Tag Archives: Relient K

The Story So Far – Chapter 14 – The First Christmas

CHAPTER 14 – THE FIRST CHRISTMAS

As December approached and discussions at work turned to Christmas parties and how much alcohol our customers would give us all as tips.  I kept myself distant from any discussions, normally our Customers bring in either boxes of cans or give an amount of money as a donation, which is then used at the Christmas party.  The arrangements were made for a meal at an Indian Restaurant and then the obligatory pub crawl around town afterwards, I agreed to whatever arrangements, but made it clear I would not go on the pub crawl, which they accepted.

I wasn’t looking forward to the meal itself, I went and I joined in as best I could, but I felt uncomfortable all night.  Everyone knew the situation apart from the partner of one my colleges.  Obviously everyone else had a beer or a glass of wine, then there’s me with a coke and water, then you get that rather obvious question of why am I not drinking!   I have to say that I didn’t feel like explaining myself, not that I need to or not that I’m afraid to say I’m an alcoholic, but just at that moment in time, when I already felt uncomfortable, I really didn’t want to go through it, after a couple of rather awkward answers to her questions, her partner had a quiet work in her ear, she then left it, she looked rather embarrassed as she sat there.  Don’t get me wrong she was a generally nice person, ordinarily the none drinking would probably be the designated driver, asking those questions would have been fairly appropriate, but my reasons where deeper than that, maybe any other night or anywhere else I would not have had a problem answering them, but on this night I wasn’t in a comfortable place and this made it no better.

I made it through the meal and then left them all and walked home alone.  Thankfully I don’t live far from town and at the speed I walk, it only took about fifteen minutes, I still got home in time to watch Match of the Day with my son.

Although it was rather an uncomfortable evening, by the time I got home I was actually pretty pleased with myself.  I saw this as a big test of my sobriety, a big test of my will power.  The year before I had joined in and followed them all uncomfortably around town drinking along with them, although not enjoying it, I never liked pub crawls after all, I drank pints until I felt full and then went on to glasses of rum, the only spirit that I ever liked.  That time I got home a little worse for wear and had the hangover the next morning.  The funny thing was I could sit at home and drink more, much more and not feel anything the next day, I always had that kind of fuzziness, that permanent hangover I guess, but it was only when I went out like this that I got what most people would consider a hangover.

So I knew that getting through the night and once again walking home alone, getting through even being extremely uncomfortable, but still not being tempted by the drink was a victory.  It’s strange that although being apprehensive beforehand and uncomfortable throughout, I do not remember ever being tempted by a drink, all around me were drinking, but I knew I couldn’t, I knew I didn’t want to, I was enjoying this sober life, everything was going well and to give in now, would be to let down the Father who had given me the strength to overcome situations like this.

There were a number of other things bothering me about Christmas, usually Christmas is a time of drinking more than ever, usually I would have more alcohol in the house than normal.  I also had a tradition of going into town and buying a bottle or two of sparkling wine to go with Christmas dinner, normally my everyday bottles of wine were fairly cheap, the more I could get for the less money the better, but for Christmas dinner I would normally treat myself, something a little more expensive, not that expensive, I didn’t have that much money, but a little treat to myself, being as I would be the only one that would drink it.

Also I would get an amount of alcohol as Christmas presents too.  If people didn’t know what to buy me, they would usually resort to a few bottles or can of beer, a bottle of wine or a bottle of rum.  It was a safe bet that I would get alcohol at Christmas, plus there would usually be a box of Chocolate Liquors.  Most people I knew had probably heard by then that I had quit drinking, but in all honesty probably did not know the reason why, they didn’t know how it had taken over my life, my thoughts, my actions, my everything.  I had been fairly open and honest about it over the previous nine months, but it’s not something that you are really going to broadcast to the whole world.

Yes I started a blog, I put it on there, but I had been careful as to which circles I put that content out to, I posted on Twitter, but not Facebook.  I came to realise that most of the people I knew on Facebook broadcast every part of their life, striving only for comments and sympathy or used it as a political soapbox to force their views on others or ridicule others.  Although I wasn’t ashamed of my story and my problem, I was careful to avoid what I deemed to be a negative place.

I had lived in such negativity, that I was keen to cut out anything that I deemed negative, that even included beginning to distance myself from those around me that had a negative outlook.

