Gathered

Gathered (Zephaniah 3:18-20)

Father You gathered me
When I felt the outcast
You gathered me
When in life I became lame
You took away that which oppressed me
In turn removing my shame
My life You restore
As I look on in wonder
Now I ask of You Lord
To show me what I’m to do
To tell the earth of Your works
In taking a broken life
And making it new

Zephaniah 3:18-20

Zephaniah 3:18-20

The Story So Far – Chapter 4 – The Cracks Become A Canyon

CHAPTER 4 – THE CRACKS BECOME A CANYON

But then on Monday 12th March 2012, a few things happened that woke me up.  When I got into work that morning there was an obvious atmosphere, my Boss was acting anything but himself, then he came to talk to me, I had known him over twenty years and been a friend of the family and a karate instructor to him and his kids for many years.  Then he began to break down, he told me his partner had been seeing somebody else behind his back, he told me how much it hurt and I could see the pain in his face, as he tried everything he could to hold back the tears.

He spoke of how much he wanted to make things work, how he had been so busy with everything he had neglected to pay attention to his relationship, he had no idea what had been going on.  That set me off thinking how much I was letting my relationship slip, how I needed to get a grip on things before it was way too late.  But I didn’t know where to start or how to approach it, the fear of not being wanted anymore was so strong, I couldn’t face it.

Then later that evening something happened at home which hit home just how bad things were.  My daughter let something slip and straight away Victoria hushed it up, don’t get me wrong it was nothing like another relationship, but it was something that made me realise we just don’t talk anymore, we just don’t have anything between us anymore, only distance and now secrets.  That evening and all the next day I came to realise I had to sort this out sooner rather than later.

The next evening I caught her as she was taking the kids to her Mum’s for tea, I asked her if we could talk when she got back, to which she agreed.  When she got back I started by apologising for everything I had put her through over the last couple of years, for how bad I had been to live with, that I was sorry and how much I wanted to get things back on track and sort myself out.

But it was too late, with no emotion she said it was over, there was no going back, she had made her decision and nothing was going to change that.  She had tried to make it work so many times in the past, this time it was one time too late, she couldn’t do it again.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame Victoria for any of this, I couldn’t blame her for taking that stance, not after what I put her through, I guess over the last couple of years she had tried to make things work, but I wasn’t interested, in the end she did what she had to do, look after the kids, make sure the bills were paid, made sure we had a home and made sure we had food on the table, everything I couldn’t do, everything she tried to build, I tore down, could I blame her, no I would probably do the same thing in her position.

I remember falling on the floor at her feet, begging for another chance.  I even threatened to kill myself, I don’t think she took that seriously, but then again she didn’t know that I had held that blade to wrist so many times, the indents it made on my skin without actually cutting into it, no one knew, only me.  I cried, I begged, I pleaded, but it was all too late, I had left it too long, I had had my chances to sort this out so many times before, this time is was too late, it was over.  We agreed that as we had managed to live separate lives for the best part of two years, then we could carry on that way, it made financial sense and practical sense, if it got heavy or stressful then we would cross that hurdle when we came to it.

I cleaned myself up, brushed off the tears from my face, but then I realised I needed a drink, I couldn’t cope with all of this, I needed to drink, because this was too much to carry.  I put my coat on, got to the door, Victoria’s bedroom is downstairs and you have to pass it to get the back door, as I walked to the door to go to the shop, I apologised for what I was about to do, I said I couldn’t help it, I needed a drink, I was so sorry, but I wasn’t strong enough to beat it, the beast had me, it had defeated me and it had taken the one thing that meant the most to me, now it had me, I was powerless.

The next day at work I was I mess, I went straight into my Boss’s office and told him all that had happened the night before, we were both in a mess now.  What he didn’t understand was the drinking, he had sat in the pub with me many times, he knew me in and out of work, he knew I liked a drink, but nether suspected that I had a problem, let’s face it, apart from Victoria nobody knew I had a problem, not even me, I did now, but I was powerless.

