Tag Archives: Sunrise

Directions: East

Directions: East

So many days I’ve walk
Since the addiction fell
So many times to the east I’ve looked
And seen a glorious sun rise
Still days it’s been hidden
The east doesn’t hold it’s glory
Still though I don’t see it
I know it’s still there
And I find comfort in the knowledge
A glorious sun rises
For someone who needs it
Someone, somewhere

Book Ends To A Weekend

Over the last few weeks I have persevered with getting up early and just walking, I try to get out most mornings for an 8 mile walk before work and then take longer walks over the weekend, usually 12 to 15 miles, on a Sunday evening I also try to get an extra walk in too.

This week end I got out early Saturday, catching the sunrise at the lake and yesterday evening I manage to catch the sunset, perfect book ends to a great weekend.

THE SUNRISE

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THE SUNSET

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On Saturday morning I heard this song on my iPod, it came on just as I walked past the spot where I got the call four years ago to tell me my Nan had died, I thought of my friend Mark who last weekend lost His Nan too.

ANGELS FLY by REAMONN
She saw the world through her smile
She held your hand you knew it’d be all right
She spoke of places she’d never been
“Now is the time”, she’d say, “to live the dream”

And she told us how she could fly
And she said “no need for goodbyes”
For we’d see her there in the skies
Where angels fly, angels fly

She stayed a while that summers day
Spoke through a smile of how she’d go away
I saw in her eyes, her pain
She took my hand and said “it’d be ok”

And now she’s soaring up into the sky
And she takes us all in her flight
And she told us the reasons why
Angels fly, angels fly

Some summer days I can see the smile
And in so many ways she’s still alive
And the love that she gave I keep down inside
I’m keeping it safe ’till I learn to fly

And she’s soaring up into the sky
And she takes us all in her flight
And I feel she’s still alive
Where angels fly, angels fly

And she told us how she could fly
And she said “no need for goodbyes”
For we’d see her there in the sky
Where angels fly, angels fly
Angels fly, my sweet angel flies.

New Morning Walk

For what seems like the first time in ages I managed to get up and force myself out for a walk this morning.  It was a 5am start and a short walk of just 8.6 miles in just a little over 2 hours.

My calf muscle injuries of last year seem to have cleared up, I can still feel them being a little stiff, but the muscle tears that I had are no way near as painful as they were 18 months ago.  I wan’t as fast as I used to be, but it was worth it.

And although the sun rise was early this morning, I just managed to get to the lake as it came up.

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Hopefully this is the start of a regular routine, just like it used to be, not just another false start.  I feel I am going to ache in the morning, but hopefully I can get five miles in before work!!!

WALK by FOO FIGHTERS
A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains
And sat and watched them burn?
I think I found my place
Can’t you feel it growing stronger?
Little conquerors

I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now
For the very first time
Don’t you pay no mind?
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a riot
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first decline another state of mind
I’m on my knees, I’m praying for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I’m on my knees
I never wanna die
I’m dancing on my grave
I’m running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I’ll never say goodbye
Forever, whatever
Forever, whatever

I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?

 

A Life In A Box

I guess sometimes you just have to pack things away and say goodbye to them, there was a day in my life where I had to do that, if I was ever going to break the chains that alcohol had gripped me with, then I had to start breaking them one by one.

It started the day when I met with Gareth, the day before had been the lowest day of my life, I had been face to face with the mirror, telling myself the world would better off if I was dead, God had broken that cycle of thought and even though I still drank that evening, there was a feeling of hope and optimism.

The next morning I called Gareth, we met later that evening and things began to change, they prayed for me that evening and for the first time I felt I was ready to accept God.

The evening before I had quite finished the second bottle of wine, I had had five pints of strong cider at the pub, picked up two bottles of wine on the way home and started on them as soon as I got in.

Usually if I fall asleep part way through a bottle, I would wake up and then finish it, even if it was 6.30am and I started work an hour later, I could easily drown half a bottle and get ready for work, still nobody suspected a thing. I had also become good at falling asleep with an open bottle of wine in my hand, note I never used glasses at home, I drank straight from the bottle, but I could fall asleep with a bottle in my hand and wake still holding tightly and not a drop being spilt either, I could even do it with full cans too.

Before my meeting with Gareth, I came back from work and Victoria was just getting ready to go out, she asked me the question she always asked if she was going out….

“Do you need to go to the shop?”

Essentially asking if I needed to go and buy alcohol, I was horrified! Normally I would say yes, grab what money I could find and head off to the shop, but this evening I knew there was no way I could drink in front of these two people, how could she think I would need to. I guess she though I would need it afterwards, but in my mind I knew this would be the start of the fight back.

