Forgotten To Hope – Hebrews 8:12
Forgotten
That is His word
Removed
That is His promise
Sin
No longer remembered
Iniquity
Left in a past so gone
Grace
His love for the lost
Mercy
His forgiving heart for us
Love
Of a Father to His children
Hope
Set by the Father in our hearts
Hebrews 8:12
Over the last few weeks I have persevered with getting up early and just walking, I try to get out most mornings for an 8 mile walk before work and then take longer walks over the weekend, usually 12 to 15 miles, on a Sunday evening I also try to get an extra walk in too.
This week end I got out early Saturday, catching the sunrise at the lake and yesterday evening I manage to catch the sunset, perfect book ends to a great weekend.
THE SUNRISE
Sunrise 17-06-17 No 1
Sunrise 17-06-17 No 2
Sunrise 17-06-17 No 3
Sunrise 17-06-17 No 4
THE SUNSET
Sunset 18-06-17 No 1
Sunset 18-06-17 No 2
Sunset 18-06-17 No 3
Sunset 18-06-17 No 4
On Saturday morning I heard this song on my iPod, it came on just as I walked past the spot where I got the call four years ago to tell me my Nan had died, I thought of my friend Mark who last weekend lost His Nan too.
ANGELS FLY by REAMONN
She saw the world through her smile
She held your hand you knew it’d be all right
She spoke of places she’d never been
“Now is the time”, she’d say, “to live the dream”
And she told us how she could fly
And she said “no need for goodbyes”
For we’d see her there in the skies
Where angels fly, angels fly
She stayed a while that summers day
Spoke through a smile of how she’d go away
I saw in her eyes, her pain
She took my hand and said “it’d be ok”
And now she’s soaring up into the sky
And she takes us all in her flight
And she told us the reasons why
Angels fly, angels fly
Some summer days I can see the smile
And in so many ways she’s still alive
And the love that she gave I keep down inside
I’m keeping it safe ’till I learn to fly
And she’s soaring up into the sky
And she takes us all in her flight
And I feel she’s still alive
Where angels fly, angels fly
And she told us how she could fly
And she said “no need for goodbyes”
For we’d see her there in the sky
Where angels fly, angels fly
Angels fly, my sweet angel flies.
For what seems like the first time in ages I managed to get up and force myself out for a walk this morning. It was a 5am start and a short walk of just 8.6 miles in just a little over 2 hours.
My calf muscle injuries of last year seem to have cleared up, I can still feel them being a little stiff, but the muscle tears that I had are no way near as painful as they were 18 months ago. I wan’t as fast as I used to be, but it was worth it.
And although the sun rise was early this morning, I just managed to get to the lake as it came up.
Sunrise 21/5 no 1
Sunrise 21/5 no 2
Sunrise 21/5 no 3
Sunrise 21/5 no 4
Sunrise 21/5 no 5
Sunrise 21/5 no 6
Hopefully this is the start of a regular routine, just like it used to be, not just another false start. I feel I am going to ache in the morning, but hopefully I can get five miles in before work!!!
WALK by FOO FIGHTERS
A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return
I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
Where do I begin?
Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains
And sat and watched them burn?
I think I found my place
Can’t you feel it growing stronger?
Little conquerors
I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
Now
For the very first time
Don’t you pay no mind?
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a riot
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first decline another state of mind
I’m on my knees, I’m praying for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I’m on my knees
I never wanna die
I’m dancing on my grave
I’m running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I’ll never say goodbye
Forever, whatever
Forever, whatever
I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
It seems hard to believe that it’s three years to the days since I set up this blog and posted that first post, 9.19pm, 6th October 2012, where has that time gone?
It’s safe to say I didn’t know what to expect when I started this, what it would be that I would find from it or where it would take me. I’m not a writer, I never have been, I hated it at school, in my English classes in High School, most of my course work went unfinished and if I did finish it, it was usually the least I could do to get away with completing it, I hated writing and don’t get me started on my views of poetry back then.
It’s funny how things change you, I never believed I had a talent for writing when I started this, not that I do now to be honest, but something in that challenge I was faced with made me look inside and find something I never knew was there.