I never ate that day, I couldn’t.  When I got home Victoria had made tea, I couldn’t eat it, I couldn’t eat anything, I had no appetite, not for anything other than drink.  All I wanted to do was drink, I tried not to, I really did, I paced the house, rubbed my hands together continuously and then started scratching at my skin, I tried to beat it, trust me I really did, for the first time ever I realised I had a big problem, I think this was the first night that I realised I was an alcoholic, I just couldn’t beat it, I walked to the back door, I apologised to Victoria on the way, I didn’t want to drink, but I had too, she said she understood, I’m not sure whether she really did, but I hated myself for doing it, for giving in to the thing that was destroying me, but I just couldn’t help it, I went out brought a number of cans and a couple of bottles of wine and come home and settled back into the same routine that had robbed me of all that was good in my life.

The next day I still had no appetite, I didn’t eat at all once again, by now I hadn’t had anything to eat since Tuesday morning, I tried, but everything felt tasteless, like cardboard, I just spat everything back out as I couldn’t bring myself to swallow it.  After work I had to nip into the architects, she knew there was something wrong and once again I ended up breaking down and telling her the whole sorry story.  I had worked for her for over twelve years, she knew I liked a drink and drank regularly, but she also never suspected there was a problem, again I had managed to pull the wool over someone’s eyes.

But that was where I managed to hatch the most selfish of plans. I knew Victoria really respected her Pastor, she often said how she found herself moved when he spoke to her.  I knew Gareth, I had met him many times over the last four years or so, long before all this turmoil started, he was also one of that ones that sat with me in my front room, watching the football, the day of my daughter’s dedication, he had always been really nice to me and I actually really liked him.  I decided that if I was to speak with him, tell him just how much I loved Victoria and how sorry I was, then he could talk to her and get her to change her mind, he could mediate something to get us back together, there was no intention of getting help for myself, just to get him to sort out our relationship.

When I got home I asked Victoria for a quick chat, I told her how much I was struggling and to be truthful, I was, I told her I needed someone to speak to and asked her if it was okay with her if I could speak to Gareth.  I would never have gone straight to Gareth without asking her first, I would never go behind her back like that, even though ultimately I had these selfish motives for asking for this meeting.  She agreed and said she would speak to him at the weekend.

It wasn’t until Friday evening that I managed to get a full meal down me, I still didn’t have much of an appetite, but I knew I had to eat something, we ordered a takeaway and I managed to eat it.  I did wash it down with a few pints of cider and a couple of bottles of wine, I still couldn’t stop drinking and each night I drank a little more, I apologised every time I left the house to replenish me stocks, I couldn’t help it and I had to let her know that, I was powerless, I was weak.

DEAD MAN (CARRY ME) by JARS OF CLAY
January 1, I’ve got a lot of things on my mind
I’m looking at my body through a new spy satellite
Try to lift a finger, but I don’t think I can make the call
So tell me if I move, ’cause I don’t feel anything at all

So Carry Me,
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But is was better than the party full of people I don’t really know
They’ve got hearts to break and burn
Dirty hands to feel the earth
There’s something in my veins,
But I can’t seem to make it work… won’t work

So Carry Me,
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

Can you find a beat inside of me?
Any pulse?
Getting worse?
Any pulse?
Getting worse?
Inside of me, can you find a beat?

Carry Me,
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

Carry Me,
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

At The End Of The Line

At The End Of The Line

I’ll be the one
Waiting…
At the end of the line
Waiting for you to come
To glide past the crowds
To where I stand
There at the end
Waiting…
To hold your hand
To never let go
Never again
I’ll hold on tightly
Forever…
I promise
I won’t let go again
I did once before
I’m sorry you should know
I broke my own heart
And the echoes broke yours
But now here I stand
Waiting…
There beyond the crowds
At the end of the line
My hand at the ready
To hold on so tight
And when we leave from here
Walking free from this place
From here into eternity
Forever holding on
So tight, so tight
To never let go
Never again
So here I stand
At the end of the line
Waiting…

