I was flicking through the first book of my journal, which started on Monday 19th March 2012 (the day I class as the start of my new life, Day 1) and ending on Wednesday 15th August 2012, Day 150, a total 198 pages of my journey, I’m nearing the end of my second book now, today’s entry will be day 251 of this grand journey.
I was looking for something I may have written in there, something I wanted to form a post around but I couldn’t find it, but as I scanned through the pages I happened across a page, a page that wasn’t like any other page, it was probably the most painful page I had scribbled, I glanced past it a few times, noticing there was something different about it, then eventually I returned to it, intrigued, I re read in it’s entirety, I was close to tears and felt compelled to post this.
As you can see I always write in capital letters, I don’t know why, it’s a habit I’ve picked up, I’m good at picking up habits. Even in capital letters my tortured scribble is not entirely legible, it doesn’t always make sense, so here it is, translated:
Friday 20th April 2012 – Day 33
Once again I feel worn out by all of this and confused by what is happening to me, is this aching because I’m coming down with something or is it withdrawal, I don’t know, but definitely questions to ask Doctor Cusack on Tuesday. I ache all over, I found it difficult to cope with even the order for the take away going wrong tonight, that was a real low point for the week and again, I’m not happy with myself for that, but I’m doing my best to handle all of this, but it’s a lonely road to travel at the moment, I need help I don’t think I can do this alone anymore. Maybe I am run down but it’s hard, the aches, the pain, the tiredness, how long will all this last before I can move on, this week has been the worst since I started this book, a real struggle to get through, the ribs haven’t helped, working late, the weather, it’s made a pretty rubbish week really, hopefully it can’t get any worse, I’m not sure if I could cope with this anymore, I wrote before it’s the first test of my faith and I have failed miserably, but I don’t want to, last week seemed easy this week seems so hard, it’s all very confusing, in an already very confused life, again I’m not sure if I can cope with much more of this.
Grantham tomorrow, no training, that’s not wise at the moment, but I want to get back into training as soon as I can, I need it, I need some focus.
I will be at Church on Sunday, I’m going to continue what I’ve started and I will be praying for help, because I feel lost at the moment, well lost, I don’t know which way to turn to get through, but I will ask for guidance, hopefully I will get some answers!
No other page in my journals read like this, I usually describe in brief at least part of my day, if not all of it, together with my feelings as I go through it, this one was different, so different, there is no mention of what I was doing that day, only feelings, my lowest feelings.
The only part of the day I mention was ordering the take away, we nearly always order on Friday, from the same place, the same thing. But on this day someone different answered the phone, I did my best to tell him what I wanted, but with his limited English it wasn’t easy, I was getting frustrated, I was trying to be clear but I felt like no one was listening, I came off the phone knowing this would all go wrong, I wanted to hide. But luckily one of the regulars at the take away noticed the order, the address, noticed it wasn’t usually what we had and rang us back to clarify, my partner took the call and sorted it all out, calmly, I felt even lower, that I couldn’t even get a take away order right. A take away, it’s trivial I know, it wasn’t the end of the world, the confusion was sorted, but it just added to my personal confusion and my feelings of being alone and lost.
In my post Can’t Take The Pain I describe being sat in Church in pain then reaching out to a friend alone the following night, these events took place on the Sunday and Monday following this painful Friday. Indeed, things did get better after this weekend, granted they got a little worse, but when I learnt to reach out on the Monday following this lowest of days, that I wasn’t alone, I didn’t have to do this alone either, things got better and I began to grow.
I don’t remember actually writing this page, for such a painful and vivid entry it’s surprising I don’t have a recollection of writing it, I remember all the feelings, I remember the take away, I remember the aches, I remember the pains, I remember the tiredness and I remember the confusion, but not actually putting it in writing in this way, I was actually quite shocked when I started to read it again earlier this evening.
I am so glad that most of my days are full of positives now, even the bad moments which occur on some days, not all days I must add, I now use the negatives to find a positive from, something I can learn from and something I can use to continue the growing and rebuilding process.
“How can I come to the end of me,
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more,
Maybe this is how it starts,
I find you when I fall apart”
(Fall Apart by Josh Wilson)
I hope I never feel this way ever again, I hope my life never takes a turn that brings me back to that day and I pray that nobody else has to go through these feelings of being alone, there are always people who can help, friends to contact for support, never suffer alone, ask for help.
But most importantly ask for help from God, he is waiting for your request,
you only have to ask.