I’m not an eloquent person, I struggle to express myself at times, I am naturally quite shy and introvert, my personal feelings are mine and they stay that way. But over the few months before I started this I had began to face those natural tendencies to keep everything hidden inside. When I came to God earlier that year I had a choice, keep hiding and keep suffering or be open, let it out and find my healing. I began to tell my story to people and find a way to deal with the internal pain of the situation I had found myself in. Then when I started journaling I found another way to express myself, although only I read back my journals, they are my personal feelings, I found it a great release and a great way to become accountable to someone and something, even if at that point it was only myself.
Then I felt that challenge, that challenge from God to begin this blog, to tell my story and express myself. It became another way to find healing and another way to make myself accountable, not only now to myself, but also to the great people who have taken the time to read, like and even comment on my writings, from people who have shared similar journeys into depression or alcoholism or others just followers of Christ who support and encourage, it’s been a great experience and I hope it continues to be that way.
My current series of posting daily poems based upon bible verses is still set to run until the end of the year. I set out to do this at the end of last year, I choose seven verses at random every Sunday evening and as the next week passes I write and post a poem based on one verse each day. Some days I may write two, three or sometimes four and then schedule them over the coming days, other times I write them each evening, based on my feelings that day. Some weeks I link all seven, telling a story or they form a conversation with God through poem as the week goes on, each one different and unique, each one mine.
I love the feedback I get when I see a comment that says “I needed to read this today”, as some days I am not sure who I am writing for, I just feel compelled to write, I look at the verse and just start writing, if I have to think about what to write it feels wrong, if I write and it just flows, then it’s what I am supposed to write, I may not know why or understand where it comes from, but I know if I write that way, it’s spirit led, to get positive feedback is the icing on the cake, I just wish sometimes I had more time to respond and comment back.
The long and the short of it is, I’ll continue to write, as long as someone continues to read it. I was planning on just keeping this poetry series until the end of the year, but I now feel I may do it all again next year, just keep picking verses and writing a poem based on them, what do you all think?
On another note, I started walking again last week, well for two days I did anyway, the first day my new trainers took the skin off my heel and then on the second day they did it again, this time turning my trainer into a bloodbath, it was a bit of a mess and still hasn’t healed properly a week later, although I did get out at the weekend. Hopefully I’ll get out again this week, I really enjoyed walking again, there’s nobody else about at that time in the morning, great time for thinking and talking with God, my headphones in and my praise music on, I sing along out loud, there’s no one around and nobody hears me or at least I hope not!
The weather hasn’t been that great, but I did catch a few good sun rises over the last few weeks, mainly on my way to work, below I share the best of them.
Band Of Gold
Breaking
Between Morning Clouds
Beyond
Golden Reflection
Across The Morning Sky
Morning Highlighted
I have a few plans for more writing over the next few months, firstly I want to bring the “My Testimony” section up to date, I covered as far as New Year 2014, so I have the last couple of years to bring it up to now, I intend to finish that and then start on a new series which chronicles my whole karate career, starting from my first class in October 1980 (thirty five years ago this month) to coming out of retirement in this year’s National Championships. It’s not your usual story of a karate instructor or as dramatic as the Karate Kid, but it been such a big part of my life, 35 of my 41 years, that it has shaped parts of my life and who I am, I’m looking forward to writing that.
But for now, I just thank you all for reading my ramblings, thank you for following, for liking and your encouraging comments, believe me, I may not respond all the time, but I read and appreciate them all, so thank you all once again.
This is the song where it all started, this is the song I was listening to when I felt that pull from God to tell my story and start this blog, this song reduced me to tears on the morning of 6th October 2012, it started this journey into the unknown and I am so glad it did.