So when it came to Christmas Day, I was surprised and somewhat relieved when all I got was the obligatory shower gel, socks and deodorant!  Okay not the most exciting of presents, but I was actually pretty pleased with the haul as I didn’t have to face my biggest enemy.

Even that fear of chocolate liquors was all in vain.  I researched them on the internet in the run up to Christmas, but still couldn’t make my mind up as to whether they actually contained any alcohol or not, I guess some did and other’s didn’t, but regardless I had made my mind up that I wouldn’t touch them, even if they didn’t.  Out of principle and peace of mind, it was easier to just refuse them, than to just never be sure, in the end though, all this was unnecessary as I didn’t get any anyway!

Getting through Christmas Day itself was a bit of a victory too.  I was dreading being alone, I could have gone to my Mum and Dad’s for dinner, but chose not to, my Mum means well, but she can’t half pester and question you to the point you really want to snap!  In the end Victoria’s Mum asked if I wanted to join them for lunch, I agreed and after Church I set off there.  It went okay, it was good to see Victoria’s brothers again, we always got on well, also it was good to spend at least part of Christmas day with the kids.  Mid afternoon they all went to Victoria’s Nan’s and I went home.  I have to be honest and say I cried a little when I got home, the silence of the place seemed more intense with it being Christmas Day, but I soon fell asleep and slept it all off.  They came home earlier than usual and I spent the evening with the kids, which made for a good day in the end, far better than I was actually expected, I really didn’t want to face my first Christmas Day without the kids or without alcohol for that matter.  But apart from a few tears in the afternoon, I got through it.

By Christmas my blog had really began to take off.  I was really enjoying writing all the posts and exploring the blogs of other recovering addicts and followers of Christ.  I was gaining regular followers and receiving some pretty amazing comments, commending my fight for sobriety and my testimony.  I had even begun to branch out, to included photography, mainly of all the amazing sunrises I encountered during my morning walks, but interestingly I started writing poetry.

It came from ideas and thoughts that I had whilst walking, in time I just decided to start writing them down.  When I look back now a lot of that earlier experimentation with poetry I now really dislike, many I never really connected with, I was just trying something new, I went with it, but never felt comfortable posting some of it.  The only ones I seemed to find comfortable posting were the ones that were primarily between me and God, eventually my poetry became all faith based.

I found that in the low times, when I was struggling, I would just put it all down in a poem, like a written prayer.  Then I would get a feeling for what God was saying to me in response and I would write that down, into a poem too, like a conversation between the two of us, but all in poems.

I still write that way, I often write in prayer and answer, sometimes separate poems, sometimes the conversation runs through a single poem, a verse of prayer, then a verse of God’s response and so on.  Over time in my lowest moments, I would find myself awake in the middle of the night, writing it all down in a poem, then I would put it straight on to my blog and post it, in a strange way it lifted much of the pain, somehow in doing that I found a peace, I let go of the problem, it’s a formula that works for me now.

As the New Year came around I was doing really well, I was still walking every morning, whatever the weather, in fact my best ever walk took place on a dark morning in a snow storm in the middle of January.  There was no one else to be seen, the street’s were deserted, but the old the cycle track was alive.  My footsteps weren’t the first ones in the snow that morning, they may have been the first human steps along the path, but the hundreds of rabbits and hares scampering around me, seemed to be enjoying the snow.   Also for the one and only time, on my walks down the track, I caught sight of a couple of foxes running freely along the track in front of me, they didn’t seem to bothered by me, as they ran along ahead, but I had never seen them before and alas I’ve never seen them since.

The cycle track takes me by a small lake, it’s an old gravel pit that was flooded some years ago, the track passes it and I walk by it every morning on the way to work, but if I time it right the lake really catches the sunrise.  I often found I would sit there as the sun rose, reading the bible and taking pictures of the scene before me.  It didn’t matter how cold it was, I would sit there in the early hours of the morning, maybe the odd dog walker would pass by, some of whom I became friends with, but mainly just me, the birds on the lake, the sunrise and God, it was an amazing way to start the day.

I found when I was walking in the morning, the days were always so much better, that time with God set me up for the day.  The odd days when I didn’t get out walking, then for some reason my days just didn’t have that same balance, things just didn’t seem as good and I knew why, so the next morning I would do everything I could to get back out again.

