Tag Archives: Seabird

Verse of the Day – Psalm 3:3-5

Psalm 3:3-5

Psalm 3:3-5

He is my shield in times of fear, He answers my prayer in times of need and He gives me rest in times of chaos, but now it’s time to wake once more, to rise and lift my head high.

STAND OUT by SEABIRD
When I’m weary from travelin both hands to the plow
My devils are tryin to turn me around
I aint quittin or givin up I must confess
It’s hard but I’m tryin my best

Lift up your head and raise your hands
Open up your eyes to the needy ones
Wake up O’ sleeper it’s time to do your best
We gotta stand out stand out from the rest

I’ve got foes in Heaven and friends, hell
That’s what my daddy taught me as well
Well I’m just an old blind man when my eyes are on me
Sweet Jesus please help me to see

Lift up your head and raise your hands
Open up your eyes to the needy ones
Wake up O’ sleeper it’s time to do your best
We gotta stand out stand out from the rest

Stand out…oh you know that’s how we gotta live
Stand out from the rest
Stand out…just like ones that came before us did
Stand out from the rest

Lift up your head and raise your hands
Open up your eyes to the needy ones
Wake up O’ sleeper it’s time to do your best
We gotta stand out stand out from the rest

Stand out…oh you know that’s how we gotta live
Stand out from the rest
Stand out…just like ones that came before us did
Stand out from the rest

Baptism – Choice or Calling?

During yesterday’s service at Church the upcoming Baptism Sunday was announced and a short interview was conducted with a couple of our Church members, where they discussed their respective decisions to be Baptised after becoming a Christian.  I always find other people’s stories of their testimony and things from their journey interesting, I found it particularly interesting when they discussed their choice and that they felt it was a natural progression of their faith.

The issue for me is that I can’t relate to their “choice” as such, as my Baptism experience was so different, indeed my choice was that I wasn’t ready, I decided it wasn’t my time, I didn’t know or understand enough of what it meant to be a Christian, I was only three months into my journey, I honestly didn’t really know what it meant and I didn’t make any moves to find out, I chose to sit back and watch and wait.

Even that very morning of my Baptism, I still was happy with my “choice” to wait, I was comfortable with that.  But that morning everything changed, I still didn’t know what was going to happen when I reached Church, it felt different, but I wasn’t ready for what would happen.

When Gareth took to the stage and in a departure from the normal routine at Church, issued the challenge that he felt someone on this day is going to make the decision to by Baptised that morning, I knew who he was speaking to, it was hard to ignore, for a moment my insides froze, it felt like my heart and lungs stopped working just for that moment and in my head, a voice was saying to me “now what are you going to do?”

All I could think of was “he means you”, I was asking myself “are you going to do this?”

I still don’t actually think it was a decision or a choice, it was a simple answer to a question that could hardly be ignored.

“YES, I’M DOING THIS”

I’m not a impulsive kind of guy, I don’t make snap decisions, I stew on things, work them over and let’s face it, I had already done this over the previous weeks and come to the decision that I wasn’t ready.

There really wasn’t time to stew on it, it was a there and then thing, don’t think, just do!

The rest is history really, at my first opportunity I found Gareth and let him know I was ready.  Later I jumped on stage to tell my testimony, I still to this day don’t think I should have been there, but it felt right, there was no nerves because there was no real time to think about it, just get up and do it.

I’m convinced that day wasn’t so much a choice, but a calling, I really and honestly didn’t think I was ready for such a step, but someone else did and that someone wasn’t Gareth!

That day and everything that happened, is one of my best days of my life, a day I wish I could relive everyday, a day I will never forget.

If I had the chance to go back to a few weeks before that day and change my decision, would I do it?  No, I wouldn’t, that day is special, that call is special, I just wouldn’t change a thing!

DON’T CHANGE A THING by SEABIRD
Waking up before the sun came up, was a fight that I would lose.
To fall in love without a heart must be the hardest part for you.

If I could change anything I’d change everything but you.
Please promise me you won’t change a thing.

Lay me down before this flame goes out and darkness fills the room.
Won’t make a sound with little ears a round and love begins to bloom.

If I could change anything I’d change everything but you.
Please promise me you won’t change a thing.