THE PRECIPICE by THE CLASSIC CRIME
I wish I could play the violin
I’d play ’til tears roll down your cheek and chin
And if you sang along
We could write the saddest song
Sometimes I indulge my every whim
And piece by piece I build the cell i’m in
But I only stay here long
Enough to write the saddest song
I dreamt I stood on a hill
That I wisedh was a mountain
To look back on all my accomplishments
Well they must have been small
‘Cause I couldn’t seem to find them
So I took a leap off of the precipice
I wish I could play piano well
I’d hit the keys that made your spirit swell
And if you sang along
We could write the saddest song
I dreamt I stood on a hill
That I wished was a mountain
To look back on all my accomplishments
Well they must have been small
Because I couldn’t seem to find them
So I took a leap off of the precipice
Whatever the cost, whether it works out or not
Whatever the cost, whether it works out or not
I’ll follow you, I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you with my heart
Whatever the cost, whether it works out or not
Whatever the cost, whether it works out or not
I’ll follow you, I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you with my heart
I dreamt I stood on a hill
That I wished was a mountain
To look back on all my accomplishments
Well they must have been small
Because I couldn’t seem to find them
So I took a leap off of the precipice
After a number of false starts over the last month or so, I managed to get out walking again, both yesterday morning and this morning. I started yesterday with a brisk 8½ mile walk, after all I had to be at work at 8am. This morning I pushed it a little bit and went for just over fourteen miles, I went on a little further than the bridge I found a few weeks ago and came across a new set of lakes. The last time I walked that far, which was almost five years ago, these lakes were gravel pits which were still being worked, at some point they have obviously been turned into a set of small lakes, which sit in a really peaceful setting. I would have liked to have stayed there longer than I did, but I had to get back to be at Church, with a seven mile walk home I was pushing it to get back, showered and back out, but I made it.
I’m hoping this isn’t just another false start and when I wake in the morning I give in to the excuses as to why I can’t spend the time walking with God as I used to. When I get out I really enjoy it and I feel refreshed after a walk, yet when I wake I convince myself I’m too tired. So here’s hoping it’s a new breakthrough and I can get back into the routine which was so good for me.
Morning Swim
From Between
Reflections
In Peace
Breaking
Light Beneath The Bridge
I found myself singing out load to this song on the way home, I found this live version, which is just as powerful as the studio version.
LOVE AMAZING by CIRCLESLIDE
Before the sun awakes the morning
Your face I see
Your gentle Eyes are full of mercy
And Love Amazing
And Love Amazing
I’ll rejoice
While my heart aches
I’ll rejoice
My God will save
All my needs have been replaced
With Love Amazing
With Love Amazing
Every day brings new redemption
For all my scars
I’m lavished with complete forgiveness
Reaching above the stars
Reaching over the stars
I’ll rejoice
While my heart aches
I’ll rejoice
My God will save
All my needs have been replaced
With Love Amazing
With Love Amazing
The sentence meant for me
You came and took my place
You turned death’s tragedy
Into a rescue by Your grace
And how it comforts me
To declare Your Love Amazing
Your Love’s Amazing
I’ll rejoice
While my heart aches
I’ll rejoice
My God will save
All my needs have been replaced
With Love Amazing
With Love Amazing
About a month ago I got off to a bit of a false start in terms of getting out each morning and walking as the sun rises. At one time I was out every morning, regardless of the weather, the days when I walked seemed to have far more balance to them, then about two years ago it started to get a little sporadic, until eventually I stopped before slipping into a period of dark depression.
Over the last couple of years I’ve tried many a time to get out again. Just like a month ago it starts out alright for a few days, but somehow I find an excuse to miss a day, then two, then three and so on and so on. Last month it lasted just short of a week and then due to being busy with work, I decided I was too tired and caved in each morning. But each night I would berate myself in my journal for not getting out, I would promise myself I would get out again the next morning, but it never happened and the cycle carried on. This morning though, the alarm went of and there was no deliberation, within ten minutes I was out the house walking.
My plan was to walk the cycle track, which is about four miles long and then return, it a total walk of around eight and half miles, in around two hours, on the way I would just make it to the lake as the sun rises.
Blue Skies
Hidden
Beyond
Over The Green Fields
Before The Clouds
As I got to the end of the track, which up to the point where I turn around is tarmac, I noticed that the dirt path which continues for another few miles had been cut back, over recent years it has been overgrown, last time I attempted to walk it was almost three years ago, but it was so overgrown I couldn’t get through. I walked it about five years ago and remember coming across a peaceful little spot where a small stream runs under a bridge, I’ve wanted to find it again so many times, but as I say the last time I tried it was impossible.
