Tag Archives: Self Loathing

Guilt & Self Loathing, Is This Really Just A Dream?

I woke last night in a state of panic, in a state of self loathing, hatred and guilt, not knowing if what  I had just witness was a guilt ridden truth or just a trick of my imagination as I slept, it’s not the first time I’ve woken this way and sadly I guess it won’t be the last.

I woke staring at the floor, right next to where I lay, was an empty bottle of 20Cl Captain Morgans Dark Rum, the same bottle I had just drank right down and tossed to the floor.

I don’t remember any other detail from the dream, I don’t remember why I was drinking the Rum, all I remember is those few seconds where I emptied the bottle of rum in one go and threw it to the ground.

At that moment in the dream there was this immense feeling of guilt and self loathing when I realised that I had drunk the rum, then at point that I woke, for a moment it was hard to fathom out if I was still in the dream or I had actually woken from it.  For those few moments upon waking the guilt remained, along with the self loathing until having looked at the floor and realising there was no bottle, it dawned on me that it was only a dream.

I’ haven’t had one of these dreams for a number of months and to be fair they only come along once in a while.  Usually there is no trigger, they just come along rather randomly and have the same effect each time, that over whelming feeling of guilt.

The guilt comes with the realisation that I have drank again, which makes me feel like I have totally let everyone down, which leads to the self loathing and hatred.

One thing is, that if these are the feelings that come from a dream, how much more intense will the feelings be if this was for real.  In a way this drives me on, it serves as a kind of constant reminder that I am never going back, I can’t go back to who I was.

But I also hate these dreams, I really do, it’s just that moment of confusion, that fleeting moment of deep guilt really does hurt, it takes a while to come around to the realisation it is all a dream and get myself to the point of comfort that I can get back to sleep.

I thank God so much that His grace allowed me this freedom from the addiction that controlled me, but these dreams evoke that the guilt of feeling that I have betrayed His love and mercy for me, that is the part hard to take.

GRACE AND LOVE (ACOUSTIC) by KUTLESS
Many things in life are hard for me
Many things can pull us down
I don’t understand why I do what I do
How could I take my eyes off you
After all You’ve done for me
And after all You’ve done for me

It’s by Your grace and love I am saved
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I’m amazed
It’s by Your grace and love I am free
I am free

And it’s by grace and love that I am free
I’ll live with you eternally
I thank you Lord that I am free
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying upon the tree of Calvary
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying for me

Because it’s by grace and love I am saved
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I’m amazed
It’s by Your grace and love I am free
I am free

Many things in life are hard for me
Byt my grace and love You’ve forgiven me
And by grace and love we are free