Even if we fail tonight, I know I know I know we did what’s right.
If they want a fight, I say I’d like to see them try,
Yes I’d like to see them try.

If I could change anything I’d change everything but you.
Please promise me you won’t change a thing.
You won’t change a thing. 

Seeing The Sun Rise Once Again

It’s been a week of typical English weather, cold, wet and windy, but in between the cloudy mornings there have been the occasional glimpse of a sunrise and as the days get longer I have managed to witness a few this week.

Morning Flight

Morning Flight

Peach Skies

Peach Skies

Clouds in Blue

Clouds in Blue

From Behind The Trees

From Behind The Trees

Morning Burning

Morning Burning

Burning Clouds

Burning Clouds

Over Calm Waters

Over Calm Waters

Burning Skies

Burning Skies

In Blue Skies

In Blue Skies

In Flight

In Flight

GOLDEN SKIES by SEABIRD
Woke up this morning to find you crying
Loneliness it don’t look good on you
Sing little bird ’til your wings feel like trying
I promise someday soon I’ll see you through

I wanna see you tonight for the morning is coming
See you delight in yourself and in your heart
You gotta know you can fly above the storms
They come without warning
The fire you ride is burning brighter you will find

The weight of the world on your such little shoulders
A weight I should’ve carried from the start
I’m sorry there were times when these arms couldn’t hold you
But my mistakes don’t make you who you are
And don’t let them make you who are you

I wanna see you tonight
Keeping on for the morning is coming
See you delight in yourself and in your heart
You gotta know you can fly above the storms
Oh, they come without warning
The fire you ride is burning brighter you will find

Your golden skies, your golden skies
Love to watch you fly
Love to watch you fly
Love to watch you fly
Love to watch you fly
Love to watch you fly
(Your golden, your golden skies…)

Your golden skies, your golden skies
Love to watch you fly
Love to watch you fly
Your golden skies, your golden skies

Opinions

I have been so lucky since I started this blog, that I have not yet, touch wood (he says tapping his head), received any negative or condemning comments or responses to any of my posts or comments, on either my posts or other bloggers posts.

I say this because this week my two biggest supporters have faced criticism and nasty comments, one has received them from a relative stranger and the other from a so-called friend, my prayers go out to both of my friends in the hope that they rise above this and continue blogging and supporting our fellow bloggers.

I am full believer in freedom of speech, after all our ancestors fought for our freedom and right to an opinion.  We all have a right to our own opinion, we all like different things, we all find interest in different activities, we are all so different, therefore our opinions and interpretations will inevitably differ, that’s what makes the world interesting.

But our opinions are all equally valid, that’s why we have a right to them.  We all have free will, we all have choices, even God doesn’t interfere with our free will, he lets us make our choices and find our own way, but He is always there to forgive and pick up the pieces when we make the wrong ones.

So does anyone have the right to force their opinion on anybody else, well I believe categorically that is a NO!

I wasn’t born into a Christian family, in such that their roots were a Christian background but they were never practising Christians, but I was brought up on certain principles that followed the laws of the land, which ultimately are based on the Bible and good Christian beliefs.

I was brought up to respect others and if I couldn’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything.  That isn’t always the easiest thing to do, we all bite sometimes and say things we don’t mean, we often reflect on what we’ve said and realise the mistake of our words and wish we could take them back.

My opinion at the end of the day is mine, it really is only valid to me, why should I force it upon someone else, what makes my opinion more important than that of my friends or even my enemies?

The answer is nothing, they have I right to theirs and I have a right to mine!

I am more than willing to listen to other people’s opinions, as long as they are voicing them and not forcing them upon me, I will listen to their opinion and analyse it against my own, if I find that I agree, then so be it that is my choice.  If I don’t agree then I simply choose to accept that is their opinion and I have mine, that’s it, simple, we move on in life, we carry on as normal, no harm done.

When someone tries to force their opinion on me again, I have the choice whether to listen or not, sometimes I just don’t listen I let them talk over me, generally I listen and simply dismiss it, at others times I have cut people off or I just change the conversation.  Again if I choose to listen I will analyse it and compare it against my own.

There are occasions when I feel that the opinions of others are greatly floored and really they are being led wrongly, I try to state my opinion to them and leave them with the choice, but I won’t force my opinion, I don’t generally argue unless I really feel I am wronged, if it is simply a question of opinion, rather than action, I will leave it at that, leave it at a differing of opinion and move on.

