Tag Archives: Rise Again

From Vertigo To Strangelove!

Okay, so I found the funny quirks I am currently experiencing whilst walking this morning pretty amusing, but the dizziness did take a new turn this morning during our Church service, Peter Sellers/ Stanley Kubrick aficionado’s will no doubt understand my post title after I explain a little more.

Apart from the quirks that I explained in my post earlier today, I had the odd loss of balance when I got up and down from my camera platform this morning, but it all seemed okay as I got everything set up.

As my main task is to record the message in the service, everything was fine for the first 15 minutes, it was all going okay, I found my concentration to be fine and covering the speaker’s movements just fine, then after the fifteen minute mark I slowly started to lose control of my left arm, which is the one I use to control the camera movements, I was struggling to get it to respond and it seemed to feel rather dead for a while.

So I switched arms, which was a problem also.  My camera is set for me to use my left hand to control the camera and my right to focus and zoom, so the crossing my arm over my body and trying to control the camera with my right hand is something I wasn’t used to and I couldn’t adjust the camera settings whilst filming, so my right hand wasn’t as smooth as my left, even though I am naturally right handed.  I tried to switch back after a few minutes, but my left arm was a waste of time, I just couldn’t get my hand/eye coordination to work with my left hand.  The more I tried to concentrate on the movement of the speaker, the worst it got, my concentration was shot, I was struggling to focus, it was all a little weird.

As soon as the preach was finished, I got gingerly down from the platform, went to the back of the hall and sat down with my head in my hands, trying to get back into my own head.

It takes a fair amount of concentration when filming, I have to follow the speaker’s every movement and try to second guess the body language to keep the footage as smooth as possible.  I guess it was maybe pushing it a little bit too much to keep my concentration for that long, considering my current predicament.

I had a similar situation yesterday when I was doing some architectural drawings, after a few hours the mouse started doing a few funny things, I blamed the mouse, but now I actually know that it was me, just pushing it a little too far and going beyond what these symptoms make me capable of.

This morning I was close to stepping away from the camera and asking for someone to take over, I found myself praying for a sense of composure to get through to the end of the message, when I would then have chance to compose myself.  Thankfully I made it to the end and completed my task, granted I was a little shaken when I was finished and it took more than a few minutes to get a sense of feeling back to normal, which included a friend coming to sit with me and comfort me for a few minutes.

I was a little worried, as I also had a karate class to teach this afternoon, but thankfully the symptoms did not repeat themselves during the class and I managed to keep composed and teach the class, actually I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a class so much since long before I started on these antidepressants.

So okay, it wasn’t the most comfortable of moments this morning, but I can still actually see a funny side to it, even though it was a strange sensation to lose control of one’s arm!  Despite all these little idiosyncrasies I am actually in very good spirits, I’m more than glad I listened to the spirit within that pushed me to move forward and come off the meds, it may be a another week or so with these minor quirks, but I know I’m actually starting to move forward again and get back into some of the routines I put back in place when I started this journey way back in March 2012.

RISE AGAIN by NEEDTOBREATHE
I know how it started the walls that we build to separate us
Make it wider, stronger, til it’s too tall for us to touch
Heaviness is on me I don’t see how we might be whole again
We might be better off in the wake of a bitter end

Oh I know I’m gonna rise again
Set my sights on where I’m going
And my goodbyes to where I’ve been
Oh I know I’m gonna rise again
Singing farewell king of the broken
So long my friend

We could always count on the same things
The ups and the downs like time
We crawl through the abyss then we came through the other side
Heaviness is only temporary the daylight will soon break in
The sunlight can change a heart in the wake of a bitter end.

Oh I know I’m gonna rise again
Set my sights on where I’m going
And my goodbyes to where I’ve been
Oh I know I’m gonna rise again
Singing farewell king of the broken
So long my friend

I could see us moving on I can feel that coming on strong
We’ll never start all over like this and I still can’t believe it

Oh I know I’m gonna rise again
Set my sights on where I’m going
And my goodbyes to where I’ve been
Oh I know I’m gonna rise again
Singing farewell king of the broken
So long my friend 

Sands Of The Past

SANDS OF THE PAST

My feet have wandered
Far from the path
I’ve lost the way
Now I find myself stranded
In desolate plains
In the barren lands
A lifeless desert
Surround by sand and dust
Every grain a fragment of who I was
It surrounds me
The barren
The waste
The lifeless

Now in the dust I find myself
Fallen down on scarred knees
With dirty hands
Grasping for hope
Face bent to the ground
Eyes fixed on where tears fall
Where tear stained crystals shine
In the radiance of the sun

Yet as I hold my hands before me
With my gaze fixed to the ground
The winds begin to rise
A storm begins to swell
Surrounding me as I cry out
I can’t go on
It’s all too much
Help me Lord
I’m trapped here within my past

As the maelstrom whips up
The grains of sand and dust
To a rage within the skies
As it clouds the sun
In the heart of the day
And hides the stars
In the dead of my night

When will I rise?
Will the day come again?
Will there be a time?
A moment?
A spark?
When I will rise?
To take the steps
Along the path
You set before me
Will I rise?

Will there come a day
When reflections within the eyes
For which I care
That I will see the new me
Will this world free me
From the chains of the old
Stop clothing me in the rags of who I was
And see the new creation rise
Will I be rid of these sands
Where my knees now sink
Can I stand and walk
To make it to new horizons

Don’t let these arms
Bear the scars
That say I’m not enough
Formed in the darkness
In a consciousness lost
Help me leave these plains
Still the storm
Clear the way
That I may rise again

I pray for You hear me
I pray for You to calm the storm
I pray for You to stay the winds
I pray for You to breathe into
This soul lost within the dust
Breathe new life Lord
Breathe renewed strength Lord
Let me rise
Let me stand
Let me rise before You Lord

Can I find the joy
Within in the storm
To sing out Your praises
Can I stand the test
And rise again

Bless me with the strength Lord
To stand within the storm
Bless me with the faith Lord
To call out to the winds
Bless me with the power Lord
To command the storm to cease
Bless me Lord to stand again
In the calm beyond the chaos
Bless me Lord to walk again
Upon the path which You have set
Let the world see
That broken souls can rise above it all

NOTE:
This is how I feel at the moment, that I’m still haunted by the past, I can’t get free, as much as I try, I feel others hold me there and it’s hard to see through the dust which they stir up.  I know the sand storms will pass, in the mean time I know I just have to hold on and keep faith in the Lord.