I’ll never let go again

I promise

Not this time

Never again

I promise

So here I’ll be

At the end of the line

Waiting………

Steps

Steps (Psalm 37:23-24)

You drew me from the depths
Of a life I never belonged
You set me free
And placed my feet upon Your ground
To the softness of Your voice
I lifted my face
Raised my eyes

You made clear to me
The path I should take
Your majestic light illuminated the way
In a weary body
You placed Your strength
And established my steps
Upon the path You have set

So now we walk
Side by side
And should I stumble
You never let me fall
A mighty hand
A tender touch
Holds me up
And sets me back upon my feet again

Psalm 37:23-24

Psalm 37:23-24

 

The Story So Far – Chapter 3 – The Habit Grows

CHAPTER 3 – THE HABIT GROWS

Over the previous two years I had been content with maybe four or five cans of strong lager or cider a night, an alternative was a couple of bottles of wine, after training we would always go to the pub and I would have two, maybe three pints and then come home.  Now I had more money, I could buy more and not have to worry as I could still pay the bills.  For the previous two years I had been spending on average £80-100 per week on alcohol, I don’t know how, I wasn’t even earning that sort of money, some weeks I wasn’t earning at all, I had been borrowing money left right and centre, from my parents, from the karate club and even from my kids birthday and Christmas money.  Any money my kids got we put in envelopes in the cupboard for them to spend at some point, ultimately they hardly got to spend any of it, I would borrow it for a drink and never put it back, essentially I was stealing from my kids to feed my habit, some father!

But now I was earning, things began to escalate, now I could afford to spend more in the pub, two or three pints there became four or five and then come home and start on the cans I could now afford to keep in the house.  I would go to the shop just around the corner, buy a number of bottles of wine and cheap cans, I could stock up instead of living from night to night, although if it was in the house I would drink it, I couldn’t help myself anymore.

If I opened a bottle or can and started it before I fell asleep, I would wake up early in the morning and finish whatever was in front of me and then get ready and go to work, nobody suspected a thing.  I began to bring bottles of wine into the house and hide them down the side of the settee, I wouldn’t let them bang together in the bag, I sneaked them into the house and hid them, I don’t know why, but I did, I’m not sure why I bothered because in the morning I would leave all the empties on the kitchen side for Victoria to dispose of, I never hid the empties, which I guess is the norm, I just hid the ones I was bringing in, even though it was pretty obvious what was going on.

During the previous couple of years and also now I was working I would have moments of guilt and realisation, I’m not actually sure when they started, but it would happen when I was in the house and sober.  Usually this would be before I would get ready to go to karate, I would always stay sober for karate, it was the only place I felt normal and in control, the club was going well, it was successful and I enjoyed teaching, it was my release, so I never let drinking get in the way of that, but as I’ve said before as long I had something to do, I was fine, but as soon as the sessions were over I couldn’t wait to get in the pub and get those first couple of drinks down me and then whatever followed.  So these times mainly happened on a Sunday lunch when Victoria and the kids were at church and also Thursday evening’s when they went to her Mum’s for tea.

I would find myself looking into the mirror and all these thoughts would drift through my mind….

“I was not enough.”
“They were all better off without me, the world was better off without me.”
“I was a drain on them, I was wasting everything.”
“I didn’t deserve them.”
“If I were dead, they would get everything paid for, everything I couldn’t give them.”

All these thoughts of not being enough ran through my mind, I would pick up the little penknife that was always on the cabinet next to the bath and I would hold the blade against my wrist, as these thoughts became louder in my head, all I wanted to do was run that blade along my wrist and then get in the bath and wait to die, that was my plan, this happened over and over again, only one thought would stop it, the same thought every time….

“It’s better they live with you as you are,
than with the memory of how they will find you here!”

In other words, they need you regardless of how low and how much of a waste of space I felt, they needed me.  I would always put the blade down after that, but I would be so mad, always so mad, I was in this state of none being, too much of a coward to live, yet too much of a coward to actually end my own life, I was stuck in the middle of life and death and it felt like hell.

