Tag Archives: The Song You Sing

My Inner Thoughts

My Inner Thoughts – Daily Prompt

Usually I am quite a shy person, I don’t let my feelings be easily seen by others.  In the past my inner most feelings only surfaced after I became drunk or relaxed through drink, where my inhibitions were laid dormant, the alcohol became dominant over my natural shyness.

But not everyone would see this, yes people would say I would talk more or express more of an opinion when I was happily drunk, but other than that there were times when my deepest feelings surfaced, but these would only be seen by Victoria, I don’t remember how many times I would end up crying myself to sleep in her arms, I miss those days, not the drink mind you, just being able to let go of all my feelings and feel safe in the physical embrace of loving arms.

Obviously in my dark years of drinking to hide all my feelings, I kept them in, there were the odd times in the early days where I would let some out, but the more I isolated myself, the further away Victoria arms seemed and less I sought their safety and security.

When eventually that world I created collapsed around me and Victoria’s arms were finally closed to me, when I fell face down on the floor, a lost soul and finally sunk as low as to contemplate suicide one more time, then my world changed, I had to change.

I sought out a different way of life and found God and redemption through Christ.  When I met with Gareth my now Pastor, I had to be honest to find the change I need, I had to let it all come out, it was the only way, to finally admit my problems and find a possible solution and recovery.

Then when I walked into Church, I had a big decision to make, people would ask why I was there, no one knew anything about what was happening in my life, I had the choice, keep hiding and admit just a little of who I was and what I had been through or be completely honest, tell the truth about everything, not hide any thing, let it out.  We discussed being honest at the #MMV meeting last Sunday evening, I pointed out that us men in particular aren’t good at sharing our inner most feelings, women do it far more naturally than us males, we see letting our inner most thoughts as showing our weakness and that isn’t a very male thing to do.

But in order to face our problems, we have to expose our problems.

“You have to take it out of the box, if you keep it hidden away in a box it can never be dealt with, it remains hidden, when it’s taken out of the box, you have to do something with it!”

When your problems are exposed, when it’s out in the open, then you have to do something about it, you can no longer hide behind it.

Having said all that though, I still find that writing on here I can just let go, I write about things in detail on here that I maybe struggle to admit to people face to face, not about them, this Blog isn’t a vehicle for dissing others, but about myself, I can expose so much more by the written word, than in a face to face discussion.

There are people over this last 400 Days of Sobriety, that maybe I have let see more of my inner self than others, in particular James and a few others, but still, I think I have certainly been more open on here, not necessarily more honest, it’s not that I lie about anything to the others, I just don’t always feel the time or the place for certain discussions about where I am is right, on here that doesn’t matter, when I’m ready to write, it writes itself and I just post it, a bit like this, as soon as I saw the prompt, I just started typing, no thought process, just a flow of words.

When my first Nanna died at the beginning of March, I couldn’t express myself to those close to me, I was in such a low place, I thought I was letting them down by feeling so low after all they had done to help me change my life.  But on here I could be honest, I could write it, but not say it.

That I guess is the way I am, but I’m glad I’ve found this medium to express myself, to let out those thoughts, which in the past have eaten away at myself, that I would hide beneath the volumes of alcohol, now I don’t hide them, I expose them on here and more importantly nothing that goes on here is hidden from God, I speak to him more freely about things than I do on here, sorry but He comes first, I’m sure you’ll understand.

But thank you all for reading my thoughts, reading through my pain, laughing with me, crying with me, encouraging me and most of all caring for me, I may never have met any of you, but all those that take the time to like and to comment, thank you, you are all wonderful people and great friends.

I heard this song this morning, I think the lyrics fit, Does The Song You Sing Have Enough Meaning?

I hope
The words I wrote
Keep calling out
Keep calling out
Forever let them ring
Hear them echoing, hear them echoing
Does the song you sing
Have enough meaning
Inspire us to sing along
Does the song you sing keep echoing
Inspire us to sing the song you sing
(The Song You Sing by Creed)

Daily Prompt: Musical

Daily Prompt: Musical
What Role Does Music Play In Your Life?

Quite simply music does and has always played a large part of my life.  I’m not particularly musically gifted, I don’t sing (tone deaf) and I don’t play any instruments, but I love good music, regardless of what type.

Although I prefer to listen to music that is created by and played by the artist, boy bands, girl bands and the large part of the dance music genre hold virtually no place in my musical tastes, the odd song done well is okay, kind of like Back For Good by Take That, etc, other than that I like music driven by the musicians, not the producers.

I grew up listening to a lot of sixties music, including Motown/Soul and reggae, mainly through my parents influence, they held the purse strings and bought the music, so we listened to a lot of their tastes, I still like that music, although at the moment I don’t really listen to a great amount of it.

There is still the odd song from the sixties Motown sound that I really like, although not so well now, Indiana Wants Me by R Dean Taylor is still a stand out for me, I can’t explain why, I just really like it.

Obviously you’ve gotta love the Beatles, even if you don’t I think everyone has at least one song of theirs which you must love, for me that one is A Day In The Life.

When I started work in 1990 I was in to any sort of music, but I soon developed a taste for the UK’s Indie music scene, with bands like James, The Wonder Stuff, The Charlatans, Suede and Carter USM, I would get my wages and spend around £200 a month on CDs and records, my parents garage is filled with over 1500 7” vinyl singles and 1500 CD singles and over 300 CD albums, they always nag me about moving them, but I just haven’t got room.

When I started dating Victoria back in 1997 I slowly reduced my record buying, but still brought the odd CD throughout the coming years, like many I’ve download from the internet over recent years and since I’ve had my iPod I’ve filled it with thousands of songs.

About five years ago my tastes changes again and I move into the slightly heavier US rock scene, some quite heavy, some more radio friendly and some quiet angry, I chose songs that echoed my mood at the time.

Eventually I discovered Christian Rock music, even though I wasn’t a Christian at the time, the music was good and I enjoyed it. I found through my troubled years that followed I started to listen to it even more, until eventually when my world collapsed and I turn to God for the strength to rebuild my life, I started to listen to Christian Music even more and now listen to very little else.  There are many great bands and songs, I try to add a song to every one of my posts (except with poetry or photography posts), I try to choose a song that matches the content, but not always, it may just be the song I was listening to last or really caught my attention earlier in the day that I just want to share.

Quite simply for over twenty years I have been immersed in a world of music, my tastes change as life moves on, but I never ditch those tastes, I just archive them and return to them in moments of nostalgia.  I have rarely walked alone without music in my ears in those last twenty years, starting with an old cassette tape walkman, an early portable CD player and now my iPod.  When I walk every morning I have music in my ears and quite often, in moments of solitude, I sing along.