I mentioned the fact to Gareth and Alex, that I had just under half a bottle of wine left and I may or may not drink it when they had gone. But really when they entered my house, so did an element of protection, they opened the door to God in my life and he walked in and threw His protection all over me. When they had gone, I had no inclination to drink from that bottle, it stayed where I had placed it earlier that day, on top of the fridge. There was a peace of sorts now upon me and drinking that bottle never crossed my mind, neither did the thought of going out to buy more.

That bottle stayed where I had placed it that morning for the next six days, I hatched a plan for it and that part of my life that it represented. Each day I walked passed the bottle, I looked up at it, but I would point a finger at it and talk to it. Each time I walked by I would tell it that it couldn’t have me, it wasn’t going to win, I wasn’t giving in to it anymore, victory would be mine and it was part of my plan to turn my life around.

Although as that week went by, I was still drinking, I would still have a drink a the pub after teaching, I was getting control back, I would only have two pints and then go, I wouldn’t try to persuade anyone to drink with me or stay a little longer, even though they didn’t want to, I would just get up and leave.  And that Sunday, as low as it was, was the last time any alcohol was ever brought into this house.

So come the following Sunday I put my plan into action, in my mind I wasn’t ready to go to Church yet, I was still drinking and I still had things I had to sort out. I was praying each day by now, simply asking for strength to get though each day. Each day I was trying to make changes in my life, changes for the better, starting to look after myself, no longer was I the unshaven, unkept and an unclean shadow of my former self that I had let myself become, I was turning things around.

So that morning I walked into town and brought the biggest plastic storage box I could, together with new bedding. When I got home I took all my old bedding and the old pillows and placed them in the bottom of this new box. Each night all I could smell on them was the stale odour of sweat and alcohol, I needed to lay my head on something clean, so now I had new bedding, that smelt new and not like the old me.

Then I took all the old clothes which I would lounge about the house in, all the socks and underwear that were torn and worn out, the clothes that reminded me of the unkept wretch I had faced in the mirror just the Sunday before. I even put in my watch, the fabric strap had the same stale smell to it, I had to be rid of it.

By now the box was pretty full, there was just enough room for one more thing, so I went into the kitchen and took down the bottle from the fridge and placed it on top of everything else. I closed the box, took a marker pen and wrote on the side of the box…

“I don’t need these anymore, to be put in the cellar with rest of the rubbish.
This is where the healing begins. Wayne Sunday 25th March 2012″

The Forgotten Box

The Forgotten Box

This was one of those moments where something inside told me to do this, a sort of cleansing from my life of all that reminded me of the person I had become, but desperately didn’t want to be anymore. That guy died in front of that mirror the week before, the guy that was placing these items in that box was a new being, he was fighting, he hadn’t given in.

It would be another four days until I finally took that last drink and then the following Sunday I walked into Church, it had been an eventful two weeks, but one that was full of God, from the moment He spoke to me in my hopelessness in front of the mirror, to now being in Church and God making me feel like I was home.

BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY & LACEY STURM
Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn’t looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I’ve never known
That I’ve never felt before

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
In my life

Only A Season

Only A Season (Malachi 4:2)

Your winter is only a season
The frost within will start to thaw
Sing loud His name Oh faithful ones
A new sun is soon to rise
As winter end and your springtime comes

With the new sun comes the healing
For we the faithful that call on His name
Into the sunshine we will go
With new lift within we will dance
To the rhythm of the Father’s grace

Malachi 4:2

Malachi 4:2

Three Years Of Blogging – Where Has The Time Gone?

It seems hard to believe that it’s three years to the days since I set up this blog and posted that first post, 9.19pm, 6th October 2012, where has that time gone?

It’s safe to say I didn’t know what to expect when I started this, what it would be that I would find from it or where it would take me.  I’m not a writer, I never have been, I hated it at school, in my English classes in High School, most of my course work went unfinished and if I did finish it, it was usually the least I could do to get away with completing it, I hated writing and don’t get me started on my views of poetry back then.

It’s funny how things change you, I never believed I had a talent for writing when I started this, not that I do now to be honest, but something in that challenge I was faced with made me look inside and find something I never knew was there.

I’m not an eloquent person, I struggle to express myself at times, I am naturally quite shy and introvert, my personal feelings are mine and they stay that way.  But over the few months before I started this I had began to face those natural tendencies to keep everything hidden inside.  When I came to God earlier that year I had a choice, keep hiding and keep suffering or be open, let it out and find my healing.  I began to tell my story to people and find a way to deal with the internal pain of the situation I had found myself in.  Then when I started journaling I found another way to express myself, although only I read back my journals, they are my personal feelings, I found it a great release and a great way to become accountable to someone and something, even if at that point it was only myself.

