Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
I so remember those dark nights of being unable to sleep, that’s why I drank, to drink myself to sleep and escape. But now, since that first time that I prayed, I have been receiving the sweetest sleep ever.
EVEN IF by KUTLESS Sometimes all we have to hold on to Is what we know is true of who You are So when the heartache hits like a hurricane That could never change who You are And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn’t come And life falls apart And dreams are still undone You are God You are good Forever faithful One Even if the healing Even if the healing doesn’t come
Lord we know Your ways are not our ways So we set our faith in who You are Even though You reign high above us You tenderly love us We know Your heart And we rest in who You are
Even if the healing doesn’t come And life falls apart And dreams are still undone You are God You are good Forever faithful One Even if the healing Even if the healing doesn’t come
You’re still the Great and Mighty One We trust You always You’re working all things for our good We’ll sing your praise
You are God and we will bless You As the Good and Faithful One You are God and we will bless You Even if the healing doesn’t come Even if the healing doesn’t come
Tonight I have switched off both alarms on my phone, I do not intend to wake up early at all tomorrow. For the first time since New Year’s Day I don’t have to get up to leave the house before 8am.
I have the next three days off work, apart from Christmas and New Year, it’s my first days off since Victoria went to The Gambia, especially now I work every Saturday morning, so I fully intend to take it easy. It will also give me the chance to catch up on a few blogs.
Having said that with two kids in the house, rushing around getting ready for school, I don’t actually think I’ll get much in the way of a lay in though.
Plus you can bet that my body clock will kick in at about 5am when my first alarm usually goes off, what’s the betting I won’t be able to get back to sleep. Oh well, we’ll see!
THIS IS LOVE by LUMINATE I’m burning inside, these thoughts of you control my mind A love I can’t shake as I lie awake tonight This is different from the rest, more than a feeling or a second guess And I can’t breathe ’til you’re holding me again This is love, keeping me awake tonight This is love, I can’t free you from my mind Cause I’ve never felt a part of something greater than myself until now (Oh) I’m waking up Cause this is love I have to be with you, cause I can’t make it on my own My fears are forgotten when I’m standing here with you So where do we go from here, they say the future’s so unclear But I don’t care I’ll go anywhere with you I’ll go anywhere, we can go anywhere To a love I can’t deny You are the dawn that breaks the night You have my heart, you have everything Cause this is love This is love, oh This is love, oh
Do you ever get the feeling that you can’t go on any further?
I know I did last year, I reached a mountain I couldn’t climb, but now I feel rested and ready to go for it again.
I certainly feel I found that shelter under the shadow of His wings!
GLORIOUS RUINS by HILLSONG LIVE When the mountains fall And the tempest roars You are with me When creation folds Still my soul will soar on Your mercy
I’ll walk through the fire With my head lifted high And my spirit revived in Your story And I’ll look to the cross As my failure is lost In the light of Your glorious grace
Let the ruins come to life In the beauty of Your Name Rising up from the ashes God forever You reign
And my soul will find refuge In the shadow of Your wings I will love You forever And forever I’ll sing
When the world caves in Still my hope will cling to Your promise Where my courage ends Let my heart find strength in Your presence
I came upon a mountain For which I had no strength to climb I slipped and then I stumbled Until I lay in tears upon the ground But there I found my rest Shelter under the shadow of Your wings You heard my silent cries You wiped away tears I stayed a while Laying still in peace You gave You eased my worry You renewed my strength Until it was time to try again Now I’ve taken steps upon this giant Though it may take to time to climb
Yet I feel it tremble beneath my every step Together we will shake it to it’s foundations Until it crumbles beneath my feet Then I raise my hands and sing my praise In thanks for the rest You gave
I have to say that over the last few months, I certainly feel like I found that refuge.
I WILL TRUST YOU by BRYAN & KATIE TORWALT Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil thing In this life I have seen your faithfulness In this life I have found Your grace, God
I will trust You
All my hope is found
In Your love
I will trust You
My whole life is found
In Your love
When my eyes cannot see every single step And my heart feels unsure again I remember the strength of Your love O God I hold on to the peace You bring
Your Goodness, Kindness, and Faithfulness, Persists through the night Your Goodness, Kindness, and Faithfulness, Persists through the night Your Goodness, Kindness, and Faithfulness, Persists through the night Your Goodness, Kindness, and Faithfulness, Persists through the night
I will trust You
All my hope is found
In Your love
I will trust You
My whole life is found
In Your love
Can I lean on You?
If I’m struggling to stand
May I rest my head?
Or lay down at Your feet?
When I need a moment
Give me peace to sleep
When I’m feeling broken
Or torn apart inside
If I just want to run
Trying desperately to hide
Can I call on You?
