Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
I find it so easy to lose heart at times, yet only last week the word I received was toil, sometimes I guess we just have to keep working hard, we may not know why or what for, but just keep working and we will reap the benefits in the end.
MY HOPE by REVIVE What have we lost in the name of progress? What have we gained in the wake of our success? I don’t want to live like this, how can we live like this?
What have we done that will be remembered? What have we built that is everlasting? I don’t want to live like this, how can we live like this?
Kings will fall down, cities will crumble My hope is found in you Breath will fail us, time will leave us My hope is found in you
Where will we go when the day is ending? What will we hold when it all comes to an end? I don’t want to live like this, how can we live like this?
Kings will fall down, cities will crumble My hope is found in You Breath will fail us, time will leave us My hope is found in You, in you My hope is found in You
This is the chance to make it This is the chance to make it I’m gonna stand with You alone
Kings will fall down, cities will crumble My hope is found in You Breath will fail us, time will leave us My hope is found in you, in You alone, You alone
It’s been a bit of a long week, at work it has been stock take time, which meant alot of preparation work and a few extra hours throughout the week, plus working late through my usual Friday afternoon off, as well as an early start on Saturday morning, working through until late afternoon, rather than just the normal half day.
It falls on me to do most of the preparation work, along with my manager, there were times when it felt like I was the only one working, as I dashed around making sure everything was where it was supposed to be and the paperwork all in order. Each time I went back into the shop it seemed like everyone else was just stood around, chatting, laughing and joking, whilst I faced a deadline to get everything done so all the reports and stock sheets could be run.
There were a few times where I felt extremely miffed about seeming as though I was the only one putting in the effort, just so I could make everyone else’s job easier when it came to counting, the more work I did the less they would have to. But I guess that’s my job and that’s why I am entrusted with it, because I do everything I can to get it done to the best of my ability.
The end line is that everything went pretty smoothly on Saturday, when the actual count took place, I say smoothly, the count went fine, now it’s just a few days of running around checking all the discrepancies and working out how much stock we have actually lost through theft and believe me, we have already lost more this year than any other year.
On the bright side though, we actually got a bonus this month, it’s my first since I joined the company just under three years ago, this time they didn’t change the goalposts at the last moment and we got the full amount available.
It’s funny but over the last week, I kept coming back to the opening lines of the poem I wrote yesterday, those lines regarding the raft at the stream. I kept thinking about them over the week, yet it was only yesterday that I sat during worship practice at Church and put my thoughts into my iPhone and then uploaded them later in the day.
I guess part of me felt my feet were walking in a direction I really didn’t want to go, those moments of anger and resentment, sometimes I just wish I had that faith to step onto that raft and let the waters take me where ever they will, to be guided in the right way, rather than go my own way.
HEAVEN’S SONG by BETHEL MUSIC We have come, as one heart As one voice, to join Heaven’s Endless song on the earth Lifting up our adoration Towards Your throne, praises rise Songs of love are now ascending For the King, for the Lamb Who gave His life to save us
Holy, Holy, Holy All of Heaven cries Worthy, Worthy, Worthy For You were crucified [the] living creatures call out [and] all the elders fall down
A sacrifice of living praise We bring our all for You have beckoned Us into a holy place A holy love, Your very presence [and] now we stand [in] wondrous awe A glory cry we raise to Heaven With holy hands and lifted hearts [our] eyes upon our Savior
Holy, Holy, Holy All of Heaven cries Worthy, Worthy, Worthy For You were crucified [the] living creatures call out [and] all the elders fall down
[they] fall down and worship [they] worship, we worship [we worship, we called in worship] [we call to worship]
[we sing out] Holy, Holy, God most Holy Worthy to receive all glory Heaven’s shouting as we glorify
[we sing out] Holy, Holy, God most Holy
Worthy to receive all glory
Heaven’s shouting as we glorify
Yesterday I had one of those moments when I let fear become greater than my faith, I became angry with God in a way. Then last night when I was praying, I heard the word TOIL, as though I was being instructed to keep working hard, in time I will reap the benefits of my toil.