This morning for some reason, I just carried on, without even thinking I found myself walking the small path, until I found the bridge right at the end of the path, after the bridge it is still overgrown, but I wasn’t bothered about that, I had found what I wanted.
The Stream
The Bridge
It’s Bank Holiday Monday tomorrow and I am not working this one, so all being well I intend to walk it again in the morning, although my aching hips may have something to say about that!!!
This morning I wrote “Green Fields”, I felt it was an answer to my prayers, to get up again and get out walking, I feel I have drifted a little for long enough, keeping some of the routines that help me along the way in this recovery, but abandoning others, like the daily walking.
There is a cheeky reference in there from a classic song, not sure whether anyone can spot it, there a clue included in the title too.
MERCY TREE by LACEY STURM
On a hill called Calvary
Stands an endless mercy tree
Every broke and weary soul
Find your rest and be made whole
Stripes of blood that stain its frame
Shed to wash away our shame
From the scars pure love released
Salvation brought the mercy tree
In the sky, between two thieves
Hung the blameless Prince of Peace
Bruised and battered, scarred and scorned
Sacred Hands pierced by our thorns
It is finished was his cry
The perfect Lamb was crucified
The sacrifice, our victory.
Our Savior chose the mercy tree
Hope went dark that violent day
The whole earth ‘quaked at love’s display
Three days silence in the ground
This body born for Heaven’s crown
On that bright and glorious day
Heaven opened up the grave
He’s alive and risen indeed
Praise him for the mercy tree
Death has died. Love has won!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome.
He has risen from the dead.
Death has died. Love has won!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome.
He has risen from the dead.
One day soon we’ll see His face
And every tear, He’ll wipe a way
No more pain or suffering
Oh, praise him for the mercy tree
Death has died. Love has won!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome.
He has risen from the dead.
Death has died. Love has won!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome.
He has risen from the dead.
On a hill called Calvary
Stands an endless mercy tree
It’s seems like forever, but for the first time since last summer, I finally managed to get up with the alarm and get out at the house this morning for a walk before work. I’ve been wanting to for so long, but just kept putting it off each morning, that “I’ll start tomorrow” kind of attitude.
So last night before bed, I actually put my walking stuff out ready, so I had no excuses, the alarm went off and the old reaction of just get up and get ready came back. I loved the walk so much, it gave me chance to catch the sunrise by the lake and get in a good four mile walk too, a bit of time with God too, I had forgotten how much I loved my walks.
First Light
Breaking The Horizon
In The Trees
On The Horizon
Across The Sky
For the time being I have decided to take a break from writing “The Story So Far”, I’ve been writing it for almost two months and already clocked up almost 50,000 words, I will continue to write it and bring right up to this year, but it will be at a slower pace for now.
WHOM SHALL I FEAR (GOD OF ANGEL ARMIES) by CHRIS TOMLIN
You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear
You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though troubles linger still
Whom shall I fear
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I’m holding on to Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I’m holding on to Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
You are faithful
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
It’s fair to say that this week has ended far better than it started. Last weekend was a tough one in many ways and I thank everyone who left a message of support. I very often find that when I share my struggle on this blog, it lifts the weight of it from my shoulders, it was certainly the case last Sunday, almost immediately after I had posted the gloom began to lift and I felt so much better.
As the weather has improved also as the week has gone on and I have managed to catch a few sunrises by the lake on the way to work, it seems like so long since I managed that, so as I always used to, I share the sunrises with you all.
Pastel Morning
Beyond The Blue
Fire In The Blue
Breaking The Dark
In The Blue
Between
Breaking
Highlighting
Risen
Skies
THANK YOU by JAKE HAMILTON & KIM WALKER-SMITH
Thank you for the summer
And thank you for the rain
And thank you for the pleasure
Thank you for the pain
Thank you for the flowers
That bloom in early may
And thank you for the winter
That washes fall away
I want to say thank you
Thank you for it all
Thank you for the deserts
Thank you for the trees
Thank you for the failures
And for the victories
Thank you for the pruning
That gives me room to grow
Thank you for the seasons
Where I learn to reap and sow
So come, let us worship
Let us release a joyful sound
Let us enter his presence
Let us all bow down
It’s been sometime since I posted any photo’s on here, mostly because of the timing of my walks and the sunrise haven’t quite come together or in typical English fashion, the weather has been pretty lousy!