The bible tells us about the planting of seeds, it is stated in Luke 8 that Jesus tells the parable of the sower, to be careful where you sow the seed of God’s word, to ensure that the roots take firmly in good soil for them to grow in God’s word and “hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience”, but I also think there is something else here as well, something that I think is key to sowing correctly to your fellow humans.

If you talk to me about your beliefs and leave it at that, it allows me to take it in and think about, then later down the path we may talk about it again, I can take in a little more and consider that too, eventually I may take it in and come to agree with you, but I will not if you just throw everything you have at me all in one go.

As stated when an opinion is forced upon me, I honestly tend not listen, some of their opinion goes in, but I just carry on with my life and carrying my own opinion.  If they continue, then  their opinion or seed falls all in one place, their seed just drops in one big pile, I may be good soil, but if you just pile your seeds in one large pile, they simply won’t grow, no matter how good the earth is.

So this goes back to the parable in a way, sow your seeds on good earth, but all good farmers spread their seeds out along the field of good soil, not just in one pile, they sow plentiful, but spread them out so each seed has a full chance to take root and grow, in that way when you look back upon that field there will be a large healthy crop, otherwise a pile of seeds will remain, just a pile of seeds.

When my life fell apart and Gareth my Pastor came to see me, when we sat down the first thing he was at pains to say was that, this meeting was not about God or religion, it was about me getting the help I needed to sort out my problems.  During the evening he mentioned one passage from the Bible, we talked briefly about God and he asked if he could pray for me, which I agreed to, I had a choice, it wasn’t forced upon me.  Because he took this slowly, slowly approach throughout the evening I became intrigued and eventually asked questions, to which I was given honest answers and left to think about them.  Nothing that evening was forced upon me, but because of Gareth’s manor and approach, I found myself questioning my own beliefs and opinions, I was given time and space to consider and let the seed grow, then as you know a few days later I started praying, then I quit drinking a week later, then started attending Gareth’s Church, life from that day has been so different, I am completely changed by the one night.

But it could have been so different, if he had tried to force God and religion on me, labelled me a sinner and demanded I do such and such to in order to redeem myself, I am sure I would have turned the other cheek once again and continued with my life of self-destruction.

Faith is of course everybody’s choice, we all have a choice whether to choose faith or not, I won’t force my faith onto anybody else, just like I won’t force my opinion, I will talk about my faith and my journey with God and what he has done for my life, that is then their choice whether to accept my opinion on faith and question it further or dismiss it and carry on with their life, if I keep talking about it over time, they may eventually accept it for their own, but that is their choice, it’s their free will, but my seeds will have a better chance if they are sowed evenly spread, not just thrown in there in one big pile.

So all I ask is that people who read my posts and comments, consider my writings and my opinions, if they choose to disagree, then I don’t mind people stating their opinion for me to consider, but please do not force it on me, don’t try to force an argument, by all means state your believes and leave it at that, don’t get derogatory or abusive, there is honestly no need for it, we are both entitled to state our opinions, it’s our own free will and our right.

I know this is a bit of a ramble and really it is not my argument to fight, but as much as I dislike opinions forced upon me, I don’t like them forced upon my friends either, it is disrespectful and rude, please if you feel the need to state your opinion to someone else, do it with dignity and out of concern for your friend, not out of the need to empower yourself.

The days you said you were smarter
We knew you were harder
They’re over
And the days, you told us to grow up,
Told us to shut up, they’re over
But I promise the words that you said,
Stuck in our heads
They’ll come back to haunt you,
To taunt you
Keep you from sleeping, keep you from eating
I promise
(Cottenmouth (jargon) by Seabird)

Living With Depression

I understand depression is not a subject easily discussed, to be honest if you haven’t really lived with or suffered from depression it’s hard for anyone to comprehend what it feels like, hence many dismiss the idea of depression as an illness.

My depression over the last few years was due to feeling of no purpose and the mounting debt that was destroying my life, I coped with my depression by drinking to remove me from it, I used alcohol to try to feel better, to take away all the bad dreams and stress, it didn’t work all the time and I was a complete bastard to live with at the best of times, especially during times when I had no work or karate to get up and out for, I was a real mess who lost all sense of self worth and purpose.