Then I felt that challenge, that challenge from God to begin this blog, to tell my story and express myself.  It became another way to find healing and another way to make myself accountable, not only now to myself, but also to the great people who have taken the time to read, like and even comment on my writings, from people who have shared similar journeys into depression or alcoholism or others just followers of Christ who support and encourage, it’s been a great experience and I hope it continues to be that way.

My current series of posting daily poems based upon bible verses is still set to run until the end of the year.  I set out to do this at the end of last year, I choose seven verses at random every Sunday evening and as the next week passes I write and post a poem based on one verse each day.  Some days I may write two, three or sometimes four and then schedule them over the coming days, other times I write them each evening, based on my feelings that day.  Some weeks I link all seven, telling a story or they form a conversation with God through poem as the week goes on, each one different and unique, each one mine.

I love the feedback I get when I see a comment that says “I needed to read this today”, as some days I am not sure who I am writing for, I just feel compelled to write, I look at the verse and just start writing, if I have to think about what to write it feels wrong, if I write and it just flows, then it’s what I am supposed to write, I may not know why or understand where it comes from, but I know if I write that way, it’s spirit led, to get positive feedback is the icing on the cake, I just wish sometimes I had more time to respond and comment back.

The long and the short of it is, I’ll continue to write, as long as someone continues to read it.  I was planning on just keeping this poetry series until the end of the year, but I now feel I may do it all again next year, just keep picking verses and writing a poem based on them, what do you all think?

On another note, I started walking again last week, well for two days I did anyway, the first day my new trainers took the skin off my heel and then on the second day they did it again, this time turning my trainer into a bloodbath, it was a bit of a mess and still hasn’t healed properly a week later, although I did get out at the weekend.  Hopefully I’ll get out again this week, I really enjoyed walking again, there’s nobody else about at that time in the morning, great time for thinking and talking with God, my headphones in and my praise music on, I sing along out loud, there’s no one around and nobody hears me or at least I hope not!

The weather hasn’t been that great, but I did catch a few good sun rises over the last few weeks, mainly on my way to work, below I share the best of them.

Band Of Gold

Band Of Gold

Breaking

Breaking

Between Morning Clouds

Between Morning Clouds

Beyond

Beyond

Golden Reflection

Golden Reflection

Across The Morning Sky

Across The Morning Sky

Morning Highlighted

Morning Highlighted

I have a few plans for more writing over the next few months, firstly I want to bring the “My Testimony” section up to date, I covered as far as New Year 2014, so I have the last couple of years to bring it up to now, I intend to finish that and then start on a new series which chronicles my whole karate career, starting from my first class in October 1980 (thirty five years ago this month) to coming out of retirement in this year’s National Championships. It’s not your usual story of a karate instructor or as dramatic as the Karate Kid, but it been such a big part of my life, 35 of my 41 years, that it has shaped parts of my life and who I am, I’m looking forward to writing that.

But for now, I just thank you all for reading my ramblings, thank you for following, for liking and your encouraging comments, believe me, I may not respond all the time, but I read and appreciate them all, so thank you all once again.

This is the song where it all started, this is the song I was listening to when I felt that pull from God to tell my story and start this blog, this song reduced me to tears on the morning of 6th October 2012, it started this journey into the unknown and I am so glad it did.

THE PRECIPICE by THE CLASSIC CRIME
I wish I could play the violin
I’d play ’til tears roll down your cheek and chin
And if you sang along
We could write the saddest song

Sometimes I indulge my every whim
And piece by piece I build the cell i’m in
But I only stay here long
Enough to write the saddest song

I dreamt I stood on a hill
That I wisedh was a mountain
To look back on all my accomplishments
Well they must have been small
‘Cause I couldn’t seem to find them
So I took a leap off of the precipice

I wish I could play piano well
I’d hit the keys that made your spirit swell
And if you sang along
We could write the saddest song

I dreamt I stood on a hill
That I wished was a mountain
To look back on all my accomplishments
Well they must have been small
Because I couldn’t seem to find them
So I took a leap off of the precipice

Whatever the cost, whether it works out or not
Whatever the cost, whether it works out or not
I’ll follow you, I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you with my heart

Whatever the cost, whether it works out or not
Whatever the cost, whether it works out or not
I’ll follow you, I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you with my heart

I dreamt I stood on a hill
That I wished was a mountain
To look back on all my accomplishments
Well they must have been small
Because I couldn’t seem to find them
So I took a leap off of the precipice

The Walk

The Walk

I took a walk
You called me out
As the sun rose
Beyond my horizons

I stepped on
Hand in hand with Your word
We journeyed
You spoke

Though the skin of my feet
Was torn, blooded and in shreds
I pushed on
Up the hill I faced

My legs burning
Yet on I pushed
None of this mattered
Just Your words

Because this I know
The pain that You lifted
Always outweighs
The pain inflicted