Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
Maybe some days are hard, some days feel dark, but regardless I still find myself in better days than before I found the Lord. So even in the dark days, I thank the Lord for all He has done and all His love.
THANK YOU by JAKE HAMILTON & KIM WALKER-SMITH Thank you for the summer Thank you for the rain And thank you for the pleasure Thank you for the pain Thank you for the flowers that bloom early may And thank you for the winter that washes for the rain
I wanna say thank you I wanna say thank you eeay!
And thank you for it all Thank you for the desert Thank you for the tree’s And thank you for the bearers And for the victory Thank you for the groaning that gives me room to grow Thank you for the seasons where i learn to reap and soul
I wanna say thank you I wanna say thank you Yea eer!
I wanna say thank you I wanna say thank you Yeea! Thank you for it all
So come let us worship Let us release a jamboree sound yeea! Let us enter his presence Let us all bow down Let us enter his presence Let us all bow down
It’s hard to believe that it’s five years since I last had a drink, especially when you consider it was hard to get through a day without a drink. The truth was, that after seeking help with a phone call to Gareth, I began to gain a level of control.
Then once I began praying to the Lord for help, I began to dislike the taste, it did nothing for me anymore, that initial relief of the first drink of the night, it wasn’t there anymore, the refreshing taste was gone, it began to taste like vinegar, each night it got worse.
So on 29th March 2012 I decided that if I didn’t like the taste of the first drink, then that would be it, no more!
I am thankful to say that it was the worst pint I had ever had, it tasted awful!
And I haven’t had a drink since that night, there have been some big tests of my resolve, but the Lord has seen me through it each time and I remain sober!
Psalm 34:4
I will ever be thankful to God for answering my prayers, for finding my at my depths and delivering me to a new life. I am thankful for all the members of His kingdom that He led me to, without them, this journey would have been so much harder.
This is just the start, five years it just a ripple, the journey now is really just beginning and I can’t wait to see where it leads me.
THANK YOU by JAKE HAMILTON & KIM WALKER-SMITH Thank you for the summer Thank you for the rain And thank you for the pleasure Thank you for the pain Thank you for the flowers that bloom early may And thank you for the winter that washes for the rain
I wanna say thank you I wanna say thank you And thank you for it all
Thank you for the desert Thank you for the tree’s And thank you for the bearers And for the victory Thank you for the groaning that gives me room to grow Thank you for the seasons where i learn to reap and soul I wanna say thank you I wanna say thank you
I wanna say thank you I wanna say thank you
Thank you for it all So come let us worship Let us release a jamboree sound
Let us enter his presence Let us all bow down Let us enter his presence Let us all bow down
As I quickly approach my five year sober anniversary this week, my mind is flooded with the memories of five years ago, when the Lord found me at my lowest and gave me the chance to live a new life.
THANK YOU by JONATHAN DAVID & MELISSA HELSER How do I say thank You, Lord For the way that You love And the way that You come
For all that You’ve done All that You’ll do My hearts pours out Thank You
You don’t have to come But You always do You show up in splendor And change the whole room
How do I say thank You, Lord For the life that You gave The cross that You bore
For the love You poured out To ransom my soul My hearts pours out This thankful song
You walk through all my walls Conquered my shame Stepped into my past Fill my world with grace You didn’t have to come But You wanted to
I would like to say thank you to all those who prayed and wished my Dad well yesterday. It seems the power of prayer came through yesterday and my Dad, despite the weekend’s set backs, has been released from hospital this afternoon and is back home.
The same Doctor that treated him yesterday, examined him this morning and saw fit to release him today.
I have spoken with Dad this evening and he seems so happy to be at home, he seems so much more lively than when I saw him Thursday and hopefully I will see him again tomorrow evening.
So once again thank you all and thank God for His amazing power of healing.
HYMN FOR MY FATHER by COLLECTIVE SOUL I will follow, I will follow Till the stars fall down, till the sun burns out I will follow, I will follow Till Gabriel’s horn does sound
I will follow, I will follow Through the path You chose with the words You spoke I will follow, I will follow By the love You always showed
I won’t cry out ’cause love has lifted me I won’t cry out ’cause now I will receive Everything that You’ve given me All things to me
I will follow, I will follow For in You I do believe
I will follow, I will follow Through the path You chose with the words You spoke I will follow, I will follow By the love, the love You showed
With my Nan’s funeral out of the way, a sense of normally returned to my life once again. All of the darkness that came about with the remorse for my actions had been lifted by my family at the funeral. So as March 2013 came to a close I was able to focus on the first anniversary of being sober.
Somehow that date of 29th March 2012 doesn’t seem to be a random date to just quit drinking, that day seems to have some significance, I’m not sure why, but the anniversaries or significant milestones always seem to fall on days of significance too. The first anniversary happened to fall on Good Friday, I’m sure it didn’t just happen to fall on that date, if it did I am thankful that it fell on that day, because it made it all the more memorable.