MERRY CHRISTMAS HERE’S TO MANY MORE by RELIENT K
I made it through the year and I did not even collapse
Gotta say “Thank God for that.”
I’m torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half
I’ll fall apart or stay in tact

With tired eyes I stumble back to bed
I need to realize my sorry life’s not hanging by a thread
At least not yet

So look at me now
it’s finally Christmas and I’m home
Head indoors, to get out of this weather
And I don’t know how
But the closest friends I’ve ever known are all inside
Siging together
Singing merry Christmas, here’s to many more

It always hurt to be all by myself this time of year
A cold and lonely Chirstmas Eve
And living out my days alone
Well that had been my deepest fear
But You promised You won’t leave

I look towards the east and see a star
Jesus Christ, has blessed my life to know just who You are
You are my hope

So look at me now
It’s finally Christmas and I’m home
Head indoors, to get out of this weather
And I don’t know how
But the closest friends I’ve ever known are all inside
Singing together
Singing merry Christmas, here’s to many more

Deck the halls with mistletoe
May all your heavy burdens go
Up the chimney in a cloud of smoke
The fire’s burning bright
Strike up the band and play the tune
‘Cause Christmas will be here and soon
You’ll hear oursong in every room
This merry Christmas night

Singing merry Christmas, here’s to many more

fa la la la
fa la la la

Singing together
Singing merry Christmas, here’s to many more

Weird & Wonderful World of Search Engines

I am sure many of you fellow bloggers regularly check the stats for your site, I do and very often check how people reach my site from search engines, most seem quite normal, many reach it by searching on various sober phrases, which is a given as this Blog is primarily about my sobriety.

But then you get the strange ones, I’ve tried some of them and I can’t find myself, which makes them even odder in my opinion.

I have had 28 hits from various search phrases related to Otto the Autopilot and Airplane! The Movie, thanks to my post Say Goodbye to Otto. I get this one, if you have found your way here by that reference, I hope you have enjoyed what you have found, even if you were looking for a superb article on a classic comedy film, but instead get the drawn out ramblings of a recovering drunk, sorry for the confusion and please don’t call me Shirley!

I have had a couple of refers from searches for Fun Bobby from Friends, this time due to my post Meet “Fun Bobby”, again I can understand that, because when I was looking for suitable pictures there wasn’t that much on the web, which was surprising given the popularity of Friends. Once again I am sorry if you have just searched on Fun Bobby and got this page.

Then there are the real odd ones, if you are searching for one of these, I am sorry but I can not help you, you are definitely barking up the wrong tree (or at the moon)!

“Why do wine bottles have dimples on bottom?”

I haven’t really got a clue and to be honest I don’t given a monkeys, obviously someone did they searched on it twice and got my Blog!

“Simple sober front room”

Not really sure what a “Simple Sober Front Room” is, never mind why anyone would be searching for one!

“John Carpenter is only 5 feet, 2 inches tall”

What has this got to do with my Blog, the only John Carpenter that I’m aware anyone would search on is the film director, my inquisitiveness lead me to look this up (it all adds to my pub quiz knowledge, you never know when you are going to get a question like “How tall is John Carpenter”), but my searches lead to the fact he is 6ft 1inch tall, so I haven’t got a clue who this John Carpenter is or why he is shorter than I am (that does take some doing, to be honest) or indeed why anyone is searching for this information, other than a master pub quizzer like myself.

“Stupid & guinea fowl” & “Guinea fowl aggression”

These were two separate searches on different days and obviously relate to my post A Left Eye & The Guinea Fowl. I hope these people found the information they needed, basically yes, Guinea Fowl are aggressive, yes they are stupid, yes it is stupid to let one stand on a gate next to you because they are aggressive and will try to take your eye out, if you do stand next to one on a gate wear eye protection. I hope if you search again you have the answers you are looking for, otherwise you are in the wrong place mate!

“What happens if you turn the wind up torch the other way?”

What is this one on, does it matter, is there a way to hold a wind up torch? Which ever way you point it the light will shine, why waste time asking, just go and buy one and find out!

“Dads giving first breastmilk bottle”

Okay, now I am getting a little freaked out, err I know there is obviously a strong reference to Bottle here, the site is called “The Bottom of a Bottle”, but breastmilk, I’m not sure I’ve talked about breastmilk on here. I can honestly say (apart from maybe when I was like one year old) that I categorically do not have an addiction to breastmilk, therefore I have nothing to discuss on the topic, thank you!

