next year at least.

So this next year, only God know what’s in store, but I am so enthusiastic, so happy and so content!!!

DAYLIGHT by BRAVE SAINT SATURN
Did you hear the news today?
I’m not coming home, no
And I wished it all away
I felt so alone, yeah
And the darkness crept it’s way
Like stars we know will die too soon
There is never any sunrise here in the shadows of eclipsing moons
Crawling on a tightrope
The bravest thing I have is hope

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, tonight

Halogen, the lights will flicker
Incandescent burning lies
And the silence stands for nothing
Desperate I search the skies
Aching for a spark
Trembling in pitchest dark

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, tonight

Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?
We have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria

U.S.S. Gloria: Mission Control, this is the U.S.S. Gloria, do you read me?
Mayday, we have lost primary guidance functions

News Reporter: The crew is now out of radio contact.
Presently there is no way for us to know whether they
Are alive or dead.
Our hopes and prayers go out with you all.

Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?

U.S.S. Gloria: Houston this is the U.S.S. Gloria.
Good to hear your voice
We are coming out of the eclipse now.
I see the sunlight. it’s beautiful
The sunlight is beautiful.

Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness, You held me
Still held me
When desperate nights I cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone
Your words are life
Cut marrow through
The darkness, to the bone
A heart of flesh You gave me
Only You can save me

Savior
Daylight
I am coming home

Castle Of Ruins

Castle Of Ruins

Like the skeleton of a castle
From days long since past
Some things forever remain in ruins
But in my eyes I can see
The castle rebuilt in front of me
Every stone is lifted upon the wind
And put in place by the Maker’s hand
As the walls reach up towards heaven
So am I destined to remain in ruin
Or will I submit myself to the Maker’s hand
To put back together all I have destroyed
And before my eyes will life become new
And reach up high unto the heavens
Where you’ll hear my voice shouting with joy
In wonderful praise before the feet of my Lord
Where I’m destined to be forevermore
Not left between the ruins of these walls

Something New

Something New

We could kiss the start of something new
Meet it together under a new moonlight
A light of the stars could illuminate our souls
Together a love beyond this world
This we could do if we see each other’s eyes
Instead of hiding our gaze under pride’s cloak
Is this dead or just in slumber
Are these His wishes for these two hearts
To be torn apart by the poison’s hold
We could try again me and you
And kiss the start of something new

A Life In A Box

I guess sometimes you just have to pack things away and say goodbye to them, there was a day in my life where I had to do that, if I was ever going to break the chains that alcohol had gripped me with, then I had to start breaking them one by one.

It started the day when I met with Gareth, the day before had been the lowest day of my life, I had been face to face with the mirror, telling myself the world would better off if I was dead, God had broken that cycle of thought and even though I still drank that evening, there was a feeling of hope and optimism.

The next morning I called Gareth, we met later that evening and things began to change, they prayed for me that evening and for the first time I felt I was ready to accept God.

The evening before I had quite finished the second bottle of wine, I had had five pints of strong cider at the pub, picked up two bottles of wine on the way home and started on them as soon as I got in.

Usually if I fall asleep part way through a bottle, I would wake up and then finish it, even if it was 6.30am and I started work an hour later, I could easily drown half a bottle and get ready for work, still nobody suspected a thing. I had also become good at falling asleep with an open bottle of wine in my hand, note I never used glasses at home, I drank straight from the bottle, but I could fall asleep with a bottle in my hand and wake still holding tightly and not a drop being spilt either, I could even do it with full cans too.

Before my meeting with Gareth, I came back from work and Victoria was just getting ready to go out, she asked me the question she always asked if she was going out….

“Do you need to go to the shop?”

Essentially asking if I needed to go and buy alcohol, I was horrified! Normally I would say yes, grab what money I could find and head off to the shop, but this evening I knew there was no way I could drink in front of these two people, how could she think I would need to. I guess she though I would need it afterwards, but in my mind I knew this would be the start of the fight back.

I mentioned the fact to Gareth and Alex, that I had just under half a bottle of wine left and I may or may not drink it when they had gone. But really when they entered my house, so did an element of protection, they opened the door to God in my life and he walked in and threw His protection all over me. When they had gone, I had no inclination to drink from that bottle, it stayed where I had placed it earlier that day, on top of the fridge. There was a peace of sorts now upon me and drinking that bottle never crossed my mind, neither did the thought of going out to buy more.

That bottle stayed where I had placed it that morning for the next six days, I hatched a plan for it and that part of my life that it represented. Each day I walked passed the bottle, I looked up at it, but I would point a finger at it and talk to it. Each time I walked by I would tell it that it couldn’t have me, it wasn’t going to win, I wasn’t giving in to it anymore, victory would be mine and it was part of my plan to turn my life around.