To shelter me from the storm
When the black clouds pass
And the darkness shall fade
And the sun shines once more
Raise me to my feet
Walk with me again
Let me fly with eagles wings
Yesterday morning I received a really nice surprise. Although I was told it would happen some time this month, to be honest I had forgotten as slowly September passed by, so it really did take me by surprise.
Since my Nanna was buried earlier this year, back on the 12th March, I’ve visited her graveside almost daily ever since, I walk that way to work, so I take a small detour and spend a few minutes there.
For months there has been just a patch of earth, slowly as the weeks passed, it gradually became covered by grass and the flowers my family leave each week, but no headstone. A couple of months ago I asked my Mum when the headstone was arriving, she said sometime in September, adding that the ground had to harden first.
So Friday morning it looked just as had over the last few months, but yesterday morning as I approached it all looked very different, all the flowers had moved and when I got closer I saw the new headstone.
She shares a grave with her first husband and my Grandad, who died back in 1957 (when my Mum was just five), I remember so many times going with my Nan to tend his grave, she always kept it neat and tidy, but he never had a headstone, just a small stone vase with an inscription, they were quite poor and I guess she couldn’t afford much at the time. Now they share a new headstone over the grave they share together (with the vase moved to the foot of the grave).
Reunited
As I read the inscription, I have to say it brought a tear to my eye.
My Nanna never stopped, even when she was approaching ninety she would get the bus into town to go shopping, almost daily up until she had a knee replacement a few years back.
Even when she retired and moved into a bungalow, I remember going with her to arrange bingo and other activities for fellow pensioners. She even mowed lawns (generally with a push mower) and shopped for her neighbours well into her late seventies, until my Mum and her sisters made her slow down, but that was only after she suffered a fall.
A month or so ago I noticed that the grass was growing nicely over the grave, except for one area, down at her feet. I thought that was funny, as my Nanna never seemed to stop to rest long enough to let the grass grow under her feet, so I told it was okay now, she was now free to rest, since then it seems the grass has started to grow there.
When I got back home yesterday, I was quite eager to listen to the new Newsboys album, I was actually a little disappointed, until I heared this song and it made me think of Nanna.
THAT HOME by NEWSBOYSThere was a home in town
Where broken kids, the lost & found
Would come from miles around
Just to see, what love was all about
‘Cause Momma had a way of makin’ things okay
She’d cook us our favorite meal Sit and listen to how we feel Oh, how the pain was real How many families what the devil steal? Momma had a way of makin’ things okay
In that home We knew we were safe To be young enough to dream Find the faith to believe And in that home Love, it had no end It’s where we learned to forgive In that home
Momma always had the music on Sometimes loud, sometimes soft When I asked her ’bout her favorite song She opened the bible to the book of Psalms She always found a way to talk about grace
In that home We knew we were safe To be young enough to dream Find the faith to believe And in that home Love, it had no end That’s where we learned to forgive In that home
And on that day I got the news That Momma’s stay here was almost through I stayed all night by her side Held her hand, looked in her eyes And said, Momma
When you’re home I know you’ll be safe Strong enough to see The faith that you believed And in that home Life will have no end I know I’ll see you again
Ok, so yesterday I just ran out of steam, I think my body was telling me to slow down, take a rest, I put in a lot of hours last week, between my job, Church, Karate, architectural work and computer repair work, I put in over 75 hours, not counting travelling to and from, I was definitely ready for the rest.
So this morning I had a lie in, WOW, I don’t lie in anymore, not beyond 6.30am anyway, if you can call that a lie in. This morning although I was awake around 6.30am, I napped a few times until I got up mid morning and to be honest, I enjoyed it!
So no walk this morning, maybe tomorrow, but for now I share a couple of photo’s from yesterdays walk.
Burning The Edge Of Clouds
Light Beyond Spring Growth
I can see Your face I can see Your hands I can see Your finger prints You’re everywhere I am I can hear Your voice What a beautiful sound Oh, Your love, Your love Your love, Your love is loud (Love Is Loud by Luminate)
Sleep creeps along these aching bones My mind wanders along a lonely road No need to count the sheep as they pass They quietly drift by as my tired eyes fight
I carry on pushing through the hours No time for sleep as I’ve still so much to do Still wrestling with the urge to lay my head Now I’m closing on the moment I consent
I hit the pillow so hard I sink right within Now it’s my time to fall so very deep To embrace the peaceful dreams I so crave To rest the bones that carry me through each day
The weekend has once again come back around Thankfully I have made it through this week Upon minimal rest I’ve walked this busy path So now I can relax and take that well earned rest