These moments I have discussed in many of my previous posts, but I understand that not all depression presents itself in the same way and I’m sure mine was not as bad as many others suffering, it’s hard to comprehend anyone else’s depression, but I can sympathise.

I have lived with depression and previous to the point when my life started to fall apart I had brushed with depression myself once before.

My first experience with depression was early in my relationship with Victoria, she suffered from depression for a number of years, stemming from many things, including a miscarriage, bullying from her school days and her parents marriage break up.  The miscarriage we suffered together, it wasn’t easy to take, although the pregnancy wasn’t planned we were happy to go along with it, but it seemed no sooner did we find out she was pregnant, it was all gone.  It hit Victoria harder than me, she was devastated as any young woman would be, she was soon on Prozac to deal with it all.

They weren’t easy times, I felt many a time I was treading on eggshells, not knowing what to say or how to react to things, having to bite my tongue on many an occasion, knowing it wouldn’t help to argue or stand my ground, I just had to swallow my words and try to offer some comfort or sympathy, they certainly weren’t the easiest times, but with Counselling she got through and out relationship stood the test.

My first personal experience with depression happened back in 2007, it started with just one of my karate student who pushed the boundaries, in the strangest of circumstances.

A few years before one of my female students asked if a friend of hers could join the class, the only problem was that she was partially blind, I though it would be a challenge and agreed that we would give it a trial and see how it went, I hadn’t taught anyone who was partially sighted and she had never done karate, so it would be a learning experience for both of us, so she tried a few classes, we worked out a way to deal with it and she joined my club.  I won’t use her real name here so we’ll call her Linda, I don’t think I’ve ever taught a Linda before.

She trained with us for a number of years, she became very friendly with the other members, she and her husband would join us for social events and a drink a the pub after training on occasion, she passed her gradings and even took a bronze medal at a national competition against other fully sighted females of her own grade, she was doing well.

But it all changed in mid 2007, earlier that year she passed her black belt, then things got strange, very strange.  There were a number of things that were happening that didn’t seem right, there were the odd clashes with other students and odd tales about her personal life, in particular how husband had slept with her sister at a family do, but she had took him back anyway, but the relationship wasn’t right, it seemed he was the jealous one who was causing problems for her.

Then I started to receive odd text messages from her, text messages not actually meant for me, apparently sent to her son, but I was getting them, these messages always started with an hello to her son and his name at the start of the message, it didn’t occur to me at the time, but as it was pointed out later, would you put your sons name at the top of every text, when you have his name stored in your phone?  These were odd messages about things that were going on between her and her husband, things bordering on abuse, but if I rang her back she denied it, it was a mistake and the text wasn’t for me, she didn’t know how I got it, but everything was alright.  These texts became more frequent and even worse I started to get them in the middle of the night, I would get woken by the phone in the early hours of the morning, they were all very strange.  She came to karate with the odd bruise, but blamed it on bumping into things, after all she was partially sighted.

One day in front of a group of the club seniors she showed Carol, her closest friend at the club and one of my assistance instructors, her phone, it showed her sons phone number under my name and vice versa.  I had often phoned Carol after receiving these texts and she would call Linda to see if she was okay, because it was all getting a bit odd.  She made a very public display of showing everyone her phone and the mixed up numbers, stating she didn’t know how it had happened, claiming it must have been her husband, but Carol put it right for her, but it continued to happen even after that.

Then one night I got a text message about one in the morning, this one pushed me over the edge, the message said her husband had locked her in the garden shed, but she had her phone, again the message was meant for her son, but it came to me instead, I just didn’t know what to do, by this time I wasn’t sure if this was a game or real, I didn’t sleep that night due to the indecision, so the first thing the next morning I called Carol and told her what had transpired, she said she would ring her and find out what was going on.

Carol rang me back later, she had spoke to Linda, she was at home with her son and husband, everything was fine and there was nothing to worry about, she laughed it off basically.  I told Carol everything that had been happening and she agreed it was all a bit strange, as she was her closest friend and spent more time with her than anyone else, but had not seen or heard anything that backed any of this up.  Carol agreed to speak with her privately about it all, as I was beginning to get to the end of my tether.

