Tag Archives: Weakness

Weakness Or Strength

I had a situation yesterday or should I say conversation at work that I’ve faced twice before, in the conversation with one of my colleagues the subject of drinking came up and for the third time she called me weak for being an alcoholic.

The first time I was absolutely livid, in fairness at the time I was descending into a depression and I was so angry that they just didn’t understand how hard the fight is, I guess you can try and explain things as hard as you like sometimes, but if they’ve not been in that situation, they will never truly understand.

The second time I was mad, but I just laughed it off and responded with an “if you like” sort of comment, I was annoyed but certainly not as angry as the first time.

So fast forward on a couple of years to yesterday and my attitude to the statement was completely different.  Yes I did laugh it off, but it was because I was content to know this:

I know the weakness is in succumbing
The real strength is in OVERCOMING!

As I say sometimes you just can’t get over the state of mind, that as a person, I was in when I had no control over my drinking.  You can’t explain the nights you tried not to drink, how you would pace the house scratching the skin from your arms in frustration.  Or the times I worked out how much drink I could afford with the money coming in, rather than paying any bills or the times I took my children’s birthday and Christmas money, never to be replaced, as I drank it all away, how can anyone understand how that feels, unless of course you’ve been there.

2 Corinthians 12:10

2 Corinthians 12:10

I have this image of 2 Corinthians 12:10 printed on canvas and hanging over me on my wall as I sleep and I’ve come to realise and understand that it’s His strength that sees me through each day, His strength that makes me overcome when I struggle.  No one ever said recovery was easy, nobody said sobriety would solve all my problems, but it does make things clearer and makes me face those problems and overcome them, rather than hide away, but not of this would be possible without His grace.

I also had another one of those drinking dreams this week, slightly different this one, usually I don’t see myself drinking in the dream, I just believe I have and the guilt of the situation wakes me up with a jolt and I struggle for a few moments to work out the truth of the situation or whether it’s a dream or reality.  I have to scan the room, just to make sure there are no empty bottles or cans, it’s a tough dream to take, but come the sunrise you know it was a dream and has all gone away.  This week’s dream was a little different, I actually remember drinking in the dream, remember taking a few mouthfuls of wine and enjoying it, then suddenly realising what I was doing as I took another mouthful and then spitting it out, then the guilt takes control of the situation, I woke up again at that point with the same feeling of guilt, but managed to brush this one off a little quicker, again when the sun rises, all that guilt has disappeared, it just takes a bit of getting back to sleep.

I hate those dreams, but I guess they are part and parcel of the recovery process.  One thing that is hard to get over is the guilt of past actions, like taking my kids money, it’s not something you really forgive yourself for, I have I suppose come to terms with it, but I guess all that guilt comes out in those dreams.  Luckily I don’t have to put up with them too often.  Those thoughts of guilt are little more preminent this week also as my son turned 14 this past Wednesday, obviously at his age he get’s mostly money, so seeing that all those memories flood back on the wave of those guilt dreams.  But in the end that was the old me, the one that died on the 29th March 2012, not the guy that woke up sober on the 30th, that guy died to his old self and was made new by the grace of God.

I’ve been overcoming my addiction now for over 180 weeks, each day is still a celebration, a celebration of my sobriety and God’s power in my life.  So with His grace and strength, I’ll keep overcoming and counting those days.

LOVE SONG by JONATHAN DAVID & MELISSA HELSER
I can hear a love song
All around me, when the wind blows
I can hear Your voice speak
It surrounds me, when the leaves move

I’m just dust without Your breath
I’m just clay without Your kiss
I’m just skin and bones without Your wind in my lungs

I can hear a love song
In everything, You’re singing
I can hear Your heartbeat
Flowing through me, You’re inside me

I’m just dust without Your breath
I’m just clay without Your kiss
I’m just skin and bones without Your wind in my lungs

[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]

I can hear a love song
All around me, when the wind blows
I can hear Your voice speak
It surrounds me, when the leaves move

I’m just dust without Your breath
I’m just clay without Your kiss
I’m just skin and bones without Your wind in my lungs

[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]

[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]

I’m just dust without Your breath
I’m just clay without Your kiss
I’m just skin and bones without Your wind in my lungs

Verse of the Day – 2 Corinthians 12:10

2 Corinthians 12:10

2 Corinthians 12:10

For some call me weak for suffering my alcohol addiction, yet in this weakness He gives me the strength to resist and fight the temptation.

STRONG IN US by JEREMY RIDDLE & KALLEY HEILIGENTHAL
Our God is strong in us
His love has overcome
He is alive in us
He is the risen one
The same power that raised Him up
Is the power that lives in us
Our God is strong in us
Our God is strong in us

When darkness rises all around us
We will see His glory
Breaking through the night
The King in all His wonder
Fills us with His power
Christ in us the answer
A hope for all the world

Our God is strong in us
His love has overcome
He is alive in us
He is the risen one
The same power that raised Him up
Is the power that lives in us
Our God is strong in us
Our God is strong in us

His promise stands throughout the ages
He will never leave us
We are not alone
Greater than our weakness
He is strong to save us
We will stand victorious
A hope for all the world

Lift Him up, let the whole world see
We will never stop singing
Lift Him up, let the whole world hear
We will never stop shouting
Lift Him up, every voice in praise
Everyone lift Him up, lift Him up

It’s Okay

IT’S OKAY

Hello my child
I can see your heart
And I feel this is something
That I have to say
I need you to know
It’s okay not to feel okay

It’s okay
To be afraid of fear
There’s no shame
In the fear of being afraid
As when you’re frightened
I’ll be there holding tight

It’s okay
To feel alone in the dark
It’s alright to feel
Like you just don’t fit
Or that your life feels empty
I’ll be there to fill your heart

It’s okay
To feel that you are weak
There’s no shame in feeling that way
Or when you’re tired and weary
And you just can’t go on
I’ll be the one to carry you

It’s okay
It doesn’t matter to me
How far you fall
Or where you hide
Just lean on me my child
As I’ll be always by your side

My Prayer

My Prayer

How could I come so far
Yet feel I’ve traveled so little
I know You’re with me Lord
But I’m feeling so empty inside
Like a cup poured out upon the floor
In desperate need of filling up

This pain is breaking me down
My mind it holds me prisoner
I know You can ease the hurting
So why am I feeling so broken Lord?
Like a heart that’s been smashed
Into a million tiny & fragile pieces

I’ve been worn down by this time
I can barely stand again to fight
You’ve given me strength from the first day
Only I’m feeling so very tired
Like a distant star that’s lost it’s shine

I have so much support around me
Great people there to hold me up
I’m standing at centre of their love
So how do I feel so very alone
Like driftwood floating between homes

I’m barely holding on to my spirit
Clutching at the hope You hold
But the embers internal are slowly fading
I just need to find the breakthrough
Just a tiny spark to ignite the fire

Is it that my mind is winning
The voice inside overcomes the heart
Eroding my patience, testing resolve
Give me patience for Your promise
Just a sign to illuminate the way

I feel so small, yet You make me great
I feel so low, yet You let me fly
I feel so weak, yet You give me strength
I’ve lost my way, yet You show the way
I feel so isolated, yet You hold me in Your Kingdom

I need You Lord, I need You Lord