Tag Archives: Suicide

Made To Be

Made To Be

Who are we?
Who is we are destined to be?
How do we become so lost?
So far from who we are
Empty on the inside
Searching for a meaning
Grasping to the superficial
Never knowing who we are
Or the hand that made our soul
Forgetting how to live
Departed from the world
No one could ever need us
No purpose in this world
All we want is to turn out the light
To slip away from it all
After all who could love this heart

But we can never be anything to anyone
If we’re not something to ourselves

So there’s a time to start living
There’s a time to rise again
To know who we’re born to
To understand the Maker’s call
There a moment to come alive
A moment to feel the love
This moment is now
Hear the Maker’s call
The time is here
To run into His arms
To find His greater love
To become who He made you to be

After all we can never be anything to anyone
If we’re not something to ourselves

Tearing The Veil

It’s still hard to believe that five years ago this very day something happened that changed everything, that changed my life forever, it was the difference between death and life itself, without that moment in time this could all be so different and I really do not believe I would be writing this, I am convinced my life would have ended soon after.

The 19th March 2012 was the turning point of life, where what had gone before was ending and something new sprang forth. The day before I was on the edge of myself, staring into a mirror questioning my own life’s validity, I was convinced it had none,not until a voice silenced the screams and told me my children needed me, now I had resolved to make a change.

I now had the number for Gareth, the Pastor at Victoria’s church, I had met him a number of times, I had just a year before spent the afternoon in my own living room watching football with him and other people from his church, now I knew I had to speak with someone and I knew it had to be him.

Victoria had taken the kids to school and I was alone in the house. I remember sitting there that morning on the top step of my stairs with my phone in my hand, Gareth’s number at the ready, but in a state of turmoil, part of me knew I had to make that call, I needed to start living, but the other part of me, the addicted part, just couldn’t let go of it’s hold and sought to keep hiding.

I sat there for over 20 minutes, I had set a time in my head of 9.10am to call, just enough time to get into the office and at his desk, but not quite enough time to be busy with anything.
It took all I had to press the call button, I had to force myself, I was still in turmoil. I had created this veil for myself, one which I could hide behind, hiding my true self from the world and a veil which stopped me from seeing God, part of me desperately wanted to stay hidden.

Thankfully Gareth answered and I tried to explain who I was, he knew me as Victoria’s partner, I tried to tell him that, but then I realised I didn’t know who I was anymore, I wasn’t her partner anymore, that was over, so who was I? At that point I just broke down into tears, I could say no more than it’s Wayne, Vict…. Thankfully he realised who it was, Victoria had warned him I may call, so he asked how I was and managed to say something like not very good before breaking down once again. Every time he spoke to me I managed a few words before crying once again. But the long and short of it was, he realised I needed help and agreed to come to see me that evening, he said he would confirm it with me later, but we were set for that evening at 7.30pm.

That night Gareth came over with Alex, I had known Alex and his family for some time, so I was okay with that. When he came in he made it clear he wasn’t there to preach to me or to try to convert me there and then, but to speak with me and find out what help it was I needed and how it could be found. He asked questions about my drinking and the situation at home, I tried my best to answer them all honestly, between outbreaks of tears, I cried so much that night. But when they had left I felt so much better, much more at peace. I didn’t drink that night, for the first time in so long I got by without alcohol and I can’t actually remember wanting or needing a drink either.

Although that meeting is a major moment in my life, a real big part of what was a big turning point in my life, but now when I look back at it five years later, I realised the most important moment happened that morning.

Things could have been so different had Gareth had been like me. When my phone rings, if I don’t recognise the number, I do not answer it, I guess you get so many cold calls, you tend to vet them, so my attitude is leave a message and when I get time I will respond to it then. I know many people who do the same thing, I think many of us, unless we use our phones for business, probably do the same thing. But thankfully Gareth didn’t, he sacrificed his time to take the call.

In truth things began to change as soon as I ended that call. I hadn’t really been looking after myself, I was a mess, I hadn’t shaved for weeks, I didn’t really do anything with my hair, I was wearing worn clothes, socks full of holes and torn underwear. So when I put that phone down, I cleaned myself up and headed off into town to replace my worn attire, I began the process of looking after myself.

After all, you can’t be anything to anyone, if you’re not something to yourself.