EVEN IF by KUTLESS Sometimes all we have to hold on to Is what we know is true of who You are So when the heartache hits like a hurricane That could never change who You are And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn’t come And life falls apart And dreams are still undone You are God You are good Forever faithful One Even if the healing Even if the healing doesn’t come
Lord we know Your ways are not our ways So we set our faith in who You are Even though You reign high above us You tenderly love us We know Your heart And we rest in who You are
Even if the healing doesn’t come And life falls apart And dreams are still undone You are God You are good Forever faithful One Even if the healing Even if the healing doesn’t come
You’re still the Great and Mighty One We trust You always You’re working all things for our good We’ll sing your praise
Even if the healing doesn’t come And life falls apart And dreams are still undone You are God You are good Forever faithful One Even if the healing Even if the healing doesn’t come
You are God and we will bless You As the Good and Faithful One You are God and we will bless You Even if the healing doesn’t come Even if the healing doesn’t come
I don’t usually like ranting posts, but at the moment I just feel like letting off steam.
Earlier on this afternoon, I skipped karate to complete some work for the Architects, a couple of hours on a few amendments to project I’ve been working on for the last couple of weeks. I finalised them at teatime and emailed them off, job done, the rest of the night is mine to relax before work tomorrow, especially after a long day yesterday down in Crawley.
That was the plan until the phone rang just before 9.30pm, the Architect, running though a few things they wanted to change, okay, I make a list and prepare to do them tomorrow evening, until I’m then told it has to be this evening, they have a meeting with the Client in the morning!!!
I guess I didn’t have much choice, I’ve made the changes and e-mailed them off just after 10.30pm, it would have been quicker but to add insult to injury, my laptop crashed in the middle of the amendments, at first I thought I had lost everything, I was panicking, but I managed to get everything back, to my great relief.
What get’s to me most is that I seem to be between a rock and hard place with this, they owe me money for the last eight months, I haven’t been paid for any work I’ve done since October last year. I’m in that place that if I don’t complete the work I risk getting nothing, but if I do, it just seems to just drag on. I don’t mind doing the work, I just get ticked off when I’m expected to just drop everything and pander to their grovelling, yet all the while there is more and more of a bill outstanding, needless to say at this moment I am in need of letting of some steam.
It all seems to add to the stress, we still struggle for money every month and since I have been on these anti-depressants I am just so tired most of the time. I do my best to keep everything under control, to keep God at the centre of everything, but the chaos of my past and everything that goes with it can be so hard to deal with.
For now I’m going to grab my Bible, read for a while and find some peace!
At time’s like these, I quite often seek out this song, it’s been a great source of comfort to me so many times.
BE STILL by STORYSIDE:B I remember all the times The good times and the bad I’m still holding on to You
Some days I wanna run Sometimes I come undone But I still belong to You
And thats how I know that
When I feel like caving in My heart, my soul is wearing thin I just wanna give up And nothing seems at all to add up
Can You hear me, Lord? My face is down upon the floor Its then You whisper in my ear Be still and know I’m here
I see a side of You, my friend Same struggles that I have And my heart goes out to You
I know its hard to feel alone And this world’s so unforgiving I’ve been feeling that way too
But I can tell You
When I feel like caving in My heart, my soul is wearing thin I just wanna give up And nothing seems at all to add up
Can You hear me, Lord? My face is down upon the floor Its then You whisper in my ear Be still and know I’m here
Is that You? Is this me? It’s sometimes hard to believe that I am not alone
Its not just You And not just me We all need to believe that We are not alone
When I feel like caving in My heart, my soul are wearing thin I just want to give up And nothing seems at all to add up
I know You hear me, Lord? When my face is down upon the floor Its then You whisper in my ear Be still and know I’m here (We are not alone)
Be still and know I’m here (We are not alone) Be still and know I’m here (We are not alone)
Be still and know I’m here (We are not alone) Be still and know I’m here (We are not alone)
Be still and know I’m here (We are not alone) Be still and know I’m here (We are not alone)
We have a new colleague at work, he tends to sleep a lot, he’s not very well toilet trained, but the ladies love him!
