Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
If we are the servants of the Lord, we have received His word, His wisdom. As His servants we must prove faithful by spreading this great word, this great wisdom, there are those that do not know, those that need to find a way out of where they are.
I was once like that, then one night, someone came and told me of the word of God, since that day my life has not been the same, that night doors opened, light came in and I came alive.
BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY and LACEY STURM Today I found myself After searching all these years And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be I was lost when you found me here And I was broken beyond repair Then you came along and you sang your song over me
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time For the very first time In my life
Make a promise to me now Reassure my heart somehow That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything I’ve a feeling in my soul And I pray that I’m not wrong That the life I have now, it is only the beginning
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time For the very first time It feels like I’m breathing It feels like I’m moving For the very first time For the very first time
I wasn’t looking for something that was more Than what I had yesterday Then you came to me and you gave to me Life and a love that I’ve never known That I’ve never felt before
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time I’m living for the first time It feels like I’m breathing It feels like I’m moving For the very first time I’m living for the first time In my life
Only when I completely put my trust in the Lord, do I begin to triumph over anything I am facing.
TRUST IN JESUS by THIRD DAY One of these days we all will stand in judgment for Every single word that we have spoken One of these days we all will stand before the Lord Give a reason for everything we’ve done And what I’ve done is
Trust in Jesus My great Deliverer My strong Defender The Son of God I trust in Jesus Blessed Redeemer My Lord forever The Holy One, the Holy One
What are you going to do when your time has come And your life is done and there’s nothing you can stand on What will you have to say at the judgment throne I already know the only thing that I can say I
There’s nothing I can do on my own to find forgiveness It’s by His grace alone I trust in Jesus Trust in Jesus
One of these days we all will stand in judgment for Every single word that we have spoken One of these days we all will stand before the Lord
To write each day my poems is my way of praise. Each day is different, so each poem is different too. Sometimes it feels like a chore, but I make time for each one each day and afterwards I feel better for doing it.
SING PRAISES by THIRD DAY Sing praises to our God, sing praises Sing praises to our King, sing praises Let all the nations sing Let all the nations sing of His love Oh, sing praises
So shout for joy all of His children So shout for joy all of His children Let all the people sing Let all the people sing of His love Oh, sing praises
For You are God and You are worthy Of all our lives and all our praise And so we sing to the Most Holy The Lord, our God The Lord, our King
Sing Praises to our God, sing praises Sing Praises to our King, sing praises For He alone is God For He alone is worthy of praise Oh, sing praises
This is the amazing promise of Christ, if we remain in Him we will see victory and if we are victorious, He will acknowledge our name before the Father, we will have eternal life with Christ and the Father.
VICTORIOUS by THIRD DAY In all the heavens, there is One Who conquered death alone and brought our freedom Your throne will last throughout all time Let all the nations bow and bring You praise
Victorious, You reign victorious Over sin, over death, over all, over us
And with the angels, we will sing A blessed multitude of Your creation Rejoicing with our holy King The only One that brings us our salvation
Victorious, You reign victorious Over sin, over death, over all, over us Victorious, You reign victorious In Your mighty name we trust Let all proclaim You reign victorious You reign victorious
All nations rise and they will fall The kingdom of our God will last forever All nations rise and they will fall The kingdom of our God will last forever
Victorious, we lift You up, victorious Victorious, we lift You up, victorious
Victorious, You reign victorious Over sin, over death, over all, over us
Why do we sometimes pray and expect the answer right there when we open our eyes, feeling disappointed that things just don’t change as we want, when we want them to? The truth is God is our HELP, God is our SHIELD, He is our protector, He knows our hearts better than we do, all things He has put in place, so where is our true hope and faith, why don’t we wait for His TRUE answer, to be revealed in His time not ours?