But from that moment also, the fight against the grip of my alcohol addiction began, from that day onwards I never brought anymore alcohol into the house or consumed any within these walls, note I was still drinking at the pub, but far less and I had an element of control and was even losing the taste for it, until ten days later when I took that last drink.

We know that the ultimate sacrifice was Christ giving His life for us upon the cross,
at that moment the veil was torn so we could all see God.

When Gareth made that small sacrifice by giving up his time to answer my call, my veil was torn too, I let the world in and from that moment I began to see God, only two days later I would  pray for the first time and experience a peace I had never felt before.

Everything changed because of that phone call, had it not been answered, would I have had the courage to leave a message? I don’t think I would have, I think I would have bottled it that day, would Gareth have called back anyway? To be fair he probably would, but the impact and the moment may have been lost and the effect not as great as it was.

I truly believe that I was on a spiral to my own death, maybe the day before I wasn’t able to take my own life, but my health was a mess, my blood pressure was sky high, I have chronic high blood pressure anyway and without medication it rises to dangerous levels, but at that point I was on medication and it was still through the roof, almost as high as when I first went on the tablets, so I’m convinced I would probably have suffered a heart attack by the end of the year, had things not changed. Not only that, but I believe the episode of the day before would have repeated itself until the screams in my head had their way, that day wasn’t the first time I had considered taking my own life, but it was the last. So had I not made that call and had Gareth not answered, the consequences would be so different.

I got to share this in Church this morning, almost precisely five years to the moment that I made the call, I’m so grateful for getting that chance. My point was that so many people have their own personal veils, which stop them from seeing God and getting help, so what small sacrifices can we make that will tear the veil for someone?

BETTER LOVE by GREEN RIVER ORDINANCE
Faith is not an idle grace
Guide my fears and lead my way
Darkest heart that You have saved
I can’t find a better love

When I set out for ruined lands
Shadows heavy where I stand
You took death and called me friend
I can’t find a better love

You take me as I am
Now I understand

The greatest gift to give a man
Is to give him grace to live again

Faith is not an idle grace
Guide my fears and lead my way
The darkest heart that You have saved
I can’t find a better love

You take me as I am
Now I understand

The greatest gift to give a man
Is to give him grace to live…

My wages of captivity and death,
it waited there for me
You took me in and washed me clean
And gave me words and songs to sing

You take me as I am
Now I understand

You take me as I am
Now I understand

The greatest gift to give a man
Is to give him grace to live again

The greatest gift to give a man
Is to give him grace to live again

Verse of the Day – 2 Corinthians 1:8–10

2 Corinthians 1:8–10

2 Corinthians 1:8–10

I am so thankful that God delivered me from myself, five years ago today His voice made me put down the knife and realise I needed to start living.

FIGHT by A ROTTERDAM NOVEMBER
You don’t fool me, whenever you’re around
You put on a show, as if hope is to be found
You don’t fool me, whenever you’re around

The cat’s out of the bag
Loneliness is all you have
When the world tells who you are
Learn to fight back and

Fight, fight, fight like you’re dying and
Breathe, breathe
Won’t you, won’t you breathe
No matter what happens tonight
You’ve gotta wake up in the morning and

If I were drowning, would you see my hand break the surface?
If this were an S.O.S., would you ever get this?
Replace your mirror with, with a window
It’s the only salvation from, from the shallow

The cat’s out of the bag
Loneliness is all you have
When the world tells who you are
Learn to fight back and

Fight, fight, fight like you’re dying and
Breathe, breathe
Won’t you, won’t you breathe
No matter what happens tonight
You’ve gotta wake up in the morning and

Fight, fight, fight like you’re dying and
Breathe, breathe
Won’t you, won’t you breathe
No matter what happens tonight
You’ve gotta wake up in the morning and fight

(Fight, fight, fight like you’re dying
Fight, fight)

Fight, fight, fight like you’re dying and
Breathe, breathe
Won’t you, won’t you breathe
No matter what happens tonight
You’ve gotta wake up in the morning and

Fight, fight, fight like you’re dying and
Breathe, breathe
Won’t you, won’t you breathe
No matter what happens tonight
You’ve gotta wake up in the morning and fight

 

At The Edge Of Life

Sometimes I believe time passes really slowly and at others it seems to pass so quickly, so I’m finding it hard to believe where I was five years ago today to where I am now, 18th March 2012 was the beginning of a two week period which changed my life entirely.

