Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
Jonah has been dragged to the depths within the whale, but still He called out to the Lord and praised Him, the Lord responded by bringing Jonah to dry land.
How often when we feel we are being dragged down, do we complain to the Lord, rather than praised Him?
PRAISED (BE LIFTED HIGH) by BETHEL MUSIC I sing praises to Your name Praise to Your name The name that’s so much higher than all names
All honor to Your name All honor to Your name The name that’s so much greater than all names
Be lifted up Be lifted higher Be lifted up Be lifted higher
I sing praises to Your name Praise to Your name The name that’s so much higher than all names
All honor to Your name All honor to Your name The name that’s so much greater than all names
Be lifted up Be lifted higher Be lifted up Be lifted higher
Your name is life Your name is hope inside me, hope inside me Your name is love A love that always finds me, always finds me
Be lifted up Be lifted higher Be lifted up Be lifted higher
His name should be put higher than any other, maybe sometimes I place others before Him, yet still He has compassion for me, despite my failings.
PRAISES (BE LIFTED UP) by KALLEY HEILIGENTHAL & WILLIAM MATTHEWS I sing praises to Your name Praise to Your name The name that’s so much higher than all names
All honor to Your name All honor to Your name The name that’s so much greater than all names
Be lifted up Be lifted higher Be lifted up Be lifted higher
I sing praises to Your name Praise to Your name The name that’s so much higher than all names
All honor to Your name All honor to Your name The name that’s so much greater than all names
Be lifted up Be lifted higher Be lifted up Be lifted higher
Your name is life Your name is hope inside me, hope inside me Your name is love A love that always finds me, always finds me
Be lifted up Be lifted higher Be lifted up Be lifted higher
It’s hard to believe this journey, hard to believe that this evening I’ve had 1500 reasons to praise and thank God. From those dark days of mid March 2012, when everything around me was collapsing in on itself and I finally realised that I had no control anymore, the alcohol had control over me.
I couldn’t say no anymore, even if I tried, to some it may seem like a cowards way to give in, but when you’re there in the middle of the fight, trying to resist, but just not able to, you know that it’s not being a coward, it’s being a prisoner of addiction. I still remember crying out I’m sorry as the tears fell, each time I left the house to go buy more alcohol, I tried not to, but I just couldn’t hold back the tide of addiction, I was useless to resist.
By that time I wasn’t even eating, I couldn’t eat, everything tasted like cardboard, I just survived by drinking, I was heading for oblivion. Darkness and the bottle were my only friends.
As that dark week dragged on I found myself on the edge, I wanted to end it all, but couldn’t.
Come Monday 19th March 2012, things began to change, there was a conscious choice to start fighting back, I rang Gareth, the Pastor at our local Church, met with him and made the choice to change everything. In the ten days between that meeting and that last drink on Thursday 29th March 2012, I began praying for the first time in my life, reduced my drinking, stopped bringing alcohol into the house and started to sort myself out.
On that evening of 29th March, I made the declaration that I would never drink again if I didn’t like the taste of my first drink that night, it tasted awful, the worst drink I’ve ever had, I finished it, but since that night I have never drunk a single drop of alcohol again.
I’m in the happy place now that drinking is the furthest from my thoughts. Now it makes my angry when I see relentless alcohol adverts on TV, the though of being in a pub is hard to deal with, though with the right people I can go into a pub and enjoy a Pepsi, at times when I’m in a shop and see all the alcohol close to the checkout, I often feel like smashing every bottle.
This ride isn’t easy, life still has it’s good days and some really bad days, but each night I can be thankful to God that I am still sober and still free from those chains.
Life may not be perfect or the way I want it, but I’m still alive, deep inside I still believe that had God not saved me from myself, I would not have lived beyond 2012, for that I am truly thankful.
I can’t thank everyone enough for the support I have received in those 1500, to everyone I have met at Everyday Champions Church, who have been by my side all the way through and also everyone who has took the time to read this blog, to comment and encourage or have simply liked one of my posts, I thank you all.
PRAISES BE LIFTED UP by KALLEY HEILIGENTHAL I sing praises to Your name Praises to Your name The name that’s so much higher than all names
All honor to Your name All honor to Your name The name that’s so much greater than all names
Chorus: Be lifted up Be lifted higher Be lifted up Be lifted higher
Bridge: Your name is life Your name is Hope inside me Hope inside me Your name is love A love that always finds me always finds me
It’s hard to believe that I actually started this blog two years ago today, well I started writing in preparation a week or so before, but I didn’t actually have the nerve to go live with my story. I had looked at various blogging sites and searched on tips for blogging, I had written a number of posts which would form most of my early uploads, yet I sat on it all, hiding what it was I had to say to the world.
Then on the morning of Saturday 6th October 2012, I went for a walk, it was a normal Newark morning for October, cold and wet, nothing out of the ordinary, just another Saturday morning. As always I walked with my iPod on, playing songs that I had heard many times before, then a song came on that changed everything, the lines of that song are the words in the banner at the top of this page, those words reduced me to tears and I felt I knew what I had to do, to take a leap of that precipice and tell my story, all the inner most thoughts, the embarrassing and shameful parts, everything, warts and all.
Since that Saturday evening when I posted that first post and about me page, I’ve added 950 posts including this one, in addition using 496 different songs by 142 different artists, not to mention hundreds of photos of sunrises, sunsets, Bible Verses and other random stuff.
I had never really written anything before starting this blog, I had started a journal earlier in the year, just a matter of days before I became sober, when I read back some of the entries I had written I actually surprised myself, obviously I further surprised myself when I started writing the numerous blog posts over the last two years.
One of the biggest surprises has been the fact I’ve posted 145 poems in that time also. I hated poetry writing at school, I don’t think I had written a poem in almost 30 years when I tried my hand at a few poems. I actually now dislike some of my early attempts, I feel back then I was trying to force out words just for the sake of it, rather now I only write poems when I have a strong feeling that the words are something more than my own thoughts. Sometimes, I have to sit on them for a while, wait, think and pray on them before I decide to form a verse with them, but I have to say, I now longer doubt myself when I post my poems, not like I did in the early days, back then I was apprehensive about them, but not anymore. Having said that, I don’t dislike all my early poems, there are a couple of my earliest that are among my favourites, but as I’ve said before there were many of those early ones I never really connected with, now I connect with them all.
It’s been a long journey over the last two years, with some ups and downs, but I have to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my posts, to like them and to comment on them. I am especially thankful for every comment I get, I know I may not respond to them all, but believe me, I read them all and I’m extremely grateful for everyone of them, many have given me hope when times have been dark and kept me going with my writing when I was close to giving up, once again I thank you all.
I’m not sure what the next twelve months will bring for me and this blog, but for now I will keep writing and sharing my journey with you all.
But I guess the biggest shout of thanks should be sang to The Father, He has given me this story to share, He inspires my words and when I feel the most vulnerable He gives me the confidence to share.
SOVEREIGN LORD by KALLEY HEILIGENTHAL & WILLIAM MATTHEWS Though I walk through the midst of my troubles You fulfill your purpose in me I lift my head from the dirt to see those eyes I feel a peace in the wind to my surprise
You are sovereign Lord and I bless you You are perfect in nature
In the midst of the struggle it’s sometimes hard to find a voice of praise, too many times do I cry out why me or when Lord, when?
SOVEREIGN LORD by KALLEY HEILIGENTHAL & WILLIAM MATTHEWS Though I walk through the midst of my troubles You fulfill your purpose in me I lift my head from the dirt to see those eyes I feel a peace in the wind to my surprise
You are sovereign Lord and I bless you You are perfect in nature
The Bottom of a Bottle 