Tag Archives: What If I Made A Mistake?

Words: Heard & Unheard

Sometimes the words we need to hear are said but not heard, I spent so much time hearing the Truth, but stuck in the seemingly never ending circle of an addiction you never seem to take things in, you carry this “I’m alright, it’s everybody else” attitude, you believe they are the ones with the problem and really you just wish they would go away, leave you alone.

For me these words were not just coming from those close to me, but also in the form or music, it’s no secret that music has formed a large part of my everyday life, it’s very rare I go anywhere without my headphones on.

About eighteen months before I began to really struggle, I started listening to Christian artists, I’m not sure why or how, but I liked the music and actually began to gravitate towards that as opposed to secular music, but still I never heard the messages within the words, the Truth still passed me by.

Now I rarely listen to anything other than Christian artists.  I have certain songs that I listen to if I feeling a certain way, some songs to match a mood or simply for inspiration.

Since New Year when I put together a number of bible verses to go with the empty wine bottles that remained in my cellar, I’ve been choosing a verse each day, dependant on how I feel, I search for something to go with my feelings, whether I need inspiration, strength or for gratitude and praise, I search for a verse and place it onto one of the photo’s I’ve taken over the last year, then of course I add a song to the post and a brief thought to go with the verse.  All of these images with verse I have saved in a folder on my laptop.  A while back I set my screen saver to scroll through these images.

Now from time to time I find myself just looking at the laptop as the screen saver scrolls through the numerous verses, there is nearly always one that pops up that gives me a lift, that bit of inspiration, simply put it must be the best screen saver ever!

I try not to let these words pass me by anymore, I spent too much time letting the Truth just breeze by, rather than stop, listen and take it.

WHAT IF I MADE A MISTAKE? by STEPHANIE SMITH
There’s a gentle guiding in my gut
It shows me the way out when I’m in a rut
This time it led me to my knees
Instead I chose to do as I please
Now I think it is too late

What if I made a mistake?
What if I heard you but I ignored you
How many tries will it take?
What if I made a mistake?

Oh the steady burning in my heart
It gave me direction right from the start
This time I took the long way around
Until I found myself face on the ground
I guess it is never too late

What if I made a mistake?
What if I heard you but I ignored you
How many tries will it take?
What if I made a mistake?

It’s real relentless and it won’t let me go
I can’t fight this, this dirt on my soul
It’s relentless and it won’t let me go
I can’t fight this, this dirt on my soul

What if I made a mistake?
What if I heard you but I ignored you
How many tries will it take?
What if I made a mistake? 

What if I made a mistake?
What if I made a mistake?
What if I made a mistake?

What if I made a mistake?

What If I Made A Mistake?

I am going to start this with a bit of change here to my usual format, I’ve placed my song at the top of this post, rather than the bottom, this whole post is based on my feelings for the words of the song, so hopefully you will listen before or even whilst reading the rest of the post. I wrote this post a few months back, but couldn’t find a video for the song, but after last nights break through in the making of lyrics videos, I have created one for it.

There’s a gentle guiding in my gut
It shows me the way out when I’m in a rut
This time it led me to my knees
Instead I chose to do as I please
Now I think it is too late

What if I made a mistake?
What if I heard you but I ignored you
How many tries will it take?
What if I made a mistake?

Oh the steady burning in my heart
It gave me direction right from the start
This time I took the long way around
Until I found myself face on the ground
I guess it is never too late

What if I made a mistake?
What if I heard you but I ignored you
How many tries will it take?
What if I made a mistake?

It’s real relentless and it won’t let me go
I can’t fight this, this dirt on my soul
It’s relentless and it won’t let me go
I can’t fight this, this dirt on my soul

What if I made a mistake?
What if I heard you but I ignored you
How many tries will it take?
What if I made a mistake?

What if I made a mistake?
What if I made a mistake?
What if I made a mistake?

What if I made a mistake?
(What If I Made A Mistake? by Stephanie Smith)

To those who have followed my Blog from the beginning, it should be quite clear by now that music is a big part of my life, it always has been, going back over twenty years I have had almost constant music in my life, headphones on whilst walking or the radio on whilst working, music has been a major part of my life. But my journey into Christian music started well before I tried to fall of the face of the earth. Back in 2008 I happened across a number of Christian bands, I would often look through music websites for other artists with similar music to the rock bands I was listening to at the time, I happen across a couple of Christian bands and I found I liked the music even if I wasn’t really into the subject matter, I just like good music and most of this was good music, from there I found more and more artists I liked and added their music to my iPod.

I was listening to this Christian music alongside my other rock music and even singing along, but it was clear I wasn’t actually hearing the words, I never embraced the message that most of these songs held within them, I just sang along.

There were messages in many of the songs and I know now that I was supposed to find this music, but it wasn’t just messages through music I was getting and ignoring, there were messages in my life, people I would meet, like all the people from Church I met who now support me, there were comments by friends, even comments from my own two lips, there were so many messages, but I was too deep down in my own self pity that I just couldn’t hear, I just didn’t want to know, I never had a problem in my eyes, I knew I had to sort a few things out, but I believed I could stop drinking at any time, even if it meant I had to endure broken sleep and bad dreams, I could sort this all out at anytime I wanted, I simply just didn’t want to or rather I was incapable of doing so.

It really is no use telling an alcoholic they are drinking too much, my partner tried, but my response quietly behind my breath was “you don’t know how I feel, you’re not walking in my shoes, you don’t know, I can stop drinking anytime, I’ll show you!”. Then how did I show her, I shot off round the corner to the shop and indulged in even more drinking, that showed her didn’t it, good one!

I shut myself off to every message, I can see them all now when I look back, I shut off until I came to that crossroads on 18th March 2012, to end it or change it! Well as you know I changed it, big time, I had no choice but to listen this time, I swallowed all my beliefs and approached God for help.

The first time I heard this song after my change of direction, I was struck down by the lyrics;

“What if I made a mistake?
What if I heard you but I ignored you?
How many tries will it take?
What if I made a mistake?”

I suddenly realised I had made a mistake, many in fact, not small mistakes, massive ones. I heard Him, He put all these things in front of me, gave me music to listen to, new friends that would later become crutches in my recovery and the love of a partner I spurned for the supposed comfort of a bottle.

I know now I heard all those messages, but I ignored them all, I carried on with my self destruction, there were many tries, but I made many mistakes!

I guess I got there in the end, I heard the biggest message of all, that day, the 18th March 2012, you can’t get a bigger message, that message, that moment when he whispered in my ear whilst holding my wrists.

I know that day he protected my left wrist, whilst he held my right wrist to move the blade away, then gently whispered in my ear;

“You can’t do this, you know it will be one of your children that finds you,
you can’t let them live with that.”

I heard that message that day, this time I didn’t ignore it, I heard it loud and clear, I had to change it all, I had to get up, clean myself up and sort my life out. The next day started with a phone call that would change everything, a phone call that would start a rollercoaster ride that will hopefully never end.

I can’t put everything that I’ve done right, I can’t repair every heart I’ve broken, but I am trying to make amends, I’m trying to put as much right as I possibly can, but it will take a long, long time to heal some wounds, but I’m on this journey for the long haul now, I listening now, I’m hearing now, I’m no longer ignoring!

I know now that Jesus chose to give up his life on the cross
So I didn’t have to give up mine!