To be able to not only celebrate my freedom from addiction on that day, but to combine it with the day where we remember Christ’s sacrifice upon the cross for us all. It was the first time that I really felt I understood what Easter was all about and to experience it on a day that was such an important milestone in my life was an added bonus.
The weekend after James held a celebration at his house, inviting a number of people from Church who had been so supportive of me over the previous year. We had a great night, catching up and chatting about the previous year, it was a great way to celebrate and not a drop of alcohol in sight.
The previous twelve months had gone by so fast and so much had happened. The only low points up until then had really came about with the death of my Nan. There were times in those couple of weeks where I was at a real low and if I’m completely honest the thought of drinking again did cross my mind, but thankfully I was strong enough to avoid any temptation. I knew that not drinking was the only way I could survive and get through it.
In reality the only serious threat to my sobriety in the previous twelve months had come during those few weeks were the pain of the withdrawals were at their greatest. I knew then that my body was struggling to adapt without the alcohol that it had become accustomed to, I knew then I could end all of that pain with a drink, but through prayer and reaching out to friends, I found a way through it. Now those friends were coming together to celebrate with me, twelve months on there were so many people I owed a word of thanks to and they were there that night with me.
After the low start to March, it ended in such a great way, celebrating the strength I had found in God to get through. I had made through a year, I was grateful for that, because I knew in my heart, without that God intervention I would not have made it through the year, I was convinced that I would have suffered serious health problems or even worse, took my own life. But now I was celebrating life, celebrating all the amazing things that God had done in my life in just twelve short months.
By this time I was beginning to truly appreciate all of the points in my life before I got sober, in the those dark times when I was drinking to hide from my problems, where I could now really see God’s hand on my life. I obviously didn’t know it at that time, I couldn’t see it or hear it, but now I could appreciate it all. Even before I started to struggle I had stumbled across Christian music and found an interest in it. I didn’t know why, I didn’t really understand what it was saying into my life, but I sang along, not knowing why I was really listening to something I didn’t really believe in, but now I began to understand that this was just one of the stepping stones that God was putting in my path so I could find him.
Then came the people I would meet, over the years before my recovery I met so many people that in time would become such a support when I needed them. Before that they were just faces and names, people I liked, but never really thought I would have anything really in common with or would even really want to spend time with. But when it came down to it and I needed a support network, they were there in place already.
When I wobbled at the death of my Nan, they were all there once again, helping my through it all the way once again.
I guess there were so many stepping stones that God put before me when I was a lost alcoholic, I found myself desperate and stranded on the far side of the river, separated from the life that God meant for me and the only way over was to take a step on each of the stones laid across for me. Except when you then get close to the other side there’s one more step, but you can’t see it, you just have to believe it’s there, a deep breath and a step out in faith. I reached that step the night I prayed, to make it across to freedom I had to step out and trust in God, I did that night I first prayed, I stepped out and found my footing even though I couldn’t see the step below, then when I found that sobriety I finally made it to the other side and found the Father’s arms.
As March 2013 ended and April began, I was back in the spring of things, I was back out walking again and focused again. As the month went along everything seemed to be falling back into place after early March’s slip, but then it happened again, the numbness returned.
THANK YOU by JAKE HAMILTON & KIM WALKER-SMITH Thank you for the summer And thank you for the rain And thank you for the pleasure Thank you for the pain
Thank you for the flowers That bloom in early may And thank you for the winter That washes fall away
I want to say thank you Thank you for it all
Thank you for the deserts Thank you for the trees Thank you for the failures And for the victories
Thank you for the pruning That gives me room to grow Thank you for the seasons Where I learn to reap and sow
So come, let us worship Let us release a joyful sound Let us enter his presence Let us all bow down
It’s fair to say that this week has ended far better than it started. Last weekend was a tough one in many ways and I thank everyone who left a message of support. I very often find that when I share my struggle on this blog, it lifts the weight of it from my shoulders, it was certainly the case last Sunday, almost immediately after I had posted the gloom began to lift and I felt so much better.
As the weather has improved also as the week has gone on and I have managed to catch a few sunrises by the lake on the way to work, it seems like so long since I managed that, so as I always used to, I share the sunrises with you all.
Pastel Morning
Beyond The Blue
Fire In The Blue
Breaking The Dark
In The Blue
Between
Breaking
Highlighting
Risen
Skies
THANK YOU by JAKE HAMILTON & KIM WALKER-SMITH Thank you for the summer And thank you for the rain And thank you for the pleasure Thank you for the pain
Thank you for the flowers That bloom in early may And thank you for the winter That washes fall away
I want to say thank you Thank you for it all
Thank you for the deserts Thank you for the trees Thank you for the failures And for the victories
Thank you for the pruning That gives me room to grow Thank you for the seasons Where I learn to reap and sow
So come, let us worship Let us release a joyful sound Let us enter his presence Let us all bow down
What I have in my life now, I have only because of His Grace that saved me from myself.