Despite the this morning being the first frost since the end of last winter, the sunrise was worth catching and sharing.
Beyond The Blue
Two In Flight
Rising Morning
First Signs
From Beyond
Blue Fades To Orange
Rising
Distant Sun
DISTANT SUN by CROWDED HOUSE
Tell me all the things you would change
I don’t pretend to know what you want
When you come around and spin my top
Time and again, time and again
No fire where I lit my spark
I am not afraid of the dark
Where your words devour my heart
And put me to shame, put me to shame
When your seven worlds collide
Whenever I’m by your side
And dust from a distant sun
Will shower over everyone
Still so young to travel so far
Old enough to know who you are
Wise enough to carry the scars
Without any blame, there’s no one to blame
It’s easy to forget what you learned
Waiting for the thrill to return
Feeling your desire burn
And drawn to the flame
When your seven worlds collide
Whenever I’m by your side
Dust from a distant sun
Will shower over everyone
Dust from a distant sun
Will shower over everyone
And I’m lying on the table
Washed out in a flood
Like a Christian feeling vengeance from above
I don’t pretend to know what you want
But I offer love
Seven worlds will collide
Whenever I’m by your side
Dust from a distant sun
Will shower over everyone
As time slips by
As time slips by
I have a couple of days of day job, I have quite a few days to get in before the end of the year, so I took a few whilst there is nobody else off.
So I started the day at 5am, determined to get out walking again, I actually planned on doing around 8 miles and catching the sunrise at the lake, after getting to the point where I was planning to turn back, I actually forgot to turn around and carried on all the way up the cycle track, eventually completing about 12 miles. Which actually turned out pretty well, as the sun never broke through the clouds at the lake, although it did turn the sky and the lake blood red, but it did break through by the time I got to the end of cycle track.
It’s not been an altogether lazy day either, I’ve got a survey drawing to do for the Architects, I’ve not measured it and there so many measurements missing, it’s a real tough one to do and the deadline it tomorrow, although I actually feel like finally saying stuff the deadline!
But the end of this month I’ll be owed 12 months of work, I’ve been patient, there are other circumstances which are beyond my control and are not as straight forward as simply not being paid, but I’ve been as fair as I possibly could. I was promised some of the money a couple of weeks ago and that I would be paid up to date by the end of the month, I didn’t hold my breath.
At the end of last week I was promised a substantial payment today, but once again, no sign of anything and yet again, I’m glad I never held my breath.
I’ll finish the drawing tomorrow, I have said I would and will keep my word, but after that, we’ll see.
But before that I will get out walking once again, another 12 miles should do the trick.
Early Glow
Fire Skies
Red Over The Water
Horizons
Breaking The Cloud
From Behind
Illuminating The Power Lines
Higher Power
In Flight
WE DANCE by STEFFANY FRIZZELL GRETZINGER & BETHEL MUSIC
You steady me
Slow and sweet, we sway
Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That You won’t lead me
Where You don’t go
When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round
And remind me of that song
The one You wrote for me
And we dance
And I’ve been told
To pick up my sword
And fight for love
Little did I know
That Love had won for me
Here in Your arms
You still my heart again
And I breathe You in
Like I’ve never breathed ’till now
When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round
And remind me of that song
The one You wrote for me
And we dance
And I will lock eyes
With the One who’s ransomed me
The One who gave me joy for mourning
And I will lock eyes
With the One who’s chosen me
The One who set my feet to dancing?
We dance
Just You and me
It’s nice to know I’m not alone
I found my home here in Your arms
It’s nice to know I’m not alone?
I found my home here in Your arms
It’s nice to know I’m not alone
I found my home here in Your arms
The Bottom of a Bottle 