And finally…….

“Constant feeling of having something press on my bladder and I am a man”

Err, I don’t even know where to start with this one, if you have just found this page by searching on this, I am so sorry for your infliction, but I am not sure your are in the right place, a Doctors maybe the first place to start. I must say I haven’t tried this one in the search engine, hang on I’ll have a go………..

………..Err okay, I just tried that in Google, I’ve been through the first ten pages and this blog does not appear on there, so how that got in there I don’t know, but this one did come on page seven, if it is of any help: Bed Wetting Adults

If you have used any of the above searches and your are an avid follower of my blog, I am so sorry for any offence through my light hearted look at the weird and wonderful, please do not unfollow, I am truly sorry, honest.

If you have stumbled on this page by accident from any of these searches then please try this site: Help Is At Hand

Or just seek some therapy!

“Cause this is my therapy
Cause you’re the only one that’s listening to me
This is my therapy
Let’s call it what it is not what we were
With a death-grip on this life that’s in transition
This is my therapy
Cause you won’t hear me out and that makes
God the only one who’s left here listening”
 (Therapy? By Relient K)

P.S.  Oh heck, I’ve just realised I’ve made my blog a haven for bed wetting adults, oh well, everyone is welcome!

Carols, Candles & Congratulations

At times over the last nine months I have faced tests in both my sobriety and faith, sometimes these tests have come after moments of triumph or celebration, other times a precursor to celebration.

Just like my Baptism day, if you follow my blog then you know how special that day was to me, you will also know it came after a day of failure, a day that tested my faith, but I held true and was rewarded.  Last night was again a test, this time a test of my sobriety once again, I stuck with it and made it through, I counted another day.

Today was Carols By Candlelight at Everyday Champions Church today, I have recently joined the Audio Visual team, but have no experience at anything like this, so today I found myself in charge of one of the video cameras.  I’ve had a brief dabble with one of the camera’s last week, but not to this extent, but sometimes being thrown in at the deep end is the best way to learn, we can shy away and blame inexperience or we can just get on with it and do the best job we can, hopefully I achieved the latter.

It was a long day with two services and lots of rehearsal during the day, but both services ran well, with great performances from both the Worship band and the juniors in their Bethlehem’s Got Talent performance.

Gareth’s message was based around answering God’s call, how we would respond when God calls us, do we answer or do we ignore it?

Well after years of ignoring the call, I am so glad that on the 19th March 2012, Gareth answered my telephone call, as a result of Gareth’s willingness to meet with me and help me, I answered God’s call, I spoke with God and he forgave me for all I have done and gave me the strength to move forward.

I have Gareth to thank for bringing God into my life, on that day back in March, I owe him so much.

So this morning I woke to find that I have received another award this time I have received the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award” from Paul at Facing Facts About Myself, I am so thankful to Paul, as he has been one of my earliest followers and an inspiration to myself also.

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

So the rules of the award, as I understand it are:

1) Display the award logo on your blog.
2) Link back to the person who nominated you.
3) State 7 things about yourself.
4) Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.
5) Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

So I have already displayed the award logo and linked back to Paul’s Blog, so seven things about myself.

Well I could go on all day, so I pick seven different categories and one thing for each:

1)  Me:
I am a 39 year old, father of two.

2)  Hobbies:
I have been doing karate for 32 of my 39 years, I teach five times a week, I’m a former National Kata Champion and competed at four European Championship and one World Championship.

3)  Quirky Fact
I am only five feet four and half inches tall, with hairy feet, I could be a Hobbit!

4)  Sad Fact
My dream woman would definitely by Audrey Hepburn, oh yes!

5)  Silly Fact
The trainers I bought back in August have worn out already, they should be guaranteed for at least 1500 miles of walking, shouldn’t they?

6)  Biggest Achievement:
Finding God back in March, quitting drinking and turning this mess of a life around.

7)  Future Hopes
I hope to just keep counting my SoberDays, with my God’s hand on my shoulder guiding my way.