That day I found myself in the depths of despair, just five days before my relationship with Victoria had ended, we had drifted apart over the two years where I was drinking heavily and removing myself from daily life, refusing in a way to deal with my problems, certainly not admitting I had any. But after that night, I realised I had no longer any control over drinking, alcohol had it’s grip and I was helpless.

For the previous five days I had barely eaten, maybe a two or three meals, but I had drank, oh boy had I drank, I drank more in those five days than I had in any week in my life. Each time I left to go to the shop, I cried, I apologised, I couldn’t help myself, I tried not to, but it was just too hard, it was easier to admit defeat and give into the grip of the bottle.

But on that day, I found myself at home, my son was in the house, but Victoria and Eve had gone to Church, it was Mother’s Day and my kids hadn’t got anything for Victoria because I hadn’t got them anything. I went upstairs to have a bath, to clean up before I went out to teach karate, get rid of the smell of the previous evening’s alcohol.

There I found myself staring at myself in the mirror, I had picked up a penknife I had in the bathroom, the blade was out and I held it against my left wrist. In my mind I only had thoughts of how worthless I was, how everyone I knew would be better off without me, Victoria and the kids would be better off, they wouldn’t have to struggle for money or keep dragging me along, they would be free.

I decided I was going to cut my wrists and then get in the bath I had just ran and wait to die.
As thought after thought repeated in my head, each one telling my how I was worthless to everyone, there was one thought that came out of nowhere. I heard a voice say…

“Your children are better off living with you as your are now,
than living with the memory of what they will find.”

I looked down at the bath and I could see the image of myself laying dead in the water and then releasing that it would be one of my kids that would find this, most probably my six year old daughter, after that I put down the knife, I couldn’t go through with it, I just stood there crying.
This voice and this thought was in opposition to everything that I was feeling, I didn’t know from where it came from, but it was enough.

But I felt so angry, anger at myself for being what I perceived as a coward, I remember thinking how I didn’t have the courage to live, but I didn’t have the courage to die either, I was trapped in this state of nothingness, this void, from where it seemed I couldn’t escape.

I had my bath, got my mind ready for karate and set off. I taught as if the world couldn’t see who I really was, after all when I put on my karate suit I escaped from who I really was, it was like an alter ego, nobody knew what was going on in my life, the only thing that seemed normal was karate. After teaching I hit the pub, had at least five pints of strong cider and set off home, on the way back I picked up two bottles of wine and set about drinking them until I drifted off to sleep, that had become my normal routine by now.

But things where changing, I knew by then I had to get help, if I couldn’t die, I had to start living. I had asked Victoria if I could speak with her Pastor, I had met him a few times and really liked him. But my initial intention was to convince him to get Victoria to give me another change, it was purely selfish, I knew Victoria respected him and thought he could broker something between us. Yet after the finding myself on the edge of life, Victoria came home with a lifeline, she gave me Gareth’s number. So that night I decided that come the morning I would call Gareth, but this time to ask for help to put myself right, nothing else mattered other than I needed help, big time.

Things were changing, once I put down that knife I knew I needed help, help to quit drinking and find a new way of coping with my problems, we were heavily in dept, I had made such a mess of things and I needed direction.

But it was that voice, that whisper against all the screams that I was making that made the difference. It wasn’t until much later that I realised that it was the voice of God that spoke to me that day, it was the Lord who told me to hang on, it was His spirit that showed me what my children would find and have to live with. It may have been the most painful moment in my entire life, but it started a chain of events that saw me find help, find God and find sobriety.

I hear many people say that suicide is weak or selfish, but believe me suicide is the point of all hopelessness, it is the point where all hope has gone and you can’t see any other way.

The only one who can fill that void of hopelessness is the Lord, He spoke to me that day and led me to Gareth to find help, all part of path He had set for me many years before, He had put everything in place for me to find a way out, now I just had to find the courage to make that call the next morning.