Hello, I’m Austin
Busy Working
Austin is my boss’s new spring spaniel puppy, he comes in for a few hours a day, sleeps a bit, runs about a bit and gets a lot of fuss.
I asked for a bit of help around the shop, this wasn’t quite what I wanted!
ALWAYS by SWITCHFOOT This is the start this is your heart this is the day you were born this is the sun these are your lungs this is the day you were born
And I am always yours
These are the scars deep in your heart this is the place you were born this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out from the places you’ve been torn
And it is always yours but I am always yours
Hallelujah! I’m caving in hallelujah! I’m in love again hallelujah! I’m a wretched man hallelujah! every breath is a second chance
Sometimes you think things can’t get much weirder, this morning as I neared the entrance to my work I was passed by a young woman jogging, dressed as a bumblebee, not the sort of thing you see every morning in Newark, I mean, we have some weirdos but a jogging bumblebee! I can only assume there was some sort of fun run organised for Sport Relief, otherwise, I really don’t know!
Friday afternoons I teach a couple of karate classes for the Sport Centre, the first class is for four to six year olds, which can be interesting at the best of times, today was one of those days. We have recently managed recruited a young boy, who has a zero attention span, you need to pairs of eyes on him all the time, which means either me or my fellow instructor spend most of the lesson trying to keep him in check.
Today that seemed almost impossible, the class bordered on chaos, we managed to keep it together, but we were well relieved when it ended. It’s saying something when the kid that usually causes us the most problems, is getting annoyed at this other kid for not doing anything remotely like what we were asking him to do!
The only problem is that when that class finishes we have the next group straight away, one group leaves and the other starts, not even a minute to regroup! The second class wasn’t as bad, they are older and far more interested in learning, but it still has it’s moments!
Oh well, we’ve got a week to recover and then the madness starts again!
THE FIGHT by THE ROCKET SUMMER It’s silent tonight I’m trying to wrap my head around If everything will be alright And how you didn’t have to do it now
And I don’t know how you managed to sleep with knowing that you abandoned me at the worst time but I will
Fight the fight and keep defying I’d give up, but I keep trying To fight the fight, it’s in my wiring this is how you made me To fight the fight and keep on fightin’ I’d give up, but I’d be lying to me
Faith, welcome back it’s been awhile since we hung out have you come to get me back on track? you know they didn’t have to do this now
But I don’t have no Time to waste for me now About how they abandoned me at the worst time
So I will Fight the fight and Keep defying I’d give up, but I keep trying To fight the fight, It’s in my wiring this is how you made me To fight the fight And keep on fightin’ I’d give up, but I’d be lying to me
What would I do now if you weren’t here to pull me out? What would I do now If I didn’t have my friends? What would I do now If you weren’t here
And as the trouble chases me Bring me guidance Be with me to
Fight the fight and Keep defying I’d give up, but I keep trying To fight the fight It’s in my wiring This is how you made me To fight the fight And keep on fightin’ I’d give up, but I’d be lying to me
I’d give up, but I’d be lying So fight the fight and keep defying I’d give up, but I’d be lying to me I’d give up, but I’d be lying to me I’d give up, but I’d be lying to me
You really do know it’s going to be one of those days, when on the way to work you find something along the path which really shouldn’t be there.
Okay so it actually started just fine, although I had missed the early sun rise, the view at the lake was pleasant enough, especially after a number of fog filled mornings which marred last week. But after pausing to take a few photo at the lake, I returned to the path to walk the last few hundred yards to work, that’s when I found something that definitely shouldn’t have been where it was.
Ahead of me I saw a couple of friends that I’ve made over the last year who as they do each morning, walk their dogs along the cycle path I walk, but they were hovering and looking at something I couldn’t quite make out until I got closer. It turned out to be a pile of brand new fence panels, which had been left on the grass verge of the path, panels taken from our yard over the weekend and just left there.