So to nominate fifteen other Bloggers for the award, well unfortunately Paul got in first and nominated nearly every recovery Blogger I known, so between those on Paul’s list and the one’s I nominated for the Reality Blogging Award, it made my choice difficult so I have decided to split this into three sections, those that inspire from their stories of recovery, those that inspire through their faith and those that inspire just by the quirky look at life, so here goes, the nominees are in no particular order:

Soberistas
Finding My Strength
Recovering Life
The Red Sox Changed My Life
Sober In October
Mustard Seed Budget
To Give You Hope
Saint In Training
Kingdom Messenger
Weeping Into Dancing
25tofly
RunToInspire
CandyCoatedReality
The Other Side Of Ugly
Survive Heart Disease

I am sorry I haven’t given a brief reason why, but I do plan to do this at some point, when time allows, I promise.

But I would like to say to all of those listed above, thank you for your kind comments, the multiple likes for my posts and for simply continuing to post your inspirational articles.

I know I’ve posted this song previously, but today this song took on a real meaning to me.

“I made it through the year and I did not even collapse
Gotta thank God for that
I’m torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half
I’ll fall apart or stay intact”
(Merry Christmas, Here’s To Many More by Relient K)

I have to say that I wasn’t feeling the Christmas spirit this year, but after today I think I’m getting there, no matter what is thrown at me this Christmas, I am determined to enjoy it.

My Year So Far In Music

Back in June I started thinking about songs that map out my journey, I was listening to a lot of music, Christian artists mainly or just music that was inspiring, on my Baptism day I posted six songs on my Facebook page, six songs mapping my life from February to July, one to describe each month and a quick reason for each, now I have expanded the list for the whole year and I will describe the reasons in more detail:

January : Dead Man (Carry Me) by Jars of Clay

So carry me
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
(Dead Man (Carry Me) by Jars of Clay)

Back in January I was oblivious to what was happening in my life, I was working now for a couple of months, Christmas wasn’t that bad (the year before I was ill over Christmas up to New Year), so the drink had been flowing well, work equalled money, money equalled beer, so I was slowly becoming a Dead Man, people were carrying me, I just couldn’t see it, my friends, family and workmates didn’t know it, it wouldn’t be long before I was dead on the floor.  When I first heard this song following the breakdown of my life, the lyrics hit me right between the eyes, I was that dead man, I was carried longer than I ever realised, I had been dead on the floor for years.

——————————

February: Monster by Skillet

My secret side I keep
Hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
(Monster by Skillet)

This is a song I had played many times, infact it was one of the most played songs on my Ipod over the previous three years, but I was again completely oblivious to it’s relevance to my life.  The truth is there was a monster in me, I did keep it caged, but I couldn’t control it, I never let anyone see it, but it was there, I tried to fight it but lost everytime, it had control, I was it’s slave, a body and a soul consumed in torment.

——————————

March: Daylight by Brave Saint Saturn

Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness, You held me
Still held me
(Daylight by Brave Saint Saturn)

To understand the song you have to know the concept of Brave Saint Saturn, the band have released three albums that tell the story of a space mission to Saturn, the first album deals with the departure, the second the mission and it’s failure, the third the rescue and return.

Daylight is from the second album, the mission has gone wrong and the crew are stranded in darkness with no contact with mission control.  The song is meant as a metaphor for that feeling of isolation, that feeling I was going through, feeling lost and alone in darkness, unable to reach out for help.  The crew members try desperately to reach mission control, but fail, then they hear a voice, as their ship comes out of the darkness.  I felt the same way, I was lost, until a voice came through from mission control to bring Daylight to replace my darkness, Gareth Morgan came through bringing the light of Jesus with him, I truly made contact with mission control when I prayed for the first time on 21st March 2012.

——————————

April: Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear
(Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North)

I’ve posted before about the song Healing Begins and the message I received to listen to this song, all through April this song was my guide, it stood by me through the pain and my struggles, it kept me on my path, even when I felt like falling back into the darkness, it kept my striving for the light.

——————————

May: Right Beside You by Building 429

When the walls are closing in
And you think you’d rather sink than swim
When you think there’s nothing left for you to lose
I’ll be right beside you
(Right Beside You by Building 429)

Another song that I had listen to many times, but this song became more important to me as my journey with God took more significance and relevance in my life, I was still coming to terms with the pain and withdrawals, I realised when I was at my lowest, so close to succumbing to temptation, if I asked for help from God it was there, he was right beside me, it just hit a chord with me, it didn’t matter how low I was he was right beside me.