Eventually I couldn’t take anymore, I was mentally exhausted by it all, it was affecting my karate, my teaching, my work and my home life.  If I got one of these odd messages at work, it would just play on my mind, I couldn’t think or concentrate because I just didn’t know whether to get involved, phone the Police or just leave it.  I would get home and wouldn’t be able to just sit with Victoria or the kids, I would actually go a play with the dog before really speaking to anyone.  Wylie didn’t care what mood I was in, I would get down on all fours with him, wrestle, play tug, whatever it was he cheered me up every time, then I would be able to handle being with the family without blowing up and losing it with them.

But I got to the point where I was empty, I decided to take time off karate, I asked Steve, my assistant, to cover for me, which he did for nearly six weeks, I had never had so much time off karate, but I needed it.  I broke down in tears at work one day, I just couldn’t cope, I remember crying and telling my boss, saying “I didn’t feel normal”.  She let me use her holiday cottage in Whitby for the August bank holiday, so I took the family and went away from it all for a few days, it seemed to do the trick.

I return to the club in early September and things seemed okay, I hadn’t had any texts whilst I was away, Carol had warned Linda that it was affecting me and they had to stop and they did or a while, but within a week or so of being back it all started again, the dreaded texts were back.

This time I was absolutely livid, I had been at an all time low for the previous few months, I really came to realise what it must be like to feel depressed, to not be able to cope with anything around you, to feel simply empty with nothing left to give, I was beginning to get passed that, now it was all starting again.

So one Tuesday night I got to karate after another text the night before, I took her aside and laid down the law, these texts had to stop, she claimed she had lost her phone the previous weekend, then that her husband must have it and sent the text, anyway I told her it would stop now, she had to sort it or I would go to the police, as I felt it was now at the point of harassment, the message seemed to hit, as I wasn’t polite, I had gone far beyond that point, I was down right angry and let her know it.

She trained over the next few weeks, but things weren’t right, she was causing problems with other students, disrespecting me and generally causing problems, so eventually after I discussed it again with Carol, it was suggested she took some time off herself, to let the dust settle, which she did thankfully and the texts stopped.

I had never thrown anyone out the club before and I never wanted too, but I called a meeting of the senior members of the club and told them everything, I showed them all the texts, which were still stored on my phone, they couldn’t believe it, they knew I was struggling with something but didn’t know what, they were all in disbelief.  I put it to them to make a decision what to do, whether to let her back in after she served a number of weeks away from the club or to expel her from the club immediately.

The stumbling block here though, was that her husband managed the website at the time for the club, he held the domain, the webspace and the content.

But they decided to expel her, they had lost respect for her and even discussed that she may have been playing us for sometime, as they were sure she wasn’t as badly sighted as she suggested, she always said she could only see rough shapes and shadows, but not colours or definition, it was odd that stories of how she commented on the colour of people’s clothes now began to emerge.  But the long and the short of it Carol agreed to tell her the decision, which she did, Linda left the club and texts stopped altogether.

It wasn’t the end though, her husband removed the web content and put up a picture of someone being stabbed in the back, so Carol called a senior member our association who was also I high ranked police officer in London, who called him and asked him to remove it immediately, which thankfully he did.

It was at that point in my life the lowest I have ever felt and at that time I started to drink wine heavily, before I would just have cans of cider or lager, but I started on the wine at that point, this was the start of a steady decline, which would gather pace just a few year later.

I saw Linda in town a few months after this, she was across the street, whether she saw me or not I don’t know, I took a detour and stayed well away from her, I didn’t know what I would say to her.  I have never cut anyone out of my life, I am someone who would be polite with anyone, even if they have done me wrong or I don’t like them, but she was the one and only person I never wanted anything else to do with, I would never give her time of day again, she played a very strange game with me, she played with my emotions and pushed the boundaries of friendship, with strange tales that seemed to have no substance, just elaborate little charades.

So how would I handle seeing her now, well I think I would at least say hello, hope I would anyway, I can forgive her now, I have to, I have been forgiven through Christ’s sacrifice for my sins and my errors, so I can’t withhold my forgiveness from her, but I wouldn’t go as far as letting her back in the club.

