Tag Archives: The Hurt And The Healer

Broken By A Dream

Broken By A Dream

I know I have been here before, I’ve had bad dreams before, reoccurring dreams that in some way get you every time.  But this one is beyond reoccurring, it tortures in a way that messes with the mind.  I know that I am not the only who suffers from these, I have read many recovering alcoholics write or talk of the same dreams, feel the same pain, anguish and guilt.

When I dream in this way the guilt runs through me hard, when I first wake I can’t get my head around the true reality, usually within minutes I can get my head around it, not today though.

These dreams, dreams where I see myself drinking, alone or with others, but nonetheless drinking, where in the dream there is a moment of realisation and then the guilt hits, that is usually when I wake.  In waking it’s like the dream continues, it hard to tell the difference between the dream and reality.

I used to get these fairly regularly, every couple of months or so, but in the last year I have only suffered from one of these, that was some months ago, over the years they come less and less, generally easier to deal with too.

Before I have even got up and walked around my room and even the house to check that there are no empty bottles, no evidence that the dream was actually real.  Once I have satisfied myself it was all a dream the guilt and the sense of panic goes.  For a while I may feel guilty, like I’ve thrown it all away, but usually within minutes this subsides, I get my head straight and carry on to face the day.

But not today.

The early panic hit when I awoke from my dream. But this was different, I couldn’t shake the feeling that although I may not have drank last night, but that I had definitely drank at some point during the last seven and half years.  Though in my heart I know that I haven’t, that I haven’t thrown anything away, my mind kept telling me I had.

After a while it all settled down, I seemed to get my head straight and move on, as before.  Then I got up to get ready for church, I stood in the shower and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I was so short of breath, my chest was pounding and everything went numb.  I have had panic attacks before, I know how they feel, but never this severe, this relentless, I stood paralyzed beneath the running water, I couldn’t move, only struggle for breath and cry.

Eventually, I got myself out of the shower, but I was shaking, I don’t know how long I was in there, must have been at least ten minutes.  But the panic attacks kept coming in waves, I would struggle for breath, cry for a while and then it cleared, only to follow the same cycle.

I forced myself out of the house and on empty legs made it to Church.  During the walk, the panic kept coming, not as severe, but bad enough.

Then once I got there, I just stood there shaking, until someone spoke to me.  From that point onwards, I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t breathe again, I broke down to my friend Richard and explained it all.  We went to one of the quiet rooms upstairs to talk about it and gradually I began to calm down and come back around.  Over the course of the morning, I spoke with Richard and few close friends, ones that know and understand my story and also know of these dreams, they all offered prayers and support.

It’s hard to explain these dreams and feelings to others that have no experience or reference point to compare.  The killer is the guilt, it makes me feel like I’ve let everyone down, like I failed myself and in turned failed my friends and the Lord Himself.

I can put my hand on my heart and swear I have not touched a drink since Thursday 29th March 2012, for two thousand, seven hundred and forty seven days, I have kept the beast at bay.

Today it did not want to stay caged anymore, if it couldn’t make me drink,
it was out to destroy my mind, my heart and my faith.

I’m working it all out, I’m gradually getting my head around it, it was after all just a dream, but I guess it has triggered something deeper inside.

I feel for too long I’ve held everything within, I know I have in my own way been struggling for at least twelve months, I’ve tried to push through on my own, without bothering anyone else, but you can only push so far alone.  Today I think was the day when it all had to come out.  A few things have been troubling me over the summer, I’ve tried to deal with them and just get on with it, but I think today it all became too much, today it hit the surface.

I have friends coming over later to chat, friends I know I can be genuine with, explain it all, they probably know my story, my fears and my struggles better than anyone else, they know of my past experience with these dreams, I know this can only be a good thing.

I haven’t written too much in the way of stories or articles in the last year or so, I have put all my hurt and struggle into my daily poems, but never fully addressed them.  In a poem I can touch on a subject without getting into explanations, maybe I hide behind them sometimes, but I write them with a truthful heart, sometimes with the pain, sometimes the hope and sometimes the fear, but I still understand I have been hiding and now is the time to stop, to be honest.

In being honest, I know I will help myself deal with this guilt and maybe help others understand that maybe they aren’t the only ones that feel this way too.

I started this blog exactly seven years ago today, maybe the time is right to get back to what I started to do when I began this blog, talk about exactly how I feel.  I’m going to continue with the daily poems, but I am also going to start writing like this again too, maybe once a week, maybe once a month, but I am definitely going to write more and deal with my feelings again.

Time to stop hiding.

THE HURT AND THE HEALER by MERCYME
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say it’s over now

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Verse of the Day – Isaiah 44:22

Isaiah 44:22

Isaiah 44:22

When sin drove me to the brink, thankfully the Father called me back, I’ll be forever thankful for His grace.

THE HURT AND THE HEALER by MERCYME
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from being explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it’s rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here

#iThankyou – Fighting The Urge To Run & Hide

Today has been a real struggle, probably, not probably definitely the worst day I’ve had since I walked into the Everyday Champions Church on the 1st April last year, I’ve had bad days in the eleven months or so since then, but today I really hit the lows of my former self once again.

This last ten days has drained me of any energy, I just can’t get going, the headache which has clouded my week just wouldn’t go away and it really has taken it’s toll.