——————————

June: Dear X, You Don’t Own Me by Disciple

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful lies
(Dear X, You Don’t Own Me by Disciple)

This song was another I had listened to over the last few years, I really liked the song, but again never looked at it’s relevance to me, but as I became stronger and moved further away from the drink, I felt like I was gaining some element of control over it, I knew how to handle most of the feelings of temptation.  So X, which in my case stood for alcohol really didn’t own me anymore, it was still there trying, but I was fighting it, I had an element of control now, DEAR X (ALCOHOL), YOU DON’T OWN ME!!!!!!

——————————

July: Unbreakable by Fireflight

Now I am unbreakable, It’s unmistakable
No one can touch me, Nothing can stop me
(Unbreakable by Fireflight)

On the day I was baptised I posted this list of songs on Facebook, without any real explanations, I was looking for a song for July that described how I felt that day, having been baptised in the amazing circumstances that happened that day, well I was so high on the whole experience that I felt Unbreakable, nobody could break how I felt that day, that feeling would last for sometime.

 ——————————

August: Rise Above by Fireflight

Counting scars and losing track
Afraid to crash we never spread our wings
And with every chance we take we find a reason
To give up on the hope that we all need
(Rise Above by Fireflight)

With my control over my problems gradually improving, out of the blue I found this song, it said everything I was feeling at the time, whatever came my way, I had to rise above it, keep going on my path, whatever was throw at me, I could not afford to let it bring me down, I simply chose to rise above it, so this song just said everything.

 ——————————

September: Run to You (+ Meet You) by Parachute Band

You are calling you are calling me to you
And i run     and i run to you
I need you i cant get enough of you
I come alive when im in your presence oh God of my salvation
(Run to You (+ Meet You) by Parachute Band)

This was again another song I had added to my Ipod well before my world changed forever, but one morning on way to Church it randomly played, I was blown away by it’s beauty and the simple message, the song just hit me.  Walking home from Church I listened to it over and over again, I just felt the song, it says everything to me really, it didn’t matter what I did or where I tried to hide, he would meet me, Christ would find me and I am so grateful that he did.

 ——————————

October: Times by Tenth Avenue North

My love is over. It’s underneath
It’s inside. It’s in between
The times you doubt Me, when you can’t feel
The times that you question, ‘Is this for real?’
(Time by Tenth Avenue North)

Of all the songs on the album Over and Underneath, this song originally I didn’t really like, I still wasn’t a big fan when my world changed, then after listening to their new album The Struggle, I revisited this song and I finally understood it.  The song basically has two parts to it, in the first part the singer questions his relationship with God, the second part God replies that no matter what you do his love will always be there.  At a time when things in my journey became real and I questioned if I was ready for it, I got my answers, this song played out in my life, I questioned, he answered.

 ——————————

November: Don’t Change a Thing by Seabird

Waking up before the sun came up, was a fight that I would lose
To fall in love without a heart must be the hardest part for you
If I could change anything I’d change everything but you
Please promise me you won’t change a thing
(Don’t Change a Thing by Seabird)

The reoccurring theme here is that all these songs were on my Ipod well before my fall, they were there, I had listened to them many times, they were on my regular play list, but I hadn’t heard them, I hadn’t taken their lyrics and questioned them or their relevance to my life, now I feel them, I see the words, I hear them, at times many of these songs still reduce me to tears, I just can’t believe I never really heard them before.  If I could go back to that darkness I was in, with what I know now, I would change everything but Christ, in fact I have, the only constant is Christ, I have with his help changed everything.

 ——————————

December (hopefully): Merry Christmas, Here’s To Many More by Relient K

I made it through the year and I did not even collapse
Gotta thank God for that
I’m torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half
I’ll fall apart or stay intact
(Merry Christmas, Here’s To Many More by Relient K)

I know we are only in November, but I love this song, it is my all time favourite Christmas song, narrowly beating “Fairytale of New York”.  I just hope that I make to through the year with out collapsing (again anyway), I will certainly thank God for that, though not everyone I love will be there to greet me, I will be thankful to have at least reached Christmas, things could have gone horribly wrong this year, between contemplation of suicide and being a heart attack waiting to happen, whatever happens for me this Christmas, I will be glad just to have made it.