This was an event that happen a number of times over the years, always the same cycle, the same thoughts, the same anger, I could never bring myself to do anything more than the empty threats to end my life, they were difficult moments, moments that I kept to myself, moments I couldn’t let anyone else know about.  The sad thing was I knew what was bringing me to this point, I knew what was making me think these dark thoughts, it was the drinking, deep down when I was in these really low moments, I knew the source of all my problems, but I couldn’t do anything about it.  I would have a bath, almost like washing myself clean of these dark thoughts, get ready, go to karate, teach and then hit the pub and the alcohol and forget about it all until the next time.

By February 2012 I was drinking more and more, I started work at 7.30am in the morning, if I went to the pub in the week, I wouldn’t get home until about 1am, I would then put the TV on and carry on drinking until I simply fell asleep.  Many times I fell asleep on the settee, with a can or a bottle of wine in my hand, I was getting that good at it that I wouldn’t even spill a drop, I would wake up and drink it anyway, get up for work and nobody suspected a thing, the only person that really knew what was going on was me, I was hiding it as much as I could, not in a deliberate way, in a semi conscious sort of way, trying to justify it as normal, even going so far as lying about my consumption.

Since 2000 I had been on medication for chronic high blood pressure, which is an hereditary issue, periodically I was supposed to go to the Doctor’s to have regulation checks and test, twice a year in fact, I used to avoid them as much as possible until I got the letters stated my prescription would be stopped until I attended a review.  I would then make an appointment and get checked out.  The night before I either didn’t drink or only drank a couple of cans.  The medication somehow kept my blood pressure acceptable, but the Doctor always asked those lifestyle questions about diet etc, including the question about alcohol consumption, I knew what that they considered 11 units of alcohol the limit per week for a healthy lifestyle, I didn’t pretend to be a saint, I would pitch a number a little higher than that, but at least half of the real total, in truth I don’t think I knew the real total of what I was drinking, but I certainly wasn’t going to admit it to a Doctor, even on the contract for employment at my new job there was the question about alcohol consumption, again I lied, this time I made it look more like I was a good little boy and kept the figure somewhere near the 11 unit limit, I couldn’t admit to anyone how much I was drinking, not even myself.

For the first time in many years, that February I got Victoria a valentines card, I wrote in it that I loved her still and always will, when I came home from work that night the card was nowhere to be seen, neither was there was any mention of it at all, I guess it went straight in the bin. I really wanted to follow the card up, to make a gesture to Victoria, but finding it was nowhere to be seen, I lost heart, I knew I was going to hear those words she had uttered before, I couldn’t bear that pain, so went about my daily routine and drank as usual to hide the pain, to remove myself from the hurt and put all the torment off for another day, one that wasn’t far away.

As February fading and March came around I was definitely drinking more than ever, by now I was spending around £150 a week on alcohol, between the pub and the little shop around the corner.  I didn’t have to try to face the demons on nights I had no money for alcohol, now I had money, I always had a few cans in the house, although by now my drink of choice was wine and two bottles of it a night, plus a couple of cans as a starter.  By now it didn’t matter how much I drank, I never felt drunk, I still had all my wits about me, I could walk fine, I could talk fine, no staggering or slurring of words, yet it still kept me removed from the pain and anguish, it relaxed me enough to take me away from everything and I needed that, I panicked without it, I couldn’t cope, with it I slept like a log and the real world seemed so far away.

MONSTER by SKILLET
The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged
But I can’t control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage
And I just can’t hold it

It’s scratching on the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake
And I can’t control it
Hiding under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this?
Make it end!

I feel it deep within,
It’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become
The nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep
Hid under lock and key
I keep it caged
But I can’t control it
Cause if I let him out
He’ll tear me up
And break me down
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this?
Make it end!

I feel it deep within,
It’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become
The nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within,
It’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It’s hiding in the dark
It’s teeth are razor sharp
There’s no escape for me
It wants my soul,
It wants my heart

No one can hear me scream
Maybe it’s just a dream
Or maybe it’s inside of me
Stop this monster!