I only brushed with depression, prior to becoming hooked by the dependency on alcohol, to hide my depression resulting from the mess my life had become, I know that many have suffered more.

Indeed there are many that probably have had greater problems with alcohol than I have, suffered deeper depressions than I could ever dream of and even attempted suicide on one or more occasion, not just contemplated it, but actually tried to end there own life.

I know I am not the worst case scenario, many have been in a far worse state and have been saved, they have made it through, but the key here is my story, my testimony of being saved and redeemed through Christ, it would all be a waste if I just hid it and carried on with my life quietly, I was challenged by the Lord to start this blog and not to be afraid to speak out, “whatever the cost, whether it works out or not”, to be honest about my trail and my problems, not to hide them or the way I was saved and he subsequent stories of my journey with Christ in my life.

I may not be proud of a lot the things I have done in my past, but I am proud of where I am now, my story stands as a testament as to what can be achieved if you put your trust in God and chose to live a life with Christ, in the hope that others may find inspiration to deal with their own struggles.

Waking up before the sun came up, was a fight that I would lose
To fall in love without a heart must be the hardest part for you
If I could change anything I’d change everything but you
Please promise me you won’t change a thing
(Don’t Change A Thing by Seabird)

My Year So Far In Music

Back in June I started thinking about songs that map out my journey, I was listening to a lot of music, Christian artists mainly or just music that was inspiring, on my Baptism day I posted six songs on my Facebook page, six songs mapping my life from February to July, one to describe each month and a quick reason for each, now I have expanded the list for the whole year and I will describe the reasons in more detail:

January : Dead Man (Carry Me) by Jars of Clay

So carry me
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
(Dead Man (Carry Me) by Jars of Clay)

Back in January I was oblivious to what was happening in my life, I was working now for a couple of months, Christmas wasn’t that bad (the year before I was ill over Christmas up to New Year), so the drink had been flowing well, work equalled money, money equalled beer, so I was slowly becoming a Dead Man, people were carrying me, I just couldn’t see it, my friends, family and workmates didn’t know it, it wouldn’t be long before I was dead on the floor.  When I first heard this song following the breakdown of my life, the lyrics hit me right between the eyes, I was that dead man, I was carried longer than I ever realised, I had been dead on the floor for years.

——————————

February: Monster by Skillet

My secret side I keep
Hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
(Monster by Skillet)

This is a song I had played many times, infact it was one of the most played songs on my Ipod over the previous three years, but I was again completely oblivious to it’s relevance to my life.  The truth is there was a monster in me, I did keep it caged, but I couldn’t control it, I never let anyone see it, but it was there, I tried to fight it but lost everytime, it had control, I was it’s slave, a body and a soul consumed in torment.

——————————

March: Daylight by Brave Saint Saturn

Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness, You held me
Still held me
(Daylight by Brave Saint Saturn)

To understand the song you have to know the concept of Brave Saint Saturn, the band have released three albums that tell the story of a space mission to Saturn, the first album deals with the departure, the second the mission and it’s failure, the third the rescue and return.

Daylight is from the second album, the mission has gone wrong and the crew are stranded in darkness with no contact with mission control.  The song is meant as a metaphor for that feeling of isolation, that feeling I was going through, feeling lost and alone in darkness, unable to reach out for help.  The crew members try desperately to reach mission control, but fail, then they hear a voice, as their ship comes out of the darkness.  I felt the same way, I was lost, until a voice came through from mission control to bring Daylight to replace my darkness, Gareth Morgan came through bringing the light of Jesus with him, I truly made contact with mission control when I prayed for the first time on 21st March 2012.

——————————

April: Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear
(Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North)

I’ve posted before about the song Healing Begins and the message I received to listen to this song, all through April this song was my guide, it stood by me through the pain and my struggles, it kept me on my path, even when I felt like falling back into the darkness, it kept my striving for the light.

——————————

May: Right Beside You by Building 429

When the walls are closing in
And you think you’d rather sink than swim
When you think there’s nothing left for you to lose
I’ll be right beside you
(Right Beside You by Building 429)

Another song that I had listen to many times, but this song became more important to me as my journey with God took more significance and relevance in my life, I was still coming to terms with the pain and withdrawals, I realised when I was at my lowest, so close to succumbing to temptation, if I asked for help from God it was there, he was right beside me, it just hit a chord with me, it didn’t matter how low I was he was right beside me.