DON’T GIVE UP HOPE by THIRD DAY This world just keeps on getting crazier and crazier everyday You’re so afraid Sometimes it feels like it’s chasing your sanity away And you start to break Let me help you find your way
Don’t give up faith Don’t give up hope There’s always something better Waiting around the corner Don’t give up now Please, don’t let go What can feel like the ending Could just be the beginning Don’t give up hope
Your life is spinning like a rocket that’s gone out of control And you’ve let go You’re slowly losing your confidence, you’re a wounded soul But I hope you know I can help you find your way
Don’t give up faith Don’t give up hope There’s always something better Waiting around the corner Don’t give up now Please, don’t let go What can seem like the ending
Could just be the beginning Don’t give up hope Don’t give up hope now
Don’t turn around Keep on moving Find your faith You’ll be doing all right now Don’t look back Keep on moving Find your faith And you’ll be doing all right now Don’t look back Keep on moving Find your faith And you’ll be doing all right now
Don’t give up faith Don’t give up hope There’s always something better Waiting around the corner Don’t give up now Please, don’t let go What can seem like the ending Could just be the beginning
Don’t give up faith Don’t give up hope There’s always something better Waiting around the corner Don’t give up now Please, don’t let go What can seem like the ending Could just be the beginning
The One who created the stars and the earth, created us too, He knows our name and knows our hearts, there is no one greater.
MAKER by THIRD DAY We built our idols just to see them fall And our false gods brought us nothing at all How foolish we have been Forgive us for our sins
Maker, there is none like You Savior, no one else will do Lord, there is no other God Lord, there is no other God Maker, there is none like You
And on our own, we have nothing but shame But by Your grace, we all can stand again, yeah How foolish we have been Forgive us for our sins
Gather together All around the world Join with the angels Lift up your voice He is our Maker He is our God and our Lord
Maker, there is none like You Savior, no one else will do Lord, there is no other God Lord, there is no other God Maker, there is none like You
Sometimes we have to put aside that which holds us down, that which keeps us trapped, that which is the destroyer of our souls.
Five years ago life was changing rapidly, I was now finding a way through that I had never dreamed off, only a week before I was torn between life and death, between holding on and simply giving up on life and everything that goes with it.
But that voice, the voice I later found to be God’s stopped me in my tracks, made me see I had some worth to someone, even if I had none to myself. From that moment chains were snapping, things were changing, a mind set for despair began to see life. That morning after I made a phone call that changed everything for good, last week I described how that single call to my Pastor tore the veil that was shrouding me, the world began to see my pain and more importantly I began to see God.
Two nights later, I prayed for the first time. It had been a long hard day at work, after a nine and half hour shift, I went straight to the architects to do what I thought would only be about an hours work, then home. But they had more work for me than I anticipated and the more I rushed, the more mistakes and the longer it took, I was getting stressed, I had not had much more than three hours sleep over the preceding two nights and I wanted to go home and have a drink, the desperation was returning. I remember thinking to myself it would be fine, on the way home pick up two bottles of wine, drink them both and relax!
After about two hours I finally left, it was gone 7.30pm, over twelve hours since I left home that morning for work, I was tired, irritable and desperate.
I went home, had something to eat, watched some TV and then decided I was bored, so time for bed.
What I didn’t realise was that was almost 11.30pm, but not only that I hadn’t had a drink, I hadn’t stopped off at the shop in the way home, I had gone straight home and what’s more, I don’t remember any of the anguish or desperation that had been there in the preceding weeks. At no point had I paced the house, scratching at the skin on my arms, whilst I tried to resist a drink, there was none of that, but a sense of peace was there.
I turned everything off, laid down, closed my eyes and prayed, I thanked God for that strength to get through without drinking and I asked for the strength to get through each day like that, then I closed my eyes and slept.
Having not really being able to sleep at anytime without a drink over the last few years, in particular the previous two nights, when I woke with my alarm, I realised I had just experienced the most peaceful sleep of my whole life, at that moment I cried as I realised God had heard and answered my prayer, He had brought a peace that is hard to describe, other that absolutely amazing.
By the time Sunday came around, I had only had six pints since the previous weekend, a fraction of what I drank on the previous Sunday and since my phone call, I had brought nothing into my house and had drunk nothing in my house either.
From the previous weekend there was about a third of a bottle of wine left, I had placed it on the top of the fridge. All week I had walked past that bottle, but eventually I began to speak out to it, I told this bottle that it couldn’t have me, it had no power over me, I had a plan for it and as Sunday came around, it was time to action that plan. It was time to say goodbye to some of my past.
I didn’t feel I was ready for Church yet, although I knew that was to be my destiny, but I knew certain things had to be dealt with before I could walk into Church. So I set off into town, I needed the largest plastic container that I could find, yet still carry home.