I called work, reported it and my Boss walked over to the fence which was just yards from where the panels were to see for himself. So from there the investigation started, my friends had actually apprehended two young lads weeks earlier carrying similar panels, which these lads claimed to have found further down the path, at that time they called the Police, who came and questioned the lads. The Police turned up a work a number of weeks later, by that time we had lost more stock and since that time it seems they have been back a few times, including it seems this weekend.
But it didn’t stop there, a customer from one of the units just down the road from us, rushed into our shop later in the morning, within seconds my Boss grabbed one of the yard men and shot off in his car. It’s turns out our customer had seen these lads carrying fence panels over the fields just across the road from us both, they stopped the lads, called the Police and rescued a number of panels from their “hiding place” in the fields.
I’m not really sure what to make of these two youths, are they simply plain stupid, having been caught red handed once, they keep returning again or are they just so blasé, that they just don’t give a monkeys, they claim to the Police they simply found the panels and seemingly get away with it!
It’s a shame we live in such a time where political correctness and red tape means complete idiots can get away daylight robbery!
Oh well, we’ll just have to see what happens, but it will be the topic of conversation at work for a few days yet!
Lines To The Clouds
Light In The Dark Clouds
Reflections
STREETS by ABOVE THE GOLDEN STATE When shadows turn to faces, and when faces take on names When names tell us their stories, of their brokenness and pain When love flows through the cities, through the grid of all the streets Under bridges in the alleys, like blood through our veins
Love is real Love will bleed Love will heal Love will need
When love is used like money, it turns into our greed When love is more like water, then everyone will drink So let it flow through all our cities, and flood them like the sea Fill the souls that hunger, Lord give us what we need
Love change the world … Love change the world …
You can see it when He walks around You can feel it when He moves the ground We’re all colored with a crimson stain Can you see it now, can you see Him now
From the clouds to the world below From the mountain to the city of gold Love is coming like an urgent rain Can you feel it now, can you feel Him now
So my three days off work are drawing to and end, the alarm is back on and work tomorrow, this is the word of inspiration I needed.
MERCY (FALL ON ME) by SIXTEEN CITIES Fall Fall
A new day is dawning, I hear you calling My eyes are open and my heart’s rejoicing The night is over, by grace I’m covered I see the signs of your love, And they’re surrounding me Like the air I breathe, the beauty of a symphony It’s everything I’ll ever need, your mercy
Fall, fall on me Brand new mercies, mercies fallin’ ‘Fallin down over me Like healing water Mercies fall, fall on me
Fall Fall Fall on me Fall
Lord, I’m so greatful you’re willing and able to Open the heavens, let your glory shine down on me Just like a river, you’re forever flowing You’re giving life and I will never ever thirst again And I’ll still believe, even when it’s hard to see I’ll lift my hands and I will sing your mercies
Fall, fall on me Brand new mercies, mercies fallin’ ‘Fallin down over me Like healing water Mercies fall, fall on me
Your love surrounds me and washes me clean It reaches farther than the ocean deep As strong as a flood,
Fall, fall on me Brand new mercies fall
Fall, fall on me Brand new mercies, mercies fallin’ Fallin’ down over me Like healing water Mercies fallin’, fall on me
Fall Fall on me Fall Fall on me Fall Like healing water Fall on me
Although I firmly believe that I am not anywhere near as depressed or demoralised as I was back in November, I know I am not in the same place as back then, but that didn’t stop the old stress and temper rising again this evening.
It seems that I still have issues with dealing with things that are outside my little bubble, things that I haven’t really set on my agenda. This evening I was due at the Architect’s, I didn’t think there would be much to do and was hoping after a tiring couple of days to get in, get done and get home as quickly as possible. What I hadn’t counted on was that when I got there, there was a problem with the computer I use and the plotter, essentially I was unable to plot any drawings. I tried to solve the problem, to re-install one of the drivers, but I couldn’t find the disk and was unable to download a compatible one. I set these computers up years ago, I know there is a driver there somewhere, but I couldn’t find it and as each minute passed I found I was getting more and more tense and more aggressive, back to how I was back in November.