WAR IS OVER by KALLEY HEILIGENTHAL & BETHEL MUSIC
The war is over, turn around
Lay your weapons on the ground
The smoke is fading before the light
The dead are coming back to life

He has made a way for us
Born for glory, out of dust
Children held within the arms of peace
He has made a way for all
Mercy waits where sinners falls
He is our victory

The war is over
His love has call
To call us daughetrs and sons
No longer orphans
Whithout a home
We have found where we belong

He has made a way for us
Born for glory, out of dust
Children held within the arms of peace
He has made a way for all
Mercy waits where sinners falls
He is our victory

He has made a way for us
Born for glory, out of dust
Children held within the arms of peace
He has made a way for all
Mercy waits where sinners falls
He is our victory

It is finished
It is done
The blood of Jesus overcomes
It is finished
He has won
He has won

My Worth – Matthew 10:31

My Worth – Matthew 10:31

I Have questioned my life
My worth to this world
Seeing only insignificance
I sought to end it all
But His voice I still hear
That day He said hold on
For I am needed right here
My life still has worth
Now He makes me worth more
Than so many sparrows
Who am I to question my life
When the God of all loves me so

Matthew 10:31

Matthew 10:31

A Voice

A Voice

You searched for answers
In the dead of the night
In the confines of the bottle
Only ruin can be found
Truths you thought you held
Left you so empty inside
Only hope for this life
Is to cut deep into the flesh

But the answer you needed
Was found in a voice
One calling over the chaos
Right at that very end
A voice that put down the steel
And lifted you to your feet
A voice that smashed the bottle
A voice that broke the chains

Now you write your words
Of a voice that set you free
Maybe you don’t have all the answers
But the voice is all you need
To light the way ahead
Bringing strength to every day
So maybe others looking for answers
May find all they need within His voice

The Shadow’s Call

The Shadow’s Call

I’ve been through darkness
I’ve listened to the shadows call
It asked for my life
A once timid soul
Prepared it as a gift
To hand over to the wolf
Until the Lord came calling
And shadows fell silent at His feet
The weight in my hands He laid down
He let the sun shine for me once again
I slept in peace beyond my dreams
I slept through a night without shadows drink
Placing trust in the One who saves
Hope in the One who loves all
Who I was stands no more
Slipped into nothingness when He came
Now I stand at my Lord’s side
A child of His forevermore

Tonight

Tonight

Empty world
Least that’s what it feels like
There’s no hope
If you keep standing tonight
Will anyone miss you
You want to cut yourself loose
You should drown
In the sea of red that will flow
The burden
The drain
A waste
That’s what the poison mind says
This world doesn’t need you tonight
Voices scream endless lies
Echoing through the emptiness of your mind
The moment’s close say goodbye
Until a whisper is louder than their words
Voice of hope
Voice of freedom
A sound of love tonight
This is over it’s the start of the fight
His hands hold you
He is with you tonight
Close your eyes
Can you feel Him there
Let go of voices that gripped you tonight
And hold the Father by your side
Tomorrow will come and you will rise
Like a glorious sun invading the sky
Hope is here
You are His
Hold on tonight
This isn’t over
The end is just the beginning

The Wind With A Whisper

The Wind With A Whisper

Every fear I have kept inside
Just cracks within a wounded heart
A heart that broke under the strain
All hope slowly faded within the pain

Tears upon steel in broad daylight
Darkness encompassed at midday
Broken thoughts conquered life surrendered
The moment closer than time tendered

Come the wind with a whisper upon it
Voice of the One louder than my soul
To break the spell and the addicts hold
There is hope tonight beyond the cold

Today I’m here beside you now
Hear my voice echo within your heart
These cracks will be healed by My hand
And I will lead you to the life I have planned

Across The Ocean

Across The Ocean

Are the waters rising?
Higher than your hopes
As you struggle against the tide
Waves of despair growing ever stronger
So tired and empty
Drowning in your own sea of self doubt
Yet there He is at your shore
Waiting
Lift your eyes
Reach out your hands
Because their He stands
Ready, waiting
To rescue you
So let your faith be the first step
Upon the crest of the waves He has stilled
Walk to Him across the waves
Steps of hope and grace
As you walk into His arms
As there He awaits
To wrap you in blankets of worth
To clothe you in His love
He’ll take you far away
From the deep waters you create
To where living waters flow from within
So there He stands
Upon your horizon
So lift you eyes
Fix your hope on Him
And let your journey across your ocean begin