I feel it deep within,
It’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become
The nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within,
It’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I’m gonna lose control
Here’s something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

One True Love

One True Love (Psalm 16:9)

Only one true love
Can make this heart sing
Only the grace of the Father
Can set this soul free

Now my words rejoice
With thanks to the Father
Now my heart it sings
With praise to His name

So now I rest
In the arms of my Father
So now I find peace
In His ever loving embrace

(Part 7 of 7)

Psalm 16:9

Psalm 16:9

The Story So Far – Chapter 2 – A Venture Into The Unknown

CHAPTER 2 – A VENTURE INTO THE UNKNOWN

On 6th February 2011, our daughter had her dedication at Church, this time I made it there, we put on a show of being a family despite what was going on, we had family come back to our house afterwards, together with Victoria’s friends from Church, I knew some of them but not many.  In a strange twist of fate, all the family sat in the back room with Victoria, I got home and went straight into the front room to watch the football, it was all the people from Church that came into the front room and sat with me, I met so many people that day for the first time, but many of those that sat in my room would become pivotal to what was going to happen just over a year later, I don’t think anyone at that time knew the significance of the that afternoon in February 2011, yet when I look back I know now it wasn’t by chance or coincidence it happened that way, God moves in ways we can never comprehend.

The sad thing was that even though I really enjoyed everyone’s company that afternoon and I really liked everyone that I had met, I also couldn’t wait for them to go.  I knew I couldn’t start drinking in front of them and to be honest I had drunk everything I had the night before.  So I was beginning to get desperate for something to drink.  As soon as the last visitors had left, I made my way around the corner to the shop, it was gone 6pm now and it was invading my drinking time.  Even now I feel really embarrassed by that, these people stood by me a year later, they were there for me when I needed them, but back then I couldn’t wait to get rid of them, because I preferred a drink to their company.

At that point in my life the idea of Church was a big no, I wasn’t in anyway interested in being in a Church, if invited to a Wedding, unless it was close family, Victoria would go with the kids without me, I would go to the evening party, but Victoria would ultimately use the excuse of me being at karate, which in a way was true, but it was avoidable, I just hated in Churches.  At that point I had never been in a Church like Everyday Champions Church, church to me was a centuries old stone building, cold and uncomfortable, an old guy at the front speaking from a book I wasn’t interested and singing hymns that I just could bring myself to sing.  Was I a total non believer, I guess not really, I was fine with people having faith, I just wasn’t interested myself, I believed there was something more to this life, but I was nowhere near ready to accept a God or Jesus into my life.

But on that day in February 2011, I actually found I enjoyed the service at Church and even the music there, some of what they sang I already had on my iPod, but at that point I wasn’t interested.

The music though I was really interested in, I don’t really know why, but even before things began to unravel, I had actually become interested in Christian music.  In mid 2008 I began listening to bands like Casting Crowns, Third Day and Tenth Avenue North, I actually really liked the music and sang along to many of the songs.  Over the previous three years I had been listened to as much Christian music as I had to secular music, I didn’t know why back then, I just did.  I remember one day singing along at home to Daylight by Brave Saint Saturn, in particular the lyrics…

Jesus Christ, light of the world
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness
You held me, still held me

When desperate nights I cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone

Your words are life cut marrow through
The darkness to the bone
A heart of flesh You gave me
Only You can save me

Savior
Daylight

Victoria challenged me as to why I was singing along to such lyrics when I wasn’t a believer, I remember just saying that I enjoyed the music, it was good music and I liked to listen to it, she couldn’t get it into her head as to why I could sing along, if I’m honest then neither can I, as a total none believer I was singing of Jesus, the light of my light, my hope and my saviour, why I don’t really know, but I was somehow in the middle of all this turmoil and this pain and anger, me the total none believer, the guy who didn’t want to know about God, faith, religion or Jesus, was openly singing about all these things.

I had even set my ringtone on my phone to the song “All Around Me” by Christian band Flyleaf, I loved the song, I just thought it was about relationships in general, just about loving someone, it would take a number of years to find that it was about feeling the presence and love of God all around us, how wrong I was, but once again I don’t  think it was by chance that a song like this was brought into my life, eventually music would become a medium in which God would speak to me, but a lot of things had to break until I released just how long this had been happening in my life.

