I guess I got my wish, I said I wasn’t going to celebrate my birthday yesterday, but when it hit me between the eyes like someone had swung a cricket bat at my head, I slipped back, I clung to my path, I counted my day, but I had an awful feeling of isolation, quite simply it felt like I was Bruce Willis’s character in the Sixth Sense, although I was at home, I was invisible, nobody could see me, I was a ghost!
Let me try to explain.
Although I posted on here Wednesday night and on Facebook yesterday morning, that I wasn’t celebrating my birthday but instead my SoberDay, I got up early, I walked early so I didn’t have to rush to work, I could open my cards and presents with the kids.
Well no, my son was up but went on his Playstation without say anything, my daughter never woke and that was that I went to work without hearing happy birthday!
I went through the day at work, although I had some great messages on here and Facebook, by the time I walked home I had still not heard the words!
I got home and everyone went about their usual evening routine and still no happy birthday, I began to feel like Bruce Willis again, I wanted to reach out but nobody saw me, so after an hour or so of silence, I open the few cards and presents I had got, then left for Church, by now feeling abandoned.
I had an hour or so at Church, then just as I was leaving, someone finally said “Happy Birthday”, it took over 20 hours, it wasn’t from my close loved ones, but it made me feel better anyway.
I prayed for the strength to rise above I’ve it all, after all I had asked for it not to be celebrated, but I thought my kids would want to anyway, so I lifted myself, put an appearance in at Karate and went to help the Foxy Ladies at the pub quiz, whilst holding onto my lime n soda. The Foxy Ladies are a group of older ladies and pensioners that come together once a week to do the pub quiz, by accident I helped them a few years back when they were struggling with sports, music and film questions, I’ve been helping them ever since. I don’t know anything intelligent, just a muddle of rubbish, I can tell you who the first ever UK Christmas no 1 was and who played John the Baptist in the Greatest Story Ever Told, but anything on the news or important, it just passes me by.
I got a phone call from James about 10pm, which lifted my spirits, I’m out with him again tonight, he always has the ability to lift me, so I look forward to tonight.
But when I got home I wanted so much to vent my anger, to post a very angry blog on here, so I logged on in preparation, but a comment from Candy S at Finding Order In Chaos, saying she had been nominated me for a “REALITY Blog Award” which instantly lifted my spirits further. I started this blog on 6th October, so exactly two months later to get my first award was great, another thing to add to the day of anniversaries, so I completed my journal counted my day as the 252nd SoberDay, so all was good really.
Then this morning, the family went about their morning routines not paying any attention to me so, I drifted back to being Bruce Willis, a ghost in my own home. So I fought the urge to stay in bed and went for a two hour walk.
I’m so glad I did, I reasoned it all, I cried out to God and Jesus, I cried I was sorry, that I accept after years of self isolation, I was now reaping what I had sown, I had ignored those around me on special days, as I was lost in my own sorry, bitter, tortured world, now I was getting my penance, my punishment and well I deserve it, I will take it and I will learn from it.
My walk quickly changed my mood, as I prayed for songs to lift me, they kept coming and I kept singing out loud, Traumatising Rabbits as I went.
One song on my playlist, which is not really a Christian song of faith, is Landing in London by 3 Doors Down, it deals with the singers isolation from his loved one whilst on tour with his group. I understand this, as even though I live with who I call my partner, I am isolated from her, our situation means I am apart from her, but I love her so much, even after everything I love her and want to be close to her, but I can’t, even though we are in the same house, so I find myself singing this song to her.
But then I realise I am actually singing this song to God, it is I guess a metaphor for my lost years, my isolation from God as much as my partner. Either way I sang out loud, so now I share the song with you (not my version, Traumatising Rabbits is one thing, deafening my readers is inexcusable).
“And when the night falls in around me
I don’t think ill make it through
I’ll use your light to guide the way
Cause all I think about is you”
(Landing In London by 3 Doors Down)
Another song that I sang loud and proud on my secluded walk along the cycle path was Jesus Friend Of Sinners by the Casting Crowns, I sang and believed every word, I was the sinner, I was the lost cause, I was the outcast, He died for my sins, with this came realisation, once again I am forgiven and it is all forgotten, lift your head up, wall talk and live again.
“And I was the lost cause
And I was the outcast
You died for sinners just like me
A grateful leper at Your feet”
(Jesus Friend Of Sinners by The Casting Crowns)
Then one final song as I neared home, this is a new one, I’ve only listened to it a few times before, but I sang along anyway (not so loud this time, I was walking through the cemetery by this point), everything seemed to become sane again, my angriness, my isolation, my brokenness, my transparency, they had all vanished, I had fallen to pieces once again and was put back together, once again.
“It’s like I’m falling to pieces
With one gaze from Your eyes.
And then You put me together when You say you are mine.”
(The Love Of God by The Glorious Unseen)
I am feeling good about myself again, I’ve been low for the last 24 hours or so, but I am back on track now, got a Karate class later (great 40 to 50 screaming kids, can’t wait), then out for a meal, life is good again.
Tonight I will complete my journal, on top of the page, in bold hand writing will be:
Sober Day: 253
So all is GOOD!
Sorry but if you’ve never seen the Sixth Sense and were planning a lovely evening to watch it for the first time, I have spoilt the ending for you, yes he is a ghost all along, no I didn’t get it until the end either and yes my “partner” got it in the middle of the film, but I was too stupid to do that!