Despite my early alarm, it took me an hour to get out the house, I didn’t have the energy or the will power for a long walk, so I decided to just walk to the lake and sit for a while, it was freezing, it was windy and despite it being March it was trying to snow, real uplifting weather!

I love sitting by the lake, it has been a source of peace and inspiration, whether it’s been a stunning sun rise or gloomy weather, it’s been a place I can go to escape, to find my quiet peace.

This morning it was so different, I was at such a low, I was so stuck deep inside the turmoil of my own mind that there was no inspiration, it was all desperation, desperation, desolation and depression that I’ve not felt since Mothers Day last year, this morning it all came rushing back and the same feelings of self-worth or actually lack of it, flooded my mind and I lost my hope.

As I sat there I entertained the notion of just standing up and walking into the lake, just taking everything I had with me and walk into the water, I was convinced that if I did, no one would miss me, I just wanted to disappear.

Mothers Day last year was the day I stood in my bathroom with a knife at my wrist, ready to put an end to the pain I was in then, that was the day when I couldn’t end it, so I decided to change it, to sort my life out.

Almost one year later I’m back in my own head, struggling with the trappings of my former self, this morning was a low that wouldn’t go away easily.

So, cold and feeling low, I returned home and got in the bath in an attempt to calm myself and sort myself out.  Whilst laying there I continued reading the Book of Acts from the New Testament, to a certain extent that was helping.

But as I lay there I realised how low I was sinking, I felt so low I was convincing myself I wasn’t going to go to Church, I actually didn’t want the people who had helped me so much see what I was becoming, I felt letting them see me like this was letting them down, they had done so much for me over the last eleven months I really didn’t want them to see that I fallen back so far.  It took a great effort to get up and get myself ready.

For me it was a real slow walk to Church, it crossed my mind to just keep walking, I don’t know where, but again for a moment I really didn’t want to go to Church, but I knew deep down I had too, I was scheduled to help out with the lighting on the A.V. desk today, I made it to Church, not in a good way, but I was there in body, if not in spirit.

As I walked in I met with Paul and Jo Tilley, both know what has been happening over the last week and both have been really comforting, but as I walked in with Paul, it all came out, I just broke down into tears and told him everything, about the lake, the lot, I needed to tell someone and as he was the first person I met with, it he that I released it all to.

Paul was great, he insisted that I come for dinner after the service, I really didn’t want to invade, it is after all Mothers day, but he insisted and I agreed.

I really did try to compose myself, but I just kept losing it with everyone that came by, I really was lost within myself, I just cried with everyone that stopped to talk.  I excused myself from my duties with the A.V. Team, Dom who I was supposed to be working with was very understanding, so I took a seat, my normal seat right at the back in the corner, alone, just as the first day I walked into Church, the seat I returned to every time, my seat.

I really tried my best to get into Worship, I wasn’t really feeling it but I was giving the best I could, despite the continuing headache and the extreme tiredness, I sang along as best I could.

I had spoken with Gareth shortly after I took my seat, we spoke last week so he was aware of the my current issues, so I told him how I was feeling, although I don’t think I told him about the episode at the lake, I only spoke about that to Paul, he was very helpful and calming.  His preach was great as usual, once again it seemed like he was talking directly to me, like his whole preach was created to be spoken to me, I know it isn’t but that’s the way it felt today, again!

It was hard to sit there and just listen, the thumping headache just wouldn’t budge at first, each and every time I closed my eyes in pain, I had to fight to stay awake, if I closed my eyes I drifted off, if I kept them open my headache took control.  I fought to listen to every word, I have downloaded the Podcast and I will, as is now my routine, listen to it whilst walking in the morning.  His word was clear, we should give Thanks to God before everything, the good, the bad, the everything, whatever we are going through give thanks, no matter how bad it is, be thankful.

I understood what he was saying, I always start my prayers with thanks for the strength I’ve received to get as far as I have, but it is easy to see all this stress and anguish as a problem, yes it’s a test, I know that, this test may last until after the funeral on Tuesday, it may hound me until 29th March, my Sober Anniversary, but however long it lasts, I will give thanks for it, because no matter how low I have felt today, I’ve been there before and beat it, I will beat it again, it’s a test and I will not fall, I will rise again.

I can’t actually remember when my headache disappeared, but I don’t actually remember feeling it since I left Church.  I had a wonderful dinner with the Tilley family, they made me feel extremely welcome and I am thankful to them for that.  Paul and Jo were very understanding and once again very calming.

I returned home after dinner and just laid down and slept for a couple of hours.  It’s funny, but I don’t feel like the same person that left for Church this morning, that person was in pain, he was angry, he was low, he was beaten down.  This person who’s fingers are working this keyboard to share this with you all, is completely different, I haven’t felt this together since I got the news about my Nanna’s passing, I don’t really understand how these things can happen, how such a change can come to pass in just a matter of hours, but God has his way of working his miracles and despite my reluctance to get up and get to Church this morning, I made it and through his people he has pulled me through once again.

A year ago he lead me to the Everyday Champions Church to bring me from the edge and one year later he lead me back to save me from returning to the that edge, for that I will be ever thankful to him and everyone at ECC.

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
(The Hurt And The Healer by MercyMe)