Later in the year a friend of mine offered me a full time job, one of the sales assistants at the builders merchant that he was manager of was leaving and the job was mine if I wanted it.  I was interested in the job, but something inside of me was afraid of change.  When this all started and I was applying for jobs, yet getting no reply, I just stopped bothering, I began to wonder if I was good enough to do anything else, I was being rejected without even being told why, not even given the courtesy of being informed I wasn’t right for the job I was applying for.  I became more and more demoralised and as I mentioned earlier began to withdraw even more.  Now there was job I could take if I wanted it, it would solve so many problems, it was a no brainer really, yet I couldn’t say yes, I stalled for a number of weeks, until I saw that he had in the end advertised it, Victoria challenged me on it and I contacted Bill and said I was interested.  I went to meet him at work and I agreed to take the job, I had to wait a while until the other guy had left, but in late November I started working full time, a regular wage and regular work, it was going to solve so many of my problems, or so I thought.

In this crazy, mixed up mindset that I was living my life with, I thought everything was retrievable.  But I actually thought that it was just the financial situation that was driving the wedge, it was the money problem that was causing the distance between myself and Victoria, having a job and a regular wage would take things right back to where I was before and I could get things back on track with Victoria, that was my mindset, that was what I wanted, I so wanted to make things right with Victoria, but just couldn’t bring myself to sit down with her and have a conversation about where we were and what we could do about it.

Every time my mind wandered back to a time shortly after the birth of our first child, Ben would be about one year old and just a few days before Christmas we were unable to agree what to do on Christmas day, it was on the face of it a trivial disagreement, but we were in a bit of a rocky patch, we were getting a little distant, it would seem that having a child was changing our relationship, I became second to our son as Victoria became super mum and in the midst of that argument I heard those words for the first time….

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you!”

Those words destroyed me, they broke me then, on that occasion we resolved to try harder with our relationship and we got things back on track.  Now this time, I dreaded hearing those words again, I knew I would have to hear them again, I knew they would hurt once again, but I still thought that if we could do it back then, get things back on track again, find a way through it all, then we could do that again, why not?

But things weren’t going to plan, yes I was working full time, which was healthy, I was a better person when I had a purpose to get up for, something to put my mind to.  But the sad fact was that by working and having a regular wage, it meant that I had more money to spend and more money meant more alcohol.

DAYLIGHT by BRAVE SAINT SATURN
Did you hear the news today?
I’m not coming home, no
And I wished it all away
I felt so alone, yeah

And the darkness crept its way
Like stars that we all know will die too soon
There is never any sunrise here
In the shadows of eclipsing moons

Crawling on a tightrope
The bravest thing I have is hope

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, oh, tonight

Halogen, the lights will flicker
Incandescent burning lies
And the silence stands for nothing
Desperate I search the skies

Aching for a spark
Trembling in pitchest dark

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, oh, tonight

“U.S.S. Gloria, this is Mission Control, do you copy?”
Repeat, “U.S.S. Gloria, this is Mission Control, do you copy?”
“We have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria”
Repeat, “We have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria”

“Mission Control, this is the U.S.S. Gloria
Do you read me? Do you read me?
Mayday, mayday, we have lost primary guidance functions
Mayday”

The crew is now out of radio contact
Presently there is no way for us to know
Whether they are alive or dead
Our hopes and prayers go out with you all

“U.S.S. Gloria, this is Mission Control, do you copy?”
“Houston, this is the U.S.S. Gloria, good to hear your voice
We are coming out of the eclipse now
I see the sunlight, it’s beautiful
The sunlight is beautiful”

Jesus Christ, light of the world
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness
You held me, still held me

When desperate nights I cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone

Your words are life cut marrow through
The darkness to the bone
A heart of flesh You gave me
Only You can save me

Savior
Daylight
I am coming home
Home, home, home, home