Tag Archives: Sixx A.M.

Change Is Coming

As the darkness of Sunday 18th March 2012 passed by, Monday morning came with a sense of hope, I knew I had something important to do, something that would change my life, the barrier now was fear and courage.

I had the day off work, there were a few things I had to do later in the day, but the most important thing, the most immediate thing, before anything else was to make a phone call to Gareth.

Everyone had left the house, Victoria had taken the kids to school and then gone straight to work, I was alone and I was shaking with fear.

I sat at the top of the stairs with my phone in my hand, the number ready to dial, now I had to fight the fear and find the courage within to call it.

I had decided the time to call would be around 9.10, time to get in the office, but not enough time to get busy with anything, that’s what I hoped anyway, now I just had to fight my shaking hands and press call.

An inner battle was raging, my soul knew it needed this phone call, if I was going to climb out of this pit I had created for myself, then this phone call was the beginning. Yet the monster of addiction that dwelt within wasn’t letting go that easily, it knew this call would change everything.

For a moment the monster was winning, I just wanted to put the phone down, turn away and carry on down this spiral.

But from somewhere I found the strength to call, I was shaking all over by now, I was so afraid of what was to come.

Gareth answered and I tried to explain who I was. I had met Gareth a number of times, only a year before we watched football together with other members of his church in my front room, but essentially he knew me as Victoria’s partner.

I tried to say hi, it’s Wayne, Victoria’s partner, I got half way through it and broke down into tears. I wasn’t that person anymore, that was over, even I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Thankfully, Gareth seemed to understand and knew who I was, he asked how I was doing, I managed to say not very well and broke down into tears again, I was really a mess and he seemed to appreciate that.

Somehow I managed to be coherent enough to arrange to meet with him later that evening, he was going to come over to see me and chat, from that moment things changed.

From there I jumped in the shower, then went into town, I hadn’t really looked after myself in a long time, I didn’t shave anymore, I didn’t do anything with my hair, my clothes were becoming rags, drenched with the smell of stale sweat and alcohol.

Now was the time to start looking after myself.

I can’t be anything to anyone, if I’m not something to myself.

That night I was so nervous, so afraid, I was still shaking. Victoria was going out, she knew about the meeting, she had checked with Gareth that I had called, she knew it was important too.

She came to me before she went out and asked a question that shocked me, it shouldn’t have done, she asked this every time she went out at night, she only asked if I needed to go to the shop before she went out, which in essence was asking if I needed to go buy alcohol, this surprised me more than anything. How could I think of drinking this night, there was no way, once more though this is how far I had fallen, this had become then norm, she knew it and had seen many times, but I hadn’t seen it.

Gareth was also bringing with him Alex, who I knew, I knew his family had suffered through alcoholism in the past, so I watched anxiously at the window for them to arrive, shaking.

Victoria asked how I was, I said I was scared, to which she asked why, I knew them both, there was no need to fear them.

But it wasn’t them, I was afraid of myself, afraid of truth of who I was would be coming out tonight, that’s what I feared, myself above all.

They arrived and at first I felt okay, Gareth stated that he hadn’t come to preach, but to talk to me to find out what I needed to turn things around, this made me feel a little more comfortable, for a while anyway.

He than asked what had been happening, that’s when it got hard. I tried to explain how things had gone over the previous two and half years, but it’s hard to speak between all the tears that were falling.

I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I did that night, I was a real mess. I could hardly get a statement out with crying at some point.

Each time I broken down I could seen the pain reflected in Gareth’s face, it was hard going for us all, but I was trying to tell the full truth, but in all honesty I didn’t know the truth myself. I tried to say how much I had been drinking, I told him what I believed was the truth, only over the coming weeks I realised it far worse than I knew.

They were with me for over an hour and half, I spent at least half of that time tears. But after that I felt a sense of peace had come over myself. I knew the start of the healing process had begun, I could feel that.

From that night I never drank in the house again, I didn’t stop drinking over night, but I started to gain control over it.

I didn’t know at the time where that strength had come from, but it started that night, it started really after I pressed the button to make that call.

TOMORROW by SIXX A.M.
Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
‘Cause nothing’s gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They’re gone in the blink of an eye

Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can’t hide the scars
Just look at yourself ’cause there’s nowhere to go
And you know

Tomorrow
You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow…
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You’re running out of places to hide
‘Cause everybody’s got a reason
To justify how they’re feelin’
Maybe you should open your eyes

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, ’cause there’s nowhere to go
And you’ll know

Tomorrow
You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow…
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing’s gonna stand in your way…

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?

Tomorrow
You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow…
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Verse of the Day – Matthew 6:34

Matthew 6:34

Matthew 6:34

For some today is just too much, so much so they don’t want to see tomorrow, I remember those times so much, for those that feel that way, I say don’t give up, pray and hold on to Christ.

ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN by SIXX A.M.
Don’t give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it’s alright
You’re not alone
If you don’t love this anymore
I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there’s a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

So don’t give up
It takes a while.