I gave up and the end, there was nothing more I could do, they will have to get an engineer in! So I completed the alterations that needed doing and left, an hour or so later than I wanted, tired, hungry and slightly stressed.
The last few times I’ve been there, I’ve been okay, but tonight as I found something I wasn’t expecting and even worse something that I know I can sort, but just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t find the right tools and then as time passed I lost the ability to think about the problem rationally. Maybe on another day, with a clear head I could sort it, but not this evening.
Hopefully this is just a one off, not a return to where I was, I am determined not to let it get that way.
Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land. Psalm 37:8-9
LOOKING FOR ONE by JAKE HAMILTON Jesus came to save the world Then He let us give it a whirl and we messed it up But I’m not giving up Cause as far as I know, mercy still remains And judgement only comes if I don’t remain faithful You’ll find me faithful
(Cause) You’re looking for one Who can feel Your heart beat Who can feel when You lead In the time and the season You’re looking for one Who will stand in the gap Who will never look back Finds Your heart in their freedom You’re looking for one
I’ve heard it said that You hate our how All You want is for us to know justice And what true love is Our melodies will never do And all these programs keeping You distant Have we missed it You’re looking for one
You choose the broken, You choose the weak You favor the humble, You raise up the meek Blessed are those who are found poor in spirit For their’s is the kingdom, it’s so hard to hear it You don’t shy away from the foolish and fumbling You’re able to raise up the tired and stumbling Just when we think that our work is all done I hear Your heart
So today was a return to the regular work day, back to work, with a bang so to speak.
For the second day running I was up with the alarm, no snooze button, up, changed and pounding the pavement just after 5.15. My hip still ached after yesterday and a few blisters got a little worse, but I enjoyed it once again. It’s nice to get back into my old routine, walking again, spending time thinking things through, rather than stewing on them in my quiet times. Plus as I’ve said before, I need that little bit of routine and when I walked before, I felt my days were far better balanced.
It was when I got to work, things took a strange turn, quiet often the front shutters aren’t open when I get there, today was no exception, when I went to open them, I notice it looked as though the frame of the shutters had been damaged, I certainly didn’t remember them being that way when I locked up Tuesday lunchtime. When I got inside, the first thing I asked my Boss was have we been broken into? His immediate answer was, Yes, then proceeded to show me the rest of the damaged he found in the early hours of the morning.
They had tried and failed to get through every door, before managing to get through a barred window. But the strange thing was after checking all the stock, it looks as though nothing was taken? So it’s been one of those odd days, police coming in and out, forensics and alarm engineer’s, a real strange return to work for the New Year, I suppose the damage could have been a lot worse, one of the neighbouring companies was ram raided a few weeks before Christmas!
‘I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.’ John 16:33
So the New Year and renewed routines have started well, even if some things have been a little strange, but at least this year seems to be starting better than the last ended, I feel pretty content at the moment and quiet positive for the future!
LEARNING TO FALL by THIS BEAUTIFUL REPUBLIC I’ve heard it said a million times That I should hold on tight to Jesus But I took this road So far from home And distance came between us When I walked away I knew one day I’d need your grace
So now You’ll find me on my knees Surrendering ’cause I know that I’m really not so strong And now I’m done fighting for control Lord You can have this life That I’ve been holding for so long I’m learning to fall (I’m learning to fall) Let my world crumble
You ran so fast To rescue me While I was barely breathing You picked me up You touched my face and I began to see more clearly Though I’m such a disgrace You still forgave and And your love remains
So now You’ll find me on my knees Surrendering ’cause I know that I’m really not so strong And now I’m done fighting for control Lord You can have this life That I’ve been holding for so long I’m learning to fall (I’m learning to fall) Let my world crumble
Take me as an offering I surrender everything No more living without You
Take me as an offering I surrender everything No more living without You
Take me as an offering I surrender everything No more living without You
Take me as an offering I surrender everything No more living without You
So now You’ll find me on my knees Surrendering ’cause I know that I’m really not so strong And now I’m done fighting for control Lord You can have this life That I’ve been holding for so long I’m learning to fall (I’m learning to fall) Let my world crumble