Although as that week went by, I was still drinking, I would still have a drink a the pub after teaching, I was getting control back, I would only have two pints and then go, I wouldn’t try to persuade anyone to drink with me or stay a little longer, even though they didn’t want to, I would just get up and leave.  And that Sunday, as low as it was, was the last time any alcohol was ever brought into this house.

So come the following Sunday I put my plan into action, in my mind I wasn’t ready to go to Church yet, I was still drinking and I still had things I had to sort out. I was praying each day by now, simply asking for strength to get though each day. Each day I was trying to make changes in my life, changes for the better, starting to look after myself, no longer was I the unshaven, unkept and an unclean shadow of my former self that I had let myself become, I was turning things around.

So that morning I walked into town and brought the biggest plastic storage box I could, together with new bedding. When I got home I took all my old bedding and the old pillows and placed them in the bottom of this new box. Each night all I could smell on them was the stale odour of sweat and alcohol, I needed to lay my head on something clean, so now I had new bedding, that smelt new and not like the old me.

Then I took all the old clothes which I would lounge about the house in, all the socks and underwear that were torn and worn out, the clothes that reminded me of the unkept wretch I had faced in the mirror just the Sunday before. I even put in my watch, the fabric strap had the same stale smell to it, I had to be rid of it.

By now the box was pretty full, there was just enough room for one more thing, so I went into the kitchen and took down the bottle from the fridge and placed it on top of everything else. I closed the box, took a marker pen and wrote on the side of the box…

“I don’t need these anymore, to be put in the cellar with rest of the rubbish.
This is where the healing begins. Wayne Sunday 25th March 2012″

The Forgotten Box

The Forgotten Box

This was one of those moments where something inside told me to do this, a sort of cleansing from my life of all that reminded me of the person I had become, but desperately didn’t want to be anymore. That guy died in front of that mirror the week before, the guy that was placing these items in that box was a new being, he was fighting, he hadn’t given in.

It would be another four days until I finally took that last drink and then the following Sunday I walked into Church, it had been an eventful two weeks, but one that was full of God, from the moment He spoke to me in my hopelessness in front of the mirror, to now being in Church and God making me feel like I was home.

BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY & LACEY STURM
Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn’t looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I’ve never known
That I’ve never felt before

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
In my life

The Prison

The Prison (Isaiah 42:6-7)

Dark places I hid
From light I turned my face
From the truth I closed my ears
In my prison I was the guard
The warden and the captive
Held against my will
In my weakness I beat the walls
In hope maybe this world would hear
On the darkest night a door opened
One that these eyes had never seen
Pure light walked through
And took hold of my hand
Shaking my tears fell to the dirt
As You picked me up
And carried me out into the light

Isaiah 42:6-7

Isaiah 42:6-7

Two Days To Save A Life

TWO DAYS TO SAVE A LIFE

I remember the day
A day of so much pain
Nearing the brink
Wanting it all to end

Darkness fell on a troubled mind
 Broken thoughts of a worthless life
Hope all spent
Please let this end

Hatched a plan
There in that run
Draw the steel and enter the water
And wait for it all to end

Yet at the last came a voice
To think of them
My precious two
To hold on now it’s not the end

Hatred and anger well inside
Too cowardly to live
And not the courage to die
Stuck in the void just before the end

I cried and cried
And the day passed to night
Until the morning came
And the new light began to rise

Your courage came in numbers before
A voice and a friend
At the end of the line
I feel the hope begin to rise

The mess of yesterday
You were washing clean
There’s a spring in the step
As a dormant soul is on the rise

They came, a smile
Their friendly faces
I cried and talked as chains fell
A soul is free, it’s time to rise

I call out to You
You gave me the strength
You told me here the healing begins
The beast defeated so I could rise

 

Clay

Clay (Jeremiah 18:4)

The cracks they appear
Clay splits from clay
Bigger and bigger
This pots breaking up
And I just hold on
I just keep refusing
To let this clay be remade

So here I am broken
Here I stand marred
I wish, I pray
That this clay be reshaped
Mould me again Father
Shape in Your vision
And let me never break again

Jeremiah 18:4

Jeremiah 18:4

The Pit Of The Mountain

The Pit Of The Mountain (Jonah 2:6-7)

Foot of the mountain
There I stood
Shadowed, dwarfed, defeated

No way could I see
And there I sank
Digging my pit
Deeper, wider, darker

In my desperate hour
Your voice I remembered
Loud, clear, defiant

My prayer I sang out
Rising high to the holy temple
Then You raise me to find
Life, love, light

Jonah 2:6-7

Jonah 2:6-7