 

Drinking Dreams

I had another dream about drinking last night, it seems so long since I had one, yet this was different, not like the others.

Usually they take the form of me drinking something and the realising what I have done, usually at that point I wake from the dream in a deep sense of panic and guilt, not knowing if it was real or indeed just a dream.  There I scan the room for any evidence, a bottle or a can, when I find nothing and eventually convince myself it was just another dream, I attempt to get back to sleep, hoping the dream or should I say nightmare doesn’t return.

Last night was different, I didn’t see myself drink, there actually was no evidence of any drink in the dream at all. I seemed to believe that at some point I had drank something by mistake, I don’t know how, that wasn’t revealed, but in the dream I was convinced I had and I was trying to reason with myself if I was okay with that or not.

In the dream there wasn’t a sense of panic or guilt, I hadn’t drank purposely, it had happened by accident or at least that’s what I understood had happened. But I seemed to reach no conclusion as to whether I was okay with it. The dilemma seemed to hinge on whether I could keep counting my SoberDays or if I should start again, counting once more from day one!

Obviously in the dream I woke before I reached a conclusion. I woke with no sense of guilt or panic like before. Just intrigue as to how I would feel if that actually happened, if I innocently drank alcohol by mistake, how would I feel?

I’m pretty sure I would be angry, especially if it was avoidable and a mistake on someone else’s part. If someone had done it as a deliberate trick, I’m sure I would be livid, I don’t think I would be in any mind to forgive them, even though I know I should, that’s one of the reasons I avoid nights out with work colleagues and people I don’t know so well, not that I don’t trust them, but I just don’t want to take the chance of it happening.

I guess the real question is would I see this as falling off the wagon, in the dream it appeared to be just a sip or a glass of something, not a continuation of drinking until I was drunk, just that one drink. Would I see this as a reason to stop counting, if I kept counting would I feel I was cheating?

I honestly don’t know how I would take it, should the scenario arise.  I guess if it does, then I’ll find out then for sure.

But for now I keep counting, currently SoberDay 1208.

I love this song, I was a fan of it years before I realised I had a problem, I listened to it earlier today, maybe the answer to my question is in the lyrics.

ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN by SIXX A.M.
Don’t give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it’s alright
You’re not alone
If you don’t love this anymore
I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there’s a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

So don’t give up
It takes a while.

Verse of the Day – 1 John 4:4

1 John 4:4

1 John 4:4

Both this verse and this goes out to anyone who is struggling.

ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN by SIXX A.M.
Don’t give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it’s alright
You’re not alone
If you don’t love this anymore
I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there’s a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

So don’t give up
It takes a while.

Half Empty or Half Full?

Half Empty or Half Full?

It’s the age old question isn’t it?

Is the glass half empty or half full?

Pessimist or optimist?

Daily Prompt: The Glass

What really does that glass represent, ultimately I believe we are looking at our own lives.  When we view that glass, if we see it as half empty, it because we are more than half empty with have no optimistic outlook we only see all that is wrong with everything around us and new come to realise that we are what wrong with out lives, not what surrounds us.  But if we see it as half full, then okay we maybe are only half full, but we are at least are optimistic that we can be fulfilled.

Well, what’s interesting in many ways is my change of perspective, the last fifteen months have changed me in many ways and I can’t actually put my finger on one thing that had made me any worse than I was.

But when I actually had a glass that was full, you know, all those bottles of wine which I would fetch in twos, four or five times a week, on to top the pint glass I would transport from bar to table, empty and return to the bar for a refill several times over four nights a week, my life was definitely one half empty in many ways and getting drastically emptier with each drink.

I was drinking mainly to escape my problems, to numb the pain, don’t get me wrong I drank and drank a lot before the world began to collapse, before the work dried up, before money became scarce and my world became dark, but eventually I couldn’t get by without drinking, I couldn’t relate to those around when I was sober, in those times stress was dominant and my life got to the point where stress was dominant almost all the time, unless I had a drink in my hand.

My life was in such a hole and I couldn’t see a way out, except for the moments when suicide seemed the only viable option.  I was definitely looking at my life as being half empty, strange but when my glass was full, I was more than half empty.

But then things changed, when I couldn’t get any lower, when I couldn’t commit suicide or should I rephrase that, God wouldn’t let me commit suicide, I found a way out, I turned to God and started the most amazing journey a human being could ever take, a life with Jesus, what could be better.

So, I stopped drinking, I emptied the Glass, never to be refilled,
I made that decision and I’m sticking with that and this new life.

But now I don’t look at the glass half full/half empty question quite the same way, it’s no longer half empty, as my life isn’t half empty, it’s full and overflowing with God, so for me now it’s far more than half full, I’m an optimist now, I have hope and belief in God, not despair and darkness, no longer the pessimist.

Gone are the days of a full glass and a life more than half empty. 

Now my glass is empty, my life is overflowing.

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful
(Life Is Beautiful by Sixx A.M.)