THANK YOU by JAKE HAMILTON & KIM WALKER-SMITH Thank you for the summer Thank you for the rain And thank you for the pleasure Thank you for the pain And thank you for the flowers that bloom in early May And thank you for the winter that washes fall away
I want to say thank you I want to say thank you Thank you for it all
Thank you for the deserts Thank you for the trees Thank you for the failures and for the victories. Thank you for the pruning that gives me room to grow. Thank you for the seasons where I learn to reap and sow
I want to say thank you I want to say thank you Thank you for it all
So come let us worship Let us a release a joyful sound Let us enter his presence Let us all bow down Let us enter his presence Let us all bow down
I have days when I feel like I am suffering, but at the same time can still sing praises, despite everything I may be going through, I am still thankful that He set me free and that means more than the pain I go through, knowing that together we have conquered the pain of the past!
THANK YOU by JAKE HAMILTON & KIM WALKER-SMITH Thank you for the summer. Thank you for the rain. And thank you for the pleasure. Thank you for the pain. And thank you for the flowers that bloom in early May. And thank you for the winter that washes fall away.
I want to say thank you. I want to say thank you. Thank you for it all.
Thank you for the deserts, thank you for the trees. Thank you for the failures and for the victories. Thank you for the pruning that gives me room to grow. Thank you for the seasons where I learn to reap and sow.
I want to say thank you. I want to say thank you. Thank you for it all.
So come let us worship, let us a release a joyful sound. Let us enter his presence. Let us all bow down. Let us enter his presence. Let us all bow down.
We still seem to be in that winter season, where I go to work and then return home in the dark, for the most part I work inside a shop/warehouse with no windows, so I see very little daylight during the day. But thankfully the days are slowly pulling out, this morning although there wasn’t a fantastic sunrise, there was enough light on my way to work to grab a couple of photos, but give it a few weeks I should see the sunset as I walk home too.
Early Light
Light Beyond The Dark Clouds
Light In The Dark
Blue Within The Black
Light Upon The Path
I guess over these last few months my life has mirrored the season, my comings and goings have been in darkness, seeing only fleeting glimpses of light as I keep working through it all. But each day now gets lighter and lighter, yes there are those days when a dark cloud passes over and a storm brews, I had that on Tuesday, yet following that I had a day of clear bright skies and that continues today.
When I started this Blog my ultimate goal for it was to be inspiring, but there have been times over these last few months that I have felt anything but, times when it was a big internal fight to post or not, I was at a real low and didn’t feel I had anything positive to say. It felt like I was being self indulgent and attention seeking, but I guess it was a cry for help also, but having said that it never felt wrong to post about it. I have to say I am glad I kept blogging, I did at one point want to stop for a while at least.
But this journey didn’t just stop when I stopped drinking, it didn’t hit it’s peak when I was baptised, no that was just the start of this walk towards a new life and it continues on, sometimes along easy roads, at others through rough paths.
This walk may just take me through more and more dark times, but there will be good times too, so for now I’ll continue to do what I do, write about it, the good, the bad and the ugly.
I know I don’t get as much chance to respond to comments or visit other blogs as I would like, but I do read every comment and I appreciate them all, I just wanted to say thank you for all the support over the last few months, it has helped immensely.
The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26
THIS LIFE by THE AFTERS I come in to tuck her in. I’m so tired from where I’ve been, doing all I can to stay awake. As she goes on about her day, I hang on every word she says. She reaches out and puts her hand in mine. For a moment, we are here together. And it hits me that this won’t last forever.
We can’t own it We just get to hold it for a while. This Life. We can’t keep it Or save it for another time. This Life.
He was always there for me. Now he’s fighting just to breathe. I tell him it’s ok to let go. As I look into his eyes, I know that this won’t be the last time. But for now, we’re taking different roads. For a moment, we are here together. And it hits me that this won’t last forever.
We can’t own it We just get to hold it for a while. This Life. We can’t keep it Or save it for another time. This Life.
What we give is all we have. How we love is what will last. And this hope we know will carry us through this life.
We can’t own it We just get to hold it for a while. This Life. We can’t keep it Or save it for another time. This Life.
We were never meant to stay, So we don’t have to be afraid Of what is waiting on the other side.
The response to my posts of this last week have blown me away, the last few weeks have been hard emotionally for me, but I am fighting through them and the responses that you have all made, have helped make this last few weeks so much easier.
I wrote the poem “If We Ever Meet Face To Face” as a sincere thank you to you all, the response to those words have once again been beyond my contemplation, thank you all, from the bottom of my heart thank you.
I always try to respond to new comments on my posts and what used to take minutes each evening, now takes a lot longer these days because of your kindness and sometimes I run out of time before the clock ticks on to Midnight, so I’m going to spend the next hour or so responding to every one of them, before I set off for karate this afternoon.
Today I share this song that played on my iPod this morning as I walked, again, I’ve heard it before, but this morning it struck a chord and I just had to share it with, sorry there’s no lyric video for it, maybe I’ll make on one day.
Just for a moment start to forget about the scars And forget who you think you are Don’t say another word You’re meant for greatness (Just For A Moment Forget Who You Are by The Rocket Summer)
The Bottom of a Bottle 