I brought the container home and began to fill it. Firstly I took all my bedding and put it at the bottom of the box, it all stank of the alcohol I had spilt on it over the years, I had become quite good at falling asleep with an open bottle of wine in my hand, eventually I didn’t spill much, I would wake in the morning with this open bottle, drink the rest and then go to work, that was who I had become, so the smell of sweat and alcohol mixed had to go, I had purchased new bedding, so this was to go.
On top of that I placed the clothes I had been sleeping in, just a tatty tracksuit, a couple of t-shirts and all my worn out underwear and socks, these were the clothes I would lounge about the house in and drink in, like my bedding they had that stale smell of sweat and alcohol mixed, they had to go too. On top of those I added my watch, the fabric strap had the same smell, that had to go with the rest of it.
Then with the box almost full there was one thing left to go in, the last bottle of wine that I had ever purchased, is was only a third full, but it wasn’t going to be drank, this was the plan I had for it all week, to be put in this box and put it away with the rest of my past. I placed it carefully on top of everything else and closed the box. On the box in marker pen, I wrote the date and “This Is Where The Healing Begins”. Then I took the box down into the cellar and placed it with all the other forgotten rubbish we had collected over the years.
The box remains there, five years on.
The Forgotten Box
I honestly don’t remember what prompted me to do this, I cannot remember that actual point that I came up with the idea, it just became a plan that I thought of and put into action. In a way I had to make a symbolic gesture of packing away a part of my life that I didn’t need or want anymore, to make a positive action to say goodbye to the part of me that would lounge around the house drinking, the new me was rising and there was no space in my life anymore for this version of me,it had to be packed away.
I do recall reading a story of a girl in America who gave away a razor blade that she had used to cut herself with to the band Tenth Avenue North, one of their songs had inspired her to quit self harming, so when she met the band she made that gesture, maybe this was what inspired me, I can’t honestly remember, but I knew it was something I had to do.
Four days later, 29th March 2012, I took my last drink, the next morning I woke free, knowing I had made the choice to never drink again, I knew I had the strength now to resist and that I would never have to wake feeling fuzzy ever again, then just a few days later I would walk into the Everyday Champions Church and knew I had found my home.
God had lead me home!
BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY ft LACEY STURM Today I found myself After searching all these years And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be I was lost when you found me here And I was broken beyond repair Then you came along and you sang your song over me
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time For the very first time In my life
Make a promise to me now Reassure my heart somehow That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything I’ve a feeling in my soul And I pray that I’m not wrong That the life I have now, it is only the beginning
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time For the very first time It feels like I’m breathing It feels like I’m moving For the very first time For the very first time
I wasn’t looking for something that was more Than what I had yesterday Then you came to me and you gave to me Life and a love that I’ve never known That I’ve never felt before
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time I’m living for the first time It feels like I’m breathing It feels like I’m moving For the very first time I’m living for the first time In my life
This night, the night of celebration of Christ’s birth, just know that wherever you are and however you feel, the Father’s love is with you.
MY HOPE IS YOU by THIRD DAY To You, O Lord, I lift my soul In You, O God, I place my trust Do not let me be put to shame Nor let my enemies triumph over me
My hope is You Show me Your ways Guide me in truth In all my days My hope is You
I am, O Lord, filled with Your love You are, O God, my salvation Guard my life and rescue me My broken spirit shouts My mended heart cries out
I guess sometimes you just have to pack things away and say goodbye to them, there was a day in my life where I had to do that, if I was ever going to break the chains that alcohol had gripped me with, then I had to start breaking them one by one.
It started the day when I met with Gareth, the day before had been the lowest day of my life, I had been face to face with the mirror, telling myself the world would better off if I was dead, God had broken that cycle of thought and even though I still drank that evening, there was a feeling of hope and optimism.
The next morning I called Gareth, we met later that evening and things began to change, they prayed for me that evening and for the first time I felt I was ready to accept God.
The evening before I had quite finished the second bottle of wine, I had had five pints of strong cider at the pub, picked up two bottles of wine on the way home and started on them as soon as I got in.
Usually if I fall asleep part way through a bottle, I would wake up and then finish it, even if it was 6.30am and I started work an hour later, I could easily drown half a bottle and get ready for work, still nobody suspected a thing. I had also become good at falling asleep with an open bottle of wine in my hand, note I never used glasses at home, I drank straight from the bottle, but I could fall asleep with a bottle in my hand and wake still holding tightly and not a drop being spilt either, I could even do it with full cans too.