——————————

June: Dear X, You Don’t Own Me by Disciple

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful lies
(Dear X, You Don’t Own Me by Disciple)

This song was another I had listened to over the last few years, I really liked the song, but again never looked at it’s relevance to me, but as I became stronger and moved further away from the drink, I felt like I was gaining some element of control over it, I knew how to handle most of the feelings of temptation.  So X, which in my case stood for alcohol really didn’t own me anymore, it was still there trying, but I was fighting it, I had an element of control now, DEAR X (ALCOHOL), YOU DON’T OWN ME!!!!!!

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July: Unbreakable by Fireflight

Now I am unbreakable, It’s unmistakable
No one can touch me, Nothing can stop me
(Unbreakable by Fireflight)

On the day I was baptised I posted this list of songs on Facebook, without any real explanations, I was looking for a song for July that described how I felt that day, having been baptised in the amazing circumstances that happened that day, well I was so high on the whole experience that I felt Unbreakable, nobody could break how I felt that day, that feeling would last for sometime.

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August: Rise Above by Fireflight

Counting scars and losing track
Afraid to crash we never spread our wings
And with every chance we take we find a reason
To give up on the hope that we all need
(Rise Above by Fireflight)

With my control over my problems gradually improving, out of the blue I found this song, it said everything I was feeling at the time, whatever came my way, I had to rise above it, keep going on my path, whatever was throw at me, I could not afford to let it bring me down, I simply chose to rise above it, so this song just said everything.

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September: Run to You (+ Meet You) by Parachute Band

You are calling you are calling me to you
And i run     and i run to you
I need you i cant get enough of you
I come alive when im in your presence oh God of my salvation
(Run to You (+ Meet You) by Parachute Band)

This was again another song I had added to my Ipod well before my world changed forever, but one morning on way to Church it randomly played, I was blown away by it’s beauty and the simple message, the song just hit me.  Walking home from Church I listened to it over and over again, I just felt the song, it says everything to me really, it didn’t matter what I did or where I tried to hide, he would meet me, Christ would find me and I am so grateful that he did.

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October: Times by Tenth Avenue North

My love is over. It’s underneath
It’s inside. It’s in between
The times you doubt Me, when you can’t feel
The times that you question, ‘Is this for real?’
(Time by Tenth Avenue North)

Of all the songs on the album Over and Underneath, this song originally I didn’t really like, I still wasn’t a big fan when my world changed, then after listening to their new album The Struggle, I revisited this song and I finally understood it.  The song basically has two parts to it, in the first part the singer questions his relationship with God, the second part God replies that no matter what you do his love will always be there.  At a time when things in my journey became real and I questioned if I was ready for it, I got my answers, this song played out in my life, I questioned, he answered.

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November: Don’t Change a Thing by Seabird

Waking up before the sun came up, was a fight that I would lose
To fall in love without a heart must be the hardest part for you
If I could change anything I’d change everything but you
Please promise me you won’t change a thing
(Don’t Change a Thing by Seabird)

The reoccurring theme here is that all these songs were on my Ipod well before my fall, they were there, I had listened to them many times, they were on my regular play list, but I hadn’t heard them, I hadn’t taken their lyrics and questioned them or their relevance to my life, now I feel them, I see the words, I hear them, at times many of these songs still reduce me to tears, I just can’t believe I never really heard them before.  If I could go back to that darkness I was in, with what I know now, I would change everything but Christ, in fact I have, the only constant is Christ, I have with his help changed everything.

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December (hopefully): Merry Christmas, Here’s To Many More by Relient K

I made it through the year and I did not even collapse
Gotta thank God for that
I’m torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half
I’ll fall apart or stay intact
(Merry Christmas, Here’s To Many More by Relient K)

I know we are only in November, but I love this song, it is my all time favourite Christmas song, narrowly beating “Fairytale of New York”.  I just hope that I make to through the year with out collapsing (again anyway), I will certainly thank God for that, though not everyone I love will be there to greet me, I will be thankful to have at least reached Christmas, things could have gone horribly wrong this year, between contemplation of suicide and being a heart attack waiting to happen, whatever happens for me this Christmas, I will be glad just to have made it.