Before my meeting with Gareth, I came back from work and Victoria was just getting ready to go out, she asked me the question she always asked if she was going out….
“Do you need to go to the shop?”
Essentially asking if I needed to go and buy alcohol, I was horrified! Normally I would say yes, grab what money I could find and head off to the shop, but this evening I knew there was no way I could drink in front of these two people, how could she think I would need to. I guess she though I would need it afterwards, but in my mind I knew this would be the start of the fight back.
I mentioned the fact to Gareth and Alex, that I had just under half a bottle of wine left and I may or may not drink it when they had gone. But really when they entered my house, so did an element of protection, they opened the door to God in my life and he walked in and threw His protection all over me. When they had gone, I had no inclination to drink from that bottle, it stayed where I had placed it earlier that day, on top of the fridge. There was a peace of sorts now upon me and drinking that bottle never crossed my mind, neither did the thought of going out to buy more.
That bottle stayed where I had placed it that morning for the next six days, I hatched a plan for it and that part of my life that it represented. Each day I walked passed the bottle, I looked up at it, but I would point a finger at it and talk to it. Each time I walked by I would tell it that it couldn’t have me, it wasn’t going to win, I wasn’t giving in to it anymore, victory would be mine and it was part of my plan to turn my life around.
Although as that week went by, I was still drinking, I would still have a drink a the pub after teaching, I was getting control back, I would only have two pints and then go, I wouldn’t try to persuade anyone to drink with me or stay a little longer, even though they didn’t want to, I would just get up and leave. And that Sunday, as low as it was, was the last time any alcohol was ever brought into this house.
So come the following Sunday I put my plan into action, in my mind I wasn’t ready to go to Church yet, I was still drinking and I still had things I had to sort out. I was praying each day by now, simply asking for strength to get though each day. Each day I was trying to make changes in my life, changes for the better, starting to look after myself, no longer was I the unshaven, unkept and an unclean shadow of my former self that I had let myself become, I was turning things around.
So that morning I walked into town and brought the biggest plastic storage box I could, together with new bedding. When I got home I took all my old bedding and the old pillows and placed them in the bottom of this new box. Each night all I could smell on them was the stale odour of sweat and alcohol, I needed to lay my head on something clean, so now I had new bedding, that smelt new and not like the old me.
Then I took all the old clothes which I would lounge about the house in, all the socks and underwear that were torn and worn out, the clothes that reminded me of the unkept wretch I had faced in the mirror just the Sunday before. I even put in my watch, the fabric strap had the same stale smell to it, I had to be rid of it.
By now the box was pretty full, there was just enough room for one more thing, so I went into the kitchen and took down the bottle from the fridge and placed it on top of everything else. I closed the box, took a marker pen and wrote on the side of the box…
“I don’t need these anymore, to be put in the cellar with rest of the rubbish. This is where the healing begins. Wayne Sunday 25th March 2012″
The Forgotten Box
This was one of those moments where something inside told me to do this, a sort of cleansing from my life of all that reminded me of the person I had become, but desperately didn’t want to be anymore. That guy died in front of that mirror the week before, the guy that was placing these items in that box was a new being, he was fighting, he hadn’t given in.
It would be another four days until I finally took that last drink and then the following Sunday I walked into Church, it had been an eventful two weeks, but one that was full of God, from the moment He spoke to me in my hopelessness in front of the mirror, to now being in Church and God making me feel like I was home.
BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY & LACEY STURM Today I found myself After searching all these years And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be I was lost when you found me here And I was broken beyond repair Then you came along and you sang your song over me
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time For the very first time In my life
Make a promise to me now Reassure my heart somehow That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything I’ve a feeling in my soul And I pray that I’m not wrong That the life I have now, it is only the beginning
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time For the very first time It feels like I’m breathing It feels like I’m moving For the very first time For the very first time
I wasn’t looking for something that was more Than what I had yesterday Then you came to me and you gave to me Life and a love that I’ve never known That I’ve never felt before
It feels like I’m born again It feels like I’m living For the very first time I’m living for the first time It feels like I’m breathing It feels like I’m moving For the very first time I’m living for the first time In my